Don't Hold Your Breath

"Hey Ryry! Why didn't you call me last night?! I was worried you were cheating on me or something!" Of course she doesn't suspect anything except for me cheating on her. She hasn't even acknowledged my face yet. She's too busy with her face glued to her cell phone. 

"Dude! What happened to you face?!" It was Pete who finally said something. 

"I was, uh, mugged last night. " I looked down at the ground. You think I'd be better at lying about it by now. But, luckily they didn't catch my bluff. 

"Aw man! that sucks! are you okay man?" Gabe was showing more concern then my so called "girlfriend."  Then I felt tiny arms sling around my neck. 

"Oh Ry! I'm so glad you're okay!" she exclaimed kissing my cheek. I winced, for she was practically hanging off my injured shoulder. I pushed her off and she looked hurt. 

"Sorry hun, I'm still a little sensitive in a few places." I winked at her and she seemed to perk up a bit. 

"Hey dude, did you hear about the new kid? appearently he's some sort of fag or something." Pete said as he slid his phone back into his pocket. Surley they can't be talking about Brendon.  Then again, he was wearing make-up. But so do all of us occasionally. 

"Where did you hear that? school hasn't even started yet. " News must travel fast around here. I was just talking to him no more then 10 minutes ago. 

"I just got a text from Frank" he replied looking smug. 

"Um, he graduated last year, how the hell would he know?" How did he know? he was in college for heavens sake. College kids stalking the new kid. creepy. 

"I guess he got a text from Vicky. She has like a major gay-dar you know?" Man his reputation is over before it even began. 

"Gay-dar? " I rolled my eyes. 

"Ha! he looks like a fag too. Vicky sent me a picture. " Okay, talk about creepy. 

"Don't you guys think thats just the slightest bit creepy?" I asked, but no one responded. Instead I got. . .

'Isn't that the dude you were talking to this morning?" From pete. "Aww is he your little boyfriend now?" he taunted. I rolled my eyes and got a weird look from Elizabeth. 

"No smart ass, he just moved in across the street from me. He seems nice." I probably shouldn't have said that, because now I'm getting weird looks from everyone. 
 
"Ooh, Ryan's got a man crush!" Pete taunted. He reached out and recieved a high-five from Gabe. Just to get them to shut up I reached out and grabbed Elizabeth and kissed her full on the lips for about five seconds.  she looked dazed, but I on the other hand didn't really feel anything. I probably just wasn't in the right atmosphere. It worked though, it shut them up. I smirked as the bell rang and I walked to class. I saw Brendon in the hallway, he was talking to Jon Walker and Spencer Smith.  Probably two of the least popular kids around, but at least he was making friends. He caught my eye and waved. I smiled a bit and returned he wave, ignoring the glares, smirks, and looks of confusion, as I walked to class, I received glares form Jon and Spencer, who have pretty much always hated me, even though I've hardly said a word to them. It probably has something to do with the fact that I just sat there and watched that one time when Pete was beating up Jon. But I wasn't going to stand in the way of Pete and one of his victims. Not if I wanted to maintain my reputation. Hey Judge me all you want, but between home and school, my rep is all I have. So as much as I liked Brendon, I can't exactly hang out with him. But that doesn''t mean I can't be nice to him in the halls. I mean after this whole "fag" gets around he's going to be facing a hard time.

~*~

The same things went on for weeks. We usually walked to school together, just because we happened to leave at the same time. But I did learn a bit about him. I learned that he moved here from Chicago, he's the youngest of 5 kids, who are all off to college. I also learned that his parents are Mormon and he does go to church, but just to please his parents. He didn't really follow the religion too much himself. It "wasn't for him". 

Even though I knew all this about him, he didn't once ask about me. And that's what I liked about him, he wasn't nosey. 

It was Thursday and his mother had invited me over for dinner. Well she invited my "whole family" but my dad was "out of town". So it was just me. I was a little nervous, just because I had never been around that type of atmosphere before. I wasn't sure how to act. I put on my nicest clothes (blue jeans, a purple v-neck, and a black hoodie) sure it wasn't fancy, but they were the nicest clothes I owned. I styled my hair nicely and slid on my converse. At about 6:30 I walked over there and knocked on the door. His mom answered, and being the bubble over excitable person she is, gave me a hug. 

"Brendon! Your friend's here!" she yelled after she le go of me. She invited me in, and I sat on the couch. Shortly after his mothe had called him he came fumbling down the stairs.

"Hey Ryan." he grinned when he saw me. He came over and sat next to me. Still smiling. 

"Boys, dinner won't be ready for a while, why don't you go up to Brendons room and hang out for a little bit. Then I'll call you down for dinner when it's ready." Mrs. Urie said from the kitchen.

