We Made Our Way Dreaming

When I woke up, I didn’t know where I was at first. Last thing I remembered, I was crying by my father’s grave. I knew I must have fallen asleep as I had so many times before. But I wasn’t surrounded by the graveyard anymore. No, as my disorientation passed, I realized that I was in another place, a slightly more familiar place. I hugged the warm blanket closer to me as I looked around Joe’s room. I saw him sleeping in my computer chair, his head hanging over the side.

I sighed. After my father had died, I had spent so much time by his grave that I fell asleep there many nights. And every time I would wake up in this room. But this was the first time that Joe wasn’t sleeping beside me. I felt even more alone at this than I had at the grave. I did need him. It killed me to even admit that. I thought I had pushed all of that out of my mind. After all, I had left him. I had been the one to walk away. And now I was trying to look for him, look to him.

I sighed and got out of his bed, grabbing a blanket and throwing it around him. He jolted away, looking around hurriedly. He relaxed when he saw me standing there. “Oh hey,” he said, rubbing his eyes as he yawned. “What time is it?”

“9,” I told him. “Joe, you didn’t have to do that.” My voice was low.

He smiled and shrugged. “Yeah I did. I couldn’t leave you out there. It started raining.”

“Oh,” I said, feeling even more grateful. I sighed. “How’d you know I’d be there?”

He rolled his eyes. “Mel, I think I know you pretty well even after a few years. I mean I’ve known you for most of my life.”

I sighed. “Joe--,” I started.

But he put his hand up to stop me. “Look don’t think twice about it, okay? That wasn’t some attempt to get into your pants again clearly,” he smirked, indicating the chair he had been sleeping in.

I laughed. “Oh God, you didn’t have to sleep here. You could have taken the bed.”

“And put you where?” he rolled his eyes again.

“The couch, my house, the chair,” I listed the possibilities.

He shrugged. “It wasn’t really a big deal Melody.”

I knew it wasn’t. He had done it so many times for me before. He had carried me here from the graveyard, gentle enough to not wake me, and put me in his bed. I had woken up here too many times to even count anymore. So why was it a big deal now? Because I had needed him and he had shown up. I had been begging for him in my mind and my heart and he had obliged unknowingly. I had left him alone with no explanation and he had still been there for me. I wanted to scream at him. It was a big deal. It was to me. But when I opened my mouth, I was interrupted by a phone call, a phone call that made my heart drop. What was wrong with me? What the hell was I doing? I took a deep breath as I put the phone to my ear.

“Hey Dev,” I said, not meeting Joe’s eyes. But I heard him groan.

“Hey love,” Devin said. “How is everything? I haven’t heard from you in a few days. I was starting to worry.”

“I’m okay,” I assured him. “I’ve just been really busy.”

“And hidden,” he said. “You haven’t been in any newspapers or magazines or Perez Hilton.”

“Devin Conrad I am shocked,” I said. “Have you been media stalking me?”

“I wouldn’t call it stalking,” he laughed. “It’s more of a making sure my fiancé is still alive kind of thing.”

“Okay well that’s okay then,” I laughed as well. But then I looked at Joe who was watching me, a hurt look on his face. I sighed. “Hey Dev, let me call you back, okay?”

“Promise?” he said.

“Cross my heart,” I said. “Bye.”

I hung up and sighed. Joe was standing in front of me before I even know what was happening. He was close, his breath on my face. “Did you have a nice chat?” he asked quietly. His voice was dripping with hidden pain.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

He smiled. “Do you ever wonder what our lives would be like if I had followed you, or if you had never left at all?”

“Boring?” I asked, sighing. “I honestly don’t know what would have happened Joe. Why, do you?”

He laughed. “Every now and then,” he said, “I think that we’d be married by now, no kids yet, but we’d be happy, and we’d be tearing the world up together. And you wouldn’t be off to call your fiancé and I wouldn’t be getting ready to go on a date.”

“Y-you have a date?” I asked, not really sure why this bothered me. After all, if he found someone, he could move on, and he’d give me a divorce, and we could both just live our lives. But Joe dating someone else kind of just made my skin crawl. I knew it was unfair when I was engaged to someone else, but I had never pictured Joe with anyone else.

“Yeah I’m taking this girl to the fair tonight,” he shrugged, moving back. “It’s back in town.”

