Losing Touch

Two weeks after John and Kennedy went back home, and I was due back at the hospital tomorrow. Last night both Liv and I looked at items for the little Halvorsen (as we had started to call it). We had thought of names, despite the fact that she should be doing this with her long-time boyfriend. But, I knew that she knew that all of this would help get the guilt off of my shoulders; and it did. It released the tension that I had since what happened.

I had been calling John everyday, most of the times it was twice in a day. It made me smile but also yearn for him so much more. I wanted to hug him and for him to kiss the top of my head. I wanted him to tower over me and I wanted to get up on my tippy-toes to simply peck him on the cheek. I missed all of those and much more when he went on tour.

But I wouldn’t be as lonely because sometime soon my oldest brother was flying in to visit me. I hadn’t seen him in years and so this will be awesome.

“C’mon!” Olivia yelled from the living room. I sighed, ran a hand through my hair, and walked out to the car.

“But I thought I don’t have to go for another two hours?”

“I have an appointment.” she smiled. I smiled widely and we got ready to go. We pulled up to the hospital and went inside. I went and sat down with Liv checked in. After a minute, she sat down next to me and she nodded down to her hands. They were shaking with excitement and nervousness.

“Olivia Beverly?” a nurse in brightly colored scrubs called out. Liv’s head snapped up the second she said her first name and we both walked up and into a room. The nurse asked some questions and left shortly after to go find Liv’s doctor.

She let out a shaky breath and I smiled at her. “Are you sure you’re okay with all of this?” she asked me.

I nodded. “Yes Liv. Just because I can’t have a baby and you are having one doesn’t mean I’m angry, sad, or jealous. I’m really am happy for you and Halvo. Though he doesn’t know yet.” I said with a slight laugh.

She smiled at me. “I just like making sure. Sometimes I feel bad because of all of this. But then you tell me how you feel and I’m relieved.” she said.

Then, the doctor came in after a few seconds of comfortable silence. Liv got her ultrasound done and I saw the tears in the corners of her eyes. I felt so ecstatic for her and my extended brother. She got a print out of the pictures of the little Halvorsen that was in her womb. After she made an appointment to come back in a month, she gripped my hand and we walked out to her car. We sat down and she closed her eyes as she leaned back in her seat. She had turned the car on, but it was still in park.

“He’s coming to see us in less than a week. I’m so excited. But I don’t know how to tell him.” she said once she opened her eyes.

I took her right hand and squeezed it. “You’ll figure it out, I know you will.” I said reassuringly. She smiled at me and I saw her shoulders relax. She took her left hand and set it on her tiny bump. She took in a deep breath and she started the car and we took off to grab something to eat before I had to go back in for chemo.

Once we made it into the restaurant we discussed more about Eric’s visit and how she should tell him.

“I say you give him the ultrasound picture and then let him ask.” I suggested.

“Yeah, I was thinking that or just straight up telling him. I’ll just go with the flow once he gets here.” she said as she munched on a french fry. I nodded and we ate the rest of our food.

“So, time to go back, huh?” I asked as I buckled up.

“Unfortunately. You gonna call John?” she asked as she backed out of the parking space.

I nodded my head and called the familiar number. “Hey babe.” I said.

“Hey. What are you up to?”

“Nothing, just heading off to tests for this round of chemo. Liv and I just ate.”

“Okay. We’ll we just got to the venue. And Pat’s out on another Rat Boy episode.” he said with a sigh.

I laughed and shook my head. “What caused it this time?”

“Who knows!?” he started laughing as I heard screeching in the background.

“Well, I gotta go. I love you John.”

“I love you too Zoe.” he said and we hung up. I ran my right hand through my hair and a few strands came out. I closed my eyes as I heard my door open and I saw Liv standing there with a smile on her face.

I smiled back and thanked her and she said she would be back while I went and got my tests done. Not too long after she left, I was called in and I got everything done. I went back out to the waiting room where I would be sitting for at least an hour. I waited for about fifteen minutes before I saw Liv walk in. She was smiling and then she moved away from the doorway.

I stood up smiling. “Byron!” I said walking to him and engulfing him in a hug. He picked me up and twirled me around once before setting me down.

“I missed you little sis!” he said as we went back and sat down in the uncomfortable chairs that the hospital offered.

For the next hour all three of us talked and caught up with each other. After we had talked about everything, and Liv even told him that she was pregnant - but to not tell anyone - my doctor walked out.

“Zoe O’Callaghan. Could you come back please?” he asked and I went, grabbing my brother’s hand and taking him with me and Liv.

We went into the cold room and I sat down on the examination table. The doctor sat down and we waited for Byron and Olivia to settle into a chair.

“Well, we looked at your tests and we found that the cancer is still spreading.” my breath caught in my throat, “Unfortunately if you received any more chemotherapy it would kill you. So the last treatment you had was your last. I’m so sorry Zoe. I’ll leave you alone now.”

The tears in my eyes prevented me from seeing anything clearly. The tears had started to flow and my brother now had his arms around me.

“You guys can’t tell anyone. Promise?”

Byron and Liv nodded their heads as they both cried with me. This was it, I had come to the end of the line.