Don't Hold Your Breath

The sun peaking in through the curtians is what stole me from the only peaceful dreamless sleep I've had in the past week. 

I sat up, taking in my surroundings, confused before all the memories from last night came flooding back into my head. 

The reason my body ached. 

The reason I was in spencers room. 

The reason my ass hurt more than it did my first time.

"Fuck." I cursed under my breath.

I made my way into the living room and found Jon and Spencer asleep, curled up on opposite sides of the couch. I decided not to wake them, and walked into the kitchen to find something to eat. I was pretty hungry. 

I glanced at the clock. It was nearly noon. I guess I wasn't going to school today.

Shit. I should probably call my mother. I bet she's worried sick. 

"Brendon?" I turned my head to see Spencer standing in the door way rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Hey Spence." I greeted casually. As if he didn't have to come find me bleeding ad beaten in an alley at two in the morning the previous night. 

"Bren, I think we need to talk." 

"About...?" I decided to play dumb. 

"About last night Brendon." he sighed. 

"There's nothing to talk about Spencer." I said mocking his tone. Like I stated previously. He didn't need to know what went on in that alley way. He just didn't.

"Brendon, we're going to talk about this wether you're willing or not." he ordered while grabbing a hold of my arm dragging me into the bedroom. "Jon! Wake up and get your ass in here!" he called. He sat me down on the bed and began pacing back and forth across the room. A very Spencer-ish thing to do. 

A couple minutes later, a very sleepy lookin Jon appeared in the door way. He didn't say anything, but came and sat down next to me on the bed. 

"Brendon, I'm just going to be straight forward about this. What were you doing in the alley way last night?" I sighed. Wondering if I should tell him or not. If I was stubborn and didn't say antthing, he would probably get it out of me eventually. 

Or I could make something up then be on my merry way.

"I was taking a walk. I needed to clear my head." I said not meeting either of them in the eye. 

"Brendon, don't give me that shit. What were you doing in the alley at two in the morning?" Spencer interrogated. 

"I told you. I was taking a walk." I growled under my breath. 

Spencer let out a frustrated sigh. I looked up and he had his face in his hands. Jon remained silent. His expression, a cross between discomfort and worry. 

"Then where did this come from?" he sighed. I looked up again and he was holding out a roll of twelve hundred dollars. 

Shit. Shit. Shit.

What do I say? Fuck. I searched my head for an excuse, but came up with nothing. 

"W-Where did you get that?" I asked defensively grabbing the damp roll of bills and shoving them in my pocket. 

"They fell out of the wash when I took you cloths out." Spencer explained with out he slightest hint of emotion in his voice.

"We were hoping you would tell us yourself. We were hoping we wouldn't have to interrogate you or scare you into telling us." Jon mumbled. It was the first time I've heard him speak, today at least. 

I looked at him in shock. Did they know?
Oh God. Something Tells me they know exactly what happened in the alley way. Even- 

I couldn't allow myself to think it. It would fill me with the overwhelming guilt, and everything else that comes along with being raped. 

"Brendon, we know why you were there. We know what happened while you were there. And we can't let this happen anymore." Jon spoke again. 

I didn't say anything. I just let a few tears fall down my cheeks. I felt Spencer sit down on the bed next to me, and pull me into a comforting hug. 

"Shhhh. It's okay Bren." He whispered. 

No! Fuck. No it's not! People keep saying things are okay! It's all just a big fucking lie!

I felt the need to scream this. But I couldn't find my voice. 

I needed Ryan. 

I needed his arms to be the ones comforting me. 

I needed him to be the one to tell me things were okay. Because if he did, I just might believe it. Even if things weren't. 

"I need Ryan." I mumbled. "Give me my phone I need him!" I demanded. Jon got up and brought my my phone. I wasted no time dialing Kaela's number. 

"Hello?" She answered dully. She sounded exausted. 

I sniffed and mumbled in a broken voice. "Can I talk to Ryan please?" 

"Oh, sure sweetie, let me get him." There was a pause and some shuffling before his voice appeared on the phone. 

"Hello?" his voice mirrored Kaela's. It sounded exausted and down. 

"Ry?"

"Oh! Brendon! Babe, are you okay? Please talk to me." he sounded freaked out. He didn't know.... Did he? If he did, Spencer and Jon would be in for it later. 

"Ryan, I miss you. I need you." I mumbled into the phone. 

"I know. I miss you too. More then you'll ever know. I couldn't live without you. And that's why I need you to stay safe. Brendon, I would die if I lost you....." he trailed off. This brought more tears to my eyes. Guilt washed through out my mind and body. 

"I'm sorry Ryan. I lied to you. I love you and I lied to you. I worried you. I disobeyed you. I love you. I'm sorry." I whispered into the phone. 

There was a pause before he spoke. 

"Brendon, you have nothing to be sorry for. You did what you had to, to protect your mother. You're one hell of a guy. I just wish things were better. I wish you didn't have to resort to that. I wish everything was okay. And things will be. When I get back, everything will be okay again. Hell, they'll be better then okay. They'll be perfect."

Okay... I was expecting more of a "What do you have to be sorry for?" leading me to explain what happened and crying to him. Jon and Spencer were so dead. 

"I-" I didn't know what to say to that. 

"I love you. I wish you were here." 

"Me too Bren. Me too." he mumbled sweetly.

~*~

It had been about two months since the incident. Vicky was notified about it, she then told Frank, Gerard, Mikey, Ray, Bob, and Alex. Needless to say, I was never alone. There was always someone at my house spending the night, if not, it meant I was at theirs. It was usually Jon and/or Spencer, or Vickey. One time Frank and Gerard spent the night with me, and, well, let's just say I didn't get much sleep that night. You think they'd be able to keep their hands off eachother For at least one night. Every now and then (usually on weekends) I would spend the night at Vicky's apartment, the little room they had for me. 

The twelve hundred dollars was enought to catch us up on most of our bills. Luckily my mom was able to get another higher paying job. I had to quit my job because they were worried I would continue stealing oxycontin or whatever. 

My mom never found out about my little "side job". She just assumed Jon spence and everybody were over all the time because I was still upset about Ryan, and they were worried. 

I spoke to Ryan evey night, he told me everything that went on. He told me about Taylor or whatever the hell his name is, and how he always tries to harrass him and Kaela. He also told me about how Gabe showed up and his little crush on William. How could I have missed that? And seriously, what are the chances that my old bully moved to where my boyfriend was forced to go, and put in a worse situation? I guess that him and Ryan are cool now, (after lots of persuation from Kaela) but I still don't trust him. Not yet anyways. But that's probably just me. 

So other then the fact that Ryan was still two thousand miles away, things seemed to have calmed down a bit. Probably because I was never alone. But things would be even better in exactly three weeks when I could see Ryan again. Graduation. I would be out of that hell hole, then i'd be on my way to see Ryan for the first time in three months. That was the only thing that kept me going through the day. Three weeks.

Then of course I would have to wait another three months for him to come home. But I immedietly pushed that thought of my mind, only focusing on the positive. I just hope these three weeks can pass by as quickly as I hoped.