Straighten Your Ties / Book 1

'Cause I want it now
I want it now
Give me your heart and your soul
And I'm breaking out
I'm breaking out
Last chance to lose control
-Muse – Hysteria

The halfway point of the year edged closer and closer. It was Christmas time, which was my favorite time of the year, even though you could consider me Jewish because I was around so many Jews at Seguin (for the last time, ask anyone, it’s true). I thought that it must have sucked to be Jewish. I mean you don’t get a break during your own holiday. Like c’mon! That just sucks to the max. No one wants to go to school when you’re getting presents every night. I myself was atheist while my family was protestant. We didn’t exactly follow any religion, but my mother somehow tried to be god loving at every chance you could bring up using Jesus’ name in vain or whatnot. But really, she hadn’t set foot in a church in years, and it was merely my grandmother’s beliefs rubbing off on her slightly. So most of my family did believe in a god, while I didn’t, and my brother just gave no comment on the subject, always wanting to be neutral on all accounts. He hadn’t even voted in the last provincial or national election. Truthfully, no party was perfect, but I just sided with the one that was unlike the States’ Republican party. They disgusted me to a very far end.

I didn’t celebrate Christmas as the birthday of Jesus, though. I didn’t exactly think Jesus existed. I instead believed that Christmas was a time of giving and being with family. It brought out the best in everyone, as long as they didn’t chug too much eggnog. I had my atheistic idea of Christmas, which was actually unoriginal and all, but I still liked it compared to praising some baby I never knew but somehow saved us.

Even though this time of year brought out the best in me usually, I was a wreck. Two things: one, April, two, overworkage. The damn institution wanted to crush you at holiday time. There were some big projects that had to be finished, and I wasn’t so keen on working on them. I preferred to search the gaming websites and look at their wish lists they had made, wondering if I could buy my brother anything or at least add something to my list. I think my big gift that I wanted that year was nothing, to be honest. It was just a bunch of games for my Xbox and Wii, which I had successfully gotten on launch day, but has been gathering a lot of dust due to the sheer lack of good games. I hadn’t asked for anything big at all. That may have been because our family was discussing a trip to Hawaii in June, which seemed so far away at this point. I didn’t like it being so far away. I wanted school to be over. OVER.

April was becoming easier to avoid, but the butterflies weren’t. They made me wait until she was about to leave the school, and hold the door open for her as she exited the door that had knocked me to the courtyard floor back in November. I actually held the door for her and gave in. I gave in to all the things I had been avoiding. I said bye. I said have a good night. She didn’t seem to think anything of it, and yet, it was all relevant to me. She wouldn’t notice me. What was I saying? I didn’t want her to. I didn’t want to see her. Yet it’s this whole gravitational complex that embellished me to drift towards her, edging closer and closer every chance I could. I hated it. You never can control emotions like that. You can’t stop liking someone. It’s either a matter of time, or something triggers the alarm, and you’re sent reeling. I hadn’t found any laser trip wires to set off. Besides, I think my mind would just reset the alarm code before the authorities could show up. So I instead let myself be dragged by emotions, only able to avoid her by talking to Greg in homeroom. Wonderwords started getting boring, and the sudokus just got way too hard. I gave up when I realized that I could barely solve half the puzzle before homeroom ended. Talking to Greg was the alternative, and it seemed less suspicious. Which was what I wanted to be, but apparently was only allowed to do so in the first ten minutes of school. Otherwise, I found myself running around with my head cut off. I was a decapitated chicken in more ways than one.

It was the last week of school before the break, with Friday being a half day to end the 2006 year of school. All wrapped up in a little package. Nice and neat and all. I liked it that way. Neat and proper and just right. Unlike this infatuation, which I couldn’t seem to get off my mind while finishing up my French essay, or any other piece of work. April’s voice whispered to me, and I couldn’t push it out of my head. My typing became frantic and my breathing heavy. I cracked my fingers, clinching them together to my chest. I let my face fall flat onto my keyboard, sending a wave of beeps to the laptop. I could care less. I was having a breakdown. I feared to look up to see her face on my desktop or something. I didn’t want such a thing. I never wanted to go to school again. But I wanted her. I wanted an older woman. I wanted a teacher. I was thirteen, soon to be fourteen. What was I thinking? My mind had fucked up scattered thoughts about what I should do.

