Manic

It was like being punched in the stomach.
A gush of air blew out of my mouth, and i was on my knees.
The swing hit me in the back of my head, so i crawled forward onto the grass.
In an instant, the pretty colours, the new tastes, the smells. Gone. My happiness. Gone.

I suppose i expected it to happen. I knew it was coming, but that didn't ease the pain at all. I wanted it back, now... But that would be impossible.
I let my head fall into the grass and cried.

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My eyes opened. Wetness, darkness.
It was night. Shit. I had fallen asleep, and now it was raining. I was drenched.
My heart ached for the mania that had recently left me. I felt so empty without it, so sad, so hopeless.
I lifted myself off of the grass and wiped the tears out of eyes, i started on my way home, hugging my arms around my sides. To keep my insides from falling out all over the pavement.

Around me were the houses of many familys, many normal familys. Who, at this time of night, were probably sitting around the table to a normal family dinner, with a normal conversation.
School, work, paying the bills. What more was there to worry about?
They'd go to bed tonight, content with their lives, their minds fussing over small problems. Problems i would trade for mine any day.
I tried to stop thinking about those familys. It only made me sadder, only more angry.
Why couldn't everyone share their pain? It was too uneven, surely. The people i saw around me every day looked so happy... And even a glance at my reflection made my stomach turn.

Maybe i was just weak...

Maybe everyone had to same pain as me, but they could deal with it better?
God i'm so selfish... That must be it. I'm just weak.
Fuck, i don't even..
I don't even deserve to live...
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
The tears came stronger. I hugged my sides tighter, trying to keep myself together...failing.
Something was telling me i needed to get home fast, before this got worse.
Something else told me to lie on the road and wait for a car to run over me, to end it all...

I stood still for a momment, chewing my lip. Considering what my options were as i watched the puddles forming on the road.
I pushed myself to move towards home.
Be stronger, you're stronger than this.
It's just the disorder. It's just the fucking disorder.
I pushed myself harder towards home, focusing my mind on that fact. That i am strong, that this isn't me, that this is just my disorder.
But the thought of death...The simple escape of death, to make all of this pain turn into nothingness, or even happiness.
God. That was so tempting.

My eyes flickered back an fourth from the road, and the footpath infront of me.