Forgive and Forget: A Billie Joe Story

His statement leaves me speechless. After a minute of silence, he clears his voice. He opens his mouth to say something, but I interrupt.

"I really don't like where this is going, Billie," I say. "Tell me about how everything was from the moment I left." His eyes turn regretful and his expression softens.

"I was a wreck," he says, looking down. "I never got used to not having you around. The guilt I felt..." He thinks of a way to describe it. "It was overwhelming. I turned to drinking to calm myself every time I thought about you. I had a lot of panic attacks for no reason, and I had to take sleeping pills almost every night for the first year, but I still need them every once in a while. Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't get addicted to them." He looks back up and holds my gaze. "Like you, I cried a lot. Sometimes I thought one day I wouldn't be able to stop, but Mike and Tre really helped me." He turns away and rubs his eyes.

"So what are we gonna do," I ask him.

"What do you mean?" He stares down at his hands.

"I can't move in with you already." His head snaps up to look at me.

"Why not?" I stare at him incredulously.

"Can I make a suggestion," Robbie asks, walking down the stairs to stand next to my chair.

"Of course," I say, looking up at him.

"What if you live with us for a couple weeks," he suggests, looking at Billie. He thinks about it as Robbie goes on. "That way, Ellie isn't completely alone with you, but she can try to get used to having you around again." He turns his head so he's staring down into my greenish blue eyes. "How would you feel about that, El?" I look down.

"I guess we could try that," I murmur. Robbie sighs.

"When can all of this happen," Billie asks, seeming a little more nervous than he was before.

"We're not gonna risk it if you don't think you can control yourself around her," Robbie says sternly with the slightest bit of acid in his tone.

"I will," Billie replies, then looks at me. "I've changed." My heart pounds in my throat. Robbie notices my sudden mood change, but ignores it for the moment.

"Then I guess you can go now and get anything you might need, then come back." Robbie glances wearily at me as Billie nods.

"All right," he says. then looks at me. "I'll be back a little later, El."

"Okay," I say in a soft murmur. He leaves and I let out a long breath. Robbie kneels down next to the chair and tilts my head in his direction with his index finger.

"I'm always gonna be around, okay? No matter what happens, I will never let him hurt you." I put my hand on his and push it away. I look down, but he takes my hand and gently squeezes it. "You need to trust me, Ellie-"

"I do," I tell him. He sighs.

"I heard you telling Billie you're afraid of me." I immediately tense up, and he softly moves his thumb repeatedly across the back of my hand. His usually strong yet sweet voice turns to one filled with sadness and determination. "I promised you I wouldn't hurt you like he had, didn't I?" I nod.

When I moved in, Robbie instantly noticed the cautious behaviour I had when I was around him. He promised me that he'd be the father I never had. So far, he's stayed faithful to that promise.

"But you talked to Susan," I whisper, referring to the psychologist I started seeing with Billie two years ago, but continue to go to twice a month. "She told you straight out that I will most likely never be able to trust you." He takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out.

"You can't even imagine how much I wish she never told me that." I swallow back a little unknown fear I had with Robbie being so close to me.

"I'm sure I can-," I start, but he interrupts.

"No, you can't," he whispers, barely audible. "I love you more than anything else in the world, Ellie. Like if you were my fully biological daughter. It hurt me so much to hear Susan tell me because of that bastard you will most likely never trust me." He glances down as he runs his free hand through his messy brown hair and then looks at me again. "I'd rather be oblivious than have my heart broken by that."