One thought was to let this all pass. I could tell that time wasn’t on my side tonight or tomorrow or next month or ever. Time didn’t like me. That was out. I had already been waiting for it to pass anyhow. I didn’t want this. But time wasn’t healing anything. Time didn’t feel like listening.
Another thought was to switch schools. Drastic, and probably unrealistic, seeing as I would be going to either St. Gregory’s or Lancaster, both of which didn’t seem very much enticing. Gregory’s was just unappealing and stupid. I didn’t want to go to some place that was sub-par. Lancaster was jock school. I wouldn’t fit in. While I would make new friends, hopefully, I would only drift from the Westmount crowd I dreadfully wanted to be accepted in. I liked Seguin. Hated it, but liked it. It was a good school where I had made myself known. I just didn’t want to be known for being in love with some teacher. So avoiding her may have been another option, but I saw how well that worked.

My last option was to give into the temptation. A huge decision that looked like a mistake if performed, that I didn’t feel up to making just yet. I imagined how awkward it would be. It would be fucked up and stupid. No one wants to go up to his or her crush, be it an older woman, or someone your age and just outright tell them everything you liked about them and how you so wanted to do them… Well, it happens.

I kept my head on the keyboard contemplating these options. I only saw one option that made clear sense and might help me get over it all. I needed to act on it fast. It might be painful, but at least it might be worth it. Maybe Christmas was actually the time to forgive and forget and move on. Though I had no idea what that would have to do with turkey, stuffing, and presents. Anyways, I’m just glad no one walked into my room to see me lying face down half-dead, drooling on my keyboard.

***

The last week was passing quickly. I didn’t exactly want to be going through this whole thing during the holiday. It would only mess me up, confuse my relatives about my ideas on suicide, and just put a general damper on the holidays. That wasn’t my intention, of course, I just knew it would happen as my family is generally quick to jump to conclusions.

Monday was an OK Monday. It sucked, but I was glad it was the last school Monday that I’d have to endure for a few weeks. That brightened up my mood a tad. I avoided April but still stuck around after school, wondering if it would be a good idea to get it over with now. My plan wasn’t meant to be executed at the beginning of the week though. I would have to wait. Waiting wasn’t a pleasant idea though. I would’ve preferred that Friday came sooner. I could’ve been rid of the whole mess. Hopefully.

I chilled with Greg on Tuesday. He had been bummed about this girl for a while now. His feelings weren’t passing either. That pit was still there. I felt like abandoning our shared boat soon though. I didn’t like it. It felt like we were on the same boat at least. Perhaps it wasn’t this true love that everyone boasts about, but at least it was something close to it. At least a heavy attraction that you knew your subject would never feel back. So he talked about his problem.
“Blonde, beautiful…”
“Bodacious?” Just because I was depressed didn’t mean I couldn’t come up with stupidities.
“Dude…”
“Yeah yeah… I know you like this girl and all, but do you know her that well?” I was asking out of my own fear of barely knowing April.
“I hang around, I try to talk, nothing really gets done.”
“But you still feel like something could be possible?”
“Anything’s possible, right?”
That gave me hope. “I suppose.” Pause. “Is she smart?” Random.
“Don’t know her average.”
“You can usually tell from someone’s vocabulary and the way they act is all…”
“I don’t hang around her that much.”
“Then make it your priority.” I don’t know why I was giving out relationship advice when I was in a crisis myself. All hot for teacher. “Over the holidays, just ask her out or something.”
“What if I’m wrong about her?”

That’d be good if I was. I thought. What if we were both wrong and it wasn’t just love or something? It’s the strong attraction that was getting to us, but what if it was just a matter of hormones acting up. Hormones that I figured I better fix or something, because they were fucking me up, but what about a relationship? I obviously didn’t want one with a teacher. It’d be… illegal. It’d be stupid. I just wanted her and all her beauty that she had going for her. I wanted to… Wait…
“What if it’s just lust, you mean?” I stopped dead on the sidewalk, outlined by snow banks.
“I guess.”
I thought. What if it was and I was just overreacting? Then again, I had this huge pit in my stomach, I couldn’t get her off my mind and I just wanted the being that is April. “That’d be bad, eh?” I stood there silently with Greg for a few minutes. It was the friends with benefits idea. I wanted a relationship, but at the same time, I wanted something that would never happen, and instead probably just wanted a one-time deal. I remember what we had said about losing our virginity weeks ago. It’d be more like losing my dignity. But if I wanted to get her off my mind, I needed to do this.

***

I couldn’t sleep Thursday night, knowing what I was going to do. I was going to do something that would humiliate me if anyone knew about it. I would have to do it quickly and get it over with. I needed this one shot to fix it all, and I was afraid of the consequences.