"Alright mom".  He called towards he kitchen. "Come, I'll show you around." he gestured for me to follow. I followed him upstairs and he gave the average tour. Bathrooom, parents room, closet, ect. For it being a ratty old house they sure have fixed it up well In the time that they've been here. Finally he showed me his room. The walls were painted in a medium blue color with white trimming. He had a twin sized bed placed directly under the window, with a blue bredspread that went well with the walls. He had a white love seat placed directly across his bed next to the door. In the corner of his room was an old dinosaur computer on a wooden desk with a very comfy looking spinny chair. Other then that it was pretty bare, except for a few posters, and one that really called my eye. 

"you like The Beatles?!" I exclaimed. I was pretty muh the only one my age that I knew that actually listened to them. 

"I love them actually." he blushed. I can't imagine why. 

"What's your favorite album?" I asked all Excitedly. I was glad to have a friend that actually had the same interest in music as me. Only, he wasn't my friend. He couldn't be. He was being harassed lef and right for being a "fag". I don't even think he is gay. But whenever that happened I just had to pretend not to notice. I didn't want to loose my rep, but at the same time I didn't like having people hate me either. Especially people like Brendon, or his mother. They were so nice and loving. He didn't deserve this. I wish there was something I could do. 

"The white album." he answered the question I forgot I had asked in the first place. 

"Yeah that ones good. I prefer Abby road myself." he chuckled and walked over to his closet and pulled out a box of CD's. He pulled out a familiar looking CD. The very one I mentioned a couple seconds ago. He put it in and turned it to track number 5. Which just so happened to be my favorite song. 

"Octopus Garden!? I love this song!" I exclaimed. I started to sing along, probably looking like a total dork, but I didn't really care. He chuckled and began singing along with me. 

"I'd like to be, under the sea, in an octopus' garden with you!" by thus point at the end of the song I was holding a pretend microphone looking like a total loser. It ended and I about fell over laughing. If any of my friends ever heard of this I'd never hear the end of it. The song ended and the next one came on.  I picked my self up still smiling. I don't thunk I've had that much fun in who knows how long. 

After we stopped laughing there was a bit of an awkward silence. 

"How come we n-never hang out at school?" he stuttered. This wasn't good. I was going to have to find a way to explain with out hurting his feelings. Or make something up. 

"Um, I don't know. I guess we just have different groups of friends, you know?" that was good. Or at least I thought so until he asked the worst possible question. 

"Well why don't you sit with us tomorrow? I'm sure Jon and spence won't mind....." he seemed hopeful. I'm not sure what I could say. 'you're the school fag so I can't hang out with you' yeah because that's not hurtfull or offensive at all. 

"Um, I really don't think that's the best idea....." I composed an apologetic look on my face. His face went from a look of confusion to a look of disgust and he looked down and sat on his bed. 

"I get it. Don't want to be seen with the school fag huh?"

"Look Brendon, you don't understand-"

"Oh I understand." he interrupted me. "You don't want to kill your reputation, if we hung out it would be bad to for both of us, blah blah, whatever." he mocked. "Well you can save your cliche's Ross, because I don't need to hear them." he was angry. And so was I at this point. He doesn't know the shit that goes down in my life. He has a family that loves him, and he doesn't live with the fear that his father might kill him whenever he came home. He has a mother that loves him and didn't leave him to be raised by an abusive alcoholic. 

"No Brendon you don't understand! My reputation is all I have! If I loose that I'll have nothing!" I fought back. 

"Oh save it. You'd have a friend. A real friend. Not some fake person that would dump you the minute your not perfect. Look at me and my reputation. I still manage to make friends and be happy." he finished. 

"But you have a fucking family that loves you!" I was just about yelling in his face. "You have a mother. Mine left when I was seven. I hardly ever see my father. And when I do he's drunk and he-" I quickly cut myself off. I just totally almost spilled my secret. 

"Ryan...." he said softly. It was then that I felt the hot tears pour down my face. 

"I have to go." I mummbled I ran out of his Room and down the stairs. I ran past Mrs. Urie who was sitting on the couch waiting to the lasagna. 

"Ryan, where are you-" she started in a concerned motherly voice. But I cut her off. 

"Sorry Mrs. Urie. I have to go now." I mumbled, my head down, my hair covering my face. I didn't want her to see that I was crying. I rushed out before she could respond. I ran across the street and up to my room. Ignoring my father passed out on the couch. After I settled down, I pulled out my notebook and began writting words that had been floating around in the back of my mind. 

Watch your mouth
Your speech is slurred enough
That you might swallow your tongue 
You'd want to give up the ghost with a little more poise then that.

Incase you haven't noticed. Writing lyrics is one of the only ways to calm me down. And this little black notebook was something that was givin to me by my mother before she left. If I ever lost it, I would probably go crazy. This thing is the only thing that can keep me sane. I can pour my heart and soul into it without worring about what anyone thinks.