Playing With Fire

I mentally prepared myself, gripping the edge of the couch and bracing myself for the worst possible news. I was already crying, so stressing over the possibility of tears was unnecessary. Once again, I was grateful for the piece of furniture beneath me – had I been on my feet, my legs would’ve numbed and surely given out. As much as I had been accustomed to bad news in my life, it still made me feel like I was on fire, burning to ashes from the inside out, then completely frozen to ice in a split second so I could feel no more. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. Through whatever came out of Shawn’s mouth on the other end, I would be strong.

I would be strong for Nick.

“I’m afraid that…” I heard Shawn’s small, disappointed voice say, “I don’t have enough information to really go through with this investigation.” It was so out of character for him to speak that way. “I mean, the report has been filed and we’ve been working around the clock to put the pieces together. Plus, this new information might better the chances.” I heard him take a deep breath and exhale unsteadily. “But it just happened so long ago… I want to be honest with you, Kara. You deserve that. The chances of finding him are extremely subtle…” he trailed off.

Then, there was silence. My heartbeat barely existed, it was so faint. Everything I had been through, every memory I had relived, every tear I had cried, every chilling moment I had seen Nick’s ghost face – none of it mattered in the end. Everything I had fought so hard to break the barriers and be strong for went down the drain. It was over. They couldn’t find him. I had waited too long.

“I’ll leave the case open,” Shawn continued when he realized I was too shook up to say a word, “But I will have to deem it unsolved.” He paused. “I’m so sorry, Kara.”

Sorry. I heard a lot of that word.

“I understand,” I whispered back at him. There wasn’t any more I could say – I couldn’t force any more words out of my mouth. It hit me that I would never be able to save that little girl. I would never get to see her get home safe. He was out there roaming the streets, doing exactly what he did to me to countless other vulnerable girls, and there I sat alone, helpless, and weak. The blood began to rush to my head and the room was spinning as a familiar feeling took me over.

Here we go again.

“I have to go,” I told Shawn in a shaky voice and dropped the phone to the ground. I ran to the bathroom and fell to my knees. The toilet and I had been good friends for a long while – I used to throw up in it almost twice a day. But when Nick came around, I closed the lid for good. No more morning sickness for me anymore – until now, that is.

The burning sting in my sides pulsed through my skin. I had forgotten how much it had hurt. At that moment, leaning over the toilet and shaking, I cried.

I cried hard.

I cried like I used to cry – it was that bad. Everything that could possibly go wrong had gone wrong. It had been a chain reaction for two straight days, all starting with that useless trip to the station. I had witnessed Nick at his very worst and for what? Nothing. No good came out of it at all. Then we were torn away from each other and I was pulling my hair out, going crazy missing him. I had the most vicious nightmare of my life, been forced to hold all my jealous feelings inside as I saw him with another girl, been imprisoned in my own house with nothing to do but stare at the unmoving clock, and been informed that the one thing I had been working so hard towards had gone belly-up. And as the black cherry on top of all that, I didn’t even have a warm hand to hold or a harmonic heartbeat to listen to, to get me through the pain.

But so what if it hurts me, right?

I’m just a human being.

I sat back against the cold wall and shut my eyes, feeling the tremors being released through my spine, making every bone in my body ache and every muscle quiver. I felt feverish, as though every ounce of hope and energy had been stolen from my soul, ripped apart, and burned into oblivion. I was filled with regret – regret that I had tried so hard and believed so much in the cause, regret that I forced out Nick’s tears for no reason at all, regret that I ever even involved him in it so much. I shouldn’t have asked him to go in with me. It was a selfish thing to do. It would’ve saved him from all of it.

But most of all, I felt regret that I had been so stupid that day in December in the first place.

Old Kara had returned.

And I wasn’t sure how long she was going to stay.

-----------------------------

I had spent hours laying on the couch like a dead fish out of water, staring off into space. I couldn’t move – I barely even blinked. Mrs. Jonas poured her heart into trying to find out what was bothering me so much, but I couldn’t form words anymore. Every demon in my life was catching up to me in Nick’s absence. Fighting it all off seemed so pointless; giving up sounded so good. I was tired and my mind was worn. Too many thoughts were being circulated in my head. I wanted to take a heavy breath and scream until my voice gave out. I shivered. Why did life have to be so hard?

My eyes became heavy, obscuring my vision. Sleep was beginning to take me over, but I fought it. I drifted in and out of consciousness, desperate to keep my eyes open. I couldn’t have another nightmare. It would ruin me.

