I Want To Be Who You Pretend You Are

“Ok, so I’ll see you like 7-ish,” Mikey said with a smile as he stood on his doorstep.

“Sure, I’ll be here,” I replied with a faint smile. I didn’t know why he was being nice but it didn’t really matter.

I continued on my own down the street until finally reaching my house. I saw mom in the kitchen and when she saw me she had a huge smile on her face.

“What’s up?” I asked, curious as to why she was so happy.

“You did it,” she replied, her voice light and joyful.

“Did…what?” I asked, still not following.

“You got through a whole day without getting expelled, I’m so proud,” she pulled me into a
hug.

It was kind of a back-handed compliment in a way, even though she didn’t intend for it to be.

I lay on my bed, staring at the roof, for a while. Why did Gerard have to talk to me? Why did Mikey decide to bother with me? Why was today going too well, almost? All the questions swam in my head for a while but then they were interrupted by another thought…what the hell is the time?

I rolled off my bed and landed with a thud, alarm clock falling on my head. Stupid thing, I muttered as I rubbed the back of my head where the clock hit me. ‘6:47’ the clock read. Crap, I should get changed or something. I was still wearing the same clothes I’d been wearing all day, not that I cared but, other people find it scummy.

I scavenged around my dump of a room till I found some clean-ish clothes and chucked them on…then threw them off again. I didn’t know why I cared so much about how I looked but that wasn’t the point.

Finally I decided on some black skinny jeans, a random band shirt and a flannel shirt, hoping it looked decent. I plastered my face with make-up, which was stupid but I needed it. I need it to be who I pretend I am. I’m a fake.

I walked up to Mikey’s place and stared at the door for a good five minutes before slowly reaching up and hitting my fist on it. Please let Mikey answer, I don’t want to have to talk to his parents. That’d be way more awkward than I could stand.

The door swung open and Mikey’s face lit up, “Hey, you made it,” he said sounding genuinely happy.

I smiled back and followed him into the house. A man and woman, I’m assuming his mom and dad, jolted upright in their seats when I entered the room.

Why do I have to be this way? Why can’t I just be normal, then people wouldn’t stare, then people wouldn’t pick on me, then it wouldn’t be so awkward.

They quickly recovered and offered weak smiles, “Hello…dear,” the woman said uncomfortably.

“Hi,” I choked out, embarrassed for my own existence.

“Son, who’s this gi...bo...friend of yours?” his dad asked. He was stumbling on ‘girl’ and ‘boy’ I guess the excessive make-up puts people off a bit.

“This is wiL, he’s new at school and in town. wiL, this is my mom and dad,” Mikey said, looking over at me. I was visibly shaking, but trying desperately not to. He offered a smile and gently took hold of my wrist.

“Nice to meet you,” his mom said, though she didn’t really sound like she meant it but she was trying not to be rude.

“Mikey, hun can I talk to you for a second?” his mom asked, smiling oddly at him. He raised an eyebrow and shrugged.

“wiL, just go on upstairs. I’ll be there in a second, ok?” he told me then followed him mom into the kitchen.

I know he told me to just go upstairs but if his mom is going to bitch about me I might as well hear it. I stood outside the kitchen waiting for someone to call me a ‘bad influence’ or a ‘weirdo’ or ‘fag’ or something along those general lines. This is why I avoid people’s parents. They don’t seem to like me much.

“Mikey, what were you thinking?”

“He’s really nice, ma,”

“He looks like a mental patient,”

“Ma, don’t,”

“Mikey, he looks like a sicko, the kind you meet in an alley carrying a machete,”

“So, he’s just a bit different,”

“I don’t care if he’s different, he looks like a weirdo and I couldn’t even tell if he was a boy or a girl with all the make-up the he’s wearing. Even Ryan looks more masculine than him,”

I couldn’t take anymore. I wear make-up, I’m a fag. I look different, I’m a sicko. I’m never going to be good enough for anyone. I didn’t want to have to listen to the other one billion reasons why I should be eradicated from the world so I went upstairs.

There were two bedrooms upstairs and I didn’t know which one was Mikey’s so I figured I’d just wait till his mom was done bitching about me so he could come upstairs.

I replayed Mikey and his mom’s conversation in my head. I could feel tears coming again, not now. Please, not now.

