I Will End This With a Kiss

The rain had never seemed to stop today, it matched the exact mood I was in, sorrow full. I watched as my brother turned around, his tear stained cheeks were very much evident. If only he knew just about how much pain I was going threw this very minute, maybe he did, but I doubted it. Leaning over my older brother reached his tattoo arms out to me and pulled me into a hug.

“I’ll be at home, if yeh’ need meh’.” I watched as he climbed in the car, he was leaving me too. I couldn’t help but let a tear slip down my cheek as my breathing became rigid, and tight in my chest. Felling the warmth of a hand on my cheek, I looked up to see Skye, her best friend, the one, that my heart was aching for.

“There’s no love with out pain Tom.” leaning down I hugged Skye’s body close to mine, and let the tears shed a few at a time. This feeling of being loved, had grown distant, since the day, it was all taken away from me. The knowing that someone cared for me, that needed to be hugged by me. I knew deep down she still thought of me.

Letting go of Skye, I turned around without looking back, threw the automatic doors, and down the brightly lit hall, I’ve been down so many times, I could walk this root, with my eyes closed, and my hands tied behind my back. Left, right, left, right, left, right, turn right, right hand out, push up, stand and wait, left, right, left, turn around, right hand out, push button five, stand and wait. This time it was slightly different, I took my camera out of my pocket and I took a picture, so I could remember what this feeling was like. The feeling of pain, want, and need.

The ding above the door pulled me out of my thoughts, as I again walked threw the brightly lit halls, again I watched as my feet walked on, this hall was my hall to hell, and well her hell too I suppose. The corner of my eye, I could see the nurses with the frowns on their faces, as the whispered to one another, watching me. I didn’t want or need their stares of pity, I wanted to just get in their and lay with her, like I’ve been doing every day for the past few weeks.

I’m came to room six, sixty six, looking into the room, it was almost foreign, the room was almost empty, no machines everywhere, along with the emptiness it was quite, no beeping machines, to drive me or her crazy. Getting closer to the bed, I watched as her eyes were only half open, so I could only see half of her beautiful eyes, clutching as tight as possible to her quilt, sighing, I pushed my shoes off and climbed into bed.

Her pale blue lips slightly chapped, she cracked a small smile, pushing back her long bangs I stared into her beautiful eyes, holding my breath I kissed her slightly, and laid my head in the crook of her neck, taking in her sweet, peppermint, scent, that reminded me so much of Christmas morning, when you take the candy canes of the tree.

Closing my eyes, I felt as if I was a little boy letting my guard down, for my mother, and cuddling up to her, but in this case, I was letting my wall collapse, so I could be here, with her, I didn’t care if she heard me cry, I didn’t care if, she thought of me as weak, I wanted to show her how much I cared for her, and I knew she knew that. I was something great for her, she constantly would remind me, and tell me how much she looked up to me, if only she knew how much I looked up to her.

I felt the warmth of the blanket radiate into my skin, making the familiar feeling of tiredness rush over me, making me close my eyes. I didn’t mean to fall asleep but, I knew I hadn’t slept a full nights rest in months, I hadn’t had more then two hours, in weeks, it felt as if I was being pulled into sleep with her, as the darkness grew darker, I felt as if I was floating.

Taking the last picture of my brothers band, on the coast of Oregon, I kneeled putting my camera back in it’s bag, safely, trying to keep it away from the mixture of sand and water, making it the constancy of much like mud, I felt a kiss on the back of my neck sending chills down my back. Standing, I turned around to see Joy, in her summers plaid dress with a smile on her face, that was catching, because I was soon smiling back.

I watched as she leaned forward, her face was just meters from mine, where she vastly kissed my cheek, and the two words left her mouth softly. “Catch me” she whispered, I watched as she took off running, me shortly behind her, I could hear her giggles, making me laugh, as the sand began to go threw my toes. I watched as she almost tripped, holding my breath, she quickly corrected her self and looked over her shoulder, she waved.

