In Fear of Life

In the bathroom, I'm standing there, looking at the handles. Isn't there just supposed to be 'hot' and 'cold'? There's like 8 nozzles. Grabbing two, I pull on them and water gushes out! I squeak as the water pours over onto the floor and I slip with a 'THUD'.

I hear footsteps and the door opens. "Adam, don't com-" Before he slips, too. Right on top of me. It's too funny! I start laughing my head off, but realize he's not laughing. I look at him, and he's staring at me. He's so beautiful. I love him so much.

"Adam..I want to tell you som-" I start to whisper before Gus runs in and falls on top of us.

"Ohmygod!" Gus grimaces. "It's a good thing I know this floor is clean or I'd be freaking out right now." Gah!! Perfect interruption.

After we dry off, Gus hands out pj's. "Matt, do you want to stay over?" For a second I think about it, but then remember that I have no one to go home to, anyways. I nod, and Adam giggles. He's too cute.

After Gus makes more popcorn, we sit on the couch. Adam looks at me. "Matt, how did you get the floor so wet, anyways?" I feel my face heat up.

"Well..there were so many knobs on the sink, and they confused me, so I turned both on high and they gushed out like mad!" Adam almost dies laughing, I swear.

The whole movie, I don't think Adam noticed, but my hand or knee would touch his and it felt like lightning sent shocks through my body. At the end, though, I notice Adam is crying so hard, he's gasping for air. I look at Gus, who only mouths, 'Do something!'.

I slowly put my arm around Adam and pull him close as he cries into my shirt. It breaks my heart, I swear. When the credits roll, Gus turns off the tv. Adam isn't crying anymore, but I think he's asleep. Gus looks at us, amused. "He's too comfy to move. I'll sleep in my bed, you guys sleep out here."

Adam shifts a little and mumbles, "Nerr..I'm fine." I laugh and get comfy. After Gus brings us blankets and pillows, he leaves to go to bed.

I sit there for a few minutes, staring at Adam's beautiful head. "Adam?" I whisper.

"Yeah?" I hear him softly. So he's not asleep.

"Oh. Just..checking to see if you're awake." I sigh and lean back. I feel him lift his head a little, and I see his eyes.

I feel so overwhelmed with love at that moment, I decide to do it.

I whisper, "I love you."

He looks a me for a moment, then lifts himself up. Our noses touch. I can feel his warmth tingling my neck. Lifting my face more, we press together. It's amazing. His lips taste so good, and I feel like I can lay here forever, just kissing him.

Adam pulls away and looks at me. "I love you Matt."

Suddenly, I feel deja vu.

Ryan, telling me he loved me.

Ryan, saying how he could never live without me.

Ryan, telling me he's sorry.

Ryan, saying goodbye.

I feel tears pour over as Ryan intrudes. Which isn't right, he never intrudes. There's always room for him. But for the first time, I feel like I want him to go away so I can forget about him and fully live out my love for Adam.

Jumping up, Adam looks around for a second, apologizing, then runs out of the room. I try to follow him, but he's outside now, running far down the road, away from me.

Sitting down on the steps, I cry my heart out. I feel like such a fuck up. I don't know what to do. I feel someone sit down next to me, and look over to see Gus. "Where's Adam?"

"He left." I choke out. Gus doesn't look surprised.

"Well..what are you doing here?" Suddenly, everything clicks. I jump up, and I'm on my feet, running after Adam. The one I loved. I will not lose another love. Not this time, when there's something I can do. A chance for happiness.

I'm running, running, and after a while I don't know where I am anymore. It's got to be two in the morning, at least. Something catches my eye. An open door to the cemetery. Creepy. What if Adam's in there? He must be. There's no where else.

But I don't want to go in. I hate graveyards. They're scary. I don't want to..but I have to. Pulling the gate open more, I push in and look around. It completely dark except for the moonlight on headstones.

I hear something snap. A twig. Adam? I look around, trying to see. "Adam?" I call softly. A figure appears. Walking fast, I get closer. "Adam..please."

The person steps closer, and I see that it isn't Adam at all. There's a guy with a dark hoodie, holding a switchblade. I gasp, and stumble backwards.

He steps closer. I turn and run, but I can't find the gate. Diving behind a headstone, I put my hand over my mouth. I hear him breathing. Stepping closer, and closer. I almost whimper, but hold it back. Tears start to run down my cheeks.

I look at the grave I'm at. I see a familiar name. McCormick...no. I'd never been to his grave before, but this is just too much. Ryan McCormick. Died at age 16. Loving son. 'And loving boyfriend', I think to myself.

A sudden click makes me stop cold. Above me, there he is. He clicks his knife against the gravestone and I try to crawl away, but he stomps on my ankle, making me cry out in pain.

He straddles me, sitting on my lower stomach. Tracing the knife around my chest, he speaks. "Looks like you've found what you're looking for." But I don't know what he means.

I try to pull away, to struggle, but he slides the knife into my skin, and I feel it scrape against my rips. My eyes wide, I look into the eyes that are seething with hate.

He pulls the knife over and over, slicing at me. Blood is dripping out of my mouth and it's hard to breathe. I feel so cold. The man stands up, wipes his knife on his jacket, and walks away. I'm left there, on the ground, tears and blood mixing, knowing that I'm dying, yet fighting it.

I hear Ryan's voice. Telling me, 'Don't let go, Matthew. Live, live..' and I feel like it's a sign that I'll be okay, but then I choke on my own blood and I know it won't be.

It's silent now. I hear nothing. Time has stopped. There is no wind, no sounds, nothing. My body is so cold. So cold. My body. As in I'm not in it anymore. Just my body, dying. My soul, screaming for another chance.

And then, there he is. Adam. His face in mine, his lips moving, but nothing coming out. I can't hear him. I want to say,I can't hear you! But I can't say anything either, and it makes me tired, so I close my eyes for a second, but then he's shaking me, his face scared, his eyes pleading with me, and I remember what Ryan told me, to live, to fight.

I try to stay awake as two men in white lift me onto a stretcher and into an ambulance. I don't know where they came from, but it doesn't matter. Adam. Where's Adam? I try to ask, but nothing comes out.

And then there literally is nothing, as I fade into the darkness.