Where Are You Christmas

“I’m sorry Tori. I won’t be home for Christmas this year.”

“What? But… what about Danny, Keith? He’s so excited to see his father.”

“I know honey but… with a job like this… everything is unpredictable. You knew when I joined the army that things were never going to be the same.”

“I know. I know… I just didn’t know everything would change. You know it hasn’t snowed at all this year, right?”

“Yeah, you told me.”

“This is going to be the first Christmas Danny will remember. I just wanted it to be perfect… for him.”

“Baby I know. I wish I could come home. You know I do.”

“I know. I’ve got to go soon baby. I promised Danny we could decorate today.”

“Alright. Give him a hug and kiss for me. Tell him I love him… so much.”

“I will.”

“Tori, just don’t think about it, baby. I’ll be home before you know it.”

“Okay. I love you, Keith.”

“I love you too, Victoria.”

“Bye.”

&&My world is changing
I’m rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too?

That was two weeks ago. Since then the house had been decorated, the tree had been lit, the stockings were hung, and the presents were wrapped. Victoria and her son Daniel stood in the kitchen, bowls, bags of sugar and flour, spoons, pots, pans, cookie sheets, aprons, and recipe books among them. Danny stood on a chair, apron tied around his waist, spoon in hand, tongue sticking out of his mouth, waiting for instruction from his mother. Tori flipped through one of her mother’s old Christmas Cookie cookbooks trying to find the perfect and simplest cookie recipe to make with her son.

“Mommy, will Daddy get some of our cookies?”

“I think so. We’ll just have to make lots and lots. What do you think?”

“Yeah!” he cried, giving a wide smile so much like his fathers.

“Okay, how does making sugar cookies sound?”

“They’re my favorite!” he said, throwing his hands in the air, the spoon slipping from his fingers. Victoria laughed as she picked it up.

“You’re going to have to be careful when cooking with Mommy, okay?” she said as she rinsed the spoon off in the sink before handing it back to him.

“Sorry Mommy.”

“It’s alright, Danny. Can you very carefully get the carton of eggs from the fridge?” she asked and he nodded his head. “Use your stool from the small bathroom.

Danny scrambled down from the chair he had been standing on and made his way to the small bathroom adjacent to the kitchen. Victoria heard him scuffling around as he pushed his stool out across the linoleum floor onto the tile of the kitchen. His brown hair fell into his face with its look of concentration as he pushed the stool across the floor. Victoria couldn’t help but laugh at her son’s determination, another trait he had inherited from his father.

“Which eggs do you want Mommy?”

“It doesn’t matter honey.” She said with a laugh. Danny took two of the small white eggs out of the carton and carried them ever so carefully to Victoria. “Thank you.”

“Welcome,” he said, beaming up at her. “What are you gonna do with the eggs?”

“I’m going to crack them open and mix them with the flour and sugar and butter to make our cookies.”

“What can I do, now?”

“Can you get the cookie cutters out of the bottom cabinet, please?”

“Yupperoonie!” he said, using his father’s favorite word.

“Silly boy, that’s Daddy’s word.”

“I know but a’cuz he isn’t here there’s nobody to say it so I’m gonna say it.”

“Daddy will be happy to hear that.” She said as she mixed the dough.

“When is Daddy coming home?” Danny asked as he picked through the box of cookie cutters, laying them all on the table.

“I don’t know sweetie.”

“Will he be home for Christmas?” he asked, looking up at her under his long lashes. His blue eyes sparkled with hope.

“I don’t think so.” She said, feeling her heart break as his face fell.

“Oh…” he said, sitting down and swinging his legs back and forth. “Mommy?”

“What, baby?” she asked, kneeling on the floor in front of him.

“Is Daddy going to die?” he whispered.

“No! Of course not. What makes you say that?”

“Jimmy’s uncle was in the army too just like Daddy and Jimmy told me he died and they had a funnel for him.”

“A funeral. And what happened to Jimmy’s uncle happens to a lot of people in the army but I promise it won’t happen to your Daddy.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Daddy even promised me that he’d be safe. Now come on… go pick out one of the Christmas CDs so we can make happy cookies.”

“Okay.” He said, jumping down from the chair and running into the living room.

