Straighten Your Ties / Book 1

And isn't this exactly where you'd like me?
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety
-Panic at the Disco – But It’s Better If You Do

“Things have changed for me, and that’s OK, I feel –”
“Hello?”
“Hello.”
“You called me back. I’m impressed.”
“Well your message told me you’d tell me everything and answer everything.”
“I realize that. Kinda regret it too.”
“Uh huh.”
“The questions better not get stupider.”
“Oh, so now my questions are stupid, Derrick?”
Sigh. “No. I’m just being stupid. Fucking lack of internet is getting me into a depression here.”
“Sensitive about your technology, huh?”
“Well, it’s like a drug, Sass.”
“Weirdo.”
“I already admitted that I’m weird long ago. No need to remind me. Are you going to ask me about Jen, or not?”
“Since you’re so crazy about her, talking about your computer more than her.”
“I don’t think you get it. I’m daydreaming about her constantly. I have butterflies in my stomach by just thinking about her. And that’s constantly.”
“So you really really really really really really really really like her?”
Grunt. “Yes. And I’ve talked to her on webcam and online. Pathetic.”
“Awwwww…”
“Really. Ever since I got back to school, I can’t concentrate. I think I love her. And I know that sounds so stupid. That’s just the way I think. And stuff.”
“Well, I think that’s really sweet.”
“Yeah. I’d bet.”
“So what would you do for her?”
“You mean to get her?”
“Mhmm…”
“Oh god… You don’t know… I’d run up the hill for her everyday. Just to see her.”
“Why don’t you?”
“I don’t know.”
“You know those days when you end at 2:45?”
“Mhmm…”
“Well, you should just go up the hill to the Scholar.”
“Do people actually do that?”
“Yes, but you’re not supposed to be asking questions here.”
“Riiightttttt. Sorry.”
“You better be. Now how much do you like her?”
“You just –”
“Answer.”
“Well, how am I supposed to answer? Like say this much! Or just this much.”
“I mean on like a scale from one to ten.”
“Ummm… I’m being modest here, but eight. And that’s the most I’ve liked someone. I cannot get her off my mind at all. I’ve never felt this way before, honestly.” Well, maybe I have. Guh… Don’t think about that.
“Not even about me.”
“Oh you know I love you either way. I missed our conversations a lot while I was away.”
“More than Jen’s?”
“Nah. I can’t argue against that.”
“Sooo… If you could sing one song to her, what would it be?”
“Oh, you’ve realized my talent?”
“Oh deffs.”
“Lately, anything off of Pretty. Odd. has been reminding me of her. I mean really, that’s all I’ve been listening to when I get the chance. But I can’t sing it… and this album is growing on me. A lot.”
“Off-topic…”
“I’m oh so sorry.”
“Ok, so one song…”
“I don’t sing.”
“I get that. Pick a song.”
“Northern Downpour?”
“Is that what’s on in the background?”
“Yep.”
“Thought so.”
“You want to get back on topic, don’t you?”
“Well, of course!”
“Get on with it then.”
“So you can’t stop talking about her?”
“Nah, can’t. I’m always either talking to you or Steve about her.”
“Oh, so Steve knows?”
“Told him before you. Though you figured it out way too fast.”
“Is Steve like a good friend of yours?”
“Best online friend. We don’t exactly hang out much at school.”
“Oh. Well what if I was to say that Jen and Steve hooked up several times?”
“Huh? –”
“What would you say to that?”
“Uh… What are you saying?”
“I’m saying, would you be mad about it if they did?”
“Hell, I dunno.”
“You don’t believe me?”
“I think you’re just trying to weird me out.”
“Perhaps you’re right.”
“Moving on…”
“Mhmm… Umm…”
“…
“Tick tock…”
“Hang on… I’m thinking…”
“You’re just going to end up asking –”
“So if you were to describe Jen in one word, what would it be?”
“Proved me wrong… ummm… I… uh… I have no idea. Really. Clueless. I can’t just describe her like that somehow. I just…”
“Answer.”
“Ummm… Well she laughs a lot. I don’t know how I’d condense that into one word. I’m bad with that.”
“Uh huh… You’re bad at this.”
“Well, you’re asking the wrong questions –”
“I think Jennifer is a very sexual person.”
“Ummm… OK?”
“You want a serious relationship, right?”
“I suppose.”
“So would you have sex with Jen?”
“Errr. Not at this moment.”
“Why not?”
“I’ve never seen the point of having sex this young. And why are you –”
“If Jen offered you head, would you accept it?”
“Uhh… What the hell?”
“Would you?”
“I have no idea how I got into this conversation.”
“Well?”
“Err…”
“You said you’d answer all my questions.”
“Fine. Probably. It depends. I don’t think of her that way.”
“Do you masturbate to Jen?”
“What the –”
“Hmmm?”
“I don’t think about her in that context.”
“Do you even masturbate?”
“Uhhh…”
“Don’t wish to answer that?”
“No, I’ll answer –”
“Well then?”
“Umm… What do you think?”
Sigh.
“You doubt me too often…”
“Perhaps.”
“Why are you talk – ”
“Would you eat Jennifer out?”
“Oh c’mon now…”
“No. I wanna know.”
“Do you get off on this?”
“Not particularly.”
“Well, I’m going to doubt that answer just to spite you.”
“Fine. Don’t believe me, Der.”
“I won’t. Sass –”
“Answer my question though.”
“I guess.”
“Mhmm.”
