Heart in A Cage

Time passed slowly. September morphed into October, and I realized it had only been two weeks since I’d moved into the Walter home. The thought made my heart clench in an unexpected way, and I didn’t bother trying to figure out why.

A lot had been on my mind lately, and I just didn’t get why I suddenly cared so much. My life before Dad’s death had been so much different from the way it was now. Things had gone on normally then, with me paying no attention to anyone around me, and minding my own business. I’d had Tyler to keep me company whenever he could, and when he wasn’t there, I zoned out and pretended nothing existed. It was so much easier to not get myself concerned with others, to not give a shit if anyone else lived or died.

But suddenly, every little thing mattered.

Why was it that I had to be “home” for dinner? Who cared if the school called a few times, saying I was missing my classes? Was it really that big of a deal if I locked myself in the guest room sometimes, and didn’t want to talk to anyone? Who really needed friends, anyway? Why couldn’t they just leave me alone in peace?

It was confusing. If someone asked, I couldn’t possibly explain to them why I was so bitter, so bewildered by everything. But then again, who was going to ask? No one, of course… After all, to everyone else, I was just an orphan boy mourning for his father. If I responded too harshly, or refused to go outside, it was because I missed my father, not because there was something else bothering me. No, that couldn’t possibly be.

Still, I tried to put on a happy façade when I was around any of the Walters, especially Aunt Karen. I didn’t want to cause problems, not for the people who’d taken me in when I had nowhere else to go. Why would I want to disrupt their happy little lives just because I was miserable? It would be wrong, so I kept quiet.

School – when I was actually there – was going along smoothly. I mostly just kept to myself, and ignored everyone else. In class, I kept my earplugs plugged in and my music off so the teacher had the impression I wasn’t paying attention, like every other student.

Nelson and I seemed to have a quiet agreement that although we walked to school together and lived in the same household, we were to ignore each other in the halls of Creston High. He had a small group of friends that he hung out with, and he pretended that I did too. I sometimes saw him at lunch, laughing and talking like a normal fifteen-year-old boy, and I would wonder if I was like that too, once upon a time. Each time I tried to recall a happy memory from my earlier days, a heavy feeling would weigh down on my mind, and I would stop trying.

As for Lukas, I went out of my way to ignore him as much as I could. When I saw him in the halls or at lunchtime, I went in the other direction so I didn’t have to hear his “come join me at lunch” speech again. The hardest times to dodge him were when he came around to see Deon, which was very frequently. He’d just suddenly appear in the living room alongside Aunt Karen or Uncle Jeff, smiling and handing out ‘hi’s’ like he ran a charity or something.

I’d never even bothered to find out if he had been joking about the walk or not… I'd just made Nelson take Kelvin the next day, so I didn’t have to go myself.

*

In first period Biology on Tuesday, I was busy wondering why the hell I’d even bothered to show up, when Mr. McLean suddenly announced that we had to “get a partner.” I groaned inwardly, and looked around. Why hadn’t I been paying attention? As students started to get up from their desks and move around the classroom, I just sat there and aimlessly started to flip through my notebook.

A few moments later, I heard the stool beside me being pulled back from under the table. I felt, rather than saw, someone sit down beside me. When I looked up, it was to see an Indian boy I recognized from my English class. I couldn’t recall his name, so I didn’t know what to say.

“Partners?” he asked, holding onto a blue pen between his index and middle finger. He had black hair that fell over his wide eyebrows, and clear, brown skin.

“I guess so,” I said shortly, and watched as he turned away and started to write notes.

The teacher droned on for the next fifteen minutes and gave us very specific instructions on the “project” we were going to do. After he was done, he sat down behind his desk and gave us the rest of the period to plan out everything. Because I had no clue what to do, or say, I sat there and doodled in my notebook.

“I’m Sam, by the way,” the boy finally said, turning to me for a second, and then going back to his notes. “I think you’re in my English class.”

“I’m Connor,” I said, feeling a little stupid for being so formal. “And yes, I am. You sit in the front with that Diamond girl, right?” I had seen them talking quietly, and smiling at each other a few times.

“Yeah,” he said, laughing a little. “She’s kind of crazy.”

I wondered what kind of relationship they had, if they were a couple, or just really good friends. But then again, it was none of my business.

“So you wanna fill me in on what to do here?” I asked casually, turning to him and giving him a questioning shrug.

“Um, yeah,” he said, flipping open his notebook and turning to a page filled with ongoing sentences.

After Biology, I survived my next two classes and made it to lunch. By then, it was a routine for me to go drop off my books in my locker, and then head to the 7-Eleven for something to eat.

