Straighten Your Ties / Book 1

Flash before my eyes
Now it's time to die
-Metallica – Ride The Lightning

The insomnia started that night. It always happened during the holidays, but sometimes happened during the year as well. As of then, this was pretty bad. I knew things were fine, and I didn’t have any kind of attraction to April anymore, but I felt bad. I had kissed her. It was hard to admit. I had kissed a person older than me (by a long shot) on the lips. LIPS. Not the cheek. Maybe that would’ve been enough. Maybe my plan was fucked up. I had done something bad. The lips. What had I been thinking? You just don’t do that. I paced my room with the lights off at 2am. I wasn’t tired in the least bit. Much too wired on the contrary.

My window slit was covered in snow. My door was closed. I couldn’t see out. No one could see in. I had isolated myself. I planned on doing this tomorrow as well. I didn’t want to come out unless I had to eat or something. I needed time to think this over. Maybe time was finally on my side, and by Christmas day, I’d be fine. That’d be good. I did need air though. I had avoided going outside for a while now.

But I wasn’t good. I was pacing back and forth across the floor space I had. I never paced. I wasn’t thinking either. Just walking. I’m glad no one could see this. I was in a vulnerable state. My parents hadn’t noticed anything at dinner as always. They just started talking about office matters, at which point I got up from the dinner table, not wanting to hear about incompetent employees who couldn’t stock shelves. I had since been looking up things on the web about child/adult relationships, and what was legal and what was not. I couldn’t exactly find anything on the matter of kissing. “Sexual contact” was what most came up, and I didn’t know exactly what the entailed and whether I had sexually contacted anyone in my life. Does making out count? What was sexual about lips meeting anyways? Two closed orifices meeting. No tongue. At what point did it all go downhill and become blaspheme? I hadn’t been in a church for years, so I had no clue, and when I did go to a church, I fell asleep and didn’t listen to shit. I didn’t intend on following any religion, but I supposed since the church and state used to be so close that we might have gone by their laws still. Then again, what was I talking about? The church had the stereotype of priests being child molesters. They wouldn’t have created any such law. Just no pre-marital sex. Penis + Vagina = Bad before you wed.

The subject of whether a closed mouth kiss was illegal never appeared. That eased me. But it still wasn’t considered proper in society. I knew that much. The voice in the back of my head was yelling at me. It told me that my parents would be ashamed if they knew. And what if April went to Ms. Mullins? What if she ratted me out? What if I was screwed now because I hadn’t done anything illegal? But then again, couldn’t she somehow lose her job? She wouldn’t say anything in that case. When you’re fired as a teacher, I don’t think many schools want to hire you under any circumstances. Due to the risk of her being unemployed, which is the risk I had given her by doing that, I deduced that she wouldn’t dare try anything that would put any of us at risk. She knew I wasn’t a bad kid. I didn’t want to do that. I had no choice. She had to see that.

I thought about sending her an email, but knew that would just be a bad idea. First of all, she wouldn’t be checking her email over the holidays like every other teacher. They were lazy and didn’t realize that some kids got incredibly confused with the reading material they gave them over the break. Apparently that didn’t matter to them at all. I admit, they’re on vacation, but it takes five seconds to log on. As for the other matter, sending her an email detailing anything would only be proof that anything of the sort happened. That could still spell major shit for the both of us. I should’ve been punished to be honest, but I kinda didn’t want to be. There must’ve been a way to resolve this.

Then I started thinking I was overreacting a tiny bit. I wasn’t though. This was a big deal. A huge deal. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I had pushed one thing out of my mind, but it was merely replaced by another. While I could move forward quite a bit, other things still blocked my way out of this mess. For one thing, sleep. I still wasn’t tired. I changed my pace’s direction to over near the desk where my laptop rested. The clock read 3:01am. I groaned quietly. I didn’t mind being up sometimes, but I actually wished that sleep would come and knock me out right about now. I thought of calling someone to pass the time, but I knew that everyone else in the area was getting sleep. I however, was not getting any at all. I collapsed onto my bed on my back, putting my fists to my stomach. This was annoying. I looked in front of me, faintly seeing my pillows at the top of my bed. Pillows wouldn’t do me much good at the moment. I wasn’t tired. When I couldn’t sleep, I usually imagined something boring. Not sheep. I imagined a single light One of those lights that was implanted into the ceiling just like in this room. I thought of that for a long while. Eventually I got bored and realized I did want to sleep. I had tried that several hours ago. It wasn’t working anymore. I looked at my open laptop across the room. I didn’t see how having a computer screen in front of me would help either. But then I realized I hadn’t written on my blog in a while. I thought that it’d be good for me. Get the bad emotions and thoughts out. I picked up and unplugged it from its power source and sat down on my bed with the computer in my lap. I logged in to my blog and made a new post:

