WonderLand

More than an hour later, I found myself heatedly pacing up and down the small but ostentatiously decorated bedchamber Hatter and Hare had so graciously provided for me.
In case you hadn't picked up on that, that was sarcasm.

I had argued myself silly with Hatter and Hare, but all I had gotten out of it was a headache and hot tea spilled all down my dress. They had insisted that the only way for me to get home was through the Looking Glass, and the only Looking Glass was in the Queen's Castle, and the only way to get the Looking Glass out of the Queen's Castle was to win the rebellion and kick her to the curb. Contrarily, I insisted that if we all just sat down like civilized people and talked this out, we could solve this whole mess and get me home in no time.
They didn't fall for it.
After much deliberation, and quite a bit of cursing on my part, it was decided that for now, the best course of action was for me to remain at the Tea Shoppe while Hatter and Hare put in a word to their contact in the Queen's Court to find out about the exact circumstances surrounding the whereabouts and conditions of the Looking Glass. Until then, I was stuck.

Hatter and Hare had politely given me a room to stay in for the time being, and despite my extreme displeasure with the entire situation, I was grateful I had an actual bed to sleep in. The room, already small, was made even more crowded by the huge four poster bed, complete with gold satin sheets and a crimson duvet; a magnificent mahogany carved wardrobe and matching vanity; and a long, low table pushed up against one wall and neatly set out with a fine array of tea things. This I ignored completely- I didn't think I could handle any more tea without being sick.
Despite the comfort of the room, I was far from happy. I'd already run a small rut in the lush cream carpet, and my head was still so spinning with the day's events that any thoughts of sleep were out of the question.

"You really oughtn't pace so," A voice suddenly spoke up, making me stop dead in my tracks, "It's making me terribly dizzy."

I looked wildly around for the owner of the voice, but saw no one. I was alone in the room.

"Um, excuse me?" I said hesitantly.

"You're excused." The voice replied. Still I saw no one.

"Erm, who said that, if you don't mind me asking?" I asked, figuring it would be best to be polite to someone who was invisible, or at least very well hidden.

"I did, of course." The voice replied, with a touch of hurt in its tone. "You don't see anyone else around here, do you?"

I cleared my throat awkwardly. "Well, that's just it," I began apologetically, "I don't see anyone around here. Expect for me."

"Well I never!" The voice said with indignation. "This is because I'm a doorknob, isn't it? Us doorknobs are never noticed! People just use us, twisting us this way and that without so much as a thank you! Do you know how uncomfortable to have your nose twisted upside-down or to have little pieces of metal shoved into your mouth without warning? You people would find that we would open just as well if you'd only ask politely. But no. Nobody ever thinks of the doorknob!"

"Oh-- I-I'm terribly sorry!" I said in reply to the voice's sudden rant. I had long since pinpointed the owner of the voice to indeed be the doorknob of the door to the room. The keyhole acted as its mouth, making little grating sounds of metal-on-metal as it squeaked open and shut while the doorknob spoke. I hasted across the room and dropped to my knees in front of it, so we were at eye level. At least, I hoped we were-- it didn't exactly have eyes to speak of. "I didn't mean to offend you, it's just, where I come from, doorknobs don't usually... talk," I tried to explain.

"Have you ever talked to them?" It replied huffily.

"I... er, well... no, not exactly," I said, a little flustered. I had the funny feeling I was about to loose another nonsensical argument.

"Well maybe you'd find they have a lot more to say if you would ask them." The doorknob said, in a tone of finality.

There was a moment of awkward silence, and after a minute or so I rose to my feet, brushing nonexistent dust from my dress.

"Ahem. Well then. I suppose I had better get to bed." I said, a little stiffly.

"You'll find nightclothes in the wardrobe." The doorknob replied shortly.

"Ah. Er, thank you." I replied. I shuffled over to the wardrobe, figuring it would be better to just take the doorknobs advice than risk upsetting it again. I pulled the wardrobe doors open, and gasped.
Inside were more clothes than I had ever seen at one time- except maybe for the clown's costume trunk. I brightened for a second, realizing that this meant I wouldn't have to wear the now rather muddy, soggy, and tea covered dress I had arrived in. But as a second glance at the ample amount of lace and fabric revealed that every article of clothing inside the wardrobe was a dress, my spirits fell again. I had been rather looking forward to putting on a pair of comfortable pants again. Running around a forest in a dress had proved difficult earlier, and I had the feeling I would wind up in a similar situation in the near future.
But there was nothing for it, it was the dresses or nothing. At least I wouldn't have to worry about getting dressed until tomorrow. With a sigh, I rummaged through the wardrobe until I found a nightgown-- one of those old fashioned ones that reached the floor, and was covered in lace and little bows. It itched like crazy, but it felt so good to be out of my wet, dirty dress that I hardly noticed.

I left my old clothes folded neatly on the chair of the vanity and gratefully climbed into the four poster bed, feeling more relaxed than I had in a long while as I lay my head down on the soft, feather-down pillow.

"Pardon me," The doorknob suddenly piped up as I was mid-yawn. "If you don't mind me asking, you don't happen to be Alice, are you?"

"Mm. No, I'm not." I replied, rolling over to my side and pulling the thick comforter up to my chin. "I'm Alex. But everyone seems to think I'm Alice anyways."

"Oh. Pity. We could really use a hero, you know." The doorknob remarked.

"So I've heard." I yawned, closing my eyes. "But I'm not really the hero type."

"Well, I certainly hope for your sake that everyone else agrees; otherwise you're in for quite the adventure, Miss Alex." I heard the doorknob thoughtfully remark, just as I fell asleep.

