WonderLand

"You see, around here, the Caterpillar is the resident Prophet, Seer, Future-Scryer, and all around go-to guy for information on the Great Unknown." Hatter explained, waving a gloved hand carelessly in the air.

"It's the herbs he smokes- steeped in the ancient Magic that WonderLand sprung out of, longer ago than anyone can remember." Hare added in a mellow-dramatic stage whisper, leaning in towards me with wide eyes and sticking his elbow in the butter dish.

"Hookah." The Dormouse explained groggily.

"Er, well, yes." The Hatter looked a tad uncomfortable, and nervously adjusted his bow tie. "But while it gives everyone else an unmemorably fun night and a terrible hangover the morning after, the Caterpillar gets visions."

I admit, this did peak my interest. I rested my elbows on the table- making sure to avoid any butter dishes as I did so.

"Of the future?" I pressed, curiously. If I knew exactly what the prophecy was, I could make sure to do just the opposite of what it foretold.

"Sometimes." Hare replied, airly, wiping his buttery sleeve on a piece of toast- which was then promptly dunked into a pot of tea.

"Sometimes of the past." Hatter added, wrestling the tea pot from Hare and pouring it's contents over the table.

"Or present." Hare said. I shifted my chair slightly, so the hot tea now cascading over the table edge didn't stain my dress.

"Or a strange combination of the three." Hatter finished, with a mysterious air.

"Or sometimes he just thinks he's got superpowers and takes off all his clothes." The Dormouse cut in, effectively ruining any sense of mood Hatter and Hare were attempting to build.

"But usually it's the prophecy thing." Hare said firmly, casting the Dormouse a disapproving glare.

"But what about me- I mean Alice- then? You said that was just an educated guess." I reminded them, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning back. I refused to be distracted this time. Or at least, I sincerely hoped so. It was so terribly easy to get off track in this place.
Hatter sighed, and adjusted his hat slightly. I was beginning to recognize his pattern of fidgeting when he was about to say something he'd rather not.

"Well, the thing is, we know-" He began.

"We think we know," Hare cut in sharply.

"That a girl-" Hatter.

"Possibly a boy, we suppose- you know, we don't discriminate," Hare.

"By the name of Alice-" Hatter. Call me crazy, but I was noticing a pattern here.

"Or a variation thereof," Hare- Seriously, they were as bad as Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee.

"Will come to WonderLand and bring an end to the oppressive rule of the Queen of Hearts." Hatter. Worse even, if that were possible.

"Well, technically the Caterpillar's words were, 'And then stuff is going to get really weird, and people will probably die and stuff, and somehow she'll tie into what will become of this godforsaken place, so we should think about getting her on our side before the Queen finds out she's arrived.'." Hare finished, and I decided it was indeed not only possible, but true.

"...That isn't terribly specific." I dropped my head into my hands, exasperatedly. "'People will die and stuff'? What is that supposed to mean?" I groaned.

"Um... I think it means that people will, er, die and stuff." Hare explained helpfully. I glared at him.

"I know what it means." I snapped. "But what has that got to do with me? I'm not going to kill anyone."

The Hare hmphed. "You should say what you mean," He scolded, though he sounded chastised.

"I do!" I protested. "I'm the only one who does in this upside-down dream!" I contemplated banging my head repeatedly on the table.

"So you say what you mean-" Hare sniffed.

"But do you mean what you say?" Hatter finished, tapping his spoon on the table top sharply.

"I- of course! Well... they're the same thing, anyways." I frowned, frustrated.

"Not the same thing a bit!" Hatter exclaimed, slapping his hand down on the table, and knocking over his thankfully empty tea cup on the process. "Why, you might as well say that 'I see what I eat' is the same thing as 'I eat what I see'!" He poured Hare some more tea, even though his cup was already full. I wondered if normal tea parties were always this... wet.

"You might just as well say," Added Hare, "That-"
But I'd had enough. The conversation was drifting again, and I wanted answers, once and for all.

"Yes yes, I know, that 'I like what I get' is the same thing as 'I get what I like', yadda yadda yadda. Stop trying to distract me." I interrupted him angrily, waving his words away.

"More tea?" Hare blinked innocently at me.

"No!" He poured me some anyways. With an exasperated huff, I pushed back my chair and jumped to my feet. "If you two don't stop acting so ridiculous, I'll leave!" I threatened hotly. The both of them suddenly went very quiet.

"...Right now?" Hatter asked after a moment.

"Right now." I narrowed my eyes at him.

