Playing With Fire

I was running in a long, dark hallway. It was pitch black – I couldn’t see a thing. Claustrophobia was infecting my mind. I felt my bare feet hit the cold concrete floor as I sprinted. The darkness was eclipsing my thoughts. I couldn’t think straight. I was all by myself, confused and frightened. I had no one by my side; even my own shadow was missing. It was freezing – I felt a shiver run down my spine. I was nauseous. But the strange part was, I didn’t know what I was running from or where I was running to. I just felt the need to run. So I ran.

My hair was blowing behind me and sweat was building on my forehead. My heart was beating so fast that it felt as though it was trying to burst out of my chest. It was all terrifying.

But then I saw a blinding glow in the distance, like the light at the end of a long tunnel…or a long journey. I stopped running and stared in its direction as my eyes adjusted. I felt strangely full of energy – I took a moment to look down and noticed why.

No Layla.

I felt my eyes burn and fill with tears. What had happened to Layla? I traced my hands over my flat stomach – she had completely disappeared. I wasn’t pregnant. She was gone.

I began to cry. It was wrong. It was all wrong.

The light pushed itself to brighten even more and I covered my eyes with my hand. It was then that I noticed that it was a spotlight, shining in a single empty corner. I gazed at it until a figure appeared. The luminosity was giving me a splitting headache, but I couldn’t force myself to look away. It was brilliant. There was something strangely beautiful and uplifting about it, as if it were a sign of hope. It was a light shined in a dark room – it had chased away the shadows, the unknown, the fear. I was at ease with it around.

My eyes fluttered to the pristine figure. The person was tall and brawny, built with a nest of curls sitting atop their head. I struggled to recognize them, and then it finally hit me.

It was Nick.

He was standing under the spotlight in a pure white tuxedo with his hands placed neatly in his pockets. His skin was tan, contrasting his bright suit, and it glowed as his face displayed a beautiful smile.

I was in awe.

Nick was the light in my dark room.

I had been in fear, running in my dark, never-ending hallway. Then he came into my life and shined his light. He chased away the darkness. He made everything okay again. He was the hope.

I felt my jaw drop open as he grinned at me, showcasing his pearl teeth. The sight was breathtaking – it was like a painting, perfect down to every detail. I smiled back at him and began to put one foot in front of the other, closing the space between us. I stood in front of him absolutely awestruck. I extended my arm to reach out and touch him. I had to feel that he was real, that he truly existed. Something that beautiful couldn’t possibly be real.

But then it all happened so fast.

Right before my skin touched his, bright red, sweltering fire erupted from behind him. He looked into my eyes as it burned, sparks flying in every direction.

“I love you,” he said simply, a smile still etched onto his face.

I stared in horror as his head rose towards the ceiling and his palms faced outward. His feet were raised from the floor and he was engulfed by the violent fire.

“No!” I screamed.

The heat radiating from the fire was making me sweat and the embers bounced onto my face, burning my skin, but I continued to stare. Nick had completely disappeared, replaced by the brutal inferno. I watched in fear as the flames grew, and then slowly disintegrated. I saw Nick’s body fall to the floor.

I was frozen. I expected him to be burned to ashes. I began to hyperventilate, panicking as I thawed out and sprinted over to him. My whole body was numb – I couldn’t think of anything but him.

I knelt down beside him and grabbed his shoulders, flipping him over to see his face. I gasped. There were no burns, no scars, no blood. Nothing. His face was still as flawless as ever.

But he was so pale. His skin almost matched his suit – he looked like a ghost. His eyes were shut tight and his body was limp.

“No, Nick, no, no, no…”

I pressed my ear to his chest.

Nothing.

“No, please, no, Nick…” I cried, hot tears pouring down my face.

I unbuttoned his jacket and ripped his dress shirt, unveiling his sallow bare chest. I leaned down and pounded his chest with my hands, struggling to find a heartbeat and desperate for him to make some sound of life.

But my song was gone.

Forever.

I suddenly felt dizzy. My entire world was crumbling down. The walls were closing in on me and the floor was shuddering – it was an earthquake. An earthquake inside my heart, my very being. Everything was destroyed, completely abolished. He had been my whole world. He was gone. He was never coming back.

I pulled his lifeless body into my arms. I couldn’t make a sound – I just cried silently. I couldn’t breathe. I stroked his cold skin and ran my fingers through his hair.