A flashback of Nick’s lifeless body suddenly invaded my mind and I gasped violently, jumping out of my skin at the sight. I tried to shake it out of my head. I didn’t want to remember him that way. I was up for a rough night, but nothing would be as torturous as my mind when it’s asleep. I wiped the drowsiness from my eyes and sat up, diverting my eyes as far away from the clock as possible – more disappointment at the time would send me over the edge. But the window signaled that it was night. The sun had set and the stars were out, making the sky pitch black. It brought me a drop of comfort. The next time the sun rose, I would get to see Nick.

I took a deep breath and held my face in my hands. I had a splitting migraine. It felt as though millions of long, sharp needles were being pierced into my scalp. I cringed, rubbing my temples with my fingers in an attempt to soothe the pain.

“Do you want an aspirin?” asked a small voice from behind me. I peeked up from my hands and turned around. Mrs. Jonas was standing on the last step of the staircase with her hands folded and her eyes worried. She was so concerned.

“Please,” I nodded slowly, “Aspirin would be nice.” I tried to smile at her unsuccessfully. She just nodded and walked back up the stairs. I heard a cabinet swing open and a faucet turn on in the kitchen.

I sighed. It had been one of the longest days of my life and the sleepless night wasn’t about to make it any better. I didn’t want to think of it – I couldn’t. My head was throbbing.

Mrs. Jonas walked back down to the basement with a cup of water, a bowl of hot chicken soup, and a small bottle of Aleve. She walked over to me and sat down on the couch, setting everything down on the coffee table. She sighed and took my hand in hers.

“I thought this was all getting better for you,” she began. Her eyes were sad. “But I know it isn’t. I know how hard it is for you every single day to block it all out. I can see it in your eyes.” She reached up to tuck a stray curl of my hair behind my ear. Her hand was soft and comforting against mine – a mother’s magic.

“But I also see how much my son heals you,” she went on. A hint of wonder touched her eye. “It amazes me every single day, the way you two look at each other. I can’t imagine how it must feel to be apart.” She sighed deeply and kissed my forehead.

“I’m so proud of you, Kara, for everything you’ve done. I love you like my own. You’re the daughter I have always wanted.”

She looked into my eyes and smiled, leaving me lost for words. I just smiled back and leaned into her embrace. There was so much to learn from Mrs. Jonas – the woman had so much love to give and every last drop of it was pure and unconditional. I was so blessed, it left me speechless.

“Now, eat your soup,” she said after kissing my hair one last time. “It’s getting cold. I have to go upstairs and call Paul.”

My heart sped up. “Why? Is everything okay?” I asked.

“Yes, don’t worry. It was just Joe being Joe,” She sighed, getting to her feet.

“What happened?” My voice became frantic. I didn’t know why fear was building up inside me, but the idea of any of them getting hurt put tears in my eyes.

“You know how that boy is. I must’ve done something when I was pregnant with him because sheesh…” She joked. “Apparently, the boys were wrestling backstage somewhere and Joe broke his arm, crazy child…” Her body shook with laughter, but I was getting more worried by the second.

“Oh, honey,” she cooed when she noticed my frown. “They’re all okay, really. Joe breaks bones on a daily basis. He’s just prone to it. No one else got hurt.” She stroked my cheek with her hand.

I took a deep breath and nodded, forcing all of the terrorizing images of the boys pale-faced in the hospital out of my aching head. She smiled warmly and reached for the soup bowl, handing it to me and commanding me to eat it before she turned on her heel and went upstairs.

My eyes drifted down to the chunky liquid in the bowl. The warmth it generated soothed me and it smelled amazing, but once again its physique made me want to set it down and never look at it again. I missed when food looked good and food only looked good with Nick around. I could never deal with him being away ever again. I would probably starve to death.

I knew Mrs. Jonas would be down to check on me soon and the label stuck on the back of the Aleve warned me to eat a full meal before I took it, so I made up my mind and told myself I would eat it, even if I had to force it down with a funnel. Not eating it is silly, Kara. Just do it.

After playing with the noodles and pieces of chicken with my spoon for a long time while I mentally lectured myself, the soup turned into a cold, mushy mess, even more disgusting. But I held my breath and brought the soup-filled spoon to my mouth, taking it in and swallowing it fast before I could even taste it.

I felt accomplished when the clean spoon met the empty bowl. I had done it. It was over. It reached for the aspirin bottle and struggled to open it; childproof lids still had something against me. When it finally complied, I spilled out the tiny white pills and took one in my hand. I swallowed it with the glass of water and sighed. I leaned back, closed my eyes, and waited for it to kick in. I was desperate – my brain was pulsing and it couldn’t work fast enough.

