Don't Hold Your Breath

I awoke to someone shaking me awake. My heart broke when I realized it wasn't Brendon waking me up from this awful nightmare in Alabama. I glanced up to see Kaela. 

"Ryan. Come on. Get up. It's time for school." She said pulling the covers off me. I just groaned and pulled the covers back up. There was a pause and I heard shuffling. Apparently she wouldn't take no for an answer. Because before I could even manage to slip back into my dream land, a pillow collided with my face. 

"Ow! What the-" she continued hitting me until I sat up and defended my self. "Okay okay I'm up!" I said climbing out of bed. Grateful I decided to sleep in more then my boxers last night. "How did you get in here anyways?" 

"Your aunt let me in. I came by to see if you wanted to walk to school. She said you were still sleeping. So I took it upon myself to wake your ass up before we're late." She explained. 

I sighed. 

School. 

Whoop dee fucking do. 

"Now get cleaned up and let's go. I'll be waiting in the living room." she said as she walked out. I went to my unpacked suitcase and pulled out a random outfit. I didn't really care what I looked like today. 

I don't want to go to another fucking school. I don't want to be ridiculed by damn fucking conservative religious people. 

I don't want to be in Alabama. 

I don't want my father to be in jail. 

I don't want my mother to be dead. 

I don't want my beautiful, love of my life, boyfriend to be two thousand miles away. 

All I want is to be with Brendon. 

I want to hold him in my arms. 

To be able to comfort him when he cries. 

To be able to run to him when I'm upset. 

Or just to be able to look at him. To look into his beautiful chocolate brown eyes. To hold the gaze that let's me know that I am where I belong. In his arms. Or him in mine. 

I couldn't even make it to the door before I started to really break down for the first time since I've been here. 

I dropped to my knees, tears pouring down my face. My hands found their way to my hair, yanking and twisting. I let out a loud sob before just letting my body fall to the ground in an almost fetal position. I felt almost as if I was in physical pain not having him here next to me.

I heard a female voice gasp, and an "oh no." And the patter of quick feet rushing to my side. 

"Ryan, Ryan what happened? What's wrong?" Kaela put her hand on my shoulder. I couldn't answer her. At least not clearly. 

"Br-Bren....I-I m-m-miss...I n-need him!" I finally got out. The last part came out in a sob. 

"Shh, Ryan, everything will be okay. You'll see him soon." she tried to assure me. 

No! I wanted to yell. Everything is not okay! I was sick of hearing that! And I wouldn't see him soon. Three fucking months! I couldn't even go a week with out breaking down crying.

I just continued to sob. I know I was being ridiculous. I nearly scoffed at Brendon yesterday because he was upset about not being able to see me for "only" three months. And here I am, crippled on the floor. Crying my eyes out. 

Then again, I have nothing left except for Brendon. He's all I have left. No home. No family. (Minus crazy aunt Amy. But look how well that's going.) 

"Ryan, you can't go to school like this." she sighed trying to get on my feet. "I'll tell the nurse you're home sick today. She can just assume that your sick at home. Rather then the other definition I suppose. Come on, let's get you back in bed." She kept trying to pull me up. Finally I got to my feet and collapsed on my pillows. 

"Ill be back after school to check on you." She assured me. "Are you going to be okay?" She asked half way out the door. I nodded into my pillow. She sighed and walked out. 

She was really sweet and caring. 

She kind of reminded me of a mother. It was in the way she spoke, and how she said things. "Ill be back to check on you after school." I mean really. I mean, I lived most of my life without a mother. It was nice having someone who cared for me like that. I mean there was Brendon, and Mrs. Urie, but Grace was Brendons mother, and Brendon was my boyfriend. So I couldn't think of him as a mother. And though Kaela is a bit younger then me, it's still nice to have her treat me that way. Ive hardly known her that long, and she's already done all these things to make me, and even Brendon feel better. She may be the only thing I miss here in this hell hole. 

~*~

I laid in bed for hours. The sobbing stopped a while ago. Now silent tears just continuously fell down my face. My body ached. Could have been from the heavy sobbing done earlier. Could have been because I hadn't moved in three hours. There was the aching pain, but there was another pain as well. I couldn't pin point exactly where the pain was. But it was there. It was as if every depressing thought or memory left my mind and flooded through out my body. 

What had come over me? Yesterday I was the one assuring Brendon everything would be okay. I told him not to cry or fuss over me. That it was only three months and we would be together soon. That we would get through this. 

And now here I am lying in bed crying, not even able to face the day. I'm pathetic. 

I sat up and felt the blood rush to my head.

I needed a shower or something. Maybe the steam would clear my mind. I went to my suitcase and pulled out my bag of toiletries, dumping the contents on the bathroom counter. As I did so one item in particular caught my attention. It bounced off the counter and slid it's way into the sink. I picked it up examining it. 

No. I wasn't that desperate. I wouldn't resort to harming myself. 

I removed my clothing and started the shower. I stepped in when the room was filled with a warm moisture. I concentrated on the jets hitting against my skin. It helped the aching of my body go away. But the other pain..... It was still there. 

And it wasn't going to go away on it's own. 

I think that if I didn't have something to look forward too. If Brendon wouldn't be in my future, i wouldn't be here. I couldn't live. Brendon is the only thing that's keeping me tied to this earth. He's the only thing left in my life that I care about. And if he were to leave, I know I couldn't live any longer. 

But what can I do about the pain I'm in now? I can't live with this pain for three months. And then after that, another three months. No. I couldn't. I wouldn't. I would find some relief.

When I was clean I stepped out of the shower and dressed. I stood in front of the mirror. Just examining myself. My eyes were different. There was something about them I couldn't quite pin point. If you looked past the dark shadows and wrinkles from restless sleep, or the slight redness from crying, they seemed.....dull. Like there was something missing. Like there was no spark. 

It didn't take a genius to figure out why. 

My eyes glanced down towards the sink. Where the plastic disposable razor still remained. 

I just stared at it. My eyes focused on the silver coloured blade. 

The entire time, one word repeating it's self over and over in my mind. 

Relief.

I couldn't. I told my self I wouldn't. 

Relief.

Brendon would disapprove. He would be upset. 

Relief.

My rational mind was defeated. I grabbed ahold of the object and smashed it against the counter. Cracking the plastic frame around the blade. I began to pick off the plastic until I was left with the blade alone.

I took a moment to examine it. 

Was I really going to do this? 

Yes. I was. 

I brought the blade down to my bear arm. I gasped as I dug the blade deep down into the side of my wrist. But then I stopped. I looked down at my wrist. Would I really do it in such an obvious place? I had already started, and there was a bit of blood, but nothing that would leave an obvious scar. 

I looked at my shirtless self in the mirror. My eyes fell upon an old scar. One from a long time ago. Right before I first met Brendon. The first one he had seen when he found out about my father. 

I brought the blade to my shoulder. I gasped once more as I dug it in. Then a little harder when I dragged it across my chest.

Relief.

 I now had a matching gash directly below the old scar. Blood dripping down my chest.  

I dropped the blade into the sink.

I began to feel a bit light headed. 

I ran my hand across my chest and my hand came out covered in blood. 

I stumbled backwards a bit before falling against the wall and sliding down to the ground. 

My vision began to blur then black out. 

Until I was completely unconscious.