Start To Begin Again

Piece Twenty.

I grabbed the saddle off the post and lifted it on the horse. The job Zacky had gotten me an interview for. I got it. Which wasn’t a shock after they heard my last name, they’re jaws dropped. I never knew my father was that known and I felt like a princess because I had gotten the job mostly probably because of him but after my first week I think I proved myself. I mean wouldn’t you think so if you got a horse to stop trampling one of the highest contributors to the club.

Work was the only thing that kept me happy. It kept my work off everything and anything. It made me calm and easy to talk to. Nothing else was. Everything made me on edge. Everything but one thing but that one thing was making everything worse. It was Zacky.

It also wasn’t Zacky. It was us. Nothing was right anymore. Nothing felt right anymore. The arm around me when I slept didn’t feel right. The kisses felt wrong, every movement, every action. Everything was wrong and I couldn’t fix it. I had broken it and I couldn’t fix it.

We still acted like nothing was wrong. We’d go out for walks with the dogs, eat dinner with friends and have sex but it didn’t feel right. We both knew it and still we’d do the motions every time and every time. We’d just roll over and fall asleep.

My mother had left. She knew there was tension. I could say she started it but the things I told Zacky. That conversation was going to happen at some point. We had somehow bypassed it in the two years we were together and I probably had hoped somewhere in my heart that we would keep bypassing it till eventually it probably wasn’t an issue anymore.

I snapped my self out of my thoughts and adjusted the saddle on the horse. I led it out to one of the trainers. I was going to be one till I had found it that it was mostly with kids and it hurt to even think about it. Not because I wanted one but because it would bring up memories of Zacky and I was trying my hardest to make work only about work.

So I stayed in the stable. I fed the horses, cleaned after them; I did everything to stay in the stables. I was happy there. Happy where, no one would ask me questions. Questions I didn’t want to answer or that would make me relive it.

The sun was starting to set and I realized it was almost the end of my shift but I wasn’t ready to go home yet. My mind wondered if Zacky would even be home or if he would be sitting in the living room watching TV with Ichabod on one side, Majesty on the other. He’d probably smile and pat his leg for me sit down and watch whatever he was watching.

That was the routine if he was home. If he wasn’t, I’d either call Jimmy or Matt. They’d say he’d be on his way and we’d spend the night cooking together without speaking but somehow knowing what the other needed. We didn’t talk. We barely did. It hurt that we had been reduced to a couple of sentences a day, sometimes just a couple of words or sounds. It was depressing to be at home and it was also worse to not be at home.

I redid my ponytail and pulled my gloves off before texting my boss to tell her I’d be leaving. That’s how I communicated with her. She was usually pretty busy and would never answer the phone or a page unless it had something to do with family.

She wasn’t that much older than me and sometimes I wanted to ask how could she could handle a family and run a business but I kept the question to myself and just did my work.

I grabbed my bag from my locker and looked over my missing texts, most of them from cousins in Wales. They had just heard about my mother.

A couple from Leana and Michelle, and only one from Val. Of course all of the girls had heard about Zacky and me. I didn’t expect them not to.

Val Surprisingly was the most supportive even though I knew she wasn’t my biggest fan. She was different from Leana and Michelle. Lacey kept her comments to her self unless she really wanted to say something.

Leana acted like a sister and told me Zacky was just being unfair. Michelle said she understood because Brian was the same way and she wanted to wait. Val was different. She wanted kids but also knew the expense of having kids before you were ready and before you were sure.

Sometimes though I wondered if maybe I should just tell Zacky kids were possible but I just wanted to wait but I couldn’t give him false hope. That was the worst kind of hope. It was almost like telling a terminally ill patient that a cure could be found tomorrow.

I couldn’t do that to Zacky.

I read the texts but didn’t reply.

I went to my car and happily slid into the seat. I was using Zacky’s smaller car. He said he didn’t like it. He was happy to even change the name on the registration to mine but I said no. I never owned my own car and I didn’t really want too.

….

I didn’t drive straight home instead I ran some errands knowing I didn’t have work tomorrow and probably wouldn’t leave the house. I had called everyone for lunch since Zacky and I had really been keeping to ourselves like we used to and it wasn’t fair to them or to Zacky who relied heavily on his friends.

So I ran my errands and picked a few things I knew we needed in the house. I also picked Zacky’s latest package that had been sitting at Fed Ex for the past couple of days. Neither of us had the urge to go get it. It was probably something from the Clothing line which was the only thing that usually came via Fed Ex.

I finally went home and juggled the dry cleaning and my bag in one hand. The package in the other. Zacky’s other car was in the driveway meaning he was probably sitting in the living room waiting like always. I walked in through the garage because the door was always open unless we were going to bed. It was a way to make sure not to track in mud when it was raining.

Zacky wasn’t in the living room or anywhere downstairs. So I dropped my bag and the dry cleaning on the couch before heading up stair.

“Zacky?”

“Bedroom.” I walked towards the master bedroom and saw him hanging up his clothes. I smiled slightly. Zacky had changed when I first left him. He knew how to actually take care of himself and it made me a little happier.

“Is that the package from VU?” I nodded and handed him the box.

Instead of opening the package he threw it on the ground and just looked at me for a second before closing the space in between us. I looked at him oddly before stepping up and kissing him. He returned the kiss in the same lackluster way I had given it. It was lazy and tight but still we played the game our hormones had planned.

We did this most everyday. Trying to convince ourselves we were still hot and heavy as we used to be but everyday it was all wrong and awkward. Our efforts no longer smooth and fluid, they were choppy and short. He couldn’t blame me and I couldn’t blame him because we both knew we were doing it for the other and not for ourselves.

We were trying to ignite the fire that kept us together but right now there was a sudden flood of water that just blew it out.

So here we were sitting on the carpet with rug burn on my lower back just staring at the ceiling. It was quiet expect for the sound of the automated air conditioner kicking on. I didn’t say anything till Zacky reached over me and grabbed the box from VU. I rolled onto my side and stared at the wall with my back to Zacky.

“Shit,” I turned my head just in time to see Zack throw the white box at the wall barely missing the TV. Sometimes I forgot Zacky played baseball. I saw why he got so angry. A small t-shirt slid out of the box and hit the ground. A t-shirt that wouldn’t fit the most anorexic person there was; a T-shirt that would only fit one type of a person.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I said clearing my throat, “Us; just going through the motions. I come home we eat, we have sex and we just breath. We don’t talk. We just breathe and sit there,” I paused, “I can’t do that. I can’t have you looking at me but not see me. I can’t have you touch me but not hold me. I can’t do this if you don’t love me. I can’t have you resenting me and this relationship till we’re old and grey because I didn’t want to have kids.” I grabbed my jeans and pulled them back on.

“Linette,”

“I want the god honest truth,”

“I want kids not now but I want them. I mean. It’s just how I am Linette. I see kids in my future and I want you there,” He said closing the space between us.

“But can you see a future with me and no children?” I asked looking at him directly in the eyes.

“I…I don’t know,” I sighed and nodded.

I had gotten my answer and wished it wasn’t true. I kissed Zacky’s cheek and wiped a stray piece of hair from his eyes. He grabbed my hand and looked at me softly. I sighed and kissed him again. This time for the first time in a while the kiss had passion but it also had sadness.

“I’m going to Leana’s for a little,” I said kissing his cheek.

I didn’t say anything else before walking out of the house and across the street.