Want Your Bad Romance

For the next few weeks, my telephone was incredibly busy. If I wasn't getting calls from France, I was getting updates from Kenni at her restaurant or chatting with Pat who was vacationing in the mountains. I'd even started getting calls from my agent about publications and new deadlines, projects, and events.

One evening when it rang, I answered it to find my agent, Mike Anderson, on the line.

"Oh, hey Mike."

"You got anything in the works?"

"Sorta. I've been toying with an idea. I've got some bits and pieces, nothing really continuous."

"Do you think it'll come together? The publishers are interested in hearing what you've got to offer."

"That's great. I think I could pull something out of it, yeah."

"Great. I'll let them know and get back to you."

I hung up, my day brightened. They were interested. The publishers were interested. It wasn't the first time they'd come to me, but it didn't happen everyday.

~

I had lunch with Kenni that afternoon, and we were interrupted by a call from Johnny. I took it because she told me to.

"Hey, sweetie," I answered, a smile immediately finding its way to my face.

"Hey."

"What's up?" I asked. His answer was unusually short.

"We're taking a break on set. I thought I'd get back to you."

He was speaking almost formally, not relaxed as he usually did and nowhere near as affectionate.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, that's fine." I heard a female voice speaking in French. He answered in French, sounding distant, as if holding the phone away from his face.

"Johnny, what's going on?"

"Sounds good," he answered.

I realized who the French woman was.

"Call me later. When you're not busy," I said, a malicious hint to my voice, before hanging up.

I returned to Kenni, fuming. "I cannot believe I interrupted our lunch with that."

I noticed my hands were shaking and my heart was racing in my chest. I felt heat in my face. I could not believe he would do such a thing.

"What's wrong?"

I studied my plate, remaining quiet. Then I shook my head.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Of course," I answered. "Right now, I have to figure some things out, and talk to him about it. I'll tell you later."

She nodded and we returned to our food and previous conversation.

~

"Don't you ever do that to me again," I commanded as I answered my cell phone later that evening. "Do you not understand how difficult that was for me? The one thing I've struggled with in this relationship is the possibility of your family being torn apart and yet you go flaunting your affair in Vanessa's face. If this is how you treat your relationships, it's a wonder we've made it this long. I can't believe you would do that."

"Jen, I'm so sorry, let me explain -"

"How is it possible that we haven't been caught yet? Do you get off on the thrill? Is that it? Are you walking around dropping hints left and right for a challenge? Are you just trying to see how much you can give away while pulling it off? Because if that's the case, I want nothing to do with it. If that's what you're doing you can find yourself a new plaything -"

"Jen, that was the first and last time anything like that's happened. Listen. Please." The last word was whispered and his voice almost broke. I stayed silent.

"I'm not sure what came over me. I've just been missing you so much lately… I suppose I've been clinging to Vanessa and the kids because there's this loneliness… I guess it's just part of missing you. And today I was just suddenly overwhelmed and had to hear your voice. I had your number dialed before Vanessa walked into the room but then when she did, I just kept talking. I don't know why, I guess I wanted to hear your voice so badly… And I suppose part of it could have been the thrill and the attractive possibility that she'd find out and leave me…

"But now you've pointed how wrong and risky it was, which has shown me you care about my family more than I do. I think I need to fix that, at least with the kids. I swear what happened today will never happen again. So I'm going to leave it at this: I love you and miss you and beg for your forgiveness."

I was quiet for a moment, moved by what he had said. However, it was just words. I couldn't see his expression, his surroundings. He was an actor for a living.

"Is she there now?" I nearly whispered.

"Of course not."

"Where is she? Where are Jack and Lily-Rose?"

"Jen, what are you -"

"Where are they?"

"Vanessa's at the store and the kids are at the park with friends a block away."

I was silent for a small while again.

"God, this is just so hard," I whispered.

"I know."

"I miss you."

"I know."

We lapsed into silence. A thought was nagging at the back of my head.

"Johnny, why are you doing this? I mean, I've seen you two interact and we've talked about it a little but… never in so many words. Why are you seeing me when you have a beautiful, skinny, blonde frenchwoman as the mother of your children?"

"Don't ever compare yourself to her. You are one of the most beautiful women on this planet. Know that."

"Okay, fine. But why?"

He sighed. I was not in the mood for heart-felt moments, nor was I letting him off the phone without an answer. I was frustrated, lonely, and confused, as well as mad at myself for letting this get to me. I'd never been in this position, nor had I ever depended on a significant other so much and I was beginning to disgust myself. I'd also not been in a long-distance relationship, so everything was new and confusing. I had not clue what I was doing right or what I was doing wrong.

I needed answers.

"Well, I know we've talked before about how she's seemed distant for awhile now. And I mentioned I thought she was seeing someone else, right?"

I felt my jaw fall open.

"Shit," he said. "I'll take that as a no. Jen, I thought I told you that, I swear."

"So the reason you're having an affair with me is because you suspect Vanessa of having an affair," I reiterated, my voice deadly low and calm.

"Jen, no-"

"An eye for an eye, right?"

"Listen, I can't -"

"I'm just payback. Okay, cool. I get it."

"Nothing's confirmed, Jen. When we kissed -"

"I'm sorry. Apparently that was a mistake. I had no clue it would mess with your head so much. I had no clue that you were at a tumultuous place in your relationship with her. I can't express my regret that I took advantage of that, even if I did so unknowingly. I think you need to heal that relationship, or at least try before considering leaving her. And if you were never even considering leaving Vanessa, I'm not sure why we started this in the first place. Your kids and your family come first and I'm sorry to have even posed a minor threat."

"Jen, don't do this."

"I'm going to hang up now. I hope we can be friends in the future, but I don't want to come between you and your family."

I hung up the phone, glad he couldn't see me shaking. I was awed that my voice had remained steady through the whole speech.

My shakes got worse as I sat down on the couch. I felt the need to cry but the tears weren't coming. I pulled my legs up to my chest as the phone rang. I let it go to the message machine, in no state to talk.

"Alright, okay, I'm glad you didn't answer because I'm not sure I'd be able to get a word in edgewise if you had," I heard his voice begin.

"And yes, my suspicions were one of the reasons I proposed the affair.

"But that's just it, Jen. One reason. It was one reason. I mean, yes, it played a part and that probably isn't a very good thing. But it wasn't the sole reason.

"You're a beautiful woman and I feel so right around you. I feel - loved. I feel needed. I feel useful. I feel like a person. Around her I feel like a tool, like… like a father - and there is no better feeling than that, believe me. But to be seen as simply a father, not a lover, not a boyfriend, not a husband… It can take its toll.

"I don't know when this is going to cut me off, but I want you to hear all of this.

"When we kissed I felt something I haven't in a very long while, and I didn't want to let that go.

"I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say I love you, Jennifer."

A short silence followed.

"Please, Jen. Give us another shot."

More silence. Then a sigh and a click, a beep telling me he'd hung up. I noticed my cheeks were wet.

A few hours later, aching from sobbing, but with a mostly dry face, I picked up the telephone and dialed her number. When Kenni answered, I realized it wasn't her voice I wanted to hear.