Trashed and Scattered

I was sitting, waiting for the door to slam again and for my world to be turned upside down for the fourth time this week. It happened every night, and I knew what was upon me when my father stepped through that door. It had been on-going for months, I should know.

I could hear the stomping of his footsteps as he neared the door, closer. Closer. I shuddered with fear as the thought of what would happen to me tonight ran through my head.
“Where’s my dinner?”, my father roared
“I.. I haven’t ma-” I couldn’t finish the sentence my body was paralyzed.
“WHY?”, he screamed in my face
I didn’t answer, I glared at him. His fists hitting my ribs, this though, was not unusual. I’ve almost began to find it painless, almost.
“I might as well do everything my self ‘round here! YOUR USELESS!”, he shouted pushing me to the floor and storming through to his bedroom.

I sat weeping on the sofa, I just wanted my mother back. He was fine when she was alive, after she was gone he started inflicting his pain and anger on me. I have the bruises to prove such things.

I am rarely allowed out of the house, apart from school. I’ve been strictly told not to talk to anyone, he’s worried in case I tell the world what he does to me; though I’d never. I fear what he’d do if I did.

So yeah, my name is Aidan Maree Vaughan. I’m a girl, thanks. I’ve just moved here, to Orange County, California and the most important thing of all: My father beats me, get with it.

Label me, that's fine, I'll be somebody else,
Lie about my life, have a story to tell

- - - -

I stepped on the school bus, but once again my fragile, hurt body shivered with the cold. I saw a girl that seemed reasonably kind, I smiled softly as I sat down next to her.

“Hey, I’m Dixie.” she gave me her hand.
“I’m Aidan”, I replied. Giving my hand and placing it in hers
“New then?”
“Sure am..” My eyes almost filling with tears

“Are you okay?” Dixie rubbed my arm friendly, I winced.
I felt as if I was about to burst out crying there and then, telling everyone what kind of a monster my father was and that’s why we moved here in the first place. The neighbours expected something was up, so we fled.

Dixie must have realised that I was a freak, surely.
“I’m fine, just tired from moving and stuff. You?”

She gazed at me worry in her deep brown eyes, she wasn‘t convinced. Her mouth was just about to open, to begin talking but the bus pulled up at the school. I’ve never been so glad for that moment in my life.

Dixie however caught up with me and stayed at my side while we walked through the gates. It was the only place I felt safe from him, physically. Mentally he would always haunt me. A fresh start in a new school, the place where kids were bound to tease me by my name, tease me about my looks and how I act - it was the same in my old school.. But it was better than nothing.

“Do you know what registration your in Aidan?”, Dixie asked glancing down at me. She was a bit taller than me, only by an inch or so.
“5.3” I replied quickly
“Oh! Same. Great, at least you’ll know someone. It’s death when you’re new and you know nobody!”

Huh? I was new to her. I didn’t know her.
“Yeah, beats”, I replied biting on my bottom lip.

“You can sit next to me and the guys at lunch. If you want, we’ll welcome you with open arms.”
“Guys..?”
“Don’t worry, Matt, Brian, Zacky and Jimmy don’t bite. They’ll probably take a shine to you.”
“Interesting”, I mumbled.

“So where you originally from?”, she asked
“North Carolina.”
“Woah, your far from home then!”
“Yeah.. I guess.” I rolled my eyes, questions, questions. I hate questions.
“I’m sure you’ll fit in though, it’s great here!” she exclaimed excitedly, I wasn’t so sure.

- - - -

Trashed and scattered again, I'm feelin' so low
You waste your breath while fuckin' with me, my blood is so cold
My destination is always unknown, I'll find my way there
but Goddamn Impostor are you out of your mind?

“You do know you have to say an introduction in front of the class as the bell rings, don’t you?” My registration teacher, Mr Baxter explained
“I do? Nobody told me.” I bit my bottom lip.

“Don’t worry. There’s another new kid.”
My stomach settled then, at least I wouldn’t be the only one.
I stood in front of the class, shaking a little.

“Well I’m Aidan Vaughan…” I began, but got interrupted by some dude that obviously thought he was so ‘awesome’.

