And I'll Sculpt My Life For Your Acceptance

I left the house while my dad was in the kitchen. I ran into Cameron on my way out, he just shook his head and walked away from me. I guess it was good that he didn’t say anything that would get our fathers attention.

Because I didn’t have my car with me I had to walk around to Dylan’s which would make it easy for my father to find me if Cam told him I’d left, so every time I heard a car coming I would quickly hide behind the closest tree. I must have looked like I was fucked up. But luckily none of the cars that went past belonged to my father.

When I got to Dylan’s I knocked on the door, knowing that the door was continuously locked because of, well, his dads ‘job’. The door opened about a minute later to reveal Karl, Dylan’s dad. He looked like your average business man; he always wore a suit and always looked clean. If I didn’t know better I wouldn’t be able to tell what his job really was.

“Hey, Karl. Is Dylan home?” I asked.

He nodded his head, “Hey Karmony. He’s in his room, I think.” He told me and stood aside to let me in. “What’s with the suitcase?” He asked once we were inside and he’d locked the door again.

“Oh um, I was kind of hoping to stay here for a few nights. Shit went down and home and I left.”

“You’re welcome here anytime, Karmony.” He said, walking back into the living room while I went down the hall to where Dylan’s room was.

I knocked softly on his door but I didn’t wait for him to let me in, I just pushed the door open. He was lying on his bed watching some movie. He looked up and smiled.

“You’re back sooner than I thought.” He said as he paused the movie and sat up. “What’s with the suitcase?”

“You’re dad just asked me the exact same question.” I told him as I laughed. “I was actually hoping to stay here for a few nights…?” I hoped that he would be fine with it, like Karl was.

“Sure. You’re pretty much here constantly anyway.” He told me. I laughed lightly again and sat down on the couch that was facing the TV. “You okay?” He asked.

I looked over at him and nodded. “Yeah, everything’s cool.” I said slowly.

For some reason he didn’t believe me. He shook his head and opened the top draw of his bedside table, pulling out a small bag filled with white power and threw it at me. “Now everything is cool.”

Before we left to go out that night I was so fucked up I could barely walk. Dylan had to practically carry me to Lucy’s car. She wasn’t impressed with the state I was in, she even told Dylan to leave me at home but I refused.

I should have done as she said because I couldn’t remember the rest of the night. The only thing I can remember is the car ride and getting my first bottle of whatever the fuck I was drinking than I woke up in some weird room.

You know when you wake up and you’re not sure where you are and you freak out but slowly figure it out? Well this was like that except I didn’t figure out where I was. It looked like a hotel room, which freaked me out even more because that meant I was here with somebody else. There was nobody next to me which was a good sign but then I heard the shower turn off. I lifted the blankets that were covering me to see if I still had my clothes on, I did.

The door to where I presume the bathroom was opened slowly to reveal a guy in just a towel. It took me a few seconds to recognise the guy and when I did I started to wish it was just some random guy that I hooked up with last night.

“How are you feeling this morning?” Billie Joe asked once he noticed I was awake.

I glared at him as I swung the blankets off my body and stood up, the room started to spin slightly, forcing me to sit back down.

He laughed. “I take that as a ‘not good’.” I continued to glare at him as I stood up, slower this time. “You were fucked up last night.” He told me as I crossed the room.

“Where are my shoes?” I asked rudely. I didn’t want to be walking the streets with no shoes on. He just shrugged and glanced around the room quickly.

“I actually don’t think you were wearing any…” he said after he realised they weren’t in the room.

“Fuck it. I don’t need them.” I said angrily as I tried to open the door without any luck due to the locks on it. “Open you shit!” I yelled at the door, kicking it forcefully.

Billie laughed again and came over to the door, this time with a pair of jeans on. “If you wait two minutes, I’ll drive you back to your dads.” He told me.

“I’m not going back there.” I said as I finally got the locks undone and the door opened. “And you can stick your lift up your arse.” I said as I stormed out of the hotel room and down the hall.

It didn’t take me long to find the elevator and it took me even less time to find the exit. When I got out onto the street I looked up at the hotel to see if I recognised it, I did. It was about a 20 minute walk to my house from here so it was about a half hour walk to Dylan’s.

But before I even made it to the end of the street Billie was stopping me.

“Karmony, I know I fucked up big time with you but please, please don’t do this to yourself.” He begged. “If I’d known that you would run back here and start using all the drugs you could get your pretty little hands on, I would have stopped you. So please, just come back to Berkeley with me.”

I refused to look at him because I knew the look he was giving me and I wasn’t going to give into him. “Billie, I-I can’t do that. Just go back to Berkeley and forget I ever existed.”

“You won’t exist soon!” He yelled at me. “I saw your friends last night, so many of them looked like they were going to just die or already were dead. There was no life in their eyes and there isn’t much left in yours. You mean too much to me to just let you ruin your life and your families’.” His voice sounded like it was close to tears. “I talked to your dad yesterday. He told me what was going on with you and he’s scared, Kar, he is so damn scared that something is going to happen to you. Something really bad.”

I could feel myself giving in to him but a part of me refused. “I don’t care.” I spat at him. “I don’t care about anything that you have to say. I just want to go home.”

“Let me take you there then. I just want to know that you’re safe there.” He said, grabbing my hand softly.

I still wouldn’t look at him and he was trying to make me. He kept lifting my chin but I’d just look in a different direction.

“I’ll get there myself and just trust me, I’m safe there.”

“I just want to see so myself.”

“Billie, just leave me alone. We’re not together anymore and we never will be again so stop trying to act like you care, if you did you wouldn’t have fucked your ex!” I yelled at him, ripping my hand out of him and storming away. Leaving a shocked Billie standing on the side of the road.

I got a few streets a way from where I left him and just broke down. It hurt me to say that to Billie. I didn’t mean any of it; I didn’t want him to leave me alone and I wanted to forgive him and go back to how we were, but I don’t know if that is possible.

About 40 minutes later, I got to Dylan’s. I’d walked extra slow because I was thinking so much. I stood out the front for a while until I figured out what I was going to do with the Billie situation. A part of me wanted to go inside and get completely fucked up but another part of me wanted to go back to the hotel and get Billie to take me home to Berkeley.

The first part won, of course. I’d deal with the rest of my problems tomorrow. And plus, my head was pounding so hard and I needed to get rid of that before I could think rationally.