Want Your Bad Romance

I was hesitant when I was invited to a premiere event by Katherine Heigl's brother John. I'd met Katherine and her brother through Patrick Dempsey, whom I met briefly during Amy's filming of Enchanted. John Heigl was asking as a friend, but I still wasn't sure whether it would be a good thing if I showed up.

I hadn't seen Johnny for about two weeks — his family was in the States. It was our first real break in our relationship, and at first it had come as a painful and tangible reminder that he wasn't mine. Not yet, at least. Now I was trying to numb myself to that pain, knowing I would probably have to put up with thoughts like these for a while.

I was fairly certain he and Vanessa would be at the premiere.

What an opportunity, an eerie voice whispered in my mind. Go. See them together. See if this affa— relationship is going to work out. See if you can handle the pressure.

That sounds like a challenge, I answered the voice. It fell quiet.

Eventually, once more, I was dressed to the nines in an outfit borrowed from l'Closet de Amy Adams. John and I slowly made our way down the red carpet, pausing and posing every now and then. We made it inside, and there, we encountered Brittany Snow, whom I'd met through Katherine Heigl. Katherine knew James Marsden, who had acted alongside Brittany Snow in Hairspray. I'd actually had plenty of encounters with Brittany previously, and thought she was a very nice person. The three of us sat together and watched the movie without event. But afterward, in the lobby, we happened upon Johnny and Vanessa.

While John left to greet other acquaintances, Brittany approached the couple and struck up a conversation, intrigued by Vanessa's music career. I stood next to Brittany a bit awkwardly, knowing if I opened my mouth, I would say something I'd regret — something both Johnny and I would regret, even. He seemed unaffected, and tried to pull me into the conversation. I attempted to act normally, but I couldn't shake my awkwardness.

It didn't particularly help that Johnny was resting his hand on Vanessa's waist. I couldn't stop myself from remembering what his hand felt like on my waist. I was distracted by his little motions throughout the whole discussion. He would pull her close to him every now and then, and I would recall what it was like to have my own side pulled flush against his. At one point, he slid his hand up her back to rest his fingers around the back of her neck. That nearly sent me over the edge - I honestly felt his hand caressing my back as it made its way to my neck.

"I — um — need air," I coughed out, and all but shoved my drink at Brittany. I nearly ran to the side door. She followed.

When we were outside, she asked, genuinely concerned, "What's wrong, hon?" She stepped up next to me and began to rub my back, attempting to comfort me.

"Oh, it's nothing," I told her simply, stepping out of her reach politely. "I don't think my drink is quite agreeing with me, that's all."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to stay out here with you?"

"No, no, no. Go back inside. Mingle. Have fun. I'm fine, I'll be back in a minute."

"Alright," she said slowly before returning to the small after party.

Why do I always let those little things get to me? I berated myself mentally.

I heard the door squeak and turned to see who else had followed me out.

"What's wrong, Jen?" he asked gently. He took a half step toward me.

"Nothing," I answered quickly. Then I looked to him and saw the concern on his face. I looked back to my shoes. "I just need to get used to it," I nearly whispered."I've never been one for plunging straight into the cold water - "

"Can we talk inside?" he asked me softly. Slightly offended by his interruption, my eyes snapped to him, but my annoyance melted when I saw his expression. His concern had been joined by sadness and — regret? Guilt? I could quite tell. He had raised his arm halfway, as if he wanted to reach out to me, pull me to him, comfort me. A slight breeze stirred my hair and the skirt of my dress, then I heard the distant snap of a camera shutter.

Outside. Paparazzi. Secret.

Can't things just be simple?

I cleared my throat. "Uh, sure, yeah. I'll be in in a little while. I need some air to clear my head."

"Okay. I'll be waiting by the door." He turned and went back inside — and I felt utterly deserted.

I sighed and followed him — the fresh air couldn't do much more. As soon as I stepped inside, I felt his hand grab my elbow and pull me into the shadows of the hallway that led to the bathrooms.

"What are we doing?" I whispered, confused. Not answering, he stopped and poked his head inside the ladies' room. He turned back to me and grabbed my hand.

"Come on," he whispered, and pulled me through the door with him.

"Johnny, what on earth are we doing in a women's — " I was cut off by his lips crashing onto mine. He pulled me close to him, and his hands roamed over my body lightly, not lustily, as if he couldn't find exactly where he wanted them to rest. In his kiss, I could feel all the frustration and confusion that had been rolling around inside me. He was having a hard time too - he just covered it up better.

I let my arms hang around his neck and enjoyed the kiss, now much more at ease since discovering I wasn't alone in my confusion. Now we could deal with it together.

When he finally broke the kiss, he didn't pull away any further. After a second of looking into my eyes, he spoke.

"I'm so sorry, Jen. I feel horrible for doing this to you, for putting you through this. If you want to walk away, I understand completely."

I waited until his anxious eyes were back on mine. "Do you want me to leave?" I asked.

"No. God no. It's just -— "

"Then I'm staying," I interrupted him. A genuine smile flashed across his face. But it was soon gone again.

"I just don't feel right doing this to you. To either of you. And I know the solution seems simple - to just choose one of you and spare the long-term pain but… but it isn't that simple. I can't do it. Not just yet." He rested his forehead on mine. "I care about you both so much…. Right now, it just… I just feel like I need you both. And saying that makes me feel petty and selfish and horrible, and really, I won't blame you if — "

"Shh," I interrupted him, putting a finger to his lips. "It's okay. Not yet. Let's just see what happens — where life takes us." I reached up and touched my lips to his, then pulled back to see his smile.

"I don't deserve you," he said.

"Are we ready to go back out there?" I asked him.

He nodded. "You go first, and tell them I had to use the restroom."

"Okay."

I did as he suggested, then chewed at the insides of my mouth for the rest of the evening to distract myself. I can do this, I thought to myself encouragingly.

But for how long? a spiteful, doubting little voice in the back of my head asked.