Forgive and Forget: A Billie Joe Story

I stare at Billie as he stares intently back. I don't know how to answer.

"W-what do you mean," I stutter. He takes a silent deep breath.

"What happened while you were here? What'd you do, who'd you talk to..." He trails off and clears his voice. "Ellie-" I cringe at him saying my name. He notices, but continues. "I want to get to know you again and be involved, but I know you don't want me to have anything to do with you anymore." I take slow, deep breaths.

"Is that so hard to believe? That after everything you did to me and put me through, I don't want you in my life?" Billie takes another deep breath.

"El, how many times do I have to tell you how sorry I am?"

"Maybe now you'll actually start meaning it, cos you sure as hell didn't mean it two years ago." I could feel the anger I have toward him plain on my face after holding it back since the first time he raped me.

"Ellie, you're the one that made the decision to meet again. Not me. You could have said no if you didn't want to see me again, but something must've told you it was the right thing to do." I stay silent. He continues. "All I want is to hear about everything, Ellie. Please, just give me that." I think it over for a few seconds.

"When I first got here, I didn't talk to Linda or Robbie that much. I started having nightmares and I would wake up screaming and crying. Linda would always come into my room and calm me down so I could get back to sleep."

"Why didn't Robbie," Billie asks, actually kind of intrigued in my story.

"He scared me," I admit. "He still does, to be honest. I mean, you saw him. He's so...," I can't think of the word.

"Built," Billie fills in for me.

"Yeah," I sigh. "He could do anything he wanted to me." He looks down.

"Go on with the rest," he says. I cough.

"Well, school started again. I was still having the nightmares, but I was in the high school so I was able to meet new people, considering I stopped talking to everyone halfway through my eighth grade year. I met Tysen, and we became best friends fast, and I met the rest of his friends. I got really close to Stephy and Caiti, who I was with at the park before I came home with Tysen. The nightmares stopped after about three months of being here. I started getting really good grades, and I still am. I gave up cutting and drinking around the same time after opening up to Linda and Robbie about everything. They helped me through a lot, I had so many crying spells, and I would go into depression for no reason. I think this is the best I've been in a really long time." Billie thinks about all of that for a few seconds.

"Tell me more about Tysen," he says. "Tell me how you guys started dating." A smile forms on my face.

"A little over seven months ago, he asked if I would go to the park with him. I agreed and we went. We talked and out of nowhere he kissed me. I really liked him so I was fine with it. He asked if I'd go out with him, and I said yes. We promised that we'd tell each other everything, so a couple weeks later I told him about you." Billie seems a little shocked, but doesn't say anything. "He felt really bad, and he promised that he'd do anything to make sure you never hurt me again."

"He really loves you," he states. I nod. He clears his voice. "Does Robbie know how scared you are of him?"

"Yeah," I answer, "so he knows to keep his distance. Every now and then, I'll sit really close to him on the couch and watch TV as a test. It gets easier every time."

"It's my fault, isn't it? That you're afraid of someone that's completely harmless?" I think about how to respond to that.

"You were my father," I tell him, watching his expression change when he catches my past tense. "I was never supposed to be afraid of you in any way, but I was and I still am."

"Yeah, because I fucked that up, too!" I swallow, feeling my muscles tense up.

"No, you didn't, Billie. I could have changed everything. I decided that no one had to know, but obviously I was wrong." He runs his hands through his black bedhead hair.

"But if I never did it..." I lean forward in my chair, partially glaring at him.

"Everything happens for a reason."

"Then tell me why I hurt you. Tell me why I'm struggling to hold back tears because I missed two years of your life because of me." I take more silent deep breaths.

"You would have to tell me that. Your actions, your reasons." He watches me for several seconds before leaning forward, also.

"If you were never taken from me, I wouldn't have realized how good my life was." I eyes lock into place as I stare him.

"W-what?"

"You heard me," he says. "I really think the last two years have been the lowest point in my whole life."