We Made Our Way Dreaming

“Wow this room hasn’t changed a bit,” Joe said, leaning away. I sighed in relief. I knew he was just messing with my head, but I couldn't take it.

“No one really comes in here,” I glared at him as he walked to my dresser.

“Wow and all these pictures,” he said, turning back to grin at me quickly before looking back at them. “I remember helping you tape them all up.”

“And you got tape all over you,” I laughed, rolling my eyes. “How you managed that one, I still have no idea.”

‘I just wanted the attention from you,” he said, not turning back. Without seeing his expression, I couldn’t tell if he was joking or if he was serious. “Hey, I remember this picture.” He turned to show me a photo.

“Me too,” I said quietly. I did. It was at the annual Jonas/Stryder picnic’s in the summer that I had broken my arm when I had fallen out of a tree. Even though it wasn’t entirely Joe’s fault, he took all the blame on himself. That day at the picnic, instead of going to play or swim or go boating or anything else, he sat with me in the shade because I couldn’t do any of those things. That was the summer I had realized I was in love with my best friend.

“We had some good times, didn’t we?” he sat on my bed.

I pulled a little closer to myself. “Yeah we did. But that’s all over Joe. You know we can’t go back.”

“Can’t we?” he sighed quietly.

“No, we can’t,” I said, trying to sound firm. “I need you to sign the papers Joe.”

“No,’ he said. “I don’t believe it’s over.”

“It is,” I insisted. “Too much has happened. After – what happened, we can’t go back.”

“Is that why you never called me back?” he said quietly.

“Look,” I sighed, and looked away. “I’ve moved on from the past, okay Joe? It’s a closed chapter in my life. I’m sorry for what happened, and I’m sorry you haven’t been able to move on. But we can’t go back, okay? We can’t start up again.”

“Melody?” he said.

“Yeah?” I turned to look at him.

I was met with his lips, hard and sure on mine. I don’t know why, but I kissed him back. It was so familiar, so natural, kissing him. He had been the only one I kissed for so long. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him closer, leaning back on my bed. He was hovering on top of me, his lips still on mine. But then, I remembered Devin. I remembered why I was here. I pushed him off. “No,” I said, jumping up. “We can’t do that.”

“Come on, you liked it,” he smirked at me. “You kissed me back.”

“For like a second,” I rolled my eyes. “But trust me, it will not happen again.”

“We’ll see about that wifey,” he smirked, looking slightly smug.

I groaned. “Just give me a damn divorce Joe.”

“Nope, can’t do that,” he said.

“Why the fuck not?” I demanded.

“Cause I’m still in the game,” he said, getting up and leaving me alone. I stared after him, wondering what the fuck just happened.

“Oh this is just like the old days, isn’t it?” my mother cooed as she placed the last plate on the table. “Nicholas and Frankie and Joe and Melody, it’s like nothing’s changed. It makes me very happy.”

Joe smirked at me as everyone nodded. I refrained from rolling my eyes as my sister stared at me, daring me to contradict her. Joe cleared his throat. “Mind if I say grace Mrs. S?”

“Of course dear,” she smiled and everyone took hands. Joe’s thumb lightly traced circles on my skin. I sighed. How had I been placed next to him?

“Dear father we thank thee for the bountiful food placed before us today. It is in your grace that our Melody has finally returned to us and that we have gotten together again in a chance to show her all she has missed. Amen.”

“Amen,” we all repeated, though I glared at him. What the fuck was up with that grace? Everyone let go of their hands except for Joe.

“Do you know what this reminds me of?” my mom asked. “That Christmas the boys had finally come back from tour for the holidays, and Joe and Melody hid out in her room the whole night except for dinner. Honestly, we could not separate you two.”

“Can we go without the nostalgia mom,” I begged. I couldn’t take it, especially after what had just happened in my room.

“No I kind of like it,” Joe smirked at him.

Nick just looked uncomfortable. “No we can skip it.”

“Oh man though, I remember that,” Mitchie added, laughing. I mentally kicked her. Unfortunately, my psychic powers clearly hadn’t improved since I had been here last which meant she didn’t feel it. “And Nick too. He used to get so jealous that he couldn’t be in on the fun, and he’s just pout around, trying to convince Kevin to help him con the two of them out.”

