And I Don't Want The World to See Me

I’d been to Bocchese family parties before but not since my incidents with Steven but today there’s an end of the school year party Steven’s throwing and obviously he invited me but so did Matt, as his girlfriend. I go obviously and what I get is more than I bargained for. I get no parents because Mr. Bocchese is on a business trip, I get lots of seniors making out, I get an overbearing boyfriend and four blank white walls.
Matt says it’d be easier to stay in his room that day because there’d be alcohol.
What I want to say is, “Duh, don’t you think Steven told me. Retard.”
What I do say is. “Ok.”
I get safe kissing on his fresh made bed. Safe kissing is making out minus groping and any hands touching the body; I’ve dealt with three years of safe kissing. I want something naughty but Matt doesn’t know and he never will because I plan on dropping him as soon as I know Steven’s for real.
There’s a knock on the door and Steven sticks his head into the room. Matt quickly pulls away from me and I eye him madly but he doesn’t see it because he’s looking at Steven.
“Yeah?” he asks.
“Mom’s on the phone downstairs,” he tells Matt. “And I brought you guys some drinks.”
“We don’t want them,” Matt says as he scoots out past Steven.
I roll my eyes.
“Why are you with him?”
I blush. “Why not?”
“I mean, your gorgeous. You could have any guy in the whole world and your with him,” Steven says. “He wears a bow tie to school everyday.”
I shrug. “It was cute.”
“Was?” Steven says and I blush.
I slipped up. “It doesn’t even matter.”
“Yeah it does.” Steven’s stepping closer to where I sit on the bed.
I roll my eyes. He’s a foot in front of me.
Eleven inches.
Seven inches.
Four inches.
Two inches. I stand up, he’s taller than me by seven inches at the least.
We’re really close. I can feel the intensity growing between us the longer we wait to touch. I’m about to reach for his hand when Matt comes back in. I feel his eyes on my back.
Steven’s intense eyes turn to ones of fun and he smiles wide as he says. “Really, Jordan? I’ll have your Marble Lines high score beat by tomorrow morning.”
I sigh in relief.
“And I’ll be hungover,” he takes a huge gulp of beer and I smell it on his breath. I wince back.
“Whatever you say,” I say and roll my eyes. I discreetly step away and cross my arms over my chest.
He takes another gulp and starts for the door, belching in Matt’s face as he went. I winced in disgust from all the way across the room.
“What was that?” Matt asked.
“Just talking about MindJolt,” I said.
Matt rolls his eyes at me. “You guys are so childish.”
“It’s nice to have fun sometimes,” I reply.
“Yeah, well, it’s a little weird that you and my brother are bonding,” he says.
I roll my eyes. “Whatever.”
He lays down on his bed and puts hands behind his head.
I slip on my flip-flops and flip my long brown hair over my shoulder.
“Where are you going?” Matt asks.
“Home. I think we should take a break for a while,” I say.
“Fine, Jordan,” Matt says and rolls his eyes at me.
I scoff, what did I ever see in him? I open the door and slam it shut behind me. I feel partially relieved. The fact that he didn’t care more about me leaving has something to do with it. I mean, I knew we both felt something pulling us in different directions but it would have been nice to show a little more emotion. Something else that has me still feeling weighed down is that I said “a break” why don’t I just say I want out of the relationship?
I pass by Steven on the way out and he does a double take watching me leave. He tells some girl to hold his drink and than comes running after me only I don’t really have a interest in talking to him at the moment.
“Jordan?” he calls after me.
I get in my car. And just as I turn the key and am about to speed away he speeds up and gets into the seat beside me.
“Why are you leaving?” he asks.
“I just am.” I sigh. I just want to get out of here. “You’ll probably know by the end of the night.”
Steven shakes his head. “Just stay. Please.”
“Please get out of my car,” I sigh.
He pushes the door open and slams it shut behind him. Maybe I just blew up. Maybe I’m going to end up an old lady, alone except my ten cats like my seventh and eighth grade English teacher.
I pull out of the driveway and end up home alone. It just adds to my pathetic mode. I mope around waiting for someone to be home already. I make a pizza and eat some ice cream watch a few episodes of Paranormal State On Demand and mess around on Myspace, completely avoiding Facebook.
Finally my mom arrives home. She and my dad are two way different personalities. My mom is the soothing one who can always make you feel better and my dad is the short fuse who is always edgy. Around him I feel like I’m walking on egg shells.
Mom wraps her arm around me and I lean my head on her shoulder sobbing about how confusing the world is and how I hate boys and should give up altogether. My mom is the one who listens and want my happiness and is always concerned with my well being.
We hear a car door slam shut outside and both the dogs start barking at the front door anticipating company. I sprung off the couch and into my room not even risking running into my dad like this. My dad thinks he has my best interests in mind but sometimes he’s wrong. I mean I love him but he’s so pushy. Sometimes I think he’s only looking at the outcome. Not the living in the moment part, he so analytical. It’s like he’s OCD or something. I hear the front door slam shut and than the dogs tails thudding against the hallway walls as he walked to the bedroom where he would change from suit and tie to sweats and a T. See, I could even predict that much. I heard the door to their room shut and I grabbed the towel off the back of my door and rushed into the bathroom before he could come out. I started the water and drew myself a bath. I ran back to my room to grab a notebook and pen. I had some serious thinking to do.

****

By the end of my bath it was about an hour and a half later. I trudged out of the bathroom wrapped in my towel and my hair dripping wet. I ran to my room with my dirty clothes piled on top of my notebook.
In the notebook, the page before the last, I put Matt and Steven’s names at the top and a list of pros and cons underneath. In the end, Matt had three pros and four cons and Steven had an advantage of not only seven pros, but also one con. I think I knew what I needed to do but I was just to scared to do it.
I laid my head down on the pillow, just outside my window the sun was setting. The colors streamed through my blinds and made designs on my ceiling. I stared up at them until they turned duller and duller and finally faded away. My phone chirped countless times as I stared. There was a knock on my door.
“Yeah?” I called. I sat up slightly and noticed my eyes were slightly damp. I wiped them off just as the door opened.
“Dinner, sweetie,” Mom said, poking her head in.
“Not hungry,” I reply and put my head back down.
“Are you sure?” she asks.
I only nod, my eyes closed, and soon my door clicks shut. I wait for sleep to come that night. It never did.