I came in on Friday dazed and dead and sat down at my homeroom desk with Greg, head on the table facing him. April looked over at me, as I could just feel her gaze (I’m telling you… I really did) on me. I thought she was going to ask me something, but she just shut up, said nothing and went back to her laptop. I was glad it would all be over today. I was glad that I only had to make it through these last few hours of perpetual hell. I picked my head up and looked to the door which I had entered a few minutes prior. Above the frame of the door hung mistletoe, which was ironic. We were such homophobes at Seguin that no one would ever dare kiss another guy unless they were truly gay, and if they were, they most certainly didn’t want to come out of the closet until they graduated, or else they’d be subject to being called a fag every day. I don’t know who had put the mistletoe there, but everyone in our class had been avoiding coming into homeroom two at a time, and walked in a single file, spaced out evenly, afraid that some kind of officer would force them to lock lips.

I pursed my lips, curving them to the side, suddenly wondering what it’d be like to feel a guy’s lips. I cringed. Yeah… everyone was a little bit gay in some respects, though I knew that I was completely straight due to the woman at the front of the class. Who I’d have to face today.

***

I sat in the chair in the alcove where the door to the outside world, which April headed out every day, was. I played with my tie, loosening and tightening it back and forth. Fiddling. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t going to be any good. Why was I doing this? Why was I being so fucking moronic? This could pass. In my mind, I knew it would. I could turn back. I could head out that door and just go home. I have my key. And yet I found myself waiting there in the chair, almost having another panic attack. My breathing was heavier than usual, and my heart raced and thudded against my chest cavity. I could do this. I had to. This was going to be quick. It would all be over soon. I could go back to normal.

The door around the corner pushed open. I braced myself. I could hear her dress click and clack against the linoleum down from me. For a minute it seemed like the dream I had had. I though that when I turned the corner she’d have a chainsaw or some other sharp or dangerous object. I was afraid. I hadn’t been this spooked for a very long time. This was like your first time going off the high board into the pool kind of scared. I could easily fuck this up, couldn’t I? I could hit my head, jump too close to the edge of the pool. I could belly flop and have huge pains for the next few hours. That’s the worst thing right? Ruptured head. Severely red abs. Nothing to worry about unless it was the head. It was all head games though. I just had to do this.

I got up, fixing my tie now, but then sitting down again, not wanting to be standing there like a weirdo and scaring her. I coughed to let her know I was here and so she wouldn’t expect much more around the corner. I still remained seated, wanting nothing more than to vomit the sick guts out of my body. She came around the corner. I remained still as ever.

“You don’t look so well…” She noticed.
I nodded, “I have to solve a few things that are bugging me.”
“You didn’t look too well this morning either. Is there something up, Derrick?” She bent her neck down slightly to get a better look at me.
“Yeah.”
“Something at home? Is there…”
I smirked. She really was clueless. This wasn’t good from my viewpoint. “You could say there is something wrong everywhere I go. And I can’t get it all off my mind no matter how much I think it over.”

She paused for a second. “Then do you need to talk about it?”
“I think so. But I need to end this thing on my mind for good now. I don’t need this hindering me now.”
“Then… what is it?” She looked at me.

I got up, looking at her. “You.” And I grabbed her, laid my lips on hers’ and let go after a second. That’s all I needed. And that sent me reeling. What had I just done? What. The. Fuck. April had a look of utter shock on her face, looking down at the ground. I couldn’t look at her anymore. I couldn’t do this. “I’m sorry.” I ran.

Before I knew it, I was lying down in the snow outside my house. No one was home. I was just there in my uniform, no coat, not gloves, or hat. Just there, motionless. I must have run all the way home. The pit had gone. I was fine. There was no feeling of love left or like or anything.

But I had done something that I could never forgive myself for. I gave into the temptation I never wanted to give in to. I never wanted any of this. I didn’t want to touch lips with some woman I barely knew and was a good fifteen years older than me, more or less. I wanted nothing to do with her anymore. I hoped she knew that I didn’t want to do that. I only wanted things to go back to normal. I was the student, and she, the teacher. That’s how it should’ve remained. I was glad it probably would. I did that for the greater good. I did it all for us. I was overreacting, sure, using words like us, as if we were anything. I was lusting. I knew it right then and there for certain. I hated it. I wanted to curl up and never speak to her ever again for what I had done. It was wrong. This whole thing was wrong. I was in the wrong. This was a mistake. You can never help whom you lusted after. You could never control emotions. And while I was reeling all this in my mind, I realized that I was actually at ease despite all of the thoughts that were passing through me in that instant. I now only feared two things: what would happen in the new year, and mistletoe.