Straighten Your Ties / Book 1

This is the scent of dead skin on the linoleum floor
This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital
It’s not so pleasant and it’s not so conventional
It sure as hell ain’t normal
But we deal
We deal.
-Panic at the Disco – Camisado

Katherine suddenly appeared out from behind the Honda Civic Tour flags that were waving carelessly in the warm breeze. She waved to me frantically and skipped forward towards me. However much of a friend Kath was and is, I would still have preferred that Lexy be here. Kath wasn’t a substitute for Lexy at all. A very good friend, yes. And I can thank her for Lexy. I can’t thank her enough, in fact.

“Hoy!” She was wearing her huge fake glasses again. I despised them. Whoever wanted to wear glasses in this world had a problem. But she had put up a fight to keep them. Her teachers had confiscated them several times and they were somehow not smashed by any of them yet. “I didn’t think this was going to happen…”

“What?” I said as I handed her the ticket I had bought for her in case they had sold out. She was due to pay me back, although I wouldn’t have minded paying for her in the least bit.
“All of this.” She smiled wide. “I mean, yesterday, my plans for today were just homework. And now, I’m here. At a concert. With you. And Ken.”

“Speaking of that guy, you’re just lucky I’m not anything like Ken.” Ken had gone inside already, trying to find a good spot on the floor to stand for the hours ahead. I had to move over at the front of the line to let people by while Kath arrived. I had called Sass before to tell her to go find him, but apparently she didn’t want to give up her place at the front of the stage.

“Then mother dearest would be most opposed.” Apparently when Katherine and Kenneth were dating, something Kath’s parents had seen or heard had been very bad. Katherine wasn’t allowed to date him let alone be around him, and her mother couldn’t know that he was here tonight, and would probably be right near her the whole time. Nevertheless, they were still friends, but they had fallen for each other a few times already. And just apparently. I didn’t like to bother with the past all the time. And probably weren’t going to again. I think that they could see that the whole relationship wouldn’t work. Mostly due to parents. And although her parents had just said that he was a “bad kid,” they had never given much more explanation. I had my theories.
“I suspect the likewise.” Ken wasn’t the cleanest and most straight edge guy in any mindset.
We shuffled forward through the front doors of the Metropolis Concert hall. Above on the marquis of the hall read “Panic at the Disco.” I had been waiting years for them to come to town and for me to be allowed to go to their concert. One dream to check off the list.

Once we got through security and such things, we headed into the main hall and down a long carpeted ramp to the side of the open area of the place. A bar was at the back wall and in front of it were several tables behind railings, one platform lower than the next. That took up most of the back area of the hall. In front of these platforms of tables was the main floor, which had been home to some awesome moshes. Not even halfway down the platform, Kath started running way ahead of me. I saw Ken in the orange-yellow light of the standing room area running as well. I figured that they hadn’t seen each other in a bit, but then again, we all run at each other if we ever meet up as if Chariots of Fire is the soundtrack to it all.
Ken and Kath hugged each other for a moment. “What’s up Scotty?”
“Oh, shut up!” she blushed, “Nothing much though. Just excited to be here.”
“’Tis going to be sick.”

“Uh… I don’t know about you guys, but I must get merch. Now. Before they run out of my sizes.” I motioned towards the merch booth near the bar.
“Sizes?” Kath looked at me through her glasses once again. I wish she’d take them off. Now. Though they did look good on her, and you’d think she’d always been wearing them.
“I promised Lexy a ‘hoodie of destiny’ that I’m not going to let her pay for.” She always insisted on paying for everything. I always thought it was the other way around and I had to buy her things. Maybe things had changed or I just wasn’t going out with a Jap. I suspect a mix of both.

“Why, that reminds me…” Kath trailed off… “Der and Lexy, Der and Lexy!” She said quickly while poking me at a fast pace as well. I simply shook my head and kept on walking.
After Katherine finally paid me back for her ticket, we lined up in a confuddled line that didn’t seem to be going anywhere, but I eventually fought my way to the front. So did Ken. I ordered my two identical hoodies (without any problems this time, unlike last year) that were wrapped in plastic bags. While Ken bought three t-shirts. I looked at him after I came out from paying for my sweaters, eyeing the three incredibly tight-looking shirts.