“What kind of name is that for a girl?!”, he shouted, the class laughed of course..

“I don’t know.. I didn’t choose it, did I?” I shook my head “Anyway, I’m from North Carolina, no I do not speak North Carolinian. I speak fluent English.”

“Are you sure you’re a girl?” the same dude shouted out, already I was making some enemies. Mr Baxter knew I was struggling carrying on up there after that and kindly stood in
“Thank you, Aidan. You may go sit down.”

There was two spares beside Dixie of course I was going to choose there.
Then, the next new kid walked through the door. Quite short, for a dude. He had a small black ‘hawk, and hazel-ish brown eyes. And he had a rancid shirt on, my favorite band. Ever.

“Nice for you to join us.”
“Sorry, I missed the bus..”, he panted
“Fair enough. Give use your introduction now.”

“Well, hey”, he panted again, still out of breath “I’m.. Johnny, call me Johnny..” he took deep breaths in. “I just moved here from down state. Yeah.”

Mr Baxter noticed he was struggling to stay up there too, and guided this Johnny kid to a seat. The one, right next to me.

I seen him roll his eyes, in an awkward fashion.
“I’m Aidan.” I couldn’t let him suffer in silence, thinking he was the only new kid “I’m new too.”

“You are? That’s sweet.”

I didn't feel as lonely as I thought I would on my first day, but it's still really awkward isn't it?
Sitting with people at lunch that you have no idea of what they are, who they could be.

I examined their faces, looking over each and every one of them. The bell for first period rang, it was a lot louder than my old school's bell. You wouldn't be able to hear that for miles, seriously.

I can't describe the pain my ribs are causing right now, it's sharp but it also has a warm tingle to it. A painful tingle. I began thinking about telling Dixie, but I didn‘t think at the time that she would understand.

Trashed and scattered again, I'm feelin' so low
You waste your breath while fuckin' with me, my blood is so cold.

- - - -

"It's just up here.." said Dixie, showing myself and Johnny the way to our art class. I began to wonder why the teachers didn't do it. Wasn't it their job to be helpful? To show you around when you're a new kid? Clearly not.

Mrs Michaels didn't look as what I expected at all. She was tall, of slender build, fiery red hair and pale skin. She looks as if she was in her late twenties or young thirties nothing older than that. No way. I pictured her to be a small, round woman, with long grey hair pulled back in a bun. I imagined her voice to be high pitched and irritating but it wasn't. Her voice was soft, like velvet.

I chose the seat up the back, while Johnny chose the seat diagonal to my own and a few rows in front. I looked up, gazing at everyone. Imagining what secrets they held behind their eyes. Making stories up in my head about what they did in their spare time. What sort of music they listened to, the sports they played. I thought of it all. I thought about their home lives, if they were any similar to my own. Gosh, I so desperately craved for someone that understood my pain and my anger. Someone I could trust. I hadn't found them yet, I planned to though.

I looked up from my drawing, to notice Johnny smirking at me. I gave him a smile back and he sat back properly in his seat. His mohawk lightly moving with the wind from the open windows. I wanted to touch it, to see if it felt as bouncy as it looked. 'Not right now, concentrate Aidan.' I told myself, looking back down at my drawing. 'Ugh, this is not right at all..' I muttered, my arms ached and I couldn't draw properly.

"Is there a problem, Aidan?" Mrs Michaels asked, her velvety voice filling the air as she walked towards me.

"I.. I can't get this bit right!" I complained, I hated failing in drawing it was always something I was good at

"Give me your arm..", she looked at me her grey eyes sparkled. I pulled my arms close beside me, I hurt too much. Instead of risking getting caught with bruises, I decided to give her my arm. Shuddering as she moved it along the page. "There you go, you see. You just needed a little help that's all." her white teeth gleamed as she smiled at me, almost a touch of sympathy in her eyes. I looked back down at my drawing, rightly so, the petal on the rose was now a lot better than what I first started.

The bell sounding for second period rang, I didn't want to leave that class. I didn't want to leave Mrs Michaels' velvety soft voice that reminded me so much of my mothers. Yet, I hurried out of that class my hair in front my face acting as my shield against the world.

