I can't help it, I was born this way.

Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.

What a true statement, in my case I am a prisoner of my own mind. Sometimes I wonder, is someone in a higher place playing some sick joke on me? Or is this just a way to get back at the rest of humanity, by making me a physco? Either way it sucks!

I am sitting in the car on the way home from seeing Penny.

The entire session was spent in awkward conversation followed by silence. I wasn’t willing to be there so I wasn’t going to give her decent answers.

She sat across from me with her fake smile and asked me the same question as always. Though she did throw in a couple of comments I haven’t heard lately. Our conversation went something like this.

“So how was your week?” Every time I come to this stupid place she asks me this question.

“Same as always.” The same answer I always give, you would think she would stop asking.

“How do you feel about your life being the same?” Does she really care how I feel? No, I doubt it. She just wants the money.

“I don’t care.” The truth finally comes out. I don’t care, I never will, and I never have. I’ve only cared about two people. They betray me, and broke my heart so I don’t waste my time caring.

“Well I am here so you can talk to me if you like.” That won’t ever happen, I don’t trust you.

This was all followed by her trying to make small talk and me giving one word answers, and not caring.

After my session, my mom talked to Penny about what would help me. In the past, Penny has told my mom that moving, and giving me a fresh start would help. My mom told Penny that she would consider it, but later completely forgot about the suggestion. My parents care too much about the image and reputation they have built here in Montana. They would never want to move and have to start all over.

Well, today’s suggestion was the best yet. Penny told my mom that I should get a job. Her reasoning was that it would make me more social, I would have to deal with customers, and co-workers. When Penny said this I laughed “I am the most popular kid at my school, everyone is jealous of me, or wants to fuck me. I don’t think my social life is an issue.”

Penny looked at me in shock and said “I would like it if you would watch your language in my
office.”

I laughed again and said “Yeah? Well I would like it if you could push a magic button and make all of this go away, but can you? No. I didn’t think so.” I stood up and walked to the glass door that led out of her office and into the parking lot. As I opened it I turned back and said “Oh, and by the way, you are one of the females that want to fuck me. I see how you look at me.” I let out a cackle and walked out of the office.

So my last comment was a lie and it was uncalled for, but I needed a laugh.

My mom pulls into the drive way slowly, and turns the keys, and says “you are such a disappointment. If you would only try, then you might be normal. Not everyone wants to have sex with you, and honestly I am pretty sure no one does. You seem to be living in a world where you think everyone loves you, and want you, and that you can disappear and appear different places. You are seriously crazy, and I wish your father and I could afford to get you better help, but Penny is all we can afford for now, so deal with it.”

I look at her and begin to laugh. Sure the situation isn’t exactly funny, but my own mom thinks I am crazy. That is proof. I am a prisoner in my own mind. When I tell someone about my problems they laugh at me and tell me I am crazy and a physco.

My mind is my limit; whatever it does I am forced to do.

I unlock my door I step into the cold evening air and walk into the house. My dad is sitting in the living room watching a football game. “How was your session?” he asked politely.

“Ask her” I said simply.

I walk to my room quickly and again close and lock my door. I clear off my bed and lay down.

My mind is racing, and I can’t seem to focus on a single thought for more than a couple of seconds. Finally all of my thoughts begin to come together.

Like a puzzle.