“Nick…please, say something,” I said to myself. I knew he would be unresponsive, but I was in denial. He couldn’t be gone. “Talk to me. Please, Nick,” My voice sounded so far away. “Nick, come back. Come back…”

I would never hear my favorite song ever again. I would never get to look into those sparkling brown eyes as they gazed back into mine. I would never see that breathtaking smile. Nick was gone, forever condemned to an endless sleep.

The world was over.

“Kara?” a voice said.

“Nick?” I screamed, looking down frantically at his still sleeping face. My heart sped up.

“Kara? Wake up, Kara!”

Nick’s body suddenly disappeared, leaving my arms empty. The spotlight vanished, leaving me alone once again in the dark, cold room. I was afraid. The fear took over. Without Nick, there was nothing. Only darkness.

“KARA!”

My eyes flew open.

“Kara, honey, are you okay?” Mrs. Jonas was sitting on my bed, staring at me in sheer horror. “You’ve been screaming bloody murder for hours,” She reached up to touch my forehead.

“Murder,” I whispered. The panic returned. “Nick… Oh, God. Nick,” I cried.

“Sweetie, what’s the matter?”

I reached over to the side table and picked up my cell phone with a quivering hand, dropping it twice until I was finally able to hold it steadily between my fingers. I had to hear his voice. I had to know that there were no fire, that he was alive. Fire wasn’t something to be played with – it wasn’t a joke. It burned. It killed. It took Nick away.

It left me in the dark room.

I dialed Nick’s number anxiously and held the phone up to my ear, ignoring Mrs. Jonas’s concerned questions.

“Hey, baby. You’re up early,” I heard Nick’s cheerful voice say.

“Oh, thank God,” I cried. I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice – the voice I thought I would never hear again.

“Are you okay?” he asked, “Why are you crying, Kara? What’s wrong?” he asked, worried. His tone became serious.

“Nick, it was horrible…” My voice was thick, full of tears. “Layla was…gone. And you. You were…Oh, God, Nick…You were…dead. And the darkness…And there was this light. And I was running…And fire, so much fire…I-I was…God, Nick. It’s just so good to hear your voice,”

“Kara, what are you talking about?” he asked me. I could hear the panic in his voice. I couldn’t answer him. I was in awe over his voice, beyond happy that he was okay. I never wanted to hold him so much before in my life. My body began to shake.

He sighed and after a moment said, “You had a nightmare,”

I continued to cry.

“Aw, Kara. Don’t cry. Please,” he begged me uneasily. “Whatever it was, it wasn’t real. It’s over now. I’m okay. You’re okay. I’m right here,”

“Nick, I need you here,” I cried, “Please come home,”

His voice became even more pained. “I can’t right now, baby. I wish I could, believe me. More than anything. If I had my way, I would get on a plane right this second,”

I tried to steady my crying. I was so emotional – the nightmare had just scarred me so deeply. Losing Nick was unthinkable. Seeing him dead was…God, I never wanted to think of it again.

“Tomorrow afternoon,” Nick continued, “I will be there. I promise you. Just thirty more hours. Hang in there for me, Kara. I love you. You know that,”

“I love you, too,” I said in a cracked voice.

“Are you going to be okay?” he asked, “I’m going to be worried about you all day,”

“I’m okay. It was just…scary. That’s all. I’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry. I just…” I hesitated. “I just needed to hear your voice,”

“Maybe I shouldn’t sing you to sleep next time,” he said, chuckling lightly. It was meant as a joke, but I sensed a hint of worry still lingering in his voice. A flashback of his crying face at the station invaded my thoughts once again and I shuddered. I couldn’t let him feel that way ever again.

“No, I loved that,” I replied, “I really did. It was beautiful,” I smiled, wiping the leftover tears from my eyes with the sleeve of Nick’s sweatshirt. “I think it was just because it was my first night without you in so long,”

He waited a moment. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,”

“I made a promise to you, Kara. I’m already breaking it. You have nightmares without me and I can’t even be there to comfort you. Some boyfriend I am…”

“Stop it, Nick. Things happen. Nightmares make me human. Plus, I’m hormonal. So it gets ten times worse,”

He let out a laugh. “Right, that’s it,” he said, chuckling. “I really do wish I could comfort you though,”

“You are comforting me,” I replied, “Just the sound of your voice helps,”

He sighed. “When I get back, I’m never going anywhere without you again. I promise,”

“You don’t need to worry about me so much, Nick. I’m okay. Really…” I lied.

“It’s not you I’m worried about,” he said, “If I ever have to be without you like this again, I swear I’m gonna go nuts,”

I laughed. “I love you,”

“I love you, too,”

I smiled and knew he was smiling too.