Don’t cry. It’s the first time you’ve got someone who seemingly wants to actually be your friend, don’t cry like a girl. He’s going to hate you. He probably already does. Mikey hates you. He’s only pretending to be your friend out of pity.

“Hey…” I heard a familiar voice. I had my face buried in my knees and I didn’t want to lift it because I’d been bawling like a little two-year-old. I pretended not to hear anything.

“William?” the voice continued. Finally I lifted my head to see Gerard standing in front of me in an Iron Maiden shirt and boxers.

“Gerard? What are you doing here?” I asked, confused. What the hell was he doing at Mikey’s house?

“Mikey didn’t mention me?” he asked, sitting cross-legged across from me.

“N-no,” I sniffled, I could feel the tears still on my face.

“I’m his brother,” Gerard said, sounding like it was the most obvious statement ever.
I didn’t say anything.

“Are you ok?” I heard Mikey say. I spun to see him standing at the top of the stairs, looking at me with concern.

I sniffed and bit my lip to stop myself crying again. It seems that’s all I ever do anymore – cry. It made me sick, I make myself sick.

“I’m, I’m fine, really,” I tried my best to sound together but failed miserably.

“No, seriously, wiL. Are you al-” he stopped part way through his sentence when he noticed Gerard sitting on the ground, “Gee, what did you do to him?” Mikey demanded in a tone that even freaked me out.

“What? Nothing, I didn’t do anything,” Gerard retorted, making a face.

“He didn’t,” I interrupted.

Mikey shot a glare at Gerard, “You better not have,” he snarled.

Gerard gave him the finger then went back into his darkened room, muttering to himself.

“What’s the matter, wiL?” Mikey asked, leaning over me like I was some kind of defenseless kitten or something.

“N-nothing,” I stammered, trying to make an attempt to wipe my face, which was tear – and make-up – streaked.

“You can tell me, it’s ok,” Mikey hushed, using his hoodie sleeve to wipe my face.

“Really, don’t worry,” I replied, thankful for Mikey’s comfort.

“wiL, please. I want to help – just tell me,” he probed, not leaving me to my miserable self.

“Ok, fine...” I heaved a sigh and looked away from his angelic face, “I heard what your mom said.”

There was silence, Mikey looked like he was trying to find the right words.

“Oh.” was all he managed. I felt bad, it wasn’t his fault.

“Maybe I should go,” I said softly, trying to get up from my crouched position at the top of the stairs.

“No,” Mikey said definitely, placing a hand firmly on my leg, preventing me from being able to stand up, “No, please stay. I’m sorry about her, she’s just...”

“Mikey, really. Don’t feel bad. I’m used to it,” I replied, avoiding eye contact.

“Come on, I’ll find you something to clean your face,” he said, not really leaving me much room to argue, as he pulled me up from the carpet.

I followed Mikey into his room, “I’ll be right back, ok.” he said then headed off into the bathroom. I sat there, alone for a while. I hated this, I didn’t want to be this pitiful, pathetic kid who someone always had to care for.

Moments later, Mikey returned with a damp facecloth. My mask is gonna wipe away and I’ll be nothing, then who I am? I pushed my chin-length scraggly hair from my face, embarrassed. Mikey just smiled sweetly and began wiping my face, great now I’m a child who can’t even clean their own face but...it felt nice, comforting, like someone cared.

I got lost in my thoughts for a while, then noticed Mikey was right in front of me, his eyes meeting mine as he dabbed at the running make-up on my face. He was so innocent, so pure. His face, just centimeters from mine, I was so tempted to kiss him.

Don’t do it. Do you wanna ruin things with him too? Keep your hands to yourself.

But it was hard, his pale face drew closer and I couldn’t help myself I was just about to kiss him when, “Mikey.”

It was Gerard’s voice, I recognized it instantly. I flinched knowing the look he was probably giving me right now. Mikey quickly fell backwards, landing on his ass with a thud. He shot a glare at Gerard who was seemingly, smirking to himself.

“What?” Mikey hissed, clambering to his feet.

“I wanna talk to you,” Gerard said commandingly, gesturing to his own room.

Mikey sighed and nodded, he gave me a sympathetic look of pity I really didn’t want to see. I didn’t want his pity, I didn’t need it.

He followed Gerard and despite knowing it wouldn’t end well I crawled across the room to listen to their conversation.