Anchor

Love has always been one of those weird feelings. It’s not like happiness, coming in short energetic bursts or like depression which leaves you all raw and unfeeling. Love is long and lingering like the scent of flour embedded in his sweater. At first, it’s strong and heavy. You’re captured on a journey to no particular place without any timeline. Even though the moment is long gone, the feeling is still there and it just sinks in your heart like an anchor, digging deeper and deeper until it’s eternally lodged in. I carry that heavy, iron anchor everywhere I go and I think it’ll never go away.

It all started four years ago. Our high school graduation ceremony had just taken place and we were all sprawled out on the town hall green. Since the high school was one of the cornerstones in town hall, graduation in Mays Landing has always been a big event. I remember there always being firecrackers. One had just been set off, piercing our eardrums. My parents and I were covering our ears and that’s when my friend, Carrie, bounced towards us. She was mouthing something enthusiastically but I couldn’t hear her over the thunderous bangs. Carrie tried over and over to get her message across until, “-YOU COME?” The firecrackers were finally finished and it turned out that Carrie had resorted to shouting.

“Thank God,” Carrie cursed. “I swear if I had to shout anymore, I’d lose my voice. Why do they have those goddamn firecrackers again?”

My parents forcefully smile. “Hello Caroline. Congratulations on your graduation.”

“Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Cahill. Lilly and I worked our asses off to get here,” she said, raising her diploma with her left and draping her right arm over my shoulder. Carrie tipped her head back and whispered in my ear, “Did you ask your parents about the P-A-R-T-Y?”

I shook my head as my parents looked on, curiously.

“Ask them!” she said, pushing me towards my parents.

They both wore stern looks on their faces. After four years of no parties, no sleepovers, and no unsupervised social interaction, I was certain for a no from the both of them, especially since Carrie was taking me to a party with no parents. My parents were never fond of her and no parental supervision! Why should I ask if I know what they’ll say? I stumbled over my green graduation gown. “Mother, Father,” I stuttered. “Can I go to a Kevin’s graduation party tonight?”

My parents looked apprehensive. I wasn’t sure what else to say. A ‘no’ was forming on my mom’s lips and I didn’t know how to stop it.

Luckily, Carrie did.

“This will be a learning experience for Lilly,” she said. “She’s heading off to Yale where she’ll have to attend parties, even wilder than the ones here. Lilly can use this party to practice her refusal skills. She can practice saying no to alcohol, sex, and drugs, which won’t be at this party, and she can say bye to all of the classmates we’ve known since preschool.”

Carrie placed her hands together, begging and I followed along suit.

“Please.”

My dad sighed, “Ok, but be home by ten.”

Carrie began jumping up and down, cheerfully while I stood there dumbstruck. To tell you the truth, a little piece of me wanted them to say no. I was afraid of what I would face at the party and I wanted an excuse not to go. I’ve never been to a party without adults but I told myself as long as Carrie was there I’d be fine. After stuffing out stomachs at the complementary graduation dinner, Carrie and I headed off to her house to get ready for the party.

She dressed me up in pale pink and sprinkled me in glitter. I remember just sitting in front of the mirror while Carrie changed in the bathroom. I brushed my finger against my pale eyelid, rubbing off some glitter. I really couldn’t believe it. I mean, I’ve worn make up before but never something this glamorous.

“Ready to party?” asked Carrie as we stood on Kevin’s porch. Kevin was Carrie’s future husband. They weren’t officially engaged, but after six years of dating everyone knew they were destined to be. “Do I look good?” she asked, making last minute primps to her hair and face. Looking from her red sparkly Mary Janes to her perfectly curled hair, I nodded yes. “You look pretty. Kevin will love it.”

Carrie beamed, “Thanks Lil.”

I pressed the doorbell and immediately the door opened to reveal a long, lanky brown haired boy. “Kevin!” Carrie shouted, jumping into tall boy’s arms.

“It’s nice to see you too,” he mumbled into Carrie’s curls. She let go and locked arms with Kevin. “I’m glad you made it too, Lilly. First party?”

“Does it show?” I asked.

Kevin and Carrie chuckled. Taking my hand, Carrie said, “Don’t worry. You’ll have fun. Fun.
Fun. Fun.”