“How do you intend on holding onto those?” Knowing the answer but not thinking it was possible.
He held up a finger to say “one sec,” pulled off his hoodie, under which he was already wearing two t-shirts, and pulled on all three shirts, leaving a yellow Motion City Soundtrack one on top. “Yeah… that’s how.”

I figured that was how I was holding onto both of these hoodies. I peeled off the plastic baggie that surrounded it, carelessly throwing it to the floor. Katherine gasped, “NO!” She picked it up off the blue-carpeted floor and headed to the trash bin.
“Oh c’mon…”
“You’re polluting! It’s not good!”
“I’m in Metropolis. This isn’t nature.”
“You sick bastard…” Ken muttered evilly.
“Well it could easily be such a thing if I wanted it to.” She had now come back from the trash bin to the right of me.
I peeled off the next hoodie plastic case thingy. “Hey, Kath… look! I’m going to pollute the Earth!” And I let the flimsy plastic float to the floor. She gasped again.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!” She also caught it before it even had a chance to grace the floor. Ken and I laughed as we watched her dash to the trash bin with the plastic in hand, almost losing one of her slip-ons in the process. That reminded me, I was likely going to lose mine tonight. I looked down at my feet, knowing that the shoes I was wearing were paper thin and super tight. How I’d miss them…

Kath came back looking me dead in the eyes. “What?” I asked her, looking back with a mimicked intensity.
“Don’t litter!” And she started walking towards the floor. I really did love my friends. So weird, yet so awesome. I put on my both my hoodies and started to follow them down the ramp. I was already starting to sweat. I reminded myself why I was doing this. Lexy Lexy Lexy…

Our plan was simple: Get as close to the front as we could, and slowly work our way up. We were a bit early, and some people weren’t coming until later, not wanting to see opening bands, so we got good standing room with maybe twenty people between us and the stage. Ken and I said hi to Jean, Steve, and Jennifer as they were about to go get balcony seats. It was nice to see Jen again and not be infatuated with her, now that I had found someone that actually had a mutual attraction. Jen didn’t matter. As a friend she did, I mean. While they went to go get seats, we decided to get crushed like sardines. Even before Phantom Planet came on, Ken told me, “Dude, I’m fucking sweating like mad already.” I looked in back of us. The place was filling up kinda fast, and it was only getting hotter under the orange light of the floor. I myself was breaking out a sweat on my back. I felt bad for Lexy’s hoodie, which was closest to my skin, with only my Panic shirt keeping it from directly touching it.

Fuck… I thought, Lexy is obviously going to have to wash this.
A video screen above the playing stage played Honda Civic Tour advertisements and such, with Panic’s members pictured nearly every minute. And in that every minute that they showed up, pre-teenaged girls screamed all over. It actually was starting to get on my nerves at one point. Kath thought so too: “SHUT UP!”

“Like, god, noise pollution!” I mocked. She glared and lightly punched my arm.
Ken, Kath and I crowded together as Phantom Planet hit the stage and the crowd started screaming for the right reasons. Why? Because Phantom Planet, the guys who made The O.C.’s theme song, actually rocked. It was us three side by side, while Kath’s mother thought it was just me and her. I sang along to the songs I knew, my voice barely audible in my own head over the overwhelming bass of the theatre. Since I was apparently put in charge of Kath’s well-being (not only by her parents, but mine warned me too), even though she was the same age as me, I kept looking over to her throughout the performance, making sure she was still alive. Indeed she was, her glasses still on, bopping her head to the beat.

Alex, the lead singer, stopped during Geronimo and asked us to help him finish the song with some black magic. I turned to Ken, somehow relating it to his Satanist views. Alex told us to put our hands out and make a very low tone with our voice and slowly raise our hands. We did so. Eventually our hands were far above our heads and the band kicked in again. And after the crowd went crazy for California (because trust me, The O.C. used to be the shit in my world and everyone else’s), the band was off. Ken looked at me, “That wasn’t even real fucking black magic…”

We were now more packed in than before and I desperately needed to get one of my sweaters, but I decided against tying one around my waist and held on to it. I had to call my paranoid mother to tell her I was alive, which she was relieved to hear. I hated doing that.