“I’ll tell you one good thing about it though,” he went on, “I’ve gotten some pretty good songs out of it,”

“That’s awesome. You’ll have to play them for me when you get back,”

“Yes, as part of our dinner and a fashion show night,” He chuckled.

“Exactly,” I said.

I waited a moment as Nick spoke to someone else in the room. He called him John, so I guessed it was their producer. When he got back on the line, his voice was sad.

“I have to go,” he said in a small voice, “We have another interview,”

“Joy,” I replied.

“You’re telling me. Call me later?” he asked.

“You bet,”

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you, too,” I replied, “Forever and always. Please be safe.”

“Will do. Bye, babe.”

“Bye.” I stayed on the line until he hung up the phone and then laid back against my pillows, sighing deeply. I took in deep breaths until my heart rate returned to normal. I turned to Mrs. Jonas who was patiently waiting for an explanation.

“I’m sorry,” I said, taking her hand, “I had the worst nightmare about Nick and I had to make sure he was okay,” I looked into her worried eyes. “I’m okay. I didn’t mean to scare you,”

She blinked and brought her hand to the back of my head gently.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

“It was just…traumatizing. And really lifelike. It felt like it was really happening.”

Her brown eyes turned sympathetic.

“But I’m okay now,”

She raised her eyebrows at me.

“Honestly,” I said, “I am.”

She continued to look at me for a moment, searching my eyes for a lie and awaiting the truth, but when she was finally convinced that I was okay, she sighed and said, “Okay, I believe you.”

“Good,” I smiled at her. “So what’s on the agenda for today? Manicures and pedicures? Movie theater?”

“No, nada. You’re resting today,”

“What?” I asked, taken aback. I knew I wasn’t the best shopping partner, but she couldn’t expect me to just lie in bed all day staring at the clock. I didn’t want to think about how slow time would pass.

“You heard me. You’re eight months pregnant and you are staying right here in this bed for the rest of the day,” she said with certainty.

“But-but what happened to the crazy awesome ‘I need to do something right this instant’ attitude?”

“I was wrong to exert you so much yesterday, honey.”

I groaned. “No, please. Exert away.”

She smiled and bent down to kiss my forehead. “Rest, Kara. I’ll bring you some breakfast in a few minutes.”

I tried to nod and make myself smile at her generosity – after all, she was only trying to help me – but it didn’t seem to work. My face morphed into a disappointed expression and I sighed deeply, avoiding eye contact with the evil clock on the wall.

“Kara, there’s plenty you can do to keep yourself busy,” Mrs. Jonas said after she noticed my sad eyes, “We have tons of movies to watch. Joe left you his laptop, so you can get on that. And if worst comes to worst, you can take a nap. Heaven knows I needed sleep when I was carrying those four hooligans,” She laughed. “I know it’s not as glamorous as shopping. Believe me, I miss it too.” She reached under my chin and pulled my face up to meet her pleasant expression. “I just want you to be relaxed, that’s all. There’s only a month more. Then you’ll be on your feet for hours on end and wish you had listened to me.”

I sighed. “Okay, Mrs. Jonas,” I said reluctantly. I didn’t want to argue with her, as much as I hated the idea.

She shot me one last wide grin before walking upstairs and into the kitchen. I heard a few noisy pots and pans hitting the stove and cabinets being opened and closed, so I figured she was getting started on breakfast.

I took a deep breath.

It took a lot of will power to force my eyes to glance over at the black and white clock hanging on the wall, and it took even more will power not to cry when I saw that it only read 7AM. I had thirty-one more hours to kill until Nick came home tomorrow afternoon. Thirty-one long, grueling hours that would pass by extra slowly just to drive me crazy. Each second away from him tugged at the stitched-up hole in my heart. Without him, all the memories were beginning to flood back into my mind – that cold day in December especially, but most of all, his ghost face from both the police station and the nightmare. It was going to be tough.

I weighed my options.

Taking a shower and getting dressed would take me about forty-five minutes, but I could probably stretch it out to an hour if I took my time. I had already seen every movie in the Jonas DVD Collection, but if I picked out a favorite, that would take up about two and a half hours. Surfing the web could kill a few too, but there was no way in hell I was going to take a nap. I was terrified to sleep until I could have Nick in my arms again. Another nightmare like that would tear me to pieces, so it was out of the question.

So far, I had virtually killed the morning.

It was going to be a long day.

---------------------------------

Twenty-eight hours left.