Outside, gray clouds covered the whole sky and cast a gloomy shadow over the world. There was a small wind blowing that sneaked its way through my thin t-shirt, and onto my skin. I quickly shoved my hands in my pocket, and was just about to head off school grounds when I heard my name being called. It wasn’t too far away, so I figured whoever it was was pretty close by. I turned around.

It was Lukas.

I wanted to turn right back around and run away. But it was too late. He knew I’d seen him, and if I walked away now, there would be questions. I decided it was better to get away with a lame excuse, than to leave right away.

“Connor,” he said, coming up to me. His cheeks were a little pink from the cold, and he was rubbing at his bare arms with his hands.

“Hey,” I said, trying to smile. “What’s up?”

“Just going out to lunch with a few friends,” he said, running a hand through his dark hair and making it stand up in a few places. His brown eyes looked around for a moment, as though searching for something, and then landed back on me. “I was wondering if you wanted to come along.”

Shit. My mind immediately went into over-drive, trying to think of an excuse that would let me get away. This was exactly why I didn’t want to see Lukas. It bothered me, the way he was treating me, as though I were some abandoned dog who got kicked by everyone. Why did he even care that I had no friends here? It was none of his business. As I stared at his face, I wanted nothing more to lash out at him, and tell him to leave me alone.

But then, I saw him, and I had a whole another idea.

“I can’t,” I said quickly, looking over his shoulder. I tried to sound as apologetic as I could without over-doing it. “I was actually going to go hang out with my friends.”

He turned around and peered in the direction I was looking off to. When he saw that I had pointed to Sam and Diamond, who were standing under the sycamore tree a little ways away, his face seemed to fall. Then he brightened, smiling and laughing a little. “Oh, yeah, okay. No problem.” He stared at me for a moment, and I saw something in his eyes shift; it looked as though he was studying me, searching for something on my face. In an instant, the look was gone, and he mock-shivered and said goodbye. Before I knew it, he had turned around and walked away, leaving me standing there in the bitter cold.

It was a few moments later that I snapped out of my reverie and looked in Sam and Diamond’s direction again. They still stood in the same place, their faces light and happy. I made myself move, and was soon heading straight for them. When I thought I was close enough, I waited for Sam to catch my eye, and then waved at him, like we were old friends or something.

“Hey,” I greeted, giving a strained smiling and hoping they didn’t notice how uncomfortable I was. “You guys going anywhere for lunch?”

Sam seemed to have run out of words. He glanced at Diamond, then at me, and then back to Diamond. I saw something pass between them – an understanding, maybe – and he shook his head. “Nah,” he said casually, shrugging his shoulders a little. “We normally just hang around here, and get something to eat after school.”

“Oh,” I mumbled. I didn’t know what to do next – was I supposed to start up a conversation, or leave? Were they giving me some sort of hint to get away from them? I had no clue.

“Hey, you’re Connor, right?” Diamond suddenly asked, turning to me. Her long brown hair hung in curtains around her face, and the wire-rimmed glasses she wore were almost identical to the ones Nelson had.

“Yeah,” I chimed in. “And you’re Diamond.”

“I am,” she said matter-of-factly, brushing a loose strand of hair out of her face. “I believe you’re in our English class.” Out of the corner of her eye, she glanced at Sam, who seemed to be lost in his own thoughts.

I nodded. “I’m in Sam’s Biology class, too.”

“Samir,” she pointed out.

“What?”

“His name is Samir, Samir Sharma.”

Before I could say anything, Sam snapped out of his thoughts, and jumped in. “No, it’s okay,” he muttered, giving Diamond a look. “Just call me Sam… Only she calls me Samir.” He rolled his eyes, and grinned like, What can you do, right?

There was a rather stiff silence, as I thought of what I could say next. This had to be the most awkward conversation I’d ever had… If I thought talking to Lukas was uncomfortable, this was ten times worse.

Diamond came to the rescue again. “I’m hungry,” she declared, hugging her books to her chest tightly and gazing around briefly at all of the students packed in tight little groups. “Maybe we should break our little tradition, and get something to eat with Connor here.” She was looking at Sam.

Sam shrugged, and glanced at me with a questioning look. “What do you think?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, a little too quickly. “I mean, yeah, that sounds great. I usually head over to the 7-Eleven down there,” I said, pointing in the general direction. “If you guys want to go there, then…”

“Of course,” Diamond agreed, already starting to walk away.

Sam and I glanced at each other. A small smile passed between us, and soon we were following Diamond with hurried steps and listening to her complain about Mrs. Mylar’s – our English teacher – way of teaching.