“Der and Lexy, Der and Lexy!” Both Ken and Kath had started again. I smiled and thought of a good retort. “Der likes Lexy, Der likes Lexy!”
“More like love her…” I said whole-heartedly. I wished even more that she was in here in my arms right now.
Kath then started a new and obvious chant, to which Ken joined in on. “Der loves Lexy, Der loves Lexy, Der loves Lexy!”
I leaned over and spoke into Kath’s ear, “And you know what Kath loves? Hentai!”
“Noooooooo…” She said in an oddly girlish squeal. “I’m sorry Der, but I’m not into that.”
“You know you love it.” And I actually didn’t. I think Eric made me quite uninterested in anime.

“Shhhhh…” She had told me she hadn’t intended on telling Kenneth, but how could he not know that she loved anime when he had dated her before? Meh, what did I know? “And I bet you look at porn…”
“What guy hasn’t?” I smirked.
Kath tapped Ken on the shoulder, he turned around, “Yeah?”
“Kennnnnnnnn….” She drew out, “You don’t look at porn, do you?”
“What guy hasn’t?” He smirked. Katherine frowned.
“Now now Scotty…” I mocked again, I was quite mean. “At least I actually stopped looking at it a week ago for your information. That was the deal with myself. If I get a girlfriend, I’d stop looking at porn altogether.”

“Wait… sooo…” She thought for a second, and then had a Jap moment: “Ewwwwww!”
I merely said, “Hentai!” And then The Hush Sound came on.
Like any other band in the universe that came to Montreal, they somehow involved French into their introduction, which I surprisingly appreciated, considering I hated the French language. “Bonjour Montreal! Nous sommes The Hush Sound!” More French than I thought they would use… Most just say, “Bonjour Montreal!”

About an eighth of the way through their set, I noticed Kath and Ken in front of me. I knew they were there, it was just a matter of what they were doing, and I wondered why. They were looking at each other, deeply, their arms around each other’s necks. My mind had a flashback to the park, Lexy and I behind a tree, just glaring at each other with a burning intensity. But I didn’t think much of it at the time. Kath was mouthing the words to Like Vines and Ken was just staring at her. I watched the show, which admittedly, even though I like The Hush Sound, they aren’t too good live. Ken and Kath, weren’t watching the show and obviously had their minds on other things. I just thought at the time that they were just friends holding each other close for some reason. My mind doesn’t function properly when excited.

I hadn’t seen Sascha and Sierra, who were supposedly up front, at all tonight. I didn’t think I would since they probably wouldn’t give up their spots. I thought it would’ve been nice to see either of them, considering it had been awhile since I had met up with them.
After The Hush Sound, Kath and Ken were still holding each other. I decided to move in front of them, considering the fact that they couldn’t keep their eyes off each other and their hands off their necks and hips. They probably wouldn’t want to watch Motion City Soundtrack, I figured. I also didn’t mention anything. I had learned long ago with David not to mess with people’s relationships. I’d likely talk to Kath about it later.

I was half-right. They actually decided to watch the entertainment this time, Ken holding her from behind, his arms around her side, hands resting at her abdomen. They also incessantly poking me and saying the same old chant about Der and Lexy, which I didn’t get annoyed of. Sass and Sierra had also made their way through the crowd all the way in back of us, and let us know they were here, and for another reason. When Motion City really started going, a small mosh pit started to the left of me, not ten people away. They had been in front, and Sierra had lost her phone in the mosh.

“I have no idea where it went.” She yelled over the crowd and bass, “One moment it was in my hand, the next it was gone. I fucking dropped it… Shit.” They went to go look for it, seeing as Sass had time to spare before her beloved Ryan Ross came out on stage, whom she had been obsessing over for a good two years or so now. And I must say, for two girls, they made their way through the crowd quite easily… grossly probably because by now, the stench of the open space was horrible.