"Hey, Aiddy, wait up!" I turned round to see Johnny frantically running after me

"Don't call me that, ever", I snapped. My mother called me that, everyone else was strictly to call me Aidan and Aidan only.

"Sorry, uh.. what you got now?" he asked, panting heavily

"I have music, you?" Please don't say me too, I begged in my head.

"Me too!" Great.

My music teacher was named Mr Anderson, he was exactly how I pictured him. Moody, old, fat and balding. His voice was hoarse, like he always had a sore throat. Come to think of it, he coughed practically all the time. I missed the sweet tone of Mrs Michaels' voice as soon as I heard his.

"Class.." he grumbled "Today, we will be working in partners. But first, we have to welcome the new kids.." his voice droned towards the ending of the sentence

"I'm Aidan." I could hear muttering and loud whispers. I knew what they were all saying. 'What kind of name is that for a girl?' I heard it so many times it was getting sickening.

"And I'm Johnny." I was surprised that there was whispers for him as well, I didn't expect that at all. But I guess, being the 'new kids' you're always going to get the odd whisper hear and there.

I spotted the kid that had shouted out; "Are you sure you're a girl?" to me during registration. I rolled my eyes, I didn't want to start any fights. I wasn't in a fit state to do that, even though I badly wanted to. I was one for fights in my old school, always getting into trouble for it. “I’m so disappointed in you, Aiddy.” my mother would declare day in, day out. Though, just before her sudden death she told me to promise not to fight anymore, to just get good grades and be the daughter she expected me to be. That hurt, that really hurt, your mother telling you she’s disappointed in you is a lot worse that her saying that she’s mad at you. Don’t you think?

"You may take a seat now..", the teacher grumbled again. I wanted to be back in Mrs Michaels' class badly, I felt safe there.

"That dude, is like so freakin' weird man. Look at his balding head!", Johnny said, looking at me and grinning a goofy smile.

"Yeah, he should totally be locked up for weirdness!", I replied sarcastically

"Hell yeah!"

I sort of liked this Johnny guy, he seemed pretty cool. Not the most clever person I've ever met, but still pretty cool.

"Right.. today, children. We will be working in partners.." Mr Anderson's voice almost made the tables vibrate, it was a rough, loud voice and I wasn't fond of it at all.

"You already said that dude!", shouted out that guy from registration, he really thought he was something.

"Hah! Good one Matt", another said, and the whole group began laughing

I wondered if this could be the same Matt that Dixie mentioned, no, it couldn't be. She wouldn't hang around with guys like that, would she? I feared incase she did. This Matt guy seemed pretty tough, 'one to watch' as my mother used to say.

"Yes.. Matthew. Good spotting", said Mr Anderson, his moustache beating off his bottom lip. "If you let me finish. Today, you will be all put onto instruments, of your own choice."

Darn, I didn't know what I wanted to do. Biting my bottom lip while I thought, drums, bass, electric, what could I do? I would probably be useless at it all. My arms weak, my fingers weak, everything was weak.

"I'm gunna do bass, I'm amazin' at it, dude", said Johnny pouting

"Fair", I replied, still trying to think what I could do.

"Any more for drums? We need another for drums", called out the teacher. I suppose, I could do drums. I didn't have anything else.

"I will." I stood up

"Oh, why do I have to be stuck with the girl?", asked a tall boy, one from Matt's group, I suddenly began regretting my choice. He really seemed like he didn't want to work with me, at all. "She won't know anything about drums", added through gritted teeth. Though he was right, I didn't know anything about drums, I still felt a little annoyed that he happened to quickly assume. Fair enough, I was a new kid. I was bound to be shit at everything.

"Now, James. Be nice. She's a new kid", Mr Anderson half whispered, though I could still clearly hear him. I always pick the bad choices.

James was tall, thin, and looked as if he'd bite your head off if you said anything bad about him. But, for some reason I was just lost by him. I wanted to know more about him.

