To the End of Sweet Revenge

Running had become my best friend, in my drunken stupor I’d managed to humiliate myself yet again, my attitude was like that of a stinking 15 year thinking I was all high and mighty and that I was right.

I’d known after I had blown in to a full on rant that I’d totally FUCKED everything up. Gerard was never going to be mine, rather he’d more the likely wanna spit in my face and tell he to get stuffed.

It made my stomach cringe at how much of a fool I’d made over myself and thinking I’d be able to get to Gerard and that he would want to take me back there and then.

Sitting alone in the hotel room, I’d started to sober up as I sat on my bed with my empty bottle of vodka, my hair all messed with my tear stained eyes of my mascara having rolled down my face to leave big black smudges.

Looking at the clock it was well after midnight, the other girls had gone for drinks to a pub. Where as I’d declined too consumed in my own guilt to think of anyone else.

Some form of me hated the life that now existed. Through the drama that I’d caused over these last few weeks was nothing to be proud of rather, I felt ashamed at what I had become and my last dramatic outburst would have been sure to make heads turn, and most of all turned me in to a bigger fool more then I already was.

Sitting there for what seemed like ages thought spilled in to my mind, my mind had been made up I was going to leave Gerard alone, as much pain as it was going to cause it was for the best. He would be able to move on and not put up with like a psycho like myself anymore.

He deserved it especially after all the shit, I’d put him through, no one deserved to be tormented like I had done to the man I now realised I loved.

However it was too late and I couldn’t go back on my own word. I would go on suffering this was going to be my lifetime of punishment.

Gerard deserved happiness and I wasnt the person that was going to be able to give it to him, no matter how much I thought I could really I couldn’t. I was a pathetic piece of crap that deserved no happiness and for me I was going to make sure that never happened.

Gerard was to be set free from me, to have nothing to do with me whether he liked it or not.

Sliding into bed I cuddled in to the blankets where I tried to drift off to sleep, rather I was unable to get Gerard out of my mind, It was so clouding my every thought. Tossing and turning I wanted all thought’s to disappear.

Waking the next morning after only having a couple of hours sleep, I found Coco passed out on the floor snoring ever so softly, as much as I didnt want to wake her I needed to.

We had to get up and get ready to leave to the next venue. Rubbing her back she mumbled and continued to sleep.

“Coco wake up” I whispered.

Laying still this time I tapped her softly on the cheek to see if I’d get a reaction. I did instantly her eyes opened as she stared at me.

“Hey hun...we gotta get up time to go.” I replied with a smile.

Eventually Coco got herself up off the floor where she rubbed her face and looked at me dumb founded more then likely wondering why I was in such a happy mood.

“Dakka what you on?” She asked cautiously.

Smiling I said nothing as I grabbed my stuff together and helped Coco with hers.

“Seriously Dakota why are you so happy for?” Coco asked yet again.

Knowing I’d have to give her an answer otherwise I’d never hear the end of it I spoke. “ This is a Fresh start for me...I’m moving on, focus all my attention on the band.” I replied as I tried to tell myself over and over that it was the right thing to do.

Coco looked at me stunned like she had been slapped in the face, her facial expression said it all and the words that came out of her mouth summed it all up. “Are you crazy?”

“Yeh I think I am....I made a fool of myself yet again Coco and I’ve had time to think about it...it’s best that Gerard moves on the same as me...We were never meant to be.”

“Dakota come on...you love him, he loves you. What more do you need?”

“I need peace Coco...I’ve become some crazy lunatic that I hate looking at. I just wanna be me no one special just me, and the best thing for that is for me to move on, allow Gerard to move on as well.” I boldly stated.

Coco walked over to me and placed her tiny arms around me grabbing me in to a hug...“Honey if that’s what you want to do then I’ll fully support you, always and forever. That’s what best friends are for.”

Smiling towards Coco she eventually released me. I was sure this is what I needed or was I? The last thing I wanted to do was do something that I would always regret. No as I continued to think this is what both Gerard and I needed.

No longer for me to be apart of his life that I had wanted to be part of...The love I had for him needed to be buried and to become apart of the past.