Ken, being a typical teenager, and not a goody-goody like myself, wanted to go mosh. He let me know, leaving me with Katherine, and me having to protect her. And I had to protect her for good reason. A man in an undershirt, seemingly much too large and old to be considered a normal Panic at the Disco fan, passed by us towards the end of Motion City’s set. He was sweating like mad, more than Kath, Ken (who was moshing by now) and I combined, had back hair that looked like… well, I can’t even compare it to anything.

I motioned towards him, and Kath also acknowledged his presence, wide-eyed, now without her glasses, that were in the purse that she had forced me to put around my neck (“Now you have a murse!” I cringed at that). We winced and shot a glance of disgust towards each other, knowing that he didn’t belong here. All the while, Motion City Soundtrack’s tunes were putting the crowd into a frenzy. An open water bottle in someone’s hands in front of me flung water at me when it was swung over their heads. I was kneed a few times a few times by some douchebag in back of me. The crowd was in a constant swing, getting pushed around in one fluent wave. And some people were even crowd surfing… unsuccessfully and successfully. If you’ve never heard Motion City before, go listen to songs like Last Night. How you can mosh to MCS I will never know, but they put on a damn good show nonetheless, with their insane synth/keyboardist who was banging his head, swinging his long hair in every which way. And Justin, the lead singer (who was constantly switching his guitar, my guess is for tuning), was cracking jokes at every break between songs. At one point he wanted to see who could jump the highest. The crowd did so, but apparently someone got the message late…

“No! No! You missed your chance!” Then he changed moods. “Did I make you feel awkward? No? That’s cool. You’re cool. You’re like totally cool with yourself, and that’s awesome… Like really.”
“This is a really sad song… pathetic…” Mood change. “Are you guys ready to fucking cry?”
“And this is a song about how much I love myself!”
I decided that night that I was definitely coming to their show next time they came to town. I was dragging Ken along too, as he was enjoying himself over in the mosh while I defended Kath from whom we called “Creepy Sweaty Guy.” I was going to add “sexy,” but then I’d be overdoing it. He actually pushed through us after MCS’s set. He stopped in front of us, between Kath and I. I circled his back hair that was visible, and told Kath, “Sexaayyyy!”

Katherine wasn’t too pleased with this guy. He really did creep me out too. But I’m guessing that’s what I’d look like minus the back hair and fatness and balding head… if I had just an undershirt on. We were incredibly sweaty and our legs were aching. Motion City’s set seemed to go on for ages to me.

(No joke: Kath actually saw the exact same guy a few weeks later on the bus. She gave me a call and said, “I swear. Same guy. Neck hair and everything. I think he wants to eat me.”)

I decided against asking Katherine about Ken again, and Sass and Sierra came by to make me forget about it for a second.
“Found it!” Sierra held up her golden colored phone. Sass trailed behind her, looking rather scared that she had to get to the front to see her Ryan… Now!
“How? That’s fucking insane…” It didn’t seem possible to find a phone when you dropped it in the middle of a concert hall.
“Some people found it in the mosh when I called it. We had to go meet them to get it back and all.” Pure luck. But very good luck.

While they were in Kath and I’s general area, I was much in need of water, so was Kath. Kath more than I according to her. I looked at a group of girls in front of us, dressed in homemade Panic shirts. In their bag was a bottle of water, which I eyed, wanting very badly.
“You wouldn’t happen to have any water, eh?” Sass had tapped me on the shoulder.
“Look where my eyes are.” And Sass followed them. And while tempted to steal it, I refused to do so. That water was expensive. Three dollars fifty. And it was a small bottle. I figured they needed it more than I.

“That is very tempting.” Sierra muttered, wide-eyed. And they probably weren’t going to march all the way back to the bar now if they wanted to get a good spot. I would’ve, but they were gone rather fast after the after thought of stealing a bottle of water.
Someone from the balcony above us had flung water at the crowd, hitting me in the instance. “That’s it! I’m getting water now…” Kath turned and tried to push herself through the crowd.
“Aren’t you going to lose your spot…?” But I trailed off. I realized how close we were to the bar and that Katherine would only have to push through a very small amount of people. We must’ve gotten pushed back during Motion City Soundtrack, as I do remember stumbling back and nearly knocking over Kath as well.