- - - -

"Okay, so here's the deal. I play the drums, and you sit there and shut the fuck up. Right?", he snickered, I nodded in reply unsure of what to say. "I'm fucking around... liven up, would ya?" he added, making me feeling uncomfortable as I was still unsure of what to say or if he was really 'fucking around'. His voice, some what high pitched, but could quickly change to a lower tone if he wanted.

"I'm Jimmy, by the way." He smiled.

The months passed and I became almost 'best friends' with Dixie, we understood each other. Like we were sisters, or something. My happiness was always on a high while I was in school but at home, it was somewhat, nothing.

"You are a waste of fuckin' space Aidan, you know that?", my father yelled as I shuddered with fear.

"Yes", I replied as quietly as a mouse

"I DIDN'T HEAR YOU"

"YES!", I yelled. I was never, ever to yell at my father, though on this occasion I had. I ran through to the bathroom and locked the door. As I heard his footsteps nearing the door my eyes widened, he could kill me.. But they walked right past and out the front door, I was alone.

I got up and escaped to his room, looking for anything of my mothers. Anything at all. What I came across wasn't what I expected.

"Don beat me again tonight. I'm covered in bruises, and I think he could kill me."
I read over that line, again and again. My father beat up my mother?!

I had to get away. The only place I could think of was Dixie's to confess everything, showing her my bruises and telling her that I honestly thought my father could have killed my mom. Would she understand? I doubt it, her parents are so loving to one another.

- - - -

"Do you want me and the guys to sort him out?" sympathy all over her face
"No, that wouldn't do anything.. It'll only make things worse." By 'sort him out' I wasn't quite sure as to what she meant. Kill him? Give him a talking to? That wouldn't solve the problem. Nothing could sort out the problem.

- - - -

"You killed her didn't you?", I mumbled to my father as he sat on the sofa across from me. He glared over, hatred and anger in his eyes. He knew that I knew. He was even more of a monster than I thought he was.

"How dare you, how dare you say that!", he screamed

"WELL IT'S TRUE! ISN'T IT?"

"I can't stand the sight of you any longer, get out. GET OUT!", he shoved me out the door. I was officially homeless.

Walking through the streets, kicking empty cans. The cold air wrapped around me and I shivered. I kept thinking over and over about my mother, if she had been in pain or not. I should have been there for her, I should have noticed the signs. But it's too late and I can never ever forgive myself for it. I'd have to live with it for years. I began knowing the streets as my home, these streets are my home.

Walk down these roads alone and now you're seen here,
My feelings that I'm having towards you are perfectly clear.

- - - -

"Hey, Aidan, is that you?" I heard a voice shout behind me, I knew that that voice. It was Matt's. You could tell my the manly voice that it was him.

"Meh. What's it to ya?" I hung my head low, not wanting to talk to anyone

"Well, I just wanted to say. Me and the guys, we're going away.. on tour."

"That's great.." I sighed, I'd miss them terribly.

- - - -

Matt, Brian, Jimmy, Zacky and Johnny are now a famous band.Avenged Sevenfold, kids all over the world adored them. Look up to them, and think of them as their heroes. I am happy for them of course, but it meant at the time of our teens I'd lose my best friends. Selfish, I know, but I couldn't help it. I'd miss them with all my heart and I couldn't stand that. Not one bit, but fuck yeah. I could live without them, I didn't have them before so I didn't need them after. Nonetheless my heart ached for a few months, wanting them back so I could hold them close.

And now, as the years have flown past, I've been in and out of jail. Various things, really. They suspected my of killing my father, why? Because he beat me up for years and I never said anything about it? Or because I MUST have done it because I was the weird kid? No, because they knew I hated his fuckin' guts. But I didn't do it, that's fer sure. I don't know who did, but I'd love to say thanks to them for that. I really would.

I've grown to know, not to get too close to anyone, they'll get up and leave ya one day.

People think I'm mental, they see my scars and they think I must be a pyscho, they don't believe me when I say that my father was to blame. They don't believe anything, that I'm not his killer, or anything. If only they knew that the scars on my outershell weren't the only ones. I've got scars inside.

I hate this place.

And my body's trashed and low,
but to you I'll never show myself for what's inside
And I've seen it all before but I'll settle the score,
I'll never join your side.