Don't Hold Your Breath

I was back at home finally. All locked up in my room. 

My mom showed up at the hospital a couple days after the shooting. Turns out Jon and Spencer spilled the beans. She went kind of ballistic, but at the same time she was unbelievably happy that I was alive and no longer… missing…. 

I could tell my mother wasn't sure about how to go about this. I mean, how do you punish your son who ran away and sold drugs so that you wouldn't loose your house? 

So she just kind of put me on lock down. I'm not allowed to leave the house without Ryan, Vicky, or anyone else. So pretty much, I'm not allowed to be alone.

It's been about a week, and my shoulder is still pretty sore, but it's not unbearable. I can do simple things like play the guitar or make myself a sandwhich. (As long as I'm all hyped up on pain killers.)

Right now I was sitting in my room waiting for Ryan to come over. I was so bored it's ridiculous. 

I would have jumped for joy if I could at the sound of soft knock at my door. 

"I'm naked!" I yelled just to mess with him. I was in a bit of a pleasant mood today. 

The door opened, and I was greeted by Ryan's smiling face. 

"You know, most people would take that as a 'don't come in'" I informed him. He just laughed and sat down next to me on my bed. 

"Well, do you really think I would pass up a chance to get a glimpse of my perfect naked boyfriend?" he chuckled. "And by the way, a T-shirt and sweat pants don't really count as 'naked'" he informed me. 

"Yeah. I know. I just wanted to see if you would really come in or not. Which I see you did." 

"Yeah, I figured you were bluffing. Which you were." He flashed me a heart melting grin, and I had no choice but to fall against him and wrap my arms around him in a tight hug.

"I love you." I mumbled against his side. 

He chuckled and adjusted so he could kiss my forehead. "I love you too Brenny." As he did this he stepped on some papers that made a crinkly noise. "Oops." he said bending over to pick them up. "I hope you don't mind a shoe print on your… what is this?" he said straightening them. 

My eyes widened when I realized what he was holding. I quickly snatched them away, crumpled them up and shoved them in my pocket. 

"It's n-nothing." I mentally slapped myself for stuttering. 

He looked at me like I was crazy. "What is it? Why can't I read it?" 

He wasn't going let this go. Damn him and his stubbornness. 

"Its just a song I wrote a while ago. That's all." I mumbled. 

"Why can't I read it?" he questioned looking confused. 

I sighed before speaking. "Because. You're so amazing with words, and such an amazing poet. It'd just seem like crap if you read it." I spoke truthfully.  

"Brendon, come on. That's ridiculous. Please just let me read it." He pleaded. 

"No." I sighed. "But I'll play it for you." I negotiated.

"Okay." He gave me a soft smile. 

"But you should know, I wrote this when I was pretty upset. It was when you were in Alabama after the first drug incident. It's not as valid now. Just don't go throwing me in a mental institution kay?" 

He smirked but nodded. 

I picked up my guitar and took a deep breath before starting. 

"This town just wasn't made for two
But when the streets they call my name, what can I do?
There's a place I'd like to visit there someday

And if you decline my invitation, what can I say?
What can I say?
What can I say?

When the corner light is dimmed upon the street
And all the faces looked confused on those you meet
Tell your friends that I'll be dead when you read this
Tell them I couldn't take the pain of loneliness
Of loneliness
Of loneliness

I am feeling low
And I'm singing in my sleep 
when you're around, will you comfort me?
I'll dream of you
And the smile that you give, to me
You give to me
You give to me

It's the same thing everyday
Because we run out of things to say
If you're gone and me not here
It kind of sheds a different light on the whole year
On the whole year
On the whole year

I am feeling good
And I'm singing in my sleep 
when you're around, will you comfort me?
I'll dream of you
And the smile that you give, to me
You give to me
You give to me
You give to me" 

I finished up the song with a few tears in my eyes. I looked over at Ryan who had his hand covering his mouth with tears pouring down his face. 

"Ry?" I said setting my guitar down and setting my hand on his arm. 

"I'm so sorry Brendon. I-I didn't know you felt that bad-" he spoke through his sobs as he wrapped his arms around me. "Bren, I-" 

"No Ryan. It's okay. I was just going through a hard time. It's over now. None of it was your fault, do you hear me? None of it. I love you so much, and I want you to forget about this." I said rubbing his back soothingly. 

"Y-You didn't really think about k-killing yourself did you?" He mumbled. 

"Of course not. I was just being overly dramatic. Now you see why I didn't want you to read it." I sighed.  

He pulled away and wiped away some of his tears. "I'm sorry. I just. I don't know. I feel like it's all my fault." he explained. 

"Ryan-" 

"I know. I know." he cut me off. "But that was beautiful Brendon. You really are talented."  

I looked up with a soft smile. "Thanks." I said. I could feel my face begin to turn red. 

I pulled him into another reassuring hug to make sure he was alright. 

"You okay?" 

"Yeah." he said giving me a small smile. 

I then took a deep breath and collapsed on my bed pulling him down with me. We laid in silence before I decided to break it. 

"Whatchya thinking about?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Do you think everything will be okay now? Now that things are back to normal?" He answered my question with his own.
 
I let out an exaggerated sigh. "Ah. I don't know. I mean don't hold your breath. It seems like every time things seem normal something else happens." I said cracking him a smile. 

"Well. Things are okay now right? They should be at least. Your not hiding anything else right? No male prostituting? Your not a member of the mafia are you?" he said in fake exaggerated horror. 

"Yeah Ry, I forgot to mention, I killed a guy in Uruguay last week because he owed me money for that time I fucked him behind a dumpster at McDonald's." I added sarcastically. 

He gasped in fake horror. "I knew it! I knew I was dating a whore!" 

I laughed and shoved a pillow in his face. "Oh shut up. I am not. If anyone's a whore it's you." 

"Me?" 

"Yes you. I was a virgin before you." I informed him. 

He was silent for a minute. "Damn you. I don't have a comeback for that." I laughed and pulled him closer to me. 

There was more comfortable silence before I broke it. Again. 

"I think, that from now on, things will be okay." I nearly whispered. 

He looked up at me with a soft smile. The smile set on his lips reassured me of my own words. 

Things would be okay. 

And I new it.