But then there was rain; rain falling and falling until it came to my rescue, gently saying hello through the darkened window. The sound was astonishing when it met my ears. I felt the pain being taken over by it. It slowly began to subside – nothing could win in a battle against the rain. Rain was my magic. I forgot everything in its presence – I let it all escape. I let it fly away. The low rumbling of thunder in the distance paired with the soft patter of rain droplets relaxed me. It was then that I realized that the effect of the rain – the relaxing, magical, fulfilling rain – almost had the same effect on my stress level as Nick did. I was madly in love with the rain as I was madly in love with Nick.

I opened my eyes with a strong heart and steady hands – I could sit up straight and tall with courage and I allowed the picture of rain and Nick’s smiling face fill my mind. I smiled confidently. I could do it. I would make it.

Just a few more hours.

“You look happy,” Mrs. Jonas said from behind me. She was back, this time with an open cell phone against her chest and a warm smile on her face. She pointed to the phone and her smile widened. “Someone wants to talk to you.”

My heart grew excited and I jumped to my feet. She grinned, handing me the phone, and I took it with eager hands. A deep breath later, I held it to my ear.

“Nick?”

“Hey, you,” His voice made the enormous weight on my shoulders disappear.

“I miss you,” I said through my grin. His voice in one ear and the patter of the rain in the other mixed together to make a beautiful song. I smiled.

“I miss you, too,” he sighed. “How are you?”

“I’m okay. I’ll be better once you’re here.”

“I know, babe. Me too.” I sensed the sadness in his voice. “It’s not much longer now.”

“I know…” I trailed off. “How was your day?” I asked him, snuggling up on the couch and holding the phone as close to my face as possible.

“Long,” he sighed, “We met this fan outside the studio and she asked Kevin to sign her underwear,”

I burst out laughing. “Seriously? That’s insane,”

“Yeah, I know,” he chuckled. “How was yours? Did you go shopping again?”

“No, I was kind of on house arrest,”

He laughed. “What’d you do wrong?”

“I exerted myself,”

“Oooh, you rebel.” He laughed.

“You know it,” I smiled against the receiver. “How is Joe?” I asked.

“Stupid,” he replied, “He tried to arm wrestle me and broke his arm against the table. I mean, really. With these guns? Please,”

I let out a laugh. “God, I miss you.”

“I miss you more,” he sighed. The sad voice was creeping back up and I couldn’t have that.

“What color is his cast?” I asked in an attempt to lighten up the conversation.

“Neon green,” he replied, “It even glows in the dark,”

“That’s pretty amazing,”

“I know,” he replied, laughing. Then he turned to someone else in the room. “Yes, we’re talking about you. No… I said no. Joe, don’t do this again. Touch me and I’ll break your other arm! JOE! OW!”

I couldn’t stop laughing.

“Joe!” Nick screaming voice suddenly sounded distant. “GIVE ME THE PHONE BACK!”

“KC, baby! I miss you,” I heard Joe’s cheerful voice speak into the phone.

“Hey, Joe. I miss you, too. How’s your arm?”

“S’all good. Get off me, Nick. I’m a cripple. No, Nick. WILL YOU STOP YELLING? Just let me talk to her for a minute!” I heard a door shut and lock. “God, little brothers…” he said to me. I heard banging on the door, but Joe ignored it.

“Joe, I love you,” I laughed.

“I love you too, KC,” he replied happily.

“KC?” I asked.

“Yeah, your new nickname. Get it? It’s your initials. I know, I’m a genius.”

“Absolutely,” I said, smiling.

Joe laughed a carefree laugh and then sighed. “How you holdin’ up?” he asked, his tone more serious and concerned.

I took a deep breath. “Honestly, it’s never been this hard, Joe. But I’m hanging in there,”

“I know,” he sighed, “It’s just a few more hours now, then we can all be together. Don’t tell Kevin…But I’ve been practicing Guitar Hero and I think I can finally kick his butt,”

I laughed. “Okay, I won’t tell,”

“Gracias,” he replied. The banging on the door grew louder. “NICK! STOP!” he yelled, then turned his voice back to normal. “I am really proud of you though, Kara. It takes a lot of guts to do what you do,”

“Thank you, Joe,” I said, smiling. It brought me so much comfort to have Joe. He was always there to make me laugh and sometimes, that’s exactly what I needed.

“You’re always welcome, KC,” he replied.

