And I'll Sculpt My Life For Your Acceptance

One day while I was waiting to meet up with Cameron I ran into some old friends, friends who I had promised everybody around me I wouldn’t talk to again. Friends that had the way to make me happy again. Friends I couldn’t trust, but I didn’t care. I just needed a way to escape from the emptiness that was slowly eating me alive.

I told them that I would meet up with them later that night; I couldn’t ditch Cameron on the first day seeing each other since I’d gotten back, even if I did think about it.

A week after meeting up with those friends, I was back into my old habits. It’s weird how easy you can fall back into the traps, how you can remember the feeling of the smoke running into your lungs, the burning of the liquid down your throat, the numbing of your nose and how you crave it so much more when you know you can’t have it.

Before I knew it I was back to spending every night smoking meth and dancing around a random living room, waiting for everybody to get here so we could go out to some bar. It was the same routine as before and I was heading down the path of destruction faster than before. I didn’t care though, the only thing I cared about was my precious never ending supply due to one of my ‘friends’, which included Dylan; his dad was one of the biggest meth dealers in Jersey and I spent more time at his place than with my dad and even Edie. I think she thought I’d gone back to Berkeley. I stopped answering her calls a few days ago.

“Karmony, baby, where’s the party at tonight?” Dylan asked me one afternoon while we were chillin’ in his room.

I just shrugged. “Ask Lucy.” I said, not taking my eyes off the TV.

He laughed at me. “She’s on the phone now, she said to ask you.” I turned my head slowly.

“She wants me to choose?” I used to be the one who controls where we go before I decided to get clean, I decided what drugs were supplied because I was the one paying for them. Now that was Lucy, and with her asking me it was like she was giving up the title of Party Girl to me.

Dylan nodded his head, laughing more.

“Oh fuck, uh, how about the bar that we were looking at this morning but it was shut?” I suggested. Dylan told Lucy what I’d said and nodded to me before saying goodbye and hanging up.

“Looks like we got a new pack leader!” Dylan joked, ruffling my hair as he walked around the couch to sit next to me.

“It only took a few weeks too!” I grinned back at him before we both turned our attention back to the TV.

I left about 2 hours later to go home and get ready. When I got back Cam and my dad were sitting on the couch. “Hey guys, bye guys.” I said quickly as I rushed past.

“Karmony, come back here now.” My dad’s loud voice echoed through the house. I stopped in my tracks and turned slowly, this seemed a lot like when he’d found out last time.

I slowly walked back into the room. “Yeah dad?”

“Where were you last night?” He asked. I had a feeling he already knew.

I noticeable gulped. I knew I was in deep shit but it didn’t stop me from lying. “At a friend’s house.” That wasn’t really a lie; I was at a friend’s house before I went out.

“Do not lie to me Karmony.” He growled.

“I’m not lying I was at a friends house! You can call his dad if you want?” I was starting to get angry and defensive now and that wasn’t a good thing. My dad knew my actions now and he was sure to see right through my act.

He stood up and came over to me, staring right into my eyes. “You came back here to get over some deadbeat jerk and you end up going and getting fucked up every night. I don’t even know who you are anymore. Did you know that I didn’t realise what was going on until I got a phone call from Edie. She asked if you’d gone back to Berkley without saying goodbye, I thought you’d been spending everyday with her but now I know what you’re really doing. It has to stop, now. I thought you were going to stay clean from now on?”

I couldn’t even look at him, I knew I’d disappointed him again and it hurt me more than I expected it to.

“Some times I wish your mother was here to help me make decisions.” He said softly. Making me feel even worse. “You are exactly like she was before I met her, did you know that. I helped her get clean, it wasn’t easy for either of us but because we loved each other we tried our best. And I love you just as much as I loved her and all I want is for you to be happy and I don’t think that the drugs are making you happy.”

“You know what dad? You don’t know what makes me happy! You never fucking have!” I yelled as I turned around and stormed off to my room, slamming the door behind me. I don’t know what happened, one minute what he was saying was getting through to me but then he mentioned my mother and I just snapped.

I grabbed my suitcase that had I brought with me from Berkeley and stuffed all my clothes and other stuff in it. I was going to stay at Dylan’s for a while, fuck my dad.