I had taken a shower, thrown on some clean sweats, and attempted to eat a cheese and mushroom omelet prepared by Mrs. Jonas. It had smelled incredible from downstairs, but when the plate was finally set down in front of me at the table, I was overcome with a sense of forgotten nausea. Wonderful. Food had gone back to looking disgusting.

Nick better get his butt back to New Jersey soon.

After forcing down the eggs and taking the risk of throwing it all up on Mrs. Jonas (thankfully, it stayed down…so far), I made my way back downstairs and turned on the television. I switched on a fan as well and set it beside my head so the cold air could chase away the sick feeling. I flicked through the channels with the remote and finally settled on House. I snuggled against a couch pillow and tried to keep my eyes off the clock.

Time was my worst enemy.

-------------------------

Twenty-four hours left.

Four episodes of House down. I was ready to explode. My untouched chicken sandwich and Capri Sun for lunch sat on the coffee table, still as in tact as it was when Mrs. Jonas had brought it down, and I was checking my phone every five and a half minutes for any messages from Nick.

I was let down every time.

I tried to remind myself that he was busy – he had interviews to do, meetings to attend, fans to meet. He couldn’t talk to me all day.

But that still didn’t stop it from hurting.

Layla kicked uneasily inside me.

“I know, Layla,” I said to her. She missed him singing to her at night just as much as I did. “I know. He’ll be home soon.” Attempting to reassure both her and myself, I reached down to touch her and took a deep unsteady breath.

I turned off the TV in the midst of the end credits and walked over to the computer desk where Joe’s shiny lime green laptop sat. I took a seat on the leather chair and scooted up, opening the top of the glossy laptop. I pressed the ON button and waited patiently as it buzzed to life. I was greeted with a gorgeous picture of the four of us on my birthday at the Escopazzo as the desktop background. It made me smile. In the picture, I was situated between Nick and Joe as Kevin stood behind me. We were all laughing hysterically as we looked into the camera – I couldn’t remember what the joke had been, but I knew it was probably something Joe had said. Nick’s hand was wrapped around mine and I saw the promise ring he had just given me shining on my finger. The look on his face was beautiful – his grin was wider than it had ever been before, showcasing his perfect white teeth and his eyes were sparkling. That’s the Nick I always wanted to remember, not the painful face I always feared from him. I wanted to remember that smile and those eyes forever. He had looked into the camera as if he had never been happier before in his life. And me…I honestly couldn’t recognize myself at first. I was literally glowing with happiness and I knew exactly why. I was surrounded by the people who loved me more than anyone else on the planet. Joe sat beside me in his black suit, grinning hugely, and Kevin hugged me from behind with dazzling eyes full of joy. I adored that picture more than I could say – seeing it made my day.

After admiring the background for a long while, I used to touchpad to click on Internet Explorer. Joe’s new homepage graced the screen – the new Team Jonas fan site. I remembered him gushing over it earlier. The Jonas Brothers were getting more and more members by the hour and it excited them beyond belief. They simply couldn’t believe that people actually liked them that much. To me, it was no surprise. I had signed up to be a member myself – of course, they had no idea. I just wanted to contribute to the increasing number of fans, though I’d been a fan all my life, and see them smile when they saw the growing number. I was sent weekly updates about news from the boys that I had already known about weeks in advance, but I did it to make them happy. So it was well worth it.

I spent about an hour on the computer and was happy when the digital clock in the corner of the screen read 3PM. I still had a long way to go, but at least I was getting somewhere. I visited many websites – I even stooped so low to make a Twitter account. I researched some pregnancy stuff too and found out that if babies are exposed to sounds and music in the womb, they’ll be more musically inclined in later years. That would surely make Layla a musical genius considering she spent almost every waking moment listening to Nick sing. After more research on food cravings, labor pains and the like, I opened up AOL to check my email.

But as soon as I did it, I wished I hadn’t.

On the AOL homepage was the daily news – the usual politics, movie reviews at the box office, health recalls…and the latest couples in Hollywood. The cover story put a knife in my chest.

Nick and Miley, holding hands in Times Square, under a caption that read “Niley Love in the Big Apple!” I tried to hold back the tears and refrain from reading the article.

I knew Miley would be in New York the same time that Nick would, and I knew they had to continue the fake romance thing. And most importantly, I knew Nick loved me.

But seeing him with another girl, fake or not, still hurt me a little inside.

I x-ed out of the page and put my head in my hands.

I told myself to stay calm. There’s no need to get upset, Kara. It’s all fake. He loves you. Remember that.