“Now, do you mind putting your little brother back on? I don’t want him to break your arm again,”

He laughed. “As if, Kara. But sure… HOLD ON, NICK! GOD! Listen, Kara… I love you, okay? Stay strong,”

“Love you too, bro. Don’t get hurt anymore,”

“I’ll try. I’ll see you soon,”

“Bye, Joe.”

I heard the door swing open loudly and there was a loud thud. “OW!” I heard Nick yell. “You could’ve told me you were opening the door!”

“Chillax and get up off the floor. Your girlfriend wants you,” Joe’s voice said and I heard the phone being passed.

“You’re so immature, Joe,” said Nick in an irritated but amused voice.

“Love you too, Nicky,” Joe replied.

“Kara?” Nick asked into the receiver.

“Hey,”

“Hey, I’m sorry…again,” he sighed.

I smiled. “It’s okay,”

I took a deep breath. I had to tell him.

“Nick, there’s something I need to tell you.”

There was silence. I pictured his eyes widening and his face transforming into the ghost. I was almost thankful I wasn’t there to see it live.

“Is everything okay? How is Layla?” he asked me frantically.

“Layla’s fine. It’s just that… Officer Johnson called earlier,” I focused on keeping my voice strong and stable for us both.

“Did he – did he find him?” he asked in a small, scared voice.

“No,” I sighed. “No, he didn’t. I waited too long…”

We were both quiet for a moment, letting the news sink in.

“I know how hard you tried, Kara. I’m so sorry. That bastard… I-I don’t know what to say… God, it makes me so mad,” he began to stutter. Something inside me could sense his blood beginning to boil, making him upset. The ghost was surfacing and I needed to calm him down.

“It’s okay, Nick. It doesn’t bother me so much anymore. I mean, I tried. Right? And – and he said he’ll leave the case open. So there’s still a chance…”

“Kara, I love you so much,”

I smiled, taken aback. I wasn’t expecting him to say that.

“I love you too, Nick,”

“No, seriously. I am so proud of you. You’re being so strong through all of this. You amaze me so much. Your strength is my inspiration. I love you. That’s all I can say right now. I love you so much,” He laughed and beautiful laugh and I blushed.

“You’re my strength,” I told him with certainty.

“No, no I’m not. I’m not even there to support you,” he said sadly.

“When I’m down,” I paused. “I think of you. And that gets me through the day,”

He sighed. “You really don’t know how much I miss you, Kara. You really don’t.” He let out a giant yawn on the last three words and I smiled.

“Sleep, Nick. You’re tired,” I told him.

“I will if you will,” he said sleepily.

“I can’t. I have…stuff to do,” I lied. I couldn’t sleep. My eyes were burning and I was lethargic like anything, but I couldn’t let the nightmare win me over.

“What stuff?” Nick asked, his voice curious.

“Um,” I hesitated. “You know…Clean and organize the nursery and tweet. Yeah, that’s it. I have to tweet,”

“You made a Twitter?”

“Yeah,”

“What is it?” He yawned again.

“I’ll text it to you later…when I’m tweeting…” I trailed off, scratching the back of my head nervously. I knew I was a terrible liar, especially to Nick. He saw right through every lie.

“Kara, whatever it is, you can tell me,” he said with certainty. He knew me all too well.

“I…” I hesitated. “I can’t sleep,”

“Is that it? Aw, Kara, sure you can. I can sing again if you want me to.” Another yawn escaped his lips.

I smiled, remembering his beautiful voice over the phone that night, singing to me sweetly until I dozed off. “I would love you to sing, Nick,” I paused. “But…I’m scared to death to fall asleep…without you. I don’t want to have another nightmare,” I confessed.

There was silence until a tiny, painful moan escaped him. “This is killing me, Kara. I wanna hold you so badly, it’s killing me,”

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I hate when you get upset. That’s what kills me, Nick. That’s what I’m afraid of all the time,”

He hesitated. “You’re right. I’m not being fair. You’re being so strong and I’m not. I just…can’t help myself. I’m not like you. It bothers me so much when you hurt,” He said something else after that, but it was masked by an even bigger yawn, making it complete gibberish.

I laughed. “Nick, you’re the nation’s rockstar. You need to go to sleep,”

“I’m your rockstar,” he said, smirking. “And no, I’m going to stay up with you.”

My heart warmed. “You’re too sweet,” I paused. “But please, Nick. I don’t want to get a phone call that you’ve passed out somewhere,”

“But –”

“No, no but’s. Sleep,” I wanted him to stay on that line forever, talking to me lovingly and filling my heart with that sweet voice of his. When it disappeared, I was blank and the days were long. But I couldn’t be selfish anymore. He sounded exhausted.

