And I'll Sculpt My Life For Your Acceptance

The next few days I spent like I usually did, going to work, cleaning, shopping with Edie, pretty much making myself think that the guys were still on tour or just forgetting about them all together.

I was regretting falling for Billie so fast and letting myself believe that I actually meant something to him. I was regretting the time we spent together and I was regretting the first night I slept with him; I thought it was different from the rest, I thought that this time could be the time that I’ve been waiting my entire life for. And as much as I hated admitting it because I didn’t think I was ready, hell I was still so young! But I really thought I’d found ‘the one’.

Edie had been good, every time Billie called, she’d tell him that if he wanted to tell me what happened it had to be in person and so far, I hadn’t seen him in person. It upset me a lot to think that I didn’t mean enough to him to get the truth; I wasn’t even worth a lie!

I didn’t tell Casey about it, I told him that everything was fine and that I hadn’t asked Billie about it yet and I’d asked Edie what she knew about the tour and when Tony asked about it I told him those details.

I had decided that if I hadn’t spoken to Billie in a week’s time, I was going to go to Jersey for a few weeks, clear my head.

I didn’t have to wait a week though. The next day he came around to see me. He looked terrible; he had huge black bags under his eyes, his skin was really pale for somebody who lived in California and he hadn’t shaved in a long time.

“We need to talk.” Were the first words he said to me. I let him in and he went towards my bedroom. “It needs to be in private.” He said, obviously noticing me glance at the living room.

I just followed and sat next to him on my bed once we’d arrived there. He didn’t talk for a while and it was starting to get on my nerves. “Well? Are you going to talk?” I snapped.

He looked at me, his eyes catching mine. I could see the hurt behind them and it made me angry; he was hurt? Well what the hell was I going to be once I hear what happened.

“Karmony, firstly I want you to know that I never planned on hurting you, ever.”

“I really want to believe you Billie, but you’re making it hard.” I said, feeling tears begin to swell up in my eyes.

“I know and I am truly sorry for that.” He said before taking a deep breath and looking me right in my eyes. “I don’t even know how to tell you this. If Mike was here he’d just blurt it ou-”

I interrupted him. “Mike isn’t here so get to the point.”

“Alright, um, well, at the third show, maybe. I ran into an old girlfriend. I told her I had a girlfriend and I was happy with you but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She started following the band around to all the shows and eventually we, uh …yeah, we slept together. It didn’t mean anything, I promise! It just kind of h-”

I cut him off once again. “How many times? Because I know it wasn’t just the one time.”

He looked away from me for the first time and down at his lap. “After almost every show.” His voice was so low that I barely heard him.

“Almost?” I asked. The tears were now falling freely from my eyes; I wasn’t even going to hide them. I wanted him to see how hurt I really was by this.

“There were a few where I refused to see anyone after the show because I felt so guilty.” He confessed, looking up at me again. His eyes were clouded over with tears too. “I am so sorry.”

I shook my head. “No you’re not! If you were sorry you wouldn’t have let it happen again after the first time. You shouldn’t have even let it happen then!” I was yelling now and I heard Edie’s footsteps come out of her room. “Just leave Billie. I don’t ever want to see or talk to you again.” Of course I was lying to both of us when I said that.

“Please, Karmony. Don’t do this.” He begged as Edie came through the door. I just shook my head and walked out of my room and into the bathroom, the only room in the apartment that had a lock on the door apart from the front door.

I could hear muffled voices arguing in my room still but I couldn’t understand what they were saying.

I stayed in there for what felt like hours. I’d cried so much I was beginning to think I was running out of tears as I was crying but nothing was coming out.

Eventually, Edie came knocking on the door, asking me to come out, I ignored her at first until I realised she wasn’t going to give up. I rose from my spot against the bath tub and walked over to the door, unlocking it and letting Edie in.

“Can we go home now?” Were the only words that came out of my mouth for the rest of the night.

Edie booked us 2 tickets to New Jersey and we left the next morning. She’d called Tony that night and told him that I wouldn’t be able to come into work for a few weeks, he was fine with it.

My trip home didn’t exactly go to plan; I soon became aware that coming home while in this state was a bad idea, a really bad idea.