Anchor

“Oh my God, I’m gonna miss you so much,” Carrie said, enclosing me in a long and tight hug. We were standing in front of my house, next to the car packed to the brim with all my belongings. Today was my last day in Mays Landing; I was finally moving out of this sleepy, old town and heading off to Yale.

Carrie let go and stepped back. Tears were brimming her eyes.

“Now don’t forget me at Yale. Come back and visit often.”

“I’ll be back for all the breaks,” I assured her. “Carrie. I’ll see you again.”

Immediately, she grabbed me into another hug. I don’t plan on missing much from Mays Landing, but Carrie is one of the exceptions. We’ve been best friends ever since I moved here in fifth grade. And even though we’re pretty much opposites, we’ve been there for each other for all these years.

“I’ll miss you Carrie.”

“Done with your goodbyes?” asked my mother, standing beside the driver’s seat.

Carrie let go and I looked around. I told Caleb that I was leaving at this time but he wasn’t here. He told me he’d be here. I needed to see him one last time.

I turned to my mother, “Can I go to Dailes’ real quickly? New Haven is pretty far and I want to pick up some food for the drive.”

My mother nodded, “Ok, but be quick.”

I ran the five blocks to Dailies Bakery. Silently, I tread up the wooden stairs leading to Caleb’s apartment. The door was slightly ajar. Before opening the door, I peeked through the crack to see him and her.

Bare bodies. Load Moans. Hot flesh.

It felt as if my lungs collapsed. My breath got quick but nothing could change this sickening feeling. I shut my mouth with my hand and ran the other way, the fastest I could.

“Are you okay, Lilly? Where’s the snacks?” asked my father as I slammed the car door shut.
My eyes were red and teary, so I lowered my head so my parents wouldn’t see.

“Can we just go now?” I mumbled in between the sniffles.

My mother nodded and we drove off.

Waking up with a start, I sat up and leaned my head against the wall. I ran my hand through my hair, feeling the beads of sweat graze my fingers.

“Bad dream,” I muttered to myself.

After my breath steadied, I lay down and pulled the covers over my body. Listening to cold silence, my eyelids became heavy.

“Lilly!”

I immediately recognized his tone of voice. Pulling the covers over my head, I buried myself deeper into my pillow.

“Lilly! Wake up!”

I turned my body away from the window to face my alarm clock. It was three in the morning. I shut my eyes, hoping to fall asleep.

“Lilly! Wake up!”

Throwing off my covers, I stomped towards the window. Down in my mother’s garden was Caleb, standing in a thick layer of snow.

“Shut Up! It’s three in the morning,” I harshly whispered, not to wake up my parents. “What are you doing here at this hour?”

Caleb stuffed his hands into his pockets, “I needed to talk to you.”

“Well, couldn’t you have called during business hours or something?”

“I did that,” he said. “but you’ve been avoiding me for days.”

My sleep deprived mind struggled to remember the last couple of days.

“On Monday, when you went tree shopping with your parents, you hid behind a tree. On Wednesday, you went Christmas shopping with Carrie; you hid besides her belly.”

“Ok,ok, I’m bad at hiding,” I stuttered. “What do you want from me?”

Caleb took one step closer, “Come down here, Lilly.”

I shook my head, “No, I’m not eighteen anymore; I’m not falling for those tricks.”

“Well, I guess I’m staying here tonight.” Caleb sat down in the snow and pulled out a Thermos from his jacket. By the swirls of water vapor emerging from the thermos, I could tell that it was more than freezing outside.

“You can’t stay here. You’ll freeze to death,” I said.

Caleb smirked, “Then come down here.”

Sighing, I pulled on an oversized sweatshirt and silently headed downstairs. I slipped on a pair of shoes and opened the door. Immediately the cold hit me. I pulled the hood over my head and trudged through the thick layer of snow to Caleb.

“Come on, we’ll stay warmer if we move,” He said, turning towards the road.

I really didn’t want to move from my spot but the chill in my bones told me to follow. With my arms folded, I followed Caleb down Gingham Boulevard. We walked down the road, under the streetlights, in silence. It started to snow lightly again. Maybe if Caleb wasn’t here, this would have been a calm sight. But anytime I’m with him, my mind is racing.

“I know this is awkward for you, Lilly. After not seeing each other for eight years, we get wasted and make out. That was unexpected, weird, and completely amazing.”

I stopped in my tracks, “Completely amazing?”

More like complete hell for me.

Caleb turned towards me.

“Yeah, completely amazing,” he paused. “It made me realize that I still love you.”

The blood in my face drained.

“I mean, besides the alcohol, I felt something. It’s not just any old feeling but one I haven’t felt since that summer. Do you feel the same? The nights, the stars, the field.” Caleb stepped closer towards me and took my frigid hands into his’. We stood there in silence with the snow twirling about us. I was stunned. I reluctantly admit, I still felt something for Caleb. Every time I was around him, I always got flustered and my heartbeat would be thrown off. But love?

My breath slowed, “How can you say that? How can you say that when I saw you sleeping with a girl the day I left?”

Since the streetlight was far off in the distance, I couldn’t see Caleb’s face clearly. But I could tell from the tone of his voice that he knew what I was talking about. Caleb ran his hands through his hair, “You saw that?”

“Yes,” I stated as my confidence began to build. “How can you say you love me when you slept with another girl the day I left for college! I loved you and you betrayed me. You said I was the only one; I loss my virginity to you; and you slept with another girl instead saying goodbye to me? You’re the reason I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t face Mays Landing; face you with that memory buried in my mind. You are a-“

“Calm down,” Caleb placed his bare, callous hands on my shoulders. Immediately, I brushed them off and started to walk back towards my house.

“I can explain,” stuttered Caleb, cutting me off. I stepped towards the left to get through but he countered. I stepped towards the right and blocked me once again. Despite the frigid, night temperatures and the falling, frozen snow, I was heated.

“Let me through,” I gritted between my teeth.

“Let me explain.”

I stood there, shivering.

“Cold?” Caleb took off his jacket and held it out towards me.

I hesitated.

“Take it. Don’t be stubborn.”

I grabbed the jacket and pulled it on. It smelled of him, flour and sugar. That scent haunted me these past eight years. I hated how it would always bring back that summer we had. I stopped smelling his jacket and came back to my senses. “Well, what is this explanation?”

“I did it because I love you.”

I looked at him, baffled. I was about to spit something back but Caleb spoke again. “I know that sounds ridiculous but you were leaving and I was staying here. You were rubbing Yale in my face but I wanted you to stay here, in Mays Landing with me. But I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want to face the fact that you were leaving. I was so confused; I didn’t know what I was doing. I know what I did was wrong and I know that you probably hate me but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m in love with you.”

I stood there stone silent. I didn’t know what to say or do.

After sometime, Caleb took my hand and led me back to my parents’ house.

“I’ll be waiting for you,” Caleb said. He gently kissed my forehead with his warm lips and walked away. I watched him pace through the snow, making prints down the road. Once he was out of my view, I walked up to my room. I looked out the window. His footprints had disappeared in the falling snow.

I laid down on my bed. Still wearing Caleb’s jacket, I began fingering a rip in the lining. I brought the jacket up to my nose and took in his scent. I tried to contain myself but I couldn’t stop crying.