♥ ♥ ♥

There were forty-two dresses in the wardrobe. Forty-two, and each was worse than the last. Half of them would have needed an entourage of at least three people to actually put on, what with all the corsets and hoop-skirts and undercarriages and all the other bells and whistles some overly enthusiastic seamstress had stuck in bizarre places among the lace and ribbons; and the other half were barely recognizable as dresses at all.
After fighting with something that had too many holes for the head and tried to kill me once I put it on the next morning, I finally settled on the least complicated-- and least homicidal --dress of the lot.

It was almost something out of an old fashioned story book itself; light blue with pretty white lace trim, far too short for my liking, with comically puffy short sleeves. As I gazed at my reflection with dismay in the vanity mirror, I couldn't help but feel that I did look and awful lot like Alice in that silly dress.

"At least my hair is brown." I said bitterly under my breath, tying it up out of my face. Alice dress or not, it was better than my poorly abused Magician's Assistant costume, which looked as if it were in need of an honorable discharge as it sat sadly in a crumpled heap on a chair. Even so, I made a mental note to remember to ask Hatter and Hare for something a little more reasonable to go galumphing across a bizarre dream-world in the first chance I got.

Fortunately for me, I didn't have very long to wait. No sooner had I pulled my shoes on, than the doorknob-- which had, until now remained mostly silent save for a few remarks on which dress he preferred-- gave a light cough, and announced in a professional tone, "Miss Alex, Humpty Dumpty is out in the hallway and requests your presence."

"Does he?" I replied with a slight frown.

"Yes. He says Hatter and Hare wish for you to spend Brillig with them." The Doorknob went on.

"Brillig?" I asked, a little suspiciously.

"Four o' clock in the afternoon. Tea Time." The Doorknob explained.

"But it isn't four o' clock yet," I protested.

"It's always four o' clock here, my dear." The Doorknob replied. I sighed, and stood up, crossing the room.

"I suppose I'd better go, then." I approached the door, and paused, remembering the rebuke I'd suffered the night before. "Erm, excuse me, please," I said to the doorknob, with a curtsy.

"You're excused," The Doorknob replied in a satisfied tone, and the door swung open on it's own accord. On the other side stood Humpty Dumpty, in all his gloomy glory.

"Are you quite ready then?" He asked, as rude as ever.

"Quite." I replied, tersely.

Humpty humphed, and spun on his heel and began marching down the hallway, leaving me to trail behind him. We traversed down the long, empty hallways in an awkward silence for a while until I started to feel a little guilty. I didn't think it was a terribly good idea to make enemies in this place, and I certainly wasn't on good terms with Humpty. So in an effort to make amends, I attempted to strike up a conversation with my escort.

"What a beautiful belt you've got on!" I said, noticing the scarlet belt embroidered in gold thread around his waist. It was the only thing even remotely fancy on his person, and I guessed it might illicit some response out of him. What I didn't expect was for him to abruptly halt in the middle of the hallway and spin around to face me, looking thoroughly offended, and I began to wish I hadn't chosen that subject.

"This, child," He glowered, pointing to the belt, "Is not a belt, as you so wrongly surmise. It is a cravat."

"A... a cravat?" I repeated, unsure if I heard right. "But aren't cravats worn around the neck?" I asked warily.

"It is a--most--provoking--thing," He growled, fingering his belt, or cravat, or whatever it was, "when a person doesn't know a cravat from a belt!"

I opened my mouth to argue that I did know a cravat from a belt and that he was the one who was mistaken, but the expression on his face made me bit the retort back. "I know it's very ignorant of me," I said instead through clenched teeth. I didn't want him to stomp off in a huff and leave me stranded in the middle of the castle, so I minded my tongue.

"It is a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. It was a present from the White King and Queen. There now!" He replied, relenting a little.

"Is it really?" I went on, genuinely interested. Here was another mention of WonderLand's past rulers- the ones the Queen of Hearts had had killed in her rise to power.

"They gave it to me," Humpty explained, pausing to wipe a stray tear from the corner of his eye as he recalled the long past kindness, "They gave it to me-- for an un-birthday present.

"...An... un-birthday present?" I repeated. "What on earth is an un-birthday present?"

"A present given when it isn't your birthday, of course!" Humpty replied as if it were obvious. I thought about this for a moment.

"But then, isn't everyday but your birthday your Un-Birthday?" I asked, perplexed.

"Exactly!" Humpty said with enthusiasm. "Now you're getting it!"

"I'm afraid I'm not," I disagreed, wrinkling up my nose. "But then, I'm not getting much of anything lately."

Humpty sighed and shook his head. "Ask Hatter and Hare about it-- they'll explain it to you. I hope, at any rate. You really are so dense."

"Hey!" I protested indignantly.

"I don't know how you're supposed to be the Savior of WonderLand," Humpty went on as if I hadn't spoken, turning around and marching back down the hall. "You're not terribly bright, nor terribly remarkable."

"I am so remarkable!" I shot back, hastening to catch up with him. "I can juggle, for one thing!"

"No, you're so exactly like other people," Humpty replied, shaking his egg-shaped head. "You're face is the same as everybody else has. Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of the nose, for instance-- or the mouth at the top-- that would be some help."

"I don't see how the positioning of my facial features have anything to do with my being a hero. Not that I'm a hero-- because I'm not! Besides, it would look silly." I argued hotly. Humpty stopped in his tracks abruptly again,and I nearly tripped over him. He fixed me with a stern glare.

"Wait till you've tried." Was all he said. He reached out and pulled open a plain looking door set into the wall and pushed me through it, slamming it shut behind me.