I wasn’t sure if this constituted as fun. After thirty minutes of tagging along with Carrie and Kevin, I got lost in the sea of people. Kevin’s house was one of the smallest in the block and I was amazed by the amount of people that have managed to fit in it. There were people I recognized from Mays Landing High and some I didn’t. Nonetheless, no one recognized me. I guess people were too absorbed in their dancing, conversations, and red cups to talk to little old me. It’s not like it unwarranted either. Even though I’ve been in classes in these people since pre-school, I haven’t been the friendliest. I turned down party invitations to study at home; I said no to movies to volunteer; I’ve responded with silence to focus in class. I guess I deserve the silence treatment.

Standing in the corner with a can of orange soda in hand, I began to gaze out the window. Summer had just started and the fireflies were just emerging. There were two outside the window. They were flying in lazy swirls, leaving paths of light.

“LILLY CAHILL!!!!” I hastily turned around to see a pink Steven Williams heading towards me with a red cup in hand. He was in all of my honor and AP classes, always competing for my spot as valedictorian. Even though we were constantly in competition, we were always civil.

“YOU STUCK UP PRISS!”

I guess not.

“CONGRADUALATIONS ON WINNING VALEDICTORIAN!” he slurred, hoisting his arm on my shoulder. I looked at him, apprehensively, not knowing what to do. Where’s Carrie when you need her? “I WORKED MY ASSES OFF TO BE VALEDICTORIAN BUT I GUESS YOU WORKED YOURS MORE. MAYBE I SHOULD PARTY LESS OR YOU SHOULD HAVE PARTIED MORE? WHY ARE YOU HER?”

Steven’s loud rant began to attract unwanted looks, so I tried to push his arm off my shoulder. It was long and heavy. His squirming didn’t help either. “Please, can you get your arm off my shoulder?”

“WHILE YOU’RE GALVANING AT YALE, I’LL BE A STATE WITH EVERYONE ELSE!”

“Please let go,” I pleaded in the view of hundreds of eyes. “Please.”

“Get your arm off the girl, Williams. No one wants your dirty hands all over them.” I looked up and there stood a tall brown haired boy.

“OK OK,” Steven shouted, yanking his heavy arm off my shoulder. “WHATEVER THE GREAT BAKER CALEB SAYS”

I gripped my shoulder in relief and watched as Steven stumbled onto the floor. As he lay on the cold hardwood, his face reddened and reddened until he threw up the complementary dinner provided by the town four hours ago. I could tell by Mrs. Quinlin’s signature fluorescent pink jello. Wrinkling my nose in disgust, I walked around Steven’s pink vomit and the crowd surrounding him, towards the door. The party was entirely too much for me. Crowds, drunks, vomit; I needed to get away.

I marched onto Kevin’s porch and sat down on a long wicker couch. Taking in a breath of fresh air, I made myself comfortable in the view of the full moon. It was a clear, beautiful night not meant to be spent inside a smoggy, overcrowded party. Pointing my index finger towards the sky, I began to connect the space in-between stars. Living in the small town of Mays Landing doesn’t have many perks but the constant presence of stars made up for all of it.

“The Hunter? Right?”

There stood a boy, all tall and mighty in the moonlight. It was the guy who got Steven off my shoulder. He sat right beside me and raised his finger like mine. I watched as he began to trace out a figure in the stars. Inside, I wasn’t able to get a good look at his face, so I took the time to examine him. Smelling of flour and sugar, he had clean cut look with sweeping brown hair and bright green eyes. His body clad in a solid green polo and khakis was long and lean like a swimmer. He was the type of guy you’d only see in those classic Hollywood movies, boyish yet handsome.

I couldn’t help myself as my limbs began to shake. I’ve never been so close to a boy like him in my life and I was nervous, even more nervous than when I made my valedictorian speech. Pulling my arms to my sides, I mumbled a small “yes”.

The boy finished the hunter and sat back. “I didn’t know you liked stars, Lily.”

“How do you know my name?”

He tilted his head towards mine, smiling, “Everyone knows your name, Lilly Cahill. You’re
the only good thing in this two bit town.”

I swore I must have turned bright red. Words like those just sent my heart into overtime. I didn’t know how I did it, but I mustered the courage to reply. “Its makes me feel bad that you know my name and I don’t know yours.”

“I’m Caleb Trask.”

At that moment, I was absolutely smitten. We spent the whole summer under the sun,
swimming, reading, baking, and always wishing that it would last. The sweet flour embedded in his shirt became my favorite scent and his arms, my favorite place. Caleb lavished me with kisses and I gave him my all. It was so perfect, even better than the books, until he cut me off. Our boat sailed away and I sank down to the bottom. No matter how much time has passed or how I hard I try to ignore it, he’ll always be my anchor and I’ll never forget.