In Fear of Life

"No! No, please. Ryan, please, you can't be gone. We..you've..you can't leave me! No..no, Ryan..please. Don't leave me so alone. I love you..I always will, forever. Just please, don't leave."

It's been so long since he left me. Three years, in fact. For anyone out there who might be confused, my name is Matt. Matt Wilkens. I'm nineteen years old, and living in a shell of who I once was. See, I've already found the love of my life. His name is Ryan. Or...it was.

As you can gather from what I've said, he's dead. Before I get into why he died, why he was taken from me, I want you to meet him. Of course, you can't actually meet him, but I want to tell you about my time with him.

Ryan had gone to the same school as I had. We never spoke, really, we never acknowledged each other. Maybe I should go back even further, or delve into another chapter of my life, which progresses into our meeting.

I lived with my mother and father. I've been told I have a half brother, but he lives in Ireland. I never asked questions. I really never thought about it, I guess you could call me 'self-absorbed'.

I don't know the moment I knew I was gay, it's just always been a part of me, never really addressed. I've never once looked at a girl and thought, "Wow, she's really hot." Or, "I want to fuck her." I've always been disgusted by the mere thought of vagina. Ha, dirty word. Okay, back on track.

I think my parents somehow could tell, or rather sense that I was different than most boys my age. They held my brother accountable. I remember waking up at night, hearing them argue about Jakob. They blamed him for everything. For my 'odd behaviors', for the lack of happiness in their relationship, for every time the goddamn mailman came late.

Now see, my parent's never abused me. I'm not a sob story like that. I am, or was, their perfect little boy. Trying to make me perfect, into someone they could love. It was all too much. I could never take being in the spotlight too seriously.

For instance, one day my parents had taken me to a piano recital so they could show me off. In the middle of my piece, I got up and ran out. I'd been so upset. In the parking lot, my father grabbed me by the shoulders and asked me why I was such a disappointment. Spit flying from his mouth, he shook me like a rag doll. Pulling away from him, I ran and ran.

I ended up at the playground for the younger children. Weeping, I sat down underneath the slide. Self pity had never really possessed me before, but I felt so worthless. "Hey, what's wrong?" I jerked up to see Ryan, this small, adorable boy, crouching next to me. His deep blue eyes stared into mine and I remember feeling something amazing in my stomach, like a fire had burst alive.

Sitting down next to me, I spilled everything to him. Why I was so upset, how much I felt like a useless being. He held me and whispered comforting words. That was the start of a beautiful friendship. More than that. A year later, my dreams came true.

"Mattie..Matt...I have something you need to know." I looked up at my the 15 year old friend and felt a twinge of nervousness blossom. His same deep blue eyes probed mine.

"Ryan? What's wrong? Did something happen?" I pulled myself up from the floor of my room, only to be pulled into an embrace by Ryan. He whispered "Matt..please don't hate me. I..I l-love you."

I gasped as he let me go. Wanting hm to touch me again, I inched my face close to his. I could feel his breathe tingle in short breathes. I took a moment to look in his eyes before our lips collided. This warm feeling spread throughout my body as his soft lips tingled against mine.

Pulling back, I said, "Ryan, I..I've always loved you." This time, he smiled and grabbed me by the waist. As he pushed himself against me, I felt his tongue lick my bottom lip, begging for entrance. Grinning, I denied him. Instead, I shoved him back onto my couch and forced my tongue into his mouth. I, myself, was surprised by my own boldness.

Exploring, I felt his hands tangle into my hair. Flipping me over, he started to suck on my neck, kissing and nibbling his way around my collarbone. I felt him smirk as he managed illicit a moan from me. He rubbed against my growing bulge as I tried to say his name, "Ry-Ryan.."But it just ending in another moan. This was the happiest I've ever felt.

Flash forward another year. I found Ryan in the school bathroom, passed out by the sink. Face white, his hands shaking, he tried to tell me he was alright. "I'm fine, Matt, I just need to go rest in the nurses office." He collapsed then, and wouldn't wake up. At the hospital, his parents told me everything that they already knew.

His family told me that he's been diagnosed with leukemia, but he didn't want me to know. It had progressed further and further, and even though they pushed, he refused to be hospitalized because there was nothing they could have done. So he went to school, everyday, and pretended he was okay.

The doctors came to us with the news. They've tried, but he wouldn't make it through the night. In shock, I pushed past the adults in white robes and entered his room. He looked so small, so fragile. Nothing like the Ryan I knew.

How had I not seen it? How could he not have told me? He opened his eyes and let out a soft sigh. "Matt..I-I'm sorry. I should ha-" I cut him off with a single kiss to his lips.

"Ryan, I..don't know what to say. You..it'll be alright. Just stay strong. Please.." I tried to protest but the look in his eyes told me everything. He's already tried so hard. Crawling next to him I rested my head down on his chest gently. He lifted his hand to my cheek, wiping away tears that I hadn't noticed were pooling. It's so unfair. How could he just leave me?

His family and a doctor filed into the room. They circled his bed as the doctor explained his heart was getting weaker, so they had to be here for him as this could be his final minutes. As the realization fully hit me, a sob racked through my entire body and I cried out. "Ryan, no, please! Don't die, I love you so much. I can't do this without you. Please don't leave me..Please.."

Ryan lifted his face towards mine and grasped me in a kiss, reminding me of our first kiss together. I had promised to love him forever. Laying his head down, I saw how tired he was. I held him close as his mother cried into his father's chest. His uncle sat down next to him and held his hand.

Ryan smiled at me and I felt him slipping away. A panic rose in me, and I almost couldn't see his deep blue eyes for the tears in mine. Pressing my lips against his cheek, I looked into his eyes one last time before the light slowly faded from them forever.

End scene. Yeah, that was 3 years ago. Ryan McCormick died at the age of 16. I've never been the same. I finished high school in a deep depressed state and manage to secure an apartment in New York City.

I go to classes for photography, but I mostly live my life in a blank state, like I said, an empty shell of who I used to be. The pain of Ryan's death isn't sharp, but dull, and I have fewer nightmares of him leaving me. I can only hope his face never completely leaves my memories.