Wandering

We stood there in a hug that felt like it would never end. I didn't want it to end. I could go to Caroline with anything. Out of all my sibblings, she was the one who was most like me. We were like one soul in two people. We finally went inside and took showers. Once we were cleaned we fell right asleep.
Car was out in what felt like ten seconds. I, on the other hand, cried myself to sleep. I had the worst dream. My grandfather was constantly hitting all of us, with chairs and the couch and anything that would hurt. I pretty much jumped out of the bed. The noise even woke up Car. I told her about my nightmare and she let me sleep with her. I wasn't shocked that I had that dream. I knew I would be having those kind of dreams for a long time. I heard a scream right as I was almost asleep. Carie and I got out of bed and found out that it was Mare.
“Marissa, honey what is it? Did you have a bad dream?” I asked.
“Yeah. I was getting hit by grandpa. No one else was getting hit. Just me. And all of you guys were laughing. And I was scared.” As Mare said this, she was crying.
“Come on. I will get you a glass of water. And if your still scared. I will sleep out here with you.” I replied. I love her but sometimes she needs a mom.
I felt that on this adventure, I had to take charge. With being a leader, mom, friend, theripist, aunt, grandma, and rolemodel. I wanted to do it all with the help of my favorite sister Carie. We all finally got some sleep and we woke up around eight o’ clock in the morning. We all met in room 102 for breakfast. Everyone started eating and Caroline and Kristina pulled me outside.

“We want to to take charge on this trip. We think you know what you’re doing.” Kris said in a hushed tone.
“But I don’t. I don’t have a clue where we’re going. Or what will happen.” I replied in a hushed tone that was lower than theirs.
“That is why you have us. We will help you whenever you need it. Please.” Carie rebuttled.
“Fine l’ll do it.” I had to give in eventually.

We walked in like nothing was impossible. I felt like I was on top of the world. Nothing was going stop us from retriving what I wanted.

“Can I have your attention please. I want you to write on a small piece of paper who you want to be the leader of this trip. We won’t get far without someone in charge.”

I saw everyone quickly write who they wanted and put in the center of the table. Carie, Kris and I took the papers onto the bed and made piles for each person. By the time we went through each paper, there was only one pile. Mine. I felt that I was the leader, not just someone who had taken charge. But a person who people wanted to take charge. I was proud that my family belived in me.

“It looks like everyone wants me to lead this adventure. I will do my best. But remember, by putting my name on that paper, you put full trust in me. I trust you. I want the first two people who get done eating to go outside and wait for either Caroline or I. Out there we will talk to you about why you’re scared. I am scared too. I want to go back. Again at the same time, to go back is dangerous. To stay is dangerous. But together we will make it. I love and trust all of you. If you put trust in eachother, and put trust in me, I won’t let you down.”
“I trust you.” Marie called.
“Me too.” Jason said in his cute little six year old voice.

The whole room felt full of joy and happiness. I saw their faces as they finished eating. They were the same faces they had when I spoke the previous day. Marie was the first to finish. Even though she was one of my favorite younger sibblings to talk to, I didn’t want to see her right know. I thought that she was the reason for us being here. I take some blame, but right know I couldn’t look at ther right now.

“Dev do you want to talk to me or Kayla?” Dina always offered people choices.
“I want Kayla!” Sam called from across the room. I thought Yes. This means I won’t have to talk to Marie.
“ Sure. Car I want you to go into room 101 I will be in room 103. I want everyone who wants to talk to Carie to sit on this bed when you get done eating. And everyone who wants to talk to me to sit on this bed when you get done eating. Once you get done talking to the person who you want. Talk to the other. We both need to know how you feel so we know what to do.” I took Sam to the next room over. She looked happy that I was talking to her.

“So Mare, Why are you scared?” I asked.
“Well, and I don’t want to sound negative, but I don’t think we can do it. I think that grandma and grandpa are gonna find us and take us back home and”
“And what? You know I won’t make fun of you. So you can tell me anything.” I wanted to make her feel as comfortable as possible.
“And pretty much hit and work us to death.” She started crying. I never could stand to see her cry.
“Marissa, I promise you that will never happen. I won’t let anything bad happen to us. Now I want you to go back and have Kristina give you a shower. All of us need to get cleaned up.”
“Ok. Thanks Kay. You rock.” She made me feel like I could do this. I walked her over to Car and I tradded her for Marie. I really didn’t want to talk to her right now. I figured I could suck it up and let it go.
“I hate this. I want to go back. I don’t want to go back. I want to be safe. I have no clue what to do.” May said all of that in less than ten seconds. That was the fastest she ever talked.
“May. I love you. And I want whats best for you. But I can’t tell you what to do with you emotions. Lets try something. There are two roads infront of you. Road one has all of us at the other end. Road two has grandma and grandpa at the other end. Which do you go down?” Before my mom died, this visualization helped me go through a lot of tough decisions.
“Road one.” She said with a sigh.
“Great know your safe. I want to tell you something.”
“What?” She had a scared but curious look on her face.
“Everywhere we end up might not have a motel. We might end up sleeping in the woods or on the side of a street. But no matter where we are, there will always be an older person with you. And I promise that I will try not to loose my cool, but when I do…” I pasued, “It’s because I love you.” I wanted her to know that because she needs to know certain things in advance. I didn’t want her to throw a fit when something didn’t go the way she had hoped.

“Hey, I need to take a shower before we leave.” She said with an innocent look on her face.

I walked her back to the room to take a shower. I called the next person to come and talk to me. That person was my older brother, Kevin. I was shocked that he wanted to talk to me first and not Caroline. The reason for that probably was that the two of them had a huge fight before we left home.

“Kev, why did you pick me first. I mean Carie is older.” I said. I really had no clue.
“I chose you for leadership didn’t I.” he said with a slight laugh. We had a different kind of brother/sister relationship. I loved to be around him.
“Whatever I don’t care. So, spill you guts.” I said. I felt like I wasn’t trying to find out what to do, but just to find things out.
“I honestly don’t think we can do this. I think that with thriteen people we won’t be able to. I have faith in you. I chose you because you seem like the only one who keeps their head out of the clouds.” The way he said that made feel like I finally had a place on this neverending night mare.
“Like I said, if you have faith in me, you put faith in everyone. At times I think this is the most hectic family ever. I love this family and we need to stay positive.” I had to straighten him out this time. I mean he knew what I was going to say. He knew that what he said was mean and rude, but again I feel the same way sometimes, “Now go take a shower or talk to Car. You need to suck it up and speak to her. GO!”

He went without even a fight. I love it when he gives in. I went back and retrived Andrew from the cramped room. I would have Andy give himself a shower in the room that I was talking to everyone indivually. The reason is because there was water constantly running in room 102. So a shower in room 101 wouldn’t hurt.
When I got Andy he told me that he was scraed of what will happen to us as we go through this. Mike was scared that we would starve and die. I promised him that that wouldn’t happen. Eric was praying that our mom was with us. I told him that even though I’m his sister, I would act as best I could to be mother. Emma was scared that we would crumble and fall apart as a family. Kris was scared that she herself, wouldn’t make it. Lilli, Jason, and Frank all said that they were scared that grandma and grandpa would find us. Underneath it all, everyone was scared of that exact samething.