Start To Begin Again

Piece Nineteen.

I let my fingers run through Ichabod’s fur occasionally untangling some of the knots I found. I looked at the dark sky through the open curtains. It was a moonless night making it even darker than usual. To the usual though. It made me more nervous. The days’ events didn’t make it any better. I blinked a couple of time to get the sticky feeling off my eyes before finally thinking back to earlier.

I sipped my coffee quietly as Gavin, Zacky’s nephew, played with Majesty. Ichabod was in my lap happily snoozing. Ichabod was lot quieter now then when he was a puppy. Sometimes I worried but then he’d be a big fur ball of energy. I looked back at Gavin who was now tackled by Majesty. I looked back at Ichabod who rolled over. I shook my head and rubbed his belly.

“Are you ever going to make my son an honest man?” I looked behind me and smiled at Zacky’s dad. He was joking, like always. Zacky coughed and let out a gasp. Zacky and I were on the same page about Marriage or at least I thought we had always been.

“I’m only kidding. So Ms. Lin, is it alright if we steal your mother for the day?” I smiled and nodded.

Currently Zacky’s own mother and sister were talking to my mom in the living room. I had gotten up and found her already awake and laughing with them. It was nice it see her happy.

She had gotten into a fight with my father over the phone the other night. They were both yelling in Welsh. It was a tactic when I was younger to keep certain topics out of my mouth.

He wasn’t mad at me, yet. He was furious with my mother. I eventually shut my self in one of the spare rooms with Brian and Zacky who were practicing. They both ignored the argument. Zacky would give me looks occasionally but only put his head back down to play.

I had told him. I had told him about what my mother said and asked. We both went to sleep and didn’t talk much after it. I could tell Zacky felt as awkward about it as I did. My mother hadn’t pushed the topic more after our initial conversation.

She was still thinking. So was my father. I had picked up the phone at first and he apologized for not being there and said it wasn’t me. I believed him. I had the feeling my mother had dropped it on him probably before they left the house. Still I felt I was fault. My mother had chosen me. I knew how my father felt. He felt as if my mother had stripped him of choice and just told him he didn’t do such a good job with me.

“Nettie,” I looked at my mom, “I’m going to go out with Maria. Zina has to go drop off Gavin at a friends,” I smiled and kissed her cheek when she leaned down. Zacky’s mom gave me a hug before leaving.

Gavin whined about leaving Majesty till Zacky said he could take to his friend’s as long as it was alright. I looked down at Ichabod who seemed annoyed by all the noise till they all went away. Then it was just Zacky, Ichabod and me.

“What have you got planned for the day?” I asked putting my mug on the table. Zacky looked at me with a smile before speaking.

“I was thinking maybe we could talk,” He paused, “About your mother’s…offer.”

“Okay. You go first,” I said grabbing Ichabod and sitting him upright on my lap. I waited for Zacky to start but he just froze and waited. I sighed and ran my fingers through Ichabod’s fur.

“I was thinking that maybe we could turn the spare bedroom to the guest room and the guest room into the nursery,” He said grabbing my unfinished coffee and sipped it calmly.

“Oh,” I said moving my eyes downward. Ichabod turned his head when I stopped petting him. I rubbed the spot in between his ears and kept quiet.

“What? Tell me,”

“I don’t know. I’m just at a loss for words,” Which was true, I couldn’t believe Zacky was okay with it when I wasn’t anyone even close to being okay with it.

“I don’t like the fact that she dumped this on me, on us. I mean we just got back together. We’re still figuring us out. I can’t do that with a kid clutched my hand screaming. I mean I can’t.”

“Okay,” He nodded along. He knew I wasn’t finished.

“I mean we have our whole lives head of us. I’m not going to be like the rest of my family. I’m not going to have a marriage and kids before I’m thirty just because its tradition. Especially if I’m not even sure I want those things,” I looked at Zacky and waited for him to say something. I saw something flash by his eyes but it left.

“You’re not sure?”

“I mean everyone in my family just got married so fast. There was barely even time for half of them to know what the other person’s last name was. Then they all had kids so early. It’s just not the life I want for me,”

“What life?”

“That life. I mean it’s not a secret that I’m not great with kids. You are my first serious relationship. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to do with my life and I’m not sure being a mom is in my job description.”

