Forgive and Forget: A Billie Joe Story

"What," Robbie exclaims, eyes wide. "Did you look everywhere?!"

"Yes," I say, feeling my heart racing. Someone clears their throat behind me, causing me to jump at the sudden noise. I move aside so the doctor can walk past me.

"Mr. Rizzolino, how are you feeling," he asks, looking down at his folder.

"Do you want us to go find her," Billie asks, looking just as scared as Robbie was.

"Can I please leave," Robbie asks the doctor. "I'm having a family emergency."

"I'm sorry, you can not," the doctor tells him. "You need to stay overnight so we can make sure nothing else will happen."

"Please! My daughter-"

"We'll find her, Rob," I convince him. "We'll bring her back here." He stares at me for a few seconds.

"You need to find her, Tysen. Before she does something really stupid." I nod and run out of the room with Billie following.

"Where are we gonna check first," he asks as we run out into the parking lot.

"The house," I say, opening my car door. I get in and unlock the passenger side. Billie slides in and we speed out of the lot's exit.

"What if she did do something stupid? I mean, what if we're too late-"

"She's fine," I say, cutting him off. I realize I'm trying to convince myself of that more than Billie.

"I should've never bothered with coming back," he murmurs, gazing out the window. I sigh, feeling my temper start to rise.

"You're right." I glance over at him. "I'm not gonna lie, you seriously fucked her up so much it's not even believable. She was fine until now-" Now it's Billie's turn to interrupt me.

"No she wasn't, Tysen," he says, sounding annoyed. "She was never fine, she got so used to living in fear and pain, and it's my fault that everything happened. She keeps saying it's her fault when it's not. She thinks if she told someone about it before it got worse, everything would have been fine. She would still be living with me and nothing would be different from before the divorce." I speed down the highway, going 80 in a 65. Billie doesn't seem like he cares.

"Billie," I say, "she knows it was your fault. Somewhere in her head, she's fighting a battle against herself. One day, she's gonna lose. She's gonna snap and never come back, but she's the one that let herself get that way, all right? It's not entirely your fault, she's been letting herself live in the past. Yeah, at one time she actually seemed like a completely normal girl, but we all know she's not. She is never going to be that normal girl we all wish she was. I learned to live with that. I'm gonna continue to learn to live with that, because no matter how many times I stay overnight with her and no matter how many times she wakes up screaming, I will always blame it on both of you. I had this same talk with Robbie once..." I trail off. Billie doesn't respond. I look over at him again and he's still staring out the window. After about a minute, he looks at me.

"What did he say," he asks. "What did Robbie say in that conversation?" I look at the road and turn on to Ellie's street.

"He said he's always going to see a broken girl when he looks at Ellie," I explain. "That night when she had the nightmare, I looked at him and watched him as Ellie told us about the dream. He was holding back tears the entire time." I pull into the driveway and cut the engine. "Don't come in with me," I say as I push my door open and sprint into the house. Billie stays outside like I told him to.

"Ellie," I call. "El, baby girl, are you in here?" I slowly creep up the stairs. I walk to the end of the hall and stand outside Ellie's closed bedroom door. The light inside is on. I softly push it open and walk in.

The room is empty.

"Ellie? Please, honey, answer me," I say desperately. I open her closet door.

Nothing.

"Billie," I call. The front door opens and he comes running in seconds later.

"She's not here," he asks. I shake my head.

"Where else would she go?" His eyes are blank until his head snaps up and his eyes are wide.

"The cemetery." We run out of the house and get back into my car. I quickly back out of the driveway.

"Why would she be there," I ask, taking a sharp turn. He takes a deep breath, causing me to look over. He returns my frantic gaze with his tear filled eyes.

"She went to see Adie's grave."