“Oh you used to follow Mitchie around like a lovesick puppy,” my mother cooed at Nick.

Joe, Nick, and I all looked down uncomfortably. “Mom seriously, can we just eat?”

“Of course dear,” she smiled and everyone started digging in.

“Honestly though, you two were a match made in heaven,” she continued a few minutes later, still clearly oblivious to our discomfort. Well not Joe’s. He was smirking at me.”It was fate.”

“We were, weren’t we?” he said. “You know, I always said that a match made in heaven could never actually be ended.”

“I’ve always thought that too,” Mitchie said.

“That’s why I’m going to see your father again when I join him,” my mother smiled.

I sat rigid at my father’s mention. Why did she need to bring him up? Why did she need to bring any of this up? Joe put his hand on my leg to comfort me. This bothered me to no end so I moved my leg out of his reach. I hated that he still knew me so well, that he could still know when I just needed someone.

We all ate quietly then. I didn’t mind that, even if the awkward silence hung in the air. It was better than having to hear about how messed up everything was. But of course, my mother had to go and ruin it.

“You know, your father always used to say that he could always remember what love was when he saw you too,” she smiled. “He used to tell me it reminded me why he loved me so much every day.”

“Stop,” I said, standing now. “God, what is wrong with you? Love and matches made in heaven, fate, stupid memories no one cares about anymore?” Everyone was staring at me now, but I couldn’t stop myself. I knew I was hurting her with my words but I was too far gone now. My voice was wavering and tears were brimming in my eyes. “None of that is real. Fate? It’s bullshit. Joe and I are over, and we are nothing, nothing like you and dad. We will never be you two, happily in love with kids until one of us is yanked away by your God. So I’d really appreciate it if you’d all realize that Joe and I are over.”

I turned and walked out. I left my house, not really sure where I was going. But the tears were coming freely now as I thought of the hurt look on all of their faces. God, why had I been so cruel? Would it have been so bad to just sit there quietly and let her have her fun? But I knew the answer to that.

It would have been, because there had been a time when I believed everything they were just saying. I had truly, from the bottom of my heart, believed that Joe and I were going to be like my parents one day, living happily, raising kids, in love. I had wanted all of that, with Joe. I had thought that was what I was going to get. But then, it had blown up in my face, and now, it was too late for it. It was too late to remember that I had subconsciously known from the time I was 5 and had first met Joe that I had found my soul mate. It was too late to go back and act like nothing had happened.

I realized where I was then, and found even more tears forming in my eyes. I was at the graveyard. I hadn’t known I was coming here, but now that I was here, I knew this was where I needed to be. I easily found my father’s grave, sighing as I fell on my knees next to it.

“Hi daddy,” I said, tears falling from my eyes. I took a deep breath and wiped them quickly before looking at his gravestone.

Benjamin Stryder
1965 – 2003.
A loving husband, father, friend.
Love Never Fails.

Even now, the last words seemed to be mocking me. I took another deep breath, thinking of how many times I had found myself in this same exact spot, reading those exact same words. But it wasn’t until today that I realized I didn’t know what they meant. Love never fails. They held no meaning to me anymore. Everything had failed.

“It’s not fair,” I said quietly. “You’re supposed to be here for me right now. I need you. I don’t know what to do. I mean I love Devin. I really do, and I know you would too. But a part of me will always need Joe. He knows me better than anyone, even now. But it’s too late, you know? Too much has happened. And sometimes, I wish I could change what happened, why I had to leave, but then, I remember without it, I would never have Devin. I don’t know what to do. I’m just so confused. And I’m so sad all the time. But I shouldn’t be. I mean, my life is going great dad. I should be the happiest girl alive, but I’m not. I miss you too much. I miss how everything used to be. I miss me. And I just – I don’t see how it’s fair that you had to die. You were the best man I knew. The drug dealers and the gang members, they could all still roam this earth and make it more of a vile place, but you, you who helped everyone, and were so good, you had to go. I don’t care what everyone told me. If God needed you with him so badly, he could have waited. He should have seen that we needed you more. I need you more.”

I was crying again, not able to stop now. I laid down, crying freely on my father’s grave. I was so confused, and so hurt. I didn’t know what to do, or even what I wanted. All I knew was that I needed my father and I needed Joe.