The fair? That had always been ourplace. Sure, it was a little childish but that’s who we were and he was taking someone else there? “Oh um, have fun,” I said, taking a step back. “Well I should go.”

“You know,” he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me back to him, his face close to mine again. “You could just admit you still want to be with me and we could go together.”

I froze. “Joe, I have a fiancé,” I reminded him.

He shrugged slightly. “Minor details.” He leaned in and his lips met mine lightly for a second before he moved away. He smirked at my rigid stance before he left me alone in his room.

I could still feel him on my lips. And I hated that.

---

I couldn’t believe Joe had a date tonight. I mean, I could believe it, he was smooth when he wanted to be, and he was basically gorgeous. But I knew he was just trying to make me jealous. I didn’t know what pissed me off more, the fact that he would go to such limits to tick me off or the fact that it was working. Why the hell was it working? I shouldn’t be jealous that Joe had a measly date. I mean I was happy with Devin. I loved him. And I had no right to think of Joe as mine. I mean it was unfair to him to think he could never be with anyone while I lived my own life. But it still pissed me off.

I sighed and absentmindedly strummed my guitar. I like the tune that was coming out of it so I decided to try a song I had been working on.

This is wrong but
I can’t but feel like
There ain’t nothing more right babe
Misty morning comes again and I can’t
Help but wish I could see your face

And I knew from the first note played I'd be breaking all my rules to see you
You smile that beautiful smile
And all the girls in the front row scream your name

So dim that spotlight, tell me things like
I can't take my eyes off of you
I'm no one special, just another wide-eyed girl
Who's desperately in love with you
Give me a photograph to hang on my wall
Superstar

Good morning loneliness
Comes around when I'm not dreaming about you
When my world wakes up today you'll be in another town
And I knew when I saw your face I'd be
Counting down the ways to see you
And you smile that beautiful smile
And all the girls in the front row scream your name,” I finished all I had written so far.

I sighed and placed my hand over the strings. What the hell was wrong with me? I knew that song was about Joe. Devin was an actor, not a singer. I tried to tell myself this was from feelings I had before I left, but I didn’t know how much of that was true.

There was a faint knock on my door. “New song?” Nick asked, stepping inside.

“Yeah,” I shifted uncomfortably. “What did you think?”

“I liked it,” he smiled, sitting down next to me on my bed.

“Thanks,” I said, putting the guitar down. “So um – what’s up?”

“Nothing, just came to see how you were doing,” he said.

“”Oh um that’s nice,” I said, reaching up to put my hair in a ponytail.

He grabbed my hand and stopped me, smiling gently. “Leave it down. I think it looks better down.”

I sighed. “Nick, please don’t okay?”

“What?” he questioned.

“I really can’t deal with this again,” I said quietly.

“Melody, I’m not trying to hurt you,” he said, his voice just as low.

“It’s too late for that,” I looked away.

“Mel, please, come on,” he said pleadingly. I didn’t respond and he sighed. “I came to see you,” he said quietly.

I looked at him, surprised. “When?”

“A month after you left,” he smiled slightly. “I wanted to tell you to come back.”

Nick had followed me? “Why didn’t you?”

He sighed, and shook his head. “I couldn’t get the balls to do it,” he admitted. “I wanted so badly to see you, and convince you to come back with me, but when I was there, I couldn’t.” I looked at my hands, not sure what to say. “Would you have come?” His tone was low.

I sighed. “Honestly Nick? I don’t know.” I didn’t know much of anything these days.

He nodded and looked ahead of him. “Joe’s on a date tonight,” he said.

“Yeah I know, he told me,” I said, cringing.

“He’s doing it to get you jealous,” he said simply.

“He told you that?” I asked, surprised. My impression was that Joe didn’t tell much of anything to anyone these days.

“He’s my brother,” he smiled painfully. I cringed at this memory. “I can tell.”

I sighed. “I know he is.”

“Is it working?” he asked.

“Look I can’t do this, okay?” I begged. I couldn’t. I couldn’t talk to Nick about this, about Joe. I felt dirty, disgusting, low. I felt like I needed to run again.

He sighed. “Okay, I guess I can understand that.” He stood up to go. “Think you can ever forgive me?”

I shrugged. “I’m working on it,” I promised.

He smiled slightly. “I guess that’s all I can ask,” he said before kissing my forehead and leaving.

I wiped away the spot he had kissed me. Once again, I felt tainted. And I felt like shit.