“I’m sure you’re writing this down.”
“No.”
“Yes, that’s why you pause a lot.”
“I’m just thinking of questions.”
“Or you’re on iChat right now with Jen, and I’m on speaker, and she can hear everything. I’m advising you that that’s not a very friend-like thing to do.”
“I’m not.”
“Then you’re somehow keeping track of this and you’re going to tell Jen all about it tomorrow.”
“No. This isn’t like Mean Girls.”
“Mhmm… I doubt that. Anymore questions?”
“Yes… give me a second.”
“Now you’re consulting her, eh?”
“NO.”
“OK… I’ll believe you this time.”
“Sooo… would you go streaking with Jen?”
“Uh… no. I’d tell her she could go do that herself. Then I’d pay her bail.”
“You’d pay her bail?”
“Yep.”
“Oh, so you can pay her bail for streaking, but you can’t pay for your own copy of Looking for Alaska?”
“I’m broke.”
“So you wouldn’t be able to?”
“Not right now.”
“But later on?”
“Yes.”
“Alright… Would you take drugs with Jen?”
“Errr… No. I’m not the type.”
“Alcohol? Get drunk?”
“No. I’ve decided against drinking in my lifetime.”
“What if you just took ‘e’ with her once?”
“You see, that’d be my preferred drug if I had to take one.”
“So in that case?”
“Probably not, still.”
“What if it made her REALLY happy?”
“I’d decide to not take drugs. If I really had to, I’d drink, but I hate the smell of beer and wine. Blech.”
“Would you eat ice cream out of Jen’s vagina?”
“What… wait… WHAT?”
“ Would you. Eat. Ice. Cream. Out of her vagina?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“I think it’s a fair question.”
“I think you’re being ridiculous.”
“I’m not. It’s fair. Any question you said.”
“Well, no. I wouldn’t. That’s just messed up. This is stuff a guy would jokingly ask. Who am I talking to again? My friend who goes to the Scholar or Seguin?”
“No. You like it.”
“NO. I doubt any porn producer would even play out that sick fantasy of yours.”
“Well…”
“Don’t tell me you searched this up…”
“Yeah, well 4girlsfingerpaint is the closest thing to something like that.”
“How should you know?”
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t watch them. You just make your friends watch them. Sicko.”
“Rah.”
“Oh stop that.”
“But you really do like her?”
“I think.”
“How so?”
“Butterflies, constantly. It’s been going non-stop for a week now. It’s weird. You just mention her name and I go nuts… oh… I am so retarded.”
“No… Don’t say that.”
“But I am. I mean, even if I have never felt about a girl like this before. It just seems… I dunno. Like I shouldn’t, but I truly do like her.”
“Exceedingly?”
“Exceedingly. Immensely.”
“Well, I think you should write a very long love letter to Jen, confessing your undying love for her.”
“I’m not exactly considering that now.”
“Well, I think you should.”
“Be serious.”
“I am.”
“I’ll talk to you about this later. I know you’re not.”
“Really!”
“Yeah yeah.”
Sigh. “Well, I would see you two as a very cute couple.”
“A very unlikely one at that.”
“Positive thinking?”
“She’s out of my league.”
“That’s negative.”
“I realize that.”
“Well, don’t say that.”
“OK, fine. If you think I shouldn’t. I won’t.”
“Good. Now, what exactly would you do if she were to become your girlfriend?”
“I’m not good with those kinds of things.”
“Well what about your previous girlfriends?”
“I don’t talk about Becca. I’m way past her. Not talking. Not.”
“Yes, you will.”
“Regrettably, I will, but it’s only because I’m such a good friend.”
“Well, what did you do with her?”
“I was never really good at those kinds of things. It was whatever she wanted to do. If she wanted to head to Bilboquet, we ate sorbet there. If she wanted to hang at her place, which I regret doing a million times over, because I hated her father, we did so. I screwed that one up. And I don’t want to do that if this ever happens. Really. I don’t want to fuck my chances.”
“So you were just her boy-toy essentially?”
“More or less.”
“Dragged you all over. Not giving a damn?”
“Yes, but I liked her. Past tense.”
“I see.”
“No, you can’t. You’re at least 20 blocks away from me. Maybe less. Still…”
“Stop kidding around here.”
“Trying not to.”
“So tell me more about Jen.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know…”
“No, I don’t know what you mean…”
“You still like her?”
“You asked me this five minutes ago.”
“So? I forgot if you did or not.”
Heavy sigh. “Yes.”
“Mhmmm.”
“What are you going to ask next? Would you eat celery out of her vagina?”
Muffled laughing. “C-c-celery?”
“That’s the only thing that came to mind.”
“Celery has negative calories.”
“Like I’d care… Actually, one of my friends told me that. You can’t exactly live on it by itself. No energy, I guess.”
“I think you should tell her.”
“And how am I supposed to go about doing that?”
“Several ways.”
“Hello? I barely know the girl. I can’t just tell her…”
“Oh, like you haven’t done it a million times before!”
“It was different with you. I don’t know what came over me exactly. That excuse has been used before. But it’s true. It’s like I just suddenly wanted to date you. And you know that’s not the plan in my mind right now.”
“Right now?”
“Oh please…”
“Well, what do you mean by that?”
“Things change. I’m not sure they will now, but you never know.”
“Clever.”
“Straight-A thinking right there.”
Sigh.
Heavier sigh.
“You know, Sascha, I like having these, no matter how weird they are.”
“As do I.”