As I guussed, Katherine got through and back very easily, and thankfully I blocked anyone from taking the small sardine space that she had next to me. The water was well needed. It had been about two and a half hours of constant standing. Ken was still over in the motionless mosh pit as we waited for Panic to come on stage. People started chanting “Panique! Panique!” in a French accent. I scoffed.

“Why the hell with the French accent? It’s PANIC, you dipshits!” I said to no one.
The lights dimmed and the place went insane as the band I had been longing to see in concert for about two years now, took the stage.
I’m not going to be a reviewer here and discuss the concert much. You can pretty much guess that I had a hell of a time. Kath left me halfway through Panic to join Ken in the mosh. Which she didn’t mosh in but stood to the side of. I’m guessing she just wanted to be around him, her infatuation for him most likely getting the better of her. Ken had been in the pit all night. He had pushed over people, causing them to cry, and one person even threw up. Quite the story. Kath came back to me at around 10:30 not knowing whether she had to be picked up or could stay, as it was a school night. Though my parents knew I could go see midnight premieres of movies and get up the next day, the same didn’t go for all I suppose. Reluctantly, I left the concert hall to the lobby so she could call her mother. I didn’t mind. Kath had hooked me up with Lexy, and I definitely owed her for that, even that meant missing part of the concert.

I sat in the empty entrance lobby, with Kath on the phone, still trying to think of what was going on between her and Ken. It was really weird. I knew from the couple months that I had been hanging with Katherine that her friendship and general relationship with Ken had been rocky. Some weeks they were best of friends, but other weeks they hated each other. It made me think of Dave and Eric. Our general disliking was never constant. But it’s not like we were having a threesome “burning intensity stare down.” There was also the fact that she had dated Ken before - a few times at that. If it hadn’t worked out a few times, what were the chances of it now being all perfect? I didn’t know much about love. Come to think of it, I knew shit. It just seemed unlike Ken, who a few weeks ago was all over this insanely hot and popular girl at Scholar (not to mention that he eventually hooked up with her, and then proceeded to get drunk and be unsure of whether he was dating her or not: “We totally made out… but like… I just don’t know”) and was now googly-eyeing his ex, who to him was most likely considerably less pretty and to Kath, she herself was less popular than others. Now I feared of Katherine being the rebound girl, which is what no girl wants to be. I hoped this was all real, and Ken was serious about this. After all, he wanted a steady girlfriend.

Kath flipper her cell shut, “I can stay.” We had only missed a few minutes of the concert, and so I was glad.
“Let’s go get our spots back then…”
“Water first…” True. We had downed the other water bottle very quickly. I guessed that Kath was staying with me for the rest of the concert.

We climbed down the ramp to the floor and to the bar on the right side of it. The bartender barely heard us over the current song Panic was playing, with Brendon Urie looking as sexy as ever (did I just I write that?). Kath was searching through her wallet for money. I reached into my pocket and handed her a ten. Seven dollars for barely a half-litre of water. That was pitiful. Kath tried to pay me back too. I refused. I didn’t want her giving me money that I likely didn’t need, and that I didn’t want to take away from her. I was nice like that. She frowned, thinking I needed it.
We moved back into the crowd for the last part of the concert. And downed our water in what seemed like record time. A certain someone texted me during Northern Downpour, and knowing who it was, I immediately ignored the band for a minute. A text from Lexy had read: “Der, how’s panic?” I smiled at her. Wherever she was.
I messaged back, “Not as good as it would be if you were here.”
“You are the best. You are the best. =) <3” she texted back.

***

As Panic had started playing Mad as Rabbits. Their closing song of the tour and their new album, Kath and I spotted another crowd surfer on top of everyone. In a yellow MCS shirt, and his once straight hair now curled from the humidity and sweat, he wasn’t hard to spot at all. Kenneth was soon being passed to the front and being taken down by a security guard. Kath and I laughed and laughed. It was so like Ken to actually successfully crowd surf like that.
Not a minute later, Ken, had made his way back through the crowd to us. I high-fived him, congratulating him for an awesome surf, and he made his way back to the mosh for the rest of the concert.