It took a minute, but I steadied my breath and stopped crying. It was all so difficult – being without him for so long, having the nightmares about him, being forced to stay away from him in public, seeing him with another girl. The side effects of the relationship were killing me.

But we made a promise that it wouldn’t come between us and I was sticking with that promise. I would be strong for him and he would be strong for me. In the end, it would all be worth it. I hoped.

I was just about to reopen the webpage when Mrs. Jonas called for me from upstairs.

“Kara, someone’s on the phone for you!”

I furrowed my eyebrows. A phone call? For me? On the house phone? That was a first.

“Um, okay. Do I come up there or – “

“No, honey, there’s a phone down there right by the TV!” she yelled back.

I hopped off of the computer chair and searched the basement until I found the phone and brought it up to my ear. I half expected it to be Nick calling, so I got excited, but then I remembered he would’ve called me on my cell.

“Hello?” I spoke into the receiver.

“Hello, Kara. This is Officer Shawn Johnson from the station. You came to see me a few days ago,” said a low, friendly voice on the other end.

My heart sank slightly at the memory. “Yes. Hi, Shawn. How are you?”

“I’m doing well and yourself?”

“I’m good,” I replied. I became apprehensive. Why was he calling?

“That’s good,” he said. After a moment, he went on. “Kara, you’re probably wondering why I’m calling you. The reason is because my report was incomplete.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused. I had answered all his questions and everything. What more could he want?

He hesitated. “I’ll make this quite plain,” he said, “With Mr. Jonas in the room, there was one rather important question I didn’t get to ask you. A question that I was afraid would send him over the edge. He was quite disturbed by it all…”

“Right…” I said. He did have a point.

“So, I was wondering if you could possibly come down to the station, preferably without Nick, to finish,”

My heart sank. There was no way I could ever do it all over again, especially without Nick by my side. Even if he affected the outcome, he was the reason I was able to stay strong through it all. Now, he was miles and miles away. I couldn’t do it without him.

I rushed to think of an excuse. “Um, I don’t think that would run so well with Mrs. Jonas. You see, she kind of has me on bed rest…” I crossed my fingers, hoping he would buy it.

“Oh,” he said in response. He let out a laugh. “Denise really is a force to be a reckoned with. Well, that’s quite all right then. We can do it over the phone,”

Crap.

“Okay,” I said slowly. I could feel my voice starting to shake.

“Is now a good time?”

“Sure…” I scrambled to sit down on the couch, knowing that if I remained upright, I would most likely fall to the ground if I started crying. God, my situation just turned from really horrible to complete hell.

“Okay,” said Shawn. I heard papers crumple in the background and I pictured him in his interrogation room with his notepad and pen in hand. “Now, this won’t take long. I promise. I just have to warn you though. I kept these questions to myself for Nick’s sake because they’re rather specific. It will be hard for you to remember, I’m sure, since you hit your head, but please try your best. Sound good?”

“Sure,”

“Okay,” he took a deep breath. “Can you remember if there was any form of weaponry involved?”

My mind began to jumble itself, filling up with painful memories and sorting out the right one I needed to remember. It took me back to December. The scene rewound itself, then fast-forwarded, pausing on a single spot. I struggled to remember the details – everything was so blurry. Think, Kara. Think.

The picture slowly began to clear.

I remembered.

“Yes,” I said to Shawn. “Yes, there was.” I felt my heart rate quicken with distress. I remembered why I had tried so hard not to remember. The tears built up in my eyes fast.

“Can you remember what kind?”

I inhaled sharply. “He had a gun,” I whispered. I closed my eyes. I wanted so much to block out the memory once more like I had been doing for eight months, but I couldn’t. The deathly sight of the cursed black metal pointing at my head took over my mind. I had come face-to-face with death time and time again. All he had to do was pull the trigger when it was all over and I would have been gone. Why he left me alive, I wasn’t sure. But it happened. That moment when it came into view was the worst, because while other people have their lives flashed before their eyes, the only thing I could think of was seeing Nick again. He had been my only concern when the gun was in my hair and I was on the on the ground. That’s it. Nothing else. I knew exactly why I couldn’t remember it before – I’d blocked it out. I didn’t want it to be true. You don’t know what it feels like to have a gun just inches from your face, inches from death. I tried to steady my breathing so Officer Shawn wouldn’t know I was crying already.

“Okay,” he said. His heartlessness was back.

I waited a long while. I figured he was taking notes. It felt like it had been ages when he finally spoke up again.

“Kara, I’m afraid I have some bad news,”

I froze.

Great, that’s all I needed.