I believe my last post was about how I wasn’t in a good mood. Well, I’m still not, but I’m actually considerably better. Not that you care. You most likely don’t. Anyhow, I shouldn’t be blogging at this time of night. It’s incredibly late and I should be sleeping. Alas, my few readers, I suffer from insomnia when school is not in session. I don’t feel too hot either, besides the suffering that is this stupid… is it a disease? *looks to wikipedia*… damn. Disorder. I was hoping I had an actual disease. Then I could be excused from participating in family activities. I know I’m going to sound cryptic, but I can’t exactly talk about why I’m feeling bad. I liked someone. Keyword: liked. But now I’m feeling bad about how I pushed them away for good. I could have had a chance with this person… yes, this person is female, you homophobes. I just like saying person. So I’ve pushed her away for the time being. I’m hoping for good though. I’m not good for them. I’m not good for anyone at the moment. I wish I could just stay in this room forever and isolate myself from every other living being for a good few weeks. I know I’ll be forced to get out of here in a matter of hours to eat or something, but I’m wondering if I can survive off my flesh. Crazy talk. This is probably pointless. Scratch that. This is.
-D

I scanned my post. It didn’t make much sense at. Regardless, I posted it. That didn’t help at all though. I was not falling asleep any easier. I tried again after putting my computer back on my desk. But it was as if something was forcing my eyes open. I tried to focus on a boring object, but then Becca’s face popped in my head, or Greg’s voice echoed, or I heard a Christmas song, or I saw Ms. Mullins, with her short and boyish curly brown hair, lecturing me about how I should’ve gotten more sleep the other night after stumbling to her office in the morning. I got up and looked at my computer’s clock. 3:33am. Hell… I didn’t care what time it was. I was going for a walk.

***

My house had a side door that didn’t make much noise at all. I snuck out very quietly, with my coat equipped and hat on my head. This looked promising: a town just west of downtown in the very early morning. And as a plus, it was snowing, and was at least ten below zero. I groaned. I still needed some air no matter how much my mind told me I wanted isolation.
I kept off the main streets, knowing the police would see me and send me right on home, as Westmount did have some kind of secret curfew that I still didn’t know the exact details of. I walked down the hill towards a less busy avenue. I didn’t have much of a directive. I figured I’d maybe sneak over to Greg’s, but I also thought that might be a little dumb to do. I knew he’d be pissed if I woke him up. Seth was forced to go to bed at nine or so. Jason had already left for the Bahamas that afternoon. All my friends were kinda occupied, in a sense. Except Anthony. It hit me. Why didn’t I think of it before? That guy didn’t mind if I woke him up. In fact, he’d probably still be up. I had brought along my cell. I picked it up and dialed his digits. I was walking westward toward the far reaches of Westmount. Anthony lived across the highway, and I was heading near him.

“Hello?” A raspy voice made me jump as Anthony picked up his phone.
“Tones, it’s Der.” I said quietly. “Did I wake you?”
“Not at all.” I could hear wind blow in the background. “What’s up?”
“Are you outside?” I asked, bewildered to hear some kind of air flowing beneath his voice. “I hear wind.”
“Yeah, actually,” he said, “My parents aren’t supposed to know, but I do this once in a while when I can’t sleep, you know?”
“Uh huh.” I looked around the dark avenue I was walking, just below The Boulevard. “You wanna meet up? I’m out too.”
“Park?”
“Murray Hill.” A park just to the west of Seguin.
“Ummm… Alright. You’re lucky. I crossed the highway. I can’t stand NDG sometimes.”
“Great. I’ll see you soon?” I didn’t have to walk far. I hoped he didn’t, I started heading east.
“Most definitely.”

***

The hill was oddly deserted. I expected there to be druggies out at night, but it was too early in the morning, and too late to be considered night. Tones showed up a good five minutes after me. The hill was dark, and he couldn’t see me as he turned side to side in the streetlamp’s light below me. I moved closer to him, and he yelled, “Derrick!”
I sat down in the snow, getting my jeans a tad wet, and waited as Tones climbed up the hill. He sat down beside me, decked out with his toque just above his thick eyebrows. “So, what’s your excuse?”

“It’s only one thing. But I’m not sure if I should discuss it.” I laid back now.
“Well, thanks for asking, but I can’t get over the fact that I probably failed today’s French test.” I didn’t do so well on that either.
“You mean yesterday’s?” I noted the late hour.
“Right…”
“Fuck school,” I muttered. It felt like we were the only people in the world at that moment. We discussed the past week’s projects and tests at length. They were really tough. It was a very miniscule part that worried me, and whether I had made good with my marks in the least bit. I couldn’t be sure.

