Start To Begin Again

Piece Eighteen.

My mother tried to make me feel better about my father but it didn’t work. I just smiled and said it was fine but she saw through that and tried to make it better. We both knew that since I was a kid I was my father’s daughter. I was close to my mother but my father and I had a bond I thought was unshakable. I was wrong. It was shaken to its core and so was I.

I stayed quiet throughout dinner; it didn’t seem to matter because Leana and Jimmy seemed more interested about getting dirt on my childhood. Zacky seemed to find the stories funny too. I had lived through them and remembering the ones with my father didn’t help my feeling. Still I smiled and nodded whenever, they looked at me in shock.

I excused myself from the table and headed upstairs with Majesty and Ichabod in tow. The last story got me and I couldn’t stay anymore. They noticed it too. Zacky grabbed my hand under the table but I pulled my hand away and said I wasn’t feeling well. In all honesty I wasn’t.

It was all too much. Everything was too much, my mother being pregnant, my Da not showing up, the fact that I had…killed someone. Everything was just too much. I couldn’t deal with it plus the fact that there was nothing to take my mind off anything. I was stuck in a house with nothing to do. I was back to where I was when I wanted to leave. The only difference now was I didn’t have a reason to leave. That didn’t mean I didn’t want to but only for a while.

I walked to the guest room where we set my mother’s things. It was the only one that we had ever officially set up as a guest room. A house with five rooms and only two official bedrooms, one was empty. The other two were Zacky’s music rooms even though only really one of them was filled with anything close to music.

I gave the room a once over and decided it was enough. It almost looked like my parents room back at home. I shook my head to myself. I had to stop doing that. I was already at home. Charles had already so nicely put that when he decided not to come.

“Come on you two, we don’t dog hair on my mother’s stuff,” I said snapping my fingers at Ichabod who was already lying in the middle of the bed. He let out a whine but I called his name again and he hopped off the bed. I bent down and picked him up. He wasn’t as small as he used to be but he still was too cute to deny.

I rubbed his belly with my hand and closed the door behind me. Majesty looked behind me at the sudden noise but she just ran into the master bedroom. I scratched Ichabod’s ears before finally going into the room. Sure enough Zacky was sitting on the bed petting Majesty. I petted Ichabod and held him closer even though I knew he hated it but for once he didn’t let out a complaint.

“Your mom went to Leana and Jimmy’s house for desert and more stories,” I nodded. Zacky kept his eyes on Majesty who kept pawing at him, “You can say it, you know.”

“He’s such a prick after all those years. After I cooked and made sure the house didn’t smell like the stables. After I made sure my mom didn’t have a hard time when she couldn’t even remember who I was or where she was. All those times I had to act older because he said it would be better if I did,” I let Ichabod down, “Why did I have to act older? Why couldn’t I just stay the way I was? Wasn’t that good enough?”

“What else?” Zacky asked softly.

“After all I did even after I forfeited an internship in Helena. He doesn’t have the common decency to come see me after I was in a hold up and after I… after I. After I found out that the boy was…Don’t make me say it, Zacky. I can’t say it.”

“Then don’t. We both know it was an accident,” He patted the bed next to him. I stepped over Ichabod who was resting at my feet and sat down next to Zacky.

“I can’t get it out of my head. I run it over in my mind over and over again. I can’t sleep right and it’s messing with me. I mean I had disarmed him. I had him down on the ground. Why did he have to get up? Why did I take him down so hard?”

“Linette, you know you’re never gonna get the answers to those questions.” I sighed and put my head on his shoulder, “I think you’ve been in this house for too long,”

“No kidding,”

“I’m serious you never go out. I mean I don’t really have a nine to five but still I feel bad when I leave you here with nothing to do but play house. I mean Leana has work most days, so do most of the girls. I know Lacey’s in school still. Michelle works from home and Val has her interviews and shoots plus she still does work for the band,” He paused, waiting for me to say something, “I got you a job interview,”

“What?” I took my head off his shoulder, “Zacky, no. I can’t work in another bar or restaurant again.”

“No, more like working with horses down at a country club. It’s not exactly working on your dad’s ranch but you have horses and you can golf whenever you want.” He smiled moving my hair from my eyes. I stared at him dumbfounded for a minute before launching at him. I kissed him softly because my lip was still cut. Zacky pulled away and moved my hair from my face again.

“It’s not exactly a problem solver but it’ll get you away from your thoughts and make you smile a little more. I don’t like you wallowing. It makes me feel like maybe Montana was a better fit for you,” He said touching my eye.

“You’re my only fit,” I said resting my forehead on his.

“I better be,” I let out a low chuckle and kissed my cheek.

We stayed like that for awhile. It was just us and the dogs. It was my family now, Zacky, Majesty and Ichabod. I know it sounded cold but it was true. My father and mother were still my family but Zacky was just more part of that now. It just took me a while to figure that out.

“Nettie, can I speak to you?” I looked up and saw my mother’s face peeking into the room. Zacky gave me an insistent push. I was going to have to talk to her whether I liked it or not and Zacky wasn’t gonna let me claim Asylum in our bedroom. I walked over to my mother who smiled behind me. I turned around and saw Ichabod following. I always knew he liked me better.

I followed my mother in the same fashion Ichabod followed me. I followed her back into the guest bedroom. I waited for her to say something instead she closed the door and sat down in the lone chair I had set in the room. Zacky said it looked weird but I liked it. My mother seemed to agree with me.

“There’s another reason why I came down here. I also want to say it probably has more to do with why your father isn’t here then you think,” I sat on the bed and looked at her.

“Linette, I can tell you’re not exactly excited that I’m having another child. I know why too. You’re worried because of all those other times. I’ve been checked out by all the doctors. They say I’m safe to carry to term, as long as I check in with the doctors frequently. They also think that the pregnancy is helping my memory with all the vitamins and endorphins that I’m producing.”

“Mama,”

“I’m not finished Linette. I heard what you said while you were talking to Zacky. I know I haven’t been there most of the time and as much as I want to blame the illness, that’s not it. I’ll be honest. I didn’t want kids so early into the marriage but I got used to you and I knew that wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I wasn’t supposed to just get used to you. Linette I love you but sometimes I feel like having me as your mom had you at a disadvantage,” She paused, “I wanted to say that before I tell you why I came here. I was cleared by the doctors and my mental state is better but they’re worried that my mental state my get worse after I have this child,”

“Then why have it,”

“Linette, I am not finished. You will wait till I am done. This is hard enough without you interrupting,” She closed her eyes and leaned back into the chair, “I’ve filled out some paperwork with a lawyer. If what the doctor’s think is going to happen I don’t want your father to deal with raising another kid.”

“What are you saying, Mama?”

“I want you to adopt your sibling if I can’t help you’re father raise them. They deserve two parents. I know you and Zacky. I know you and Zacky will make it.” I didn’t even open my mouth before she stopped me, “Think about it, please.”

I looked my mother who still had her eyes closed and head leaned back. I closed my own and sighed. I thought slowly before opening my eyes.

“I’ll talk it over with Zacky,”