WonderLand

It wasn't until I was deep in the forest and thoroughly lost that I stopped running, and hopelessly threw myself onto a rotting tree stump in a small clearing to contemplate the situation I had gotten myself into.

At this point, things made very little sense, and the more I tried to make sense of it all, the more hopelessly confused I became. The Dodo and Bill, the fall, the ocean, the stupid rabbit, none of it added up. I dropped my head into my hands and groaned.

Rabbit. That white rabbit. The man in the white suit. He's who started all of this, I was sure. Somehow all of this was his fault, I thought viciously. When I found him...

There was a sudden noise from somewhere out of sight. I stood up quickly, my heart pounding. If it was the Dodo-

But it wasn't. At that moment, two men stepped out from behind the trees, into view in the clearing.

They were identical down to the last hair on their heads, dressed in shockingly red suits with garishly yellow ties, except for the small gold pins on their lapels. The man on the right had a pin that spelled out the word "Dee", and the one of the left had one that read "Dum".

They had curiously round faces, almost childlike, though they had to be in their mid twenties at least. Their bright blue eyes inspected me fiercely, but they said nothing. In fact, after they had stepped out before me, they didn't even move. I myself was shocked into silence and stared back, unsure of what to do.

"Uh..." I said slowly. They didn't reply; they didn't even blink. I glanced around. Apart from Dee and Dum, I was quite alone. I looked back at them. They were frowning now, as if deeply trouble. Another silent, motionless minute went by, and I was wondering what would happen if I just walked away, when the one marked "Dum" suddenly spoke.

"If you think we're wax works, you ought to pay, you know. Wax works weren't made to be looked at for nothing, no how!"

"Contrariwise," Added the one marked "Dee", "If you think we're alive, you ought to speak."

"Oh... I'm sorry," Was all I could think to say. "I'm just a little confused, I've had a rather strange day." I began, tentatively. Their eyes never wavered from me. I felt like I was being stared at an awful lot lately, and I didn't think I liked it. "Actually, I was wondering if you could help me out. Could you tell me where I am, exactly?"

The men cast each other looks with raised eyebrows.

"You've begun wrong." Dum said, cocking his head to one side. "You're supposed to introduce yourself and shake hands first thing."

"Contrariwise, if you don't wish to become acquainted, then you should dismiss yourself politely and be on your way." Dee added.

"Uh, sure," I said, not sure what they were getting at. "I'm Alex," I stuck out my hand, but neither of the men took it. When I said my name, their eyes suddenly grew very wide, and they began nudging each other and exchanging very animated looks.

"Well then, I guess," I said finally, turning to leave. "If you can't help me, I guess I'll be on my way then-"

"Wait a moment," Dum called, making me stop. "No need to dash off in a hurry. You haven't anywhere to go after all."

I turned to look suspiciously back at the men. "And how do you know that?" I asked.
"If you had somewhere to go, you wouldn't be here." Dee said with a shrug.

"This isn't the place people come when they have places to go." Dum added knowledgeably.
"This is the place people come if they haven't anywhere to go at all." Dee cut in.

"Unless they are coming here, then they go somewhere else." Dum finished. I shook my head, nearly going cross eyed with bemusement.

"Er, I don't think I quite follow. But it doesn't matter- can you tell me where I am or not?" I insisted, not wanting to waste any more time with these two loons if I didn't have to.

"Or not." Dee said decisively. I bit down hard on the nasty word I wanted to shoot them.

"Fine then. I'll go find someone who can." I turned again, but again Dum called after me.

"Unless..." He trailed off, suggestively. I turned back with a wary eye.

"Unless what?" I asked.

"We know someone who can," Dum said, looking bright eyed at Dee.

"Who can tell me where I am?" I tried to verify.

"Among other things." Dee shrugged. I sighed a sigh of relief.

"Oh good. Where are they?" I asked.

"We can take you to them," Dum said, raising his eyebrows at me. I faltered. I was already almost kidnapped once, and I wasn't about to let myself fall into the same situation again.

"Can't they come here?" I pressed, but Dee was shaking his head.

"We're afraid not. You must go to them."

"In that case, I think I'll manage," I replied sourly.

"You really must go, they've been waiting for you for so long," Dum cut in hurriedly.

"It's not polite to keep people waiting, you know," Dee added.

"What? They've been waiting for me?" I repeated, more than a little nervously.

"For as very long time." Dum affirmed.

"But I didn't even know I was coming here- how did they?" I pressed, edging backwards slightly. A look of annoyance flashed over Dee's face.

"It's not our job to know that. Now please, come along." He said, coldly.

"Contrariwise," Dum added. Dee shot him an icy look. "Then don't get out of order," Dum scolded, and continued. "Contrariwise, if you don't come, we'll have to take you."

So much for that whole "Not getting kidnapped" thing. I glanced around, looking for anywhere I could make a quick exit to. I thought I could loose them quickly enough in the forest, but if they tried to grab me before I could get under the cover of the trees...

"So, are you going to come," Dee pressed.

"Or are you going to make us do something very impolite?" Dum finished.

