We Made Our Way Dreaming

I felt I needed to say something to Nick, to acknowledge what had happened and what it had caused. I felt it was the only way to move on. I had made up my mind when Devon called, and Joe was still in my bed, naked under the covers. His arm had been around me, holding me when I went back to sleep. And then my phone rang. I didn't need to look at the ID to know who it was. I knew because I was such a horrible person and karma was a bitch.

"Finally," he said. "Do you know how worried I've been? You haven't called me in days. No one else has heard from you. The blogs are still free of you--."

"Devon," I cut across his ranting. "Devon, listen--"

"I know, I know, you're a big girl, and I shouldn't worry. You can handle yourself. I'm just being crazy. You'll kill me if I keep torturing myself over this. I've heard it all before, Mel. But I can't help it. You mean too much to me."

I looked at Joe as Devon said this. His eyes were on mine, and I felt a twinge of pain erupt in my chest. What had I done? What was I going to do? I loved Devon, I really did. I knew he was where my life was going to now. But with Joe -- there was something there. It was like out connection could never truly be erased. He would always be a part of me. After all, I had spent more than half my life loving him with all my heart. Hell, I had married him almost right out of high school. No one even bothered to tell us we were too young, because it was going to happen. But everything with Nick -- I had to leave. I had to leave him. I had hurt him too badly, though he never truly knew. I knew he suspected that there had been something between me and Nick, but I was too much of a coward to tell him the truth, that his younger brother had kissed me. Instead, I ran. I took a red eye out to LA and somehow managed to get my music career started. And then I met Devon. In five years, I tried not to think of Joe, and it usually worked. But here I was, having just slept with him and now I was talking to my fiancé on the phone. God, I needed to be struck down by lightning or something.

"Devon--," I started, watching as Joe's eyes narrowed.

"I know, you need your time to do whatever you needed to do," he said. "I just really miss you. You've been gone way too long. I need you near me always. That's why I can't wait to marry you."

"Me too," I said quietly, looking away from Joe. I couldn't meet his eyes. 'I'll -- I'll be home soon, promise."

"So you're almost done your business?"

"I'm almost done here, yes," I said quietly. I felt Joe get out of my bed, but I couldn't look at him. "I got to go, okay?"

"Okay, bye, love you."

"Love you too," I whispered. I hung up and looked up. Joe had his sweats on, but his chest was still bare. I tried not to look.

'What just happened?" he asked quietly. I didn't answer, looking away. "What just happened, Melody?"

"Joe--." I sighed. I didn't know what to say.

"You're going back to him," he said, not even trying to hide the pain behind his voice. "You just fucking slept with me, fucking felt the chemistry we still have, and you're going back to him."

"He's my fiancé."

"I'm your husband! That didn't stop you from leaving and not coming back for five years! Five years, Mel. You fucking left me for five years, no note, no call, no explanation. You just left. I had to find out from the fucking television that my wife was in LA!"

"I-I'm sorry," I answered.

"No you're not,' he laughed bitterly. "You're not sorry, because if you were, you wouldn't have come back at all. You wouldn't have fucking just had sex with me only to go back to him. Why are you doing this to me, Mel? I love you, even now, even after you left, and you keep spurning me. You keep pushing me away, even though we're perfect for each other, even though we were made for each other!"

"We weren't, Joe!" I yelled now. "Can't you see that? Do you remember what it was like for us weeks before I left? We weren't getting along, Joe. We weren't made for each other! I was horrible. We weren't speaking half the time, and when we were, we fought like hell. It was horrible, Joe."

He grew very calm and still. “Melody, whatever you say now, I know we were meant to be. I’ve known it my whole life, from the moment I saw you, I knew. I knew you were the girl I was going to marry, and we did, just like we were supposed to. And we could have made it work. We got married so young, but married couple fight. That’s what they do. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. I loved you, I still do. I know still with all my heart that you and I belong together. And I know that if you hadn’t left when you did, if you had given us more of a chance, we could have made it. And we would have been so happy now, so happy.”

I looked away, unable to meet his eyes. I knew now that he didn’t know still. He didn’t know just how worthless I was. I could have told him. I could just let it out, but I just couldn’t do it. I was still too much of a coward. “No we wouldn’t have, Joe,” I said instead. “I’m sorry, but it’s true. We made a mistake in marrying that early. We made a mistake and I’m here now to correct it. I’m sorry I slept with you last night, I shouldn’t have. And yes I know there was fire between us, but it doesn’t matter. It’s too late for us.”

His voice was very controlled when he spoke again, like he was trying to hide his emotions. “I know I didn’t trust you then. I know I accused you and Nick of betraying me, and then pretended to forgive you. I know I was the reason you left, because you felt I was pushing you away. And I’m so sorry for that. Melody, I will never be able to forgive myself for that. But I know I was wrong. I know you would have never done anything like that to me, and I’m sorry for even considering it. But even when I did, I loved you Melody, and that was why I was so hurt, and why I was so hard on you about it. Because I wanted so badly to be mad at you or hate you even, but I couldn’t. Hell, I couldn’t even dislike you. Because I loved you with all my heart. Because I knew you were my other half. Because I knew you loved me too. And because I knew we were made for each other. And today, I still believe all of that. I still love you. I still believe you’re my other half. I still believe we’re meant to be. And most importantly, I still believe with every fiber in my body that you love me too.”

I turned away as he took a deep breath and walked out, leaving me alone.