I Want To Be Who You Pretend You Are

“It’s not gonna be any different than any of the other schools.” I complained, knowing full-well it was pointless.

“Well did you ever think that it’s you not the schools?” my mom retorted, clearly annoyed at this point.

I pouted and narrowed my eyes at her across the breakfast table. She let out a sigh, her hands falling by her sides. I knew she wanted to give up, her brain was telling her to give up on her failure of a son, but her heart wouldn’t let her.

I caused her so much anguish, I felt bad about it, honestly I did but I couldn’t stop. You get stuck in a habit it’s not that easy to just stop. I’d been to juvy, which did nothing. As soon as I got out it was just as bad as before. Drugs, alcohol, petty crime, fights, pretty much the same as every other delinquent in there, it’s not like I ever physically hurt anyone…well, except the fights.

I know I should take this opportunity to turn things around, to change but I don’t want to. I don’t know why, I guess I’m scared. At least if you screw up all the time, that’s all that’s to be expected. You fail at everything. But if you try and fail, it’s worse. Or if you’re good at something then people expect you to be good at it all the time and when you do something wrong it’s an even worse disappointment. I hated that word, disappointment.

“William, can you please just, this once, try not to get expelled the first day? Just this once, that’s all I’m asking,” she asked, her voice strained.

I cringed when she called me ‘William’, its WiL, not William. It’s pretty sad when your mom’s highest aim for you is just one day at school. Even I knew that.

People just assume I’m a bad kid - it’s not really my fault. Yeah, I may look a little grungy, like the kids you see spray painting the buildings around town but...I guess, you get a rep you might as well live up to it.

“I’ll try,” I sighed, “but I can’t promise anything.” I added sourly. I saw her face falter as I stood up and went to my room.

Staring around the dingy room I tried to decipher what was clean. And by clean I don’t mean washed, I mean wearable, as in you could smell it from more than three feet. I don’t really aim high.

I dug around till I found a pair of ripped up black jeans, a Misfits shirt and a random hoodie that looked like it belonged to a homeless person. I threw them on then found eyeliner under the chest of draws. People never really understood the eyeliner thing. I put it on to hide - it’s like playing a character. That’s all I am, a fake character. I’m not really me, I never will be. I’m a liar; I don’t even know myself anymore.

Mom offered me a ride, which I declined. I hadn’t even decided if I was going to go to school. If she didn’t want me kicked out the first day maybe I should just not bother turning up. I walked towards the school but then decided I couldn’t deal with that shit, not today. I was sick of it, sick of everything. I was sick of the kids who picked on anyone who was different. I was sick of the teachers who think they know everything about me. I was sick of the councilor’s attempts at ‘just trying to help’. I was sick of the calls to my mom. I was sick of the principal’s looks of annoyance.

I saw the school up the road and stopped walking. I could see them already pointing. What the fuck, man at least wait till I get to the goddamn school. The jocks in their stupid football jerseys sniggered and were probably making lame jokes to their air-headed, cheerleading sluts who just giggled stupidly. What did I say? All these schools are the same.

No way was I going, if I did I’d end up throttling someone and let’s face it that’s always a good way to make friends. I didn’t need friends anyway. I don’t need anyone. I let out a sigh and slumped against a fence, hands resting on my knees.

Tears pricked my eyes.

Don’t cry, don’t fucking cry. No wonder everyone picks on you, those kids could be laughing at anything and you’re bawling over it. You’re an embarrassment to everyone you associate with.

I swear if it was humanly possible for me to get in a full blown fist fight with myself I would of.
Truthfully, I think that maybe it’s not the jocks I hate, it’s me I hate. I could feel a tear roll down my cheek. The jocks aren’t my enemy, I am. I’m such a moron, crying because I don’t wanna go to school, what am I five?
Pull it together, asshole.

I rummaged around in my pocket for my cigarettes to try to calm myself down, even though I knew some lousy smokes weren’t gonna do shit. Pulling one out I lit it and inhaled deeply.
“Oh, hey man could I borrow a cigarette?” I heard a voice say. Snapping out of my unconscious streak of thoughts about nothing I saw a shadow cast over me. Squinting in the morning sun I saw a figure standing in front of me.