Victoria stood up and smoothed her apron down, turning to look out the kitchen window. The backyard was a barren land, all the grass brown, flowers dead, and trees naked of leaves. The ground was completely frozen and the whipping winds were ice cold but still it somehow wasn’t cold enough to snow. It was unusual for the northern New York area to be void of snow. Especially with it being so late in December. Christmas was in two days and Victoria at least needed it to snow, for Danny.

&&Where are you Christmas?
Why can’t I find you?
Why have you gone away?

Christmas Eve morning and not a single snowflake had fallen on the ground. Victoria climbed out of bed with a sigh, glancing at the empty space meant for Keith. She was used to sleeping alone. As an army wife it had to become routine. As she walked down the hallway she poked her head in Danny’s room where he was still sound asleep. Once downstairs she started the coffee pot and glanced at the phone. No messages. Once in awhile Keith would leave a message in the middle of the night depending on where he was. Standing by the tree Victoria knew that Danny wasn’t going to be able to enjoy Christmas as much as she hoped. She wouldn’t either. They both wanted Keith there. There was no denying that.

Later that evening Victoria stood in the kitchen preparing dinner for both her and Keith’s parents. Danny was in the living room watching one of the Christmas specials on television when the doorbell rang. Victoria wiped her hands on a towel as she walked to the entry, opening the door revealing her in-laws.

“Hi Mom, Dad,” she said, hugging them as they entered.

“Gramma, Grampa!” Danny cried, running into the room. Jack picked his grandson up as his wife and Victoria hung up the coats. “Is Daddy with you?”

“No, son, he’s not. But don’t you worry; you’ll see him before you know it.”

“That’s what Mommy always says.” Danny said, his voice fading as Jack carried him back into the living room.

“How are you doing, Tori?” Elaine asked as she walked with her daughter-in-law into the kitchen.

“As well as can be expected. This is our first Christmas without Keith and it’s taking its toll on both of us.” She said with a sigh, checking on the roast.

“I understand… it was the same way with Jack when we first got married. The Vietnam War was going on and a month after we got married he had to leave. He was gone for six months.”

“That’s… terrible. I can’t imagine having Keith being gone for that long. I feel so selfish now.”

“Oh honey, don’t be. It’s normal.” She said as the doorbell rang again.

“I’ll get it!” Jack called from the living room.

“Mim! Poppa!” Danny cried and Victoria heard him running.

She smiled as she walked from the kitchen to see her parents. She hugged them both before ushering them into the living room. Elaine came out with a tray of drinks and appetizers as they sat on the couches.

“How’s my baby girl doing?” David asked Victoria, wrapping an arm around his wife’s shoulders.

“I’m fine, Daddy. Danny has been keeping me busy.”

“We baked cookies yesterday!” Danny said, climbing onto his grandmother’s lap.

“I thought I smelled something amazing.” Suzanne said, kissing his cheek.

“Mommy’s a good cookie maker.”

“I have a good helper.” Victoria said, smiling at her son.

“Mommy, look it’s snowing outside!” he cried, pointing over Victoria’s shoulder.

She turned her head to see the white flakes drifting down outside. Smiling she stood from the couch and walked to the kitchen, sliding open the glass door and walking onto the deck that Keith had built their first summer in the house. She crossed her arms over her chest, trying to warm herself as she watched the beauty around her. Soft footsteps fell and Victoria assumed it was the rest of her family joining her until a strong pair of arms wrapped around her waist.

“I saved the snow for you.” a deep voice whispered in her ear, the warm breath sending shivers down her spine.

“Oh my God,” she whispered, a tear dripping down her cheek. She turned in the embrace to face her husband. “Keith! How…”

“I wanted to surprise you. I found out last week that I would be able to come home. Only my parents knew.” He whispered, placing kisses all over her face. “God, I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding him tight. Danny came running outside with his coat and boots on, wrapping his small arms around their legs.

“Daddy, you’re the bestest Christmas present I ever gotted!” he said. Victoria and Keith pulled apart and Keith picked Danny up. Victoria slid her arm around Keith’s waist and smiled at her parents and in-laws as they joined them to watch the snowfall.

“I think this is a good first Christmas for him to remember, don’t you?” Keith whispered in her ear.

“I couldn’t think of anything better.” She whispered back, giving him a kiss.

&&I feel you Christmas
I know I’ve found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love