"Tweedles, are you harassing wayward girls again?" Came a level, cool voice from behind me.

I whirled around, and saw another young man, only a few years older than I was, leaning calmly against a tree on the edge of the clearing. Like Dee and Dum, he was dressed in a fine suit, and like Dee and Dum, it's color was offensive to the eye. But instead of being red and yellow, his suit was purple, and his tie was pink. He also wore a trilby hat, which was just as purple as his suit, and was tilted at a rakish angle on his head.

"And who are you?" I demanded, not the least bit in the mood to deal with another psycho trying to abduct me. The man however only grinned at me- a grin that seemed a little bit too wide, and showed a little bit too many of his teeth- and doffed his hat.

"The Cat, ma'am," He said with a small bow. "The Cheshire Cat."

The Cat.

"You'll regret that, my pet! If the Jabberwocky doesn't get you, the Cat will! Sooner or later, they'll have you!"

That was what the Dodo had called after me when I ran away. I glanced up at the young, rather attractive-- if strangely dressed-- man before me. I don't believe in coincidences.

"In that case, I'm definitely leaving." I spat, and spun on my heels to march away. To my vast surprise, however, suddenly the man was at my side, grabbing me by my arm and preventing me from effectively marching anywhere.

"Oh come now, Doll, they don't mean any harm. The Tweedles' are just a little over eager is all, no need to go scurrying off." He implored, gazing down at me through very green eyes. I ripped my arm out of his grasp.

"Over eager? I'm being willfully assaulted!" I snarled. The man sighed, and turned to Dum and Dee, who stood next to each other, looking rather uncomfortable.

"All right you two, get out of here," He demanded, waving them away. Dee and Dum exchanged glances, but didn't move.

"But Cat-" Dee began, but the Cheshire Cat interrupted him.

"I must have something in my ear." He said, cupping a hand around his ear experimentally. "I thought I heard you arguing with me, but I know that can't be right."

Dum ground his teeth and Dee looked as if he had bitten into a lemon, but with a final, bitter look at me, they turned on their heels and slunk back under the cover of the trees, out of sight.

I followed their example.

"Wait wait wait!" The Cheshire Cat called after me, hopping around until he blocked my way.

"Excuse me," I said in mock politeness, and tried to duck past him. He was too quick though, and somehow managed to spin me around again, so I was back where I started. I glared at him. "Would you please let me go, or do you plan to add your number to the ranks of people who had attempted to kidnap me today?" I glowered. I figured it was best to know now, rather than find out when he tried to carry me off. The man put his hands up in the air, defensively.

"I'm not trying to kidnap anyone," He said with a straight face. "I don't even know who you are."

"Your friend's sure seemed keen on the idea," I spat, jerking my thumb in the direction.

"Them? Friends? You insult me, Doll. Acquaintances, at best." He said, with a crooked grin.

"I don't care whether they are friends, acquaintances, or your fiances', I'm still leaving." I shot, giving him a look that dared him to try to stop me. He took that dare, quite happily.

"Oh come now," He grinned. "You can't blame me for those two. They haven't enough combined sense to fill a tea spoon. I haven't even the foggiest why they... waylaid you."

I searched his face, carefully. He still smiled inanely at me, but I couldn't read his eyes. If he knew Dee and Dum, which he seemed to, odds were he'd find out what was going on eventually, so there wasn't any point in lying.

"They were going to take me to someone who could tell me where I am. Someone, they said, who had been waiting for me." I explained, sourly. The Cheshire Cat's eyebrows creeped upwards, and his smile seemed to flicker.

"Were they now? Curious." He mused. Then he seemed to snap out of it, and his disconcertingly wide grin was plastered back on his face. "And what did you say your name was?" He asked, as innocently as you could imagine.

"I didn't say." I replied, sharply.

"Then now would certainly be a good time to do so." The Cat shot back, as quick as thought. He was already getting on my nerves, but there was nothing for it.

"My name is Alex," I conceded with a shrug. He'd find out sooner or later anyways.
"Alice?" He asked, his eyes flashing suddenly. I frowned.

"No, Alex." I enunciated, emphasizing on the X. There was a pause, during which the man considered me carefully.

"Well then, Alice," He said, clasping his hands together in a steepled arch.
"Alex!" I cut in, annoyed.

"Alice, what pray tell, are you doing way out here, all by your lonesome?" He finished, ignoring my outburst. I glared at him.

"Trying to get away from all you lunatics." I replied, a tad huffily. To my surprise, he threw back his head and laughed.

"I'm afraid you can't do that, my dear," He replied, still giggling at some inside joke.
"And why not?" I demanded, crossing my arms over my chest.

"We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." He said, the corner of his mouth twitching a little. I rose an eyebrow sarcastically at him.

"And how do you know I'm mad?" I asked.

"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."

"But I didn't mean to come here! I don't even know where I am!" I said, nearly tearing my hair out with frustration. The Cheshire Cat looked at me in mock surprise.

"Why, my dear Alice, you're in WonderLand." He grinned.