“Huh?” I asked, dumbly.

“Can I borrow a cigarette? I’m desperate.” the random guy smiled.
I never understood why you’d ask to ‘borrow’ a cigarette, it’s not like you give it back when you’re done. Why not just ask for a cigarette?

“Uh, sure.” I stumbled, tossing the packet up to him. It was hard to see his face because he was standing right in front of the sun and I wasn’t used to the brightness of anywhere outside my bedroom.

“Oh, god thanks man,” he said, passing the packet back instead of just chucking it, “You’re my hero”. My hand briefly touched his, my blood ran cold.
I heard someone faintly singing ‘Did you ever know you’re my hero’. I froze, my face twisted in a what-the-fuck-expression.

“Sorry, bad habit.” the guy laughed.

“Were you just singing Bette Midler?” I asked, concerned for his mental stability.

“Uh,” he sat down beside me, blushing, “yeah...”

I couldn’t help but smile, what-the-fuck expression still on my face. Now he was sitting next to me I could actually see him. His cheekbones sat high on his pale face. Black mop-like hair tumbled over his bright hazel eyes. I guess I stared for a little too long because he gave me a weird look.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” he laughed.
Oh shit.

“Uh, no…it’s just-” I’ve never seen someone like you before, “it’s just...it’s nothing” I said, quickly.

He gave me another odd look but shrugged off my comment. We sat in silence for a while till he finally broke the awkward quiet.

“I just realized I don’t know your name,” he commented, cigarette smoke dancing out of his mouth.

“It’s, uh,” what the hell, now I can’t even remember my own name, “my name’s…my name is wiL”

“Gerard.” he smiled, I watched his pink lips press together to keep the cigarette in his mouth as he spoke.

“You go to school there?” he asked, indicating up the road to the school which I was supposed to be at.

There was an awkward delay; it was as if I’d only just realized he was talking to me.

Duh, idiot of course he’s talking to you. No-one else is around dumb-ass.

“Oh, right. I’m supposed to but...” I trailed off watching the cars drive by.

“I’ve never seen you there,” Gerard replied.

“Yeah, today was supposed to be my first day.” I avoided looking at him, knowing if I did I’d say something stupid.

“Oh, nice,” he said with a cute laugh, “I go there…well, I’m supposed to be there but you know, it’s kind of shit.”

“How could it be if you go there?” I said, without realizing.

Oh fuck, I said that aloud. Oh fucking fucktard. I painfully turned, hoping he hadn’t heard me but he just smiled at me.

“Uh, I better go” I squealed then piss-bolted round the corner.

I’m in a new town, and I’ve got no idea where I am. Just made a complete and utter fucktard out of myself in front of the only person willing to talk to me. Skipped school already, first day. Wow, I’m really doing well.

“William!” I heard the familiar shrill voice. I winced and saw my mom. What the hell? Then I looked up and noticed where I’d ended up – the beauty parlor where my mom now worked. Dear god, of all the places...

“William, what are you doing here? Why aren’t you at school?” she screeched under her breath.

“I got lost?” I said, though it came out sounding more like a question.

“Don’t worry, ma’am I can help him find it” I heard a voice say.

I turned around to see Gerard standing right behind me. He smiled, as if he was doing me a favor or something.

“Oh thank-you, dear” my mom said with a smile. I hadn’t seen her smile in ages, but she wasn’t smile because of me. She was smiling because of Gerard, maybe he should be her son instead. He’d be a better kid anyway
.
We walked in uncomfortable silence before Gerard took it upon himself to talk.

“So, William-”

“It’s wiL.”

“Alright, wiL then, what’s-”

“Can you not.”

“What?”

“Please, just - just don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t try to be my friend!”

I turned and walked away, pushing past him. A stunned expression was branded on his face but I tried not to care.

Somehow I ended up out front the school and the teacher who was telling the new kids where to go was watching me. I guess she knew I was supposed to be there. Begrudgingly I wandered through the iron gates, hoping, praying I wouldn’t see Gerard...Gerard-…I didn’t even know his last name.