Quiet Boys.

Those eyes of his, that’s what I woke up to.
And this time, all the sunny yellow was there with the blue and it blended quite nicely, in my humble opinion.
The rest of his face turned red though when he saw me staring right back, and he turned his head, so unsure.
I smiled wide, and brought his eyes over to mine.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Sorry.”
“For what?”
Ivan didn’t reply, and I laughed a little.
“I’m happy to wake up to your eyes,” I said. Ivan continued to look uncomfortable, holding in words. I wished, wished, wished he would not do that. But I could not make him speak.
Ivan ducked under blankets and stood up outside of our fort. He looked around my room anxiously.
“What is the matter with you today?” I asked him. His eyes were looking like they were going to explode, he looked like he might cry, and his face looked even more childish than usual. His feet were placed in the most discomforted manner, and everything from his pose to his eyelashes were making me crazy.
“Would you just spit it out? You’re making me a little worried,” I told him.
And then he was off. And he talked so fast. And he talked so loud, in kind of made me feel at ease, because at least now he was talking.
“Well, you know, before I talked to you I just kind of sat. I sat and watched things go by and I don’t think I was even breathing properly, like I was taking these little tiny gasps of air and it was really unsettling but I just ignored it because, you know, how could I possibly be breathing wrong? But I realize now that like, with you I…I breathe in this different way, you know? Like I don’t gasp for air or take little breathes. I breathe in real deep, I suck in so much air that it makes me dizzy sometimes. And it’s so much, so much, so much much much better than the way I was breathing before? Okay? That’s what’s wrong okay?”
I just kind of stared at him for a few seconds, and he blinked. And I blinked.
“Are you finished?” I asked, crossing my arms across my chest.
“No. Not even close,” he retorted, and he sounded kind of angry.
“Oh,” was all I could think to say. It was my turn to be taught a lesson, I realized.
“So, now. Now that I breathe different, everything else is different too. I still walk the same, and my handwriting is the same, my voice is the same, except now it’s louder. I look the same, I dress myself the same, I eat the same. But the breathing is different and so is the way my heart beats, you know? Like before it was always slow and now it’s always going way too fast and so I just let it go really fast because you can’t control your heartbeat. And well, the way my heart beats is so much better too. It isn’t forced, it’s there. And now I find myself staring at you while you sleep. So, what. What does this all mean cause I like it a lot, but it makes me hurt a lot too.”
“I don’t know what it means,” I lied. Even though I knew what it meant and I just really didn’t want to say it because I hated that word a lot. And I felt it too, and I just hated that word a lot, okay?
“You just lied.”
“No I didn’t.”
Ivan stared at me, really intense like, and I bit down on my lip too hard. I didn’t know what to say.
“Why did you lie?”
“Why do you think? Do you know me at all?” I spat. I didn’t like those rough words, but, I just didn’t know what to say and I was so far out of my zone and what was this? This was too much. My chest hurt, and my stomach had this weird empty feeling.
“You don’t believe in it, I know. But, that’s no reason to lie,” Ivan said. So, he did know me well. He also knew me well enough to not say the word, to just say ‘it’.
“Well, I don’t know what to say. Because. That was really pretty. And you just. Are you.”
I sat down on my bed, and for the first time I was really getting scared. This was totally unfair. I was not afraid of anything, we had just discussed this last night before we had fallen asleep in a flannel fort and so I just sat on my bed and stared at him, and it felt like such a long time. And he stared back. And finally I picked up my limbs the best I knew how, and I walked over to him. And then I put his hand in mine. Ivan smiled, but he wasn’t perfectly content, and I knew he wouldn’t be until I said something.
“That fight in you is getting really strong, and it’s kind of weirding me out. But I like it, so you should do it more. Cause now it isn’t just me doing all the talking and teaching, right?”
“Right.” Then Ivan sighed kind of, and I realized how much he’d been holding in. Then for the first time he kissed me, not the other way around. And it wasn’t that tiny little kiss we’d been doing, no sir. It was a bit longer than that. And, oh my, I blushed, I did, I did.
And when he pulled away I just threw my arms around him and kept it like that because that was the best I could think to do for the time being.