“Kara…” he pleaded.

“I’ll sing. Okay? If that’s what it takes you to sleep, I’ll sing.”

He chuckled excitedly. “Okay,”

“Okay? Really? That’s all it took?”

“Yup,” Another yawn.

“Okay…” I took a deep breath, trying to fight the nerves building up. I wracked my brain, searching for a song that I could sing to him that would sound at least half decent. I found one, cleared my throat, and began:

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice pulls me back like a wake up call
I've been looking for the answer
Somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, boy
My world has twice as many stars in the sky

It's alright, I survived, I'm alive again
Cuz of you, made it through every storm
What is life, what's the use if you're killing time
I'm so glad I found an angel
Someone
Who was there when all my hopes fell
I wanna fly, looking in your eyes

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, boy
My world has twice as many stars in the sky
Because you live, I live

Because you live there's a reason why
I carry on when I lose the fight
I want to give what you've given me always

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, boy
My world has twice as many stars in the sky

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, boy
My world has everything I need to survive

Because you live, I live, I live

“Mmm, your voice is so beautiful,” Nick said slowly and sleepily once I was finished.
“Sleep, Nick,”

He sighed deeply. “I love you,”

“I love you, too. Goodnight,” I smiled.

“’Night,” His voice trailed off. I pictured him laying in his bed in the hotel room, eyes closed and breathing steady. It warmed my heart to know that I made him fall asleep with a smile on his face. I waited a minute, and then hung up the phone, pleased that after everything, he was at ease, warm and safe in his bed.

I was going to be up all night, so I had to keep myself busy. I had a lot of options, but one thing stood out from the bunch. My mind was chock full of racing thoughts and Nick’s voice had done nothing but inspire me. I needed to let it all out somehow.

I was going to write a song.

-------------------------------

Time was beyond me. I didn’t know how long it had been. I was sitting at Nick’s piano with a notebook and sheet music on the stand. My hair was messed up and I was exhausted, but ideas were pouring out of me in waterfalls. I had never written an entire song before, so it shocked me how easily everything came out. I was rapidly going back and forth between writing down lyrics, singing them under my breath, and playing chords on the piano keys. I kept the volume low, afraid to wake up Mrs. Jonas, and when everything was finished, I was proud of what I had created. It had taken me a long time – I was no Nick Jonas with his genius songwriting brain and seven-minute songs – but I was relieved that I’d poured out all of my angels and demons onto the paper and into song.

I heard loud footsteps meet the hardwood floor above me and figured that Mrs. Jonas had awakened. I read through my song, feeling accomplished and calmed. I had gotten it all off my chest.

Music, much like clothes, had always been an obsession of mine. It started when I was very young – Max and I would dance around the living room to the Backstreet Boys and Michael Jackson, and in elementary school Nick convinced me to join chorus with him. In middle school, we focused on guitar lessons and in high school, we branched out. He took up the drums and I got interested in piano. The deal was we’d teach each other whatever we’d learned after we’d learned it. I’d taught him the ways of the keys last summer. He was so talented that he learned it way faster than I did. Everything music came very naturally to him. He was going to hold up his end of the bargain – he had been so excited to play music teacher – but our plans had been interrupted come December.

I took myself back to the day I taught him. We were both fourteen in our freshman year, upstairs in my room, sitting together at the new keyboard I had just gotten as a present from my grandparents. I was in love with it – it was shiny and glossed with an overcoat that was smooth and silky underneath my fingers. Nick had positioned his fingers on the keys and I placed my hands on top of his to guide him and show him just what to do. In no time, he was gliding over the keys like a professional – the black keys interested him especially – and the second he got home, he wrote a song about it.

As I slowly drifted back into reality, I felt myself smile. Times were so easy and life was so carefree back then. We were just children. And now, we’d taken on responsibilities that were things adults usually dealt with. Nick was a star, an artist was a hectic lifestyle and a skyrocketing career. I was going to bring a new life into the world.

September 23rd.

It wasn’t far away at all.

I read through my song one more time and with Mrs. Jonas no longer asleep, I could turn up the volume and sing it for real.

So that’s what I did.

I let my fingers slide across the keys, pleased and relaxed with the sound it produced, and began to sing.

All of you,
Shaped me into what I am.
Carried out the bitter girl.
Do you have a master plan? oh no
Somewhere I
Let all my defenses down,
Never thought to turn around,
and you did not make a sound

See it turning red,
like a bullet through the chest.
Lay me down to rest.
Its a lovers final breath.

And I found