Forgive and Forget: A Billie Joe Story

I bite my lip. He watches me for a few seconds before his eyes turn fear stricken.

"You can't promise me that, can you," he asks quietly, almost in a whisper. I take a deep, shaky breath.

"I can't promise things I don't know if I can keep," I whisper.

"How much have you been thinking about suicide, Ellie?" Tears come to my eyes again.

"A lot." There's a knock at the door and Tysen is standing there with Billie behind him.

"Hey, Rob," Ty says, walking in. "How're you doing?" Robbie glances at me.

"Been better." Billie stays standing at the doorframe. Robbie tries to smile kindly. "Billie, come in, I'm not gonna attack you or something." Billie sighs and pushes himself from the metal. He walks in and stands behind my chair. A chill runs up my back and I stand up.

"I'll be right back," I murmur, walking to the door.

"Where are you going," Robbie asks, actually sounding scared. I don't turn to look at him.

"I'm gonna get a coffee." I walk out and go to the lobby where there is a coffee stand. I buy a chocolate espresso and head back to the room. I stop right outside the door and lean against the wall. Robbie is talking about something.

"It scared the fuck out of me," he says shakily. "The look in her eyes told me she's been thinking hard about it."

"She wouldn't do that," Billie starts saying.

"Yes she would," Tysen says. "You should know that more than anything else, Billie. You're the reason she would do it."

"I know, I..." He pauses and takes a deep breath. "I know."

"I tried not to let it get to me, but now it's getting out of hand," Robbie says.

"When we go back, do you want me to try to find her notebook," Tysen asks.

"What notebook," Billie inquires. I tense up. I know exactly what they're talking about.

"A few weeks after she moved in with us," Robbie begins, "she wrote in a notebook a lot. I thought it was a diary, so I didn't say anything about it. One night, when she fell asleep with her TV on, I walked in to turn it off. The notebook was laying on her stomach like she was reading it. I picked it up to put it on her desk, but then I saw what it said." He takes a deep breath, not liking the memory of finding that notebook. "It was all about her plans for killing herself. Any way she could do it that she has the ability to do." It's silent for a few seconds.

"I wouldn't be surprised if she's been writing in it again," Tysen mutters.

"The dates were all written and she started it the day after she moved in. Some of it was arguments she had with herself."

"Arguments about what," Billie asks.

"Her one side, she called it Gloria, argued that she missed you. Her other side, Christian, hated you and was happy you were gone."

"She used the characters I used in an album?"

"Luckily, that stopped after Robbie talked to her about it," Tysen says. Sipping my coffee every few seconds, I listen to them talk about me. When I finish it, I turn around and run out of the hospital. I run and run until I get back home. I sprint in (the door was left unlocked) and go up to my room. I pull my closet door open and dig through everything. I find what I'm looking for.

The beautiful notebook.

The cover has a line down the middle. One side is blue and serene with Gloria written in purple while the other side has drawn flames and Christian is written in red. I walk over to my desk and find a pen, then sit on my bed. Opening it to a blank page, I write the date at the top and begin to scribble Christian's arguments.