And I Don't Want The World to See Me

Waiting is not my ideal way to spend a Saturday morning. Granted, the test only takes about five minutes but it feels like about a million years. I paced the small space, sat on the closed toilet seat, leaned against the shower stall, anything to pass the time. Chloe came knocking on the door and I shooed her away, telling her I had gotten bad cramps and was taking care of it. She sighed impatiently and stomped away. She was such a drama queen sometimes.
My mind revved though. How would I tell people, the girls, my parents, Justin? Steven? I sat some more on the closed lid and thought some more and before then it was time to read the results…

Yes

It was like I couldn’t read again. That small three letter word took about a million years to process in my head. That little word could be the death of me, the death of the freedom I was looking forward too.
Oh well, too bad, it was a good two weeks but it’s time to go back home.
No, I can’t I worked to hard the last two weeks to find myself a job and a place to live. No, I’m staying. I have options.
Ok, think about them why don’t you. It takes money to abort, it takes money to do most anything in the world.
It costs more to raise a child.
Adoption, dummy.
I can’t. I can’t carry around that thing in my womb, my battle scars from a world I barely even know.
It’s only fair. At least give it a fighting chance.
I’m only seventeen I can’t do this.
You know where you should be right now.
School, the first day.
Yeah, and if you weren’t selfish maybe you wouldn’t have to consider adoption or abortion because you’d be at home, safely tucked into your bed with a boyfriend at the least.
I’m a selfish person.
Bull shit, Jordan. Stop lying to yourself.
And Steven would be at school already, probably forgot about me already. Hooked up with another girl and left the one he had behind.
You left him, remember that Jordan when you want to blame him next time.
So then maybe it wasn’t Steven--
Don’t blame Justin either…or your parents
Ok, so what if it was me? I can’t go back now. I worked too hard to get where I am at this moment.
What about Matt?
if Matt wasn’t such a relationship Nazi maybe I wouldn’t even be here right now.
I tossed the pregnancy test and the box it came in into the bathroom trash can and walked out. I sat next to Chloe on the couch, Julia had settled with reruns of The Soup and Chloe was on Facebook.
“You got a Facebook?” she asked, catching me peeking.
I thought a second, “Nah.”
“Really?” she asked. “Lets make ya one right now. They’re so addicting.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head/
“Why not?” she whined.
“Because I don’t feel like getting addicted to a social networking site that one day my children will come across and most likely find pictures of me being ridiculously stupid and get the wrong idea,” I said, blushing slightly at my own reference to children.
Chloe just rolled her eyes and clicked on her Farmville app. I watched for a little bit while she harvested her “crops” and plowed and fertilized her friend’s “crops” and tended her animals. She went back to the home page before going to another app. It looked familiar. I watched as she pressed the little button. MindJolt’s home page popped up. I looked away. I ran out of the room, doubled over. That was my first experience with morning sickness.

****

“You sure your ok?” Jessica asked for the billionth time.
“Yes,” I said, exasperated and exhausted with their questioning.
I grabbed my blanket and pillow from Jessica and Chloe’s room, Julia, Kyla, and Gemma shared the other and it was customary that the new roommate sleep on the couch until they can afford a bed. Of course, there’s not supposed to be six people in one two-bedroom apartment, in fact I’m pretty sure there’s only supposed to be four. In Julia’s room the bed’s were all jammed in there, barely fitting it seemed.
I made up my bed, it wasn’t a pullout couch, and laid down. Everyone had already gone to their rooms, most of them had to work tomorrow but I was off along with Gemma. I couldn’t stop fidgeting with my hands, I was nervous-anxious. I had to call the clinic in the morning to make an appointment to get this baby… I didn’t know if I should call Steven and tell him or if I should just leave it alone. Or maybe, Gwynedd-Mercy was only an hour or so from where I was staying, maybe I could go see him.
No.
I turned to face the back of the couch and snuggled into the faux leather material. Sleep was hard that night. I don’t think I got good rest. I wanted to blame it on the baby but I knew I couldn’t. Couldn’t because it was obvious I was nervous the next day. I was on end from the minute I woke up. Like when Chloe and Jessica came in to ask me if I was ok or if one of them should call in sick to take care of me I snapped and said I was fine. They left quickly after that, too quickly for me to apologize. I grabbed my phone off the coffee table to check the time but instead found the two missed call and one voicemail. My mom and Steven.
I closed out of it all and pulled out the phonebook and looked for the nearest clinic. While searching my phone rang again, my mom again. Maybe while I was out I could stop at that Verizon store I’d seen a few times on my way to Eloise’s Paws.