"The Queen might find you," Hare warned.

"I don't care." I replied, as firmly as possible. Hatter and Hare exchanged a slightly worried look.

"You should pro'bly do as the girl says," The Dormouse yawned, effort-fully pulling himself up into his abandoned chair. Hare absently balanced a milk jug on the Dormouse's head. "She won't be of any good if she's gone." He took the milk jug from his head, and used it as a pillow. Hatter sighed, lifted up his top hat slightly revealing a shock of dark hair, and scratched his forehead.

"All right, all right. Whatever Alice wants, then." He said, sounding rather put out. "Er, what exactly is it you want, then?"

"I want to know what is really going on here. Who the Queen is, why you are rebelling, what part you want me to play in this, and above all- how am I going to get back home when all of this is done?" I replied, laying my terms flat out on the table. Metaphorically, of course. There wasn't enough room left on the table to do it literally.

"All of that?" Hatter said, rather pitifully.

"All of it." I replied, unmoved. Hatter sighed in defeat, and then rose smoothly to his feet, gesturing at my abandoned chair.

"If you wish. Have a seat, then." He picked up a teapot with three spouts. "More tea?"

"No."

He replaced the teapot, and sat back down.
"Well, the Queen of Hearts is more or less the ruler of all of WonderLand-has been for ages- except for the forest, of course. She is a resolutely urban creature- that's why we've set up shop here."

"She caused us no end of trouble before," Hare added sourly. "Always making us testify at her trials and play croquet."

"A nuisance." The Dormouse snored.

"So... you're trying to overthrow her from her throne... because she was mildly demanding?" I asked, raising an eyebrow incredulously. Hatter shrugged.

"Well that; and the fact that she had the previous rulers- the White Queen and the Red Queen- and their court brutally murdered in her coup d'état and burned the old site of their palace to the ground, sowing the land with salt so nothing living could ever grow in the cursed place ever again; and now uses it as the site for her public executions for anyone who dares oppose her, or wears clashing colors." He added casually.

"...Ah," was all I really managed.

"So Hare and I," Hatter went on, unconcernedly.

"And me!" The Dormouse added indignantly.

"And the Dormouse," Hatter revised good naturedly, "Knowing about that prophecy rumor that was floating around, decided a rebellion was in order. We've simply been biding our time, waiting for you to show up, so we could sweep in, end the Queen's oppressive rule, and restore order to WonderLand!" Hatter finished emphatically.

"Or assume power ourselves and become power-crazed dictators." Hare added thoughtfully.

"We haven't really decided which route to go with." Hatter shrugged.

"Oh, I much prefer the first one," I said hastily.

"Really?" Hatter coked his head to the side, ponderously.

"Oh yes. Much." I nodded.

"Well, without you, we haven't a hope for either." Hatter went on, frowning at me. "Who's ever side you're on is the side that is going to prevail in the end. So we're terribly lucky we got to you first."

"Oh yes," I began slowly, thinking. "You needn't worry; I won't be joining the Queen's side."

"Oh Jolly good!" Hare cried, tossing his third teacup into the air in his excitement.

"And I won't be joining yours either."

That made them stop and look at me, their faces masks of surprise. The tea cup hit the ground and clattered, the sound of breaking china the only noise in the otherwise silent room.

"What?" Hatter gaped.

"I'm not joining either side. I'm not fighting. This sounds like a war, even if you are all mad as hatters. No offense," I added apologetically.

"None taken." Hatter assured me.

"This isn't my world, and it most certainly isn't my war. I'm not even really Alice, no matter what you all say. And if this really is my dream, then it doesn't matter if I fight or not, because I'll just wake up in the end. So no matter which way you look at it, I'm not getting involved." I pulled the ribbon out of my hair and re-tied it into a tight ponytail. "But until I do actually wake up, I'd very much appreciate it if you would be so kind as to show me the way back home."

Hatter and Hare exchanged a look.

"But Alice," Hatter began, his eyes deceptively, innocently wide.

"Alex!" I snapped.

"Alice, I don't think you understand. You can't go home, not until we've won the revolt." He said. I groaned in frustration- how many times did I have to tell them I wasn't going to get involved before they got it through their thick, hatted heads?

"But you said-" I started with forced patience, but Hatter interrupted me almost immediately.

"No, you misunderstand me." He said, shaking his head. "The doorway that leads back to your world is always open to you. You just need to step through it. The problem is, the only Looking Glass still in existence is in the Queen's own bedchamber."