In Fear of Life

I grumble to myself after I call Adam to tell him I couldn't make it because of work. Truth is, I don't have anything to do today. I just feel like crap. I'm scared of screwing everything up with him, so I just sit in bed all day thinking of Ryan.

Yes, as hard as it is to believe, three years have gone by. It used to be that it hurt to breathe without him. He was my everything. And then all of a sudden, he's gone. Forever. I'll never see him again.

It feels like a giant rock sits in my chest, I miss him so much. Is it even possible to find someone else? I still feel like I'm betraying him if I even try to fall in love again..

Love? Well..I guess. Adam..evokes feelings in me I haven't felt since Ryan. I feel like I have to protect him from the world. Why was he crying that time I first met him? I want to know. And that's not all I want.

I want him, damn it. I miss him already and I told him that I'm busy. Sometimes I don't understand myself, even. Scratch that. I don't know myself at all. It's crazy.

I need to do something. Jumping up, I grab some jeans, an A7x shirt, and a red flannel. My hair is bed head style, so I don't really bother with it.

I half walk, half run to the playground. I crouch and sit under the slide, which seems so small now. Resting my head against the cold plastic, I remember Ryan. My Ryan. Soon, it's sprinkling out and my skin has goosebumps, not just from the cold, but from the loneliness.

The sky lets loose a torrent of water, and soon, the ground and I are both soaked. My tears are mixed with those from the clouds. I'm choking on my own sobs, and my heart feels like it's breaking all over again.

"Why.."I whisper to myself, and to Ryan, and to some god out there."Why did you have to leave..why..why, Ryan?" I whisper that word over and over again 'why', like some sort of chant that will bring him back to me.

I don't hear the car that pulls up next to the swings, or the person calling my name. I'm enveloped in my own pity. Hands, warm hands grab me and suddenly a pair of dark green eyes are staring at me. For a moment I think Ryan's back, but then realize that he had blue eyes.

It's Adam. Adam? I voice his name but nothing comes out as he tries to pull me up, but he's too small to lift me. I try to get up, only to knock my head on the slide. Another kid, possibly our age, comes over and grabs my arm and helps me up.

They load me into a car and I shiver as Adam sits next to me and pulls me close. I rest my head on his chest as he wraps an arm over my shoulders. "Shh..shh." He's whispering in my ears, trying to get me to stop crying.

I didn't even realize I was still crying, and find it pointless to wipe away the tears when I'm already soaked. Soon, I fall asleep, his hot breathe on my chilled neck, me clinging to him as if for dear life. Or sanity, whichever.