“So, you’re not going to tell me your excuse?” He nudged me. I raised myself up, pulling my knees to my chin. I wasn’t sure if I should. I could trust Anthony, I knew that. But there’s a point to something you can tell your trustworthy friends, and where you can’t say a word, knowing one word can ruin you.

“Do you ever wish you never fell in love?”
“Who says I have?” Tones looked back at me, cock-eyed.
“I’m just saying…” I sighed, “Hypothetically, is it always OK to fall in love?” I knew it was lust, but love just seemed more appropriate to use.
“Who is it?”
“Don’t prod.” I shot back.
“Sorry.”
“But is it?”

Anthony looked up at the sky for a second. In the city, you couldn’t always see much due to the amount of light pollution, but the moon was out that night, and that was a plus. He returned his gaze to the street at the bottom of the hill, where a cop car raced past, not seeing us. “I think…” He paused. “There’s a point to falling in love. It’s human nature after all. And if it’s human nature, then it is OK then, I guess.”

“But isn’t human nature the want to kill as well?” I pondered.
“Animal instinct, really. Not the same.”
“But what if this love… just isn’t right?”
“You mean like a student and teacher? The common Seguin debacle…”
“Sorta.” I cringed.
“That’s always lust. It’s nothing to worry about.”
“Define lust in your words then.” I was getting in depth now.
“Something that seems like love but is just for the looks, the money, or some other stupid thing. It’s love, but not true love. Lust happens to everyone though… I mean, every guy in this world says they love some actress, but they don’t. They’re just after sex.” I hoped I hadn’t been.
“So, is it ever right to act on lust?”
“Wowzers… you just don’t stop, eh?” He laughed.
“I’m just insecure.”
“I see.” He poked his finger into the snow and traced something I couldn’t see. “It doesn’t hurt I suppose.”
“But, you’re giving in…”
“So?”
“Human nature?”

“If you gave in to something recently, and you’re not feeling good about it,” He eyed me, “And I’m not saying you did, but if you did, then isn’t it over with and you’re worrying for nothing? That’s usually what happens. All feelings just go away, never to return. All is good then.”

This was only giving me the answers I already had…
Wow… took me long to figure that one out.
“I already had all these answers.” I grabbed a fist-full of snow and threw it in front of me. It blew back towards me. I flung myself backwards into the imprint I had made before in the snow.
“Bad advice?”

“No,” I said honestly, “I think I just needed to hear that from someone else’s mouth.” I was feeling myself getting tired already. I hated that I’d now have to walk home tired as hell. I wanted to stay out for some reason, but I wanted sleep. I wondered if it’d be a good idea to sleep right where I was, but I then had the mental image of me being found dead at the bottom of the hill in the morning. I shuddered.

“It’s sometimes what we need.” He looked at me. “Is Derrick OK?”
“Derrick’s good. His spirit’s just a bit crushed.”
“You’ll find her someday, Derrick.”

“Yeah…” I got up on my feet now, as Tones followed me down the hill. “I wish.” So far I had a bitch, a teacher, and probably a few girls who ran away when I looked at them in elementary school. I had been waiting thirteen years for something good. To think that I should find it now was stupid, but merely human nature.

Tones and I headed our separate ways. I crashed on my bed, with my hat still on, and drifted into a deep sleep. Dream-free, and April-free. I was going to be all right. I didn’t need to worry about some teacher anymore. It was done. All done. There was no more worry to worry about. I didn’t need to act like the world was a hellhole. At least until next year. And that was only days away.

***

Christmas morning came fast. I woke up to find a big set of iPod speakers waiting for me, along with snorkeling gear for each member of the family for us to use in Hawaii this summer. Something to look forward to. I hooked up my speakers, and shoved my snorkel gear under my new bed, now located upstairs. I was free from the basement at last. I had been getting a lot more sleep since I had changed rooms too. Maybe it was the karma. I didn’t know anything about karma, but this room was red, unlike my dull blue room I used to have in the basement. I never did get much sleep down there when I thought about it. During the summer, I would usually take my blankets and pillow to the living room couch. I got in trouble for sleeping on it, but at least I got sleep when I did do that.

I had once come into school with no sleep at all. I was surprisingly better throughout the day until about one o’clock, and at that point, I started falling over onto my desk without noticing. My teacher would then proceed to drop a heavy textbook flat onto the desk, startling me from my eternal slumber. It was better than being sleepy at the start of the day. I had decided that it was better to get no sleep than just a bit after that day. I hadn’t followed up on my sleep theory entirely though. I found myself tired by four or so and needed sleep by then, or I’d be brain dead for the rest of the week. I was a bad scientist, not wanting to put my sanity at risk for science. Shame on me.

I turned on some music on the new iPod speakers. I turned it up as much as I could without blowing them out. The bass speaker thumped, visibly vibrating. I laughed under the sound of Fall Out Boy coming out of the speakers. This was ridiculous. I liked my music loud, but at this point, I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts. I knew my parents would be coming upstairs if this continued. I turned it down to a normal volume. There was no point in using too much of a good thing. It just dies faster that way.

Family came over to our house soon after. We unwrapped presents and shared stories of what happened in the past few weeks. I didn’t feel like saying anything. I sat silently in my corner As always. Things were constant.

***

I slept easy up until New Year’s. I planned on pulling an all-nighter that night. I knew I could, and I was kinda in need of one to get my juices flowing. I had to celebrate somehow, right? New Year’s was about forgiving things you did that year, and I had to start somewhere. I called up Greg and asked him if he wanted to come over for the night. He told me he’d be there soon. It was about eight o’clock when he got to my house.

“So you’ve moved out of the dungeon?” Many of my friends referred to my basement room as a dungeon. It was more like a torture room with plaster walls instead of the typical stone walls that you saw in movies.

“Yeah, sadly.” I plopped onto my bed.
“You’re kidding… you miss it?” He became wide-eyed.
“Only a bit.” I twiddled my thumbs. “I can’t let go of it that easily.”
“But this is more spacious! Plus it’s not like you’re living in your parent’s basement in a sense.”
“I hope I don’t end up there again.”
“So what are we going to do? We’ve got four hours until 2007.”
I looked at the ceiling. There was nothing to do. “Nothing.”
“I’m leaving then…” He turned to the door very slowly.
“NO!”
“Dude, there must be something.”
“I dunno.” I shrugged. “I just wanted to hang with friends before the year was over.”
“Weirdo.”
“Thanks!” I gave him an open-mouthed sarcastic smile. “So…” I began, “How goes things with this girl?”
He only shook his head and sat down at the foot of my bed.
“Tell me.” I shut my eyes in frustration.
“I asked her out.”
“She said no.” I knew the answer from the expression in his voice.
“Regrettably so.”
“Bitch…” I turned onto my side, “Girls don’t see the greatness that is us!”
“A little cocky, don’t you think?”

I looked to him, “Only a bit really…” I sat up, “But think about it: There are so many assholes out there. And yet the nice guys are ignored. No one gives us a chance. I know this. Becca was a fluke. She was popular and all, but there’s also the fact that she wanted a change. Then…”
“I thought we were never talking about Becca again?”
“I was mentioning her.” I shot back. Sarcastically angry. “Big difference.”
“Well, I’m screwed.”

“Because one girl said no to you?” I had had a change of heart since I talked to Tones. It didn’t matter what April did. She wasn’t the one like the lust told me she was or anything. I had to stop making a big deal out of a crush that I let overrun my life.
“But she was…” He didn’t finish.

I got what he was saying. He didn’t have to say anything. “A lot of us feel that way at first. But really, no one’s ever our perfect match. Regardless, I’m still going to think that someone is, and I will fall in love again –”
Greg glared back at me, “Wait… what?”
“Don’t you remember? We were in the same boat before.”
“Aren’t we still then?”
“Are you implying that we both jumped ship? Because I think we did, but I jumped first.”
“Why can’t you tell me about your girl?” Gee, I dunno. Maybe it’s because she’s one of the only women in our school? Could be. Then again, there’s also the fact that she’s much older than me and that’s very creepy.

“I don’t like discussing my own relationships.” Now I was saying I was dating this ‘woman.’ I was saying a load of bullshit uncontrollably.
“I can see that. But you sure do like other people’s!”
“At least I’m not selfish.” I threw a pillow at him. I missed Greg and it flew to the wall past my bed.
“Bad aim.” Greg gave me the wag of the finger.
“Never been much of an athlete.”
“Skinny bitch.”

“Obese fat whore!” I smiled back.
“I weigh more than you, but I’m not nearly as fat as Jason or Cole.”
I nodded, “You win.”
“Do I get a medal?”
“Fuck you and your medals! YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL!” I said through gritted teeth. Tensing.
“I lowww you man.”
“I lowww you too.” I held out my hand to give him props and he gratefully returned it.

We were sitting on my bed listening to music when the clock struck midnight. We didn’t do any midnight kiss, knowing that our sexuality was rather straight. I did wish however that I would get a steady girlfriend this year. It was my resolution that never came true until last year. Only sort of. Becca was three months of my life, and I didn’t know what constituted as steady in society. So I could hope again that something would happen.

I sat there with my best friend that night, only hoping that things could get better. I only supposed for a split second that things just seemed too good to be true. I should’ve kept that idea in mind.