Laughing, I started to pick up speed, the more she giggled, I felt as if I was gaining space, it was almost as if she was my fuel for energy, the one who kept me going, I saw a corner coming into view, trying to get her, I had the grasp on part of her dress, but she tugged, and my hand was to shaky to keep a good grip, she suddenly rounded the corner, and out of site. Picking up my speed once more, I was now around the corner, looking for her, but she was gone.

Slowing down my speed I started to sink into the sand every so often, with water flooding my ankle, it was a grassy area that I had entered, and Joy was no where to be seen, panic began to rise in my chest, I heard no soft giggles anywhere. Making my way more into this private area, I saw a cross, frowning, I walked closer to see a stone, like plate, crushed deeply into the sand, taking my hands, I brushed the lose sand off from around it. Gasping for breath, I felt my heart suddenly had thousands of pounds weighing it down, and being crushed as I re-read the words over and over again.

In loving memory of the girl who stole my heart, and was the best she could have ever been. Joy Lowell-Sykes. November 10, 1988- December 30, 2010.

Turning around I saw the sand castles we only made just hours ago, crawling over I looked at them, it was like the castles you saw in fairytales, the ones in your dreams. These were the houses Joy, once dreamed of living in, when we were older, when she would go far with modeling and taking photo’s with me. It was her dream for us to grow old, with two children, on some far off destination.

Seeing the tide come in, I slowly watch it grow closer to the castles we had built, it would soon tear them down, to be only a memory , from some time ago. Like the sand will forget the castles, I will forget Joy. Something inside me set a fire, I was angry, clutching the sand in my hands, and forming a fist, I quickly raised my hands and threw the sand out into the water. I was now no longer angry, I was furious, how could Joy be taken away from me, only to be made into a memory, that I could forget in due time.

The tears of rage slowly trickled down my cheeks, looking away from the castles that were slowly falling to pieces as my heart was too, I saw the place we had laid down in the sand earlier today, when this area was cleared of greenery, and remembered how we stared up at the clouds, her right hand in my left, it was a perfect moment that I knew I could never forget, that’s when I realized if I couldn’t forget that, how could I ever forget Joy.

It must have been something weird in my mind, but I saw her, laying in the sand, and the figure just like me laying with her, her smile was as bright as the sun, and she looked so happy, as the tears grew from rage, to sorrow, getting up from my the spot in the sand I started to walk out into the sand that had the water washing up, and feel to my knees. Pushing my body forward, I silently rested my head in the shallow water with my arms reached out far, I knew this day was going to come.

I knew Joy was going to die, but in my mind I never expected it to come this fast, like a colds fall day, when just they day before it was in the mid seventies, I felt as everything had grown cold, to match my emotions, I was stone cold, as the tears still feel. I knew I had to set her free but I couldn’t, I loved Joy with all my heart, she was the one who made me a better person, so I stayed in that position, I don’t know how long it was, it may have been minutes, or hours.

Suddenly a breath ran across my right ear, to my cheek, I didn’t want to get up from this spot, but her voice made me. “Tommy, get up. It’s time to awake. Don’t be scared, you’ll be just fine.” her voice grew father away, as my eyes began to open.

Sitting up in the bed, I looked over at Joy, her eyes closed, and her chest standing still, I knew I had just lost her, she was gone, just like she was in my dream, but I knew she wasn’t gone from my heart and mind. I initially thought I would be scared to see life without her, but I couldn’t be, she had taught me how to be the kind person I was, and I knew as long as I didn’t forget those memories at the beach, I would forever remember Joy, for the girl she is, or was.

Leaning down I gave her one final kiss, it wasn’t goodbye, it was I’ll see you later kiss, and kiss to remember that I truly, madly deeply love, her, and I could no longer run away from what had to happen. I had betrayed myself, but I was willing to forgive.