The hall cleared out rather quickly after Panic had finished. I hoped for a true encore, which never happened anymore with these kinds of tours. It sickened me that it never did, but I accepted that they had a schedule to maintain. I looked down at my shoes. Remarkably, they were still on my feet and intact. I didn’t see anything wrong with them.

After I had left Katherine with her mother, who was a very overly happy person I must say, and who apparently thinks I’m gay, I called Ken to see if he had made it out. He came out a few seconds later, hoodie in hand and all. We went to a crappy restaurant that was open right next to Metropolis. He had a poutine, and I quietly drank my Fruitopia. He seemed to want to discuss anything about the concert but Kath, and I guess she was just never brought up. We both needed a shower, and when my dad drove Ken home, and finally got me home, I took a very very very long shower at 12:30am. It was the most awesome night of my life, and I very much appreciated to get myself cleaned off. Sweat is not pleasant. Neither are friendships on the rocks.

***

I got a call the next day after school from Katherine. I didn’t expect to hear from her or anything, but she had her reasons. From the moment she spoke, I heard that she was distraught.
“Hello?”
“Hi…” she sighed.
“What’s up, Kath?”
“Nothing… I guess?”
“Uh… Is something wrong?”
“Der, I’m going insane.”
“Panic withdrawal?” I joked. I shouldn’t have.

“That, but there are other things.” She paused for a good moment. “It’s Ken.”
“Yeah, I was going to say something about that. You two seemed pretty into each other last night, but I wasn’t so sure.” I actually wasn’t going to talk about it.
“Yeah, and it’s just that Tina and Greg were with him, and he was saying it was a joke and now I don’t know what to think and I’m really confused and don’t know what to think and I just… I hate this. I hate it. I hate him.”
“Well, I don’t think Ken is that cruel.” I think I was just trying to ease her mind. I still don’t know if he’s that cruel.
“He can be… sort of… I’m talking nonsense really.”
“Have you tried talking to him?”
“Yeah. He doesn’t want to.”
“What did he say?”
“He just didn’t seem to enthusiastic about it all… Like the idea of us is just a simple nothing and that there’s no point of discussing it.”
I sighed and then thought for a second. “Maybe this just isn’t the best of time for him. I mean, he’s been miserable these past few weeks. He was a wreck. He wasn’t even drinking for two weeks. He was really into this other girl at the Scholar, and then she blew it off. He still is kinda depressed. He just doesn’t seem to show it as much.”

“Ugh. I need to talk to him. My insides are being eaten up.”
“This is kinda my fault, isn’t it?”
“Why would it be?”
“I invited you to the concert in the first place.”
“No no no. Mine. I let him get too close, but at the same time, I wanted him to.
“I mean, what if I was just some girl he’d make out with for two weeks and then move on? I feel like I’m being toyed with here… and that I’m –”
“The rebound?”
“Yeah.”
I thought for another second. I remember Katherine always talking about how she really wanted to date some “sane and cute emo guy.” The unlikely combination. For some reasons emos turned her on, but that’s aside the point. “I’m not trying to be mean here, but just reason with me… umm… You need to decide here: Do you actually have feelings for Ken, or is it just desperateness?”
She paused and sighed again. “It might be a mix of the two.” I had thought I’d get such an answer. “But it was like we had something so strong that it never really went away.”

***

Ken and Kath haven’t really spoken to each other since the concert. I’ve spoken to him, but just haven’t mentioned her. I don’t want to anger him. As for Kath, she’s decided to stay away from him completely. Even the mention of his name sets her off. I feel bad. I invited her. She nearly hooked up. And then got tossed out on her ass. But it’s Ken’s stupid decision to do so. Katherine is an awesome girl. How anyone wouldn’t like her in some way, I don’t know. And to play with her emotions like that is really shit of Ken. Maybe one day, he’ll clear his head and realize what he’s missing. I’ve decided to stay away from him for a suspended period of time. Until then, I’ll go hopping around the park and carrying Katherine’s purse for her. I much prefer that to hanging out with assholes that don’t appreciate girls like her.