“What about wife?” It was then that I noticed what I had said. It was then that I noticed that look that flashed in Zacky’s eyes were hurt and confusion.

“Zacky, don’t. I mean are you really thinking of marriage right now?”

“No but I mean I thought that it was maybe in the future,” He paused, “Is it? At all?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Someday,” I said forcing the words out.

Zacky didn’t say anything. He just finished the coffee and walked to the sink to wash out the cup. I put Ichabod on the floor before getting up and walking slowly to Zacky. I paused behind him. I watched the muscles in his back tense under his shirt. I moved slowly like I was got caught in the gaze of angry animal. I touched his shoulder but he only shrugged it off.

Zacky put the cup back in the cupboard and moved past me without touching me. I didn’t follow him and I didn’t want to at the same time. I didn’t want to be the weak one right now. Even though I knew what I said had hurt him but it was what I meant. It hurt me to have hurt Zacky but I couldn’t lie and say Yes I wanted kids and Yes I wanted the whole picket fence.

“I’m going out,” The last three words he said before slamming the front door shut.

My mother had called and said that she was going to spend the night at Zacky’s mothers. I barely remembered the conversation. I had spent most of the night doing the one thing I hated Zacky doing. I drank. I didn’t drink the same hard stuff he did but I did enough damage.

Ichabod let out a huff when I pulled out a knot too hard. I rubbed his stomach and scratched his ears. It felt weird to have the house to myself. I never liked it. The house was new but acted like it was old. It wasn’t bigger then my old house but I liked my old house, it was home. This was Zacky’s home. Sometimes I felt like a guest. Those sometimes were culminating to this moment.

I heard something creak downstairs. I moved over to Zacky’s side of the bed. The sound happened again, this time it was louder. I crawled out of bed and fixed my shorts before walking down the hall. The sound happened again. It wasn’t one of the noises, that normally happened.

I ran down the stairs and shivered when the cold tiles hit my foot. This was why I preferred wood over tile. I walked down the hall and rubbed my thighs when I got into the kitchen. The sliding door was open. The sound happened again when the wind blew through. I walked over to the door and slipped it back into place. I needed to call someone to fix it.

I rubbed my thighs again and stepped back into the kitchen. The tile was even colder in the kitchen. I looked back outside and noticed the wind rattling against the top of the door. I barely even connected it till the door started to slip from the frame. I wrapped my arms around my head. I could still hear the crash though. I opened my eyes and looked at the shattered glass. I couldn’t step anywhere without cutting myself.

“Linette,” It was Zacky.

“I’m in here,” I said loud enough but my ears were ringing so I couldn’t tell. I barely could even tell if it was Zacky.

“Holy shit,” I looked at Zacky and just looked back at where the door once stood, “Hold on,” He stepped over the glass in his shoes and picked me up.

“What were you doing in the kitchen?”

“I heard some noises and came downstairs to check it out,” Zacky looked at the kitchen more then he looked at me. He walked us out and put me on the floor. I let out a hiss when my foot sliced on something. He picked me up again and sighed

“Come on,”

“Zacky I can walk myself. I’ve dealt with worse,” He didn’t put me down instead he just readjusted me and walked me to the downstairs bathroom.

“You’ve been drinking.” He said putting me on the sink counter, “Then again it’s not like I haven’t been.”

“Nice. We’d better get someone for the kitchen unless we want raccoons fighting Ichabod,” I said softly.

“Linette,”

“I’m sorry but it was the truth. I couldn’t lie. I can’t look at you and lie,” I said. Zacky grabbed my foot and put it in the sink. I bit my lip when the water rushed out cold.

“Linette, It’s not the fact that you don’t want marriage or kids. It’s the fact that when you said it. You made it seem like you didn’t want it for us. You made it seem like…it wasn’t in our future. I just want to know that we have one,” He said touching my foot with a towel trying to stop the bleeding.

I moved my hands and grabbed his hands. He didn’t look at me but didn’t try to take his hands away. I grabbed his chin and made him look at me. I took it a step further and leaned in closer to him till finally if I moved anymore I’d be sitting in the sink.

“You are my future and whatever comes with it. I just want us to have a chance to become us,” I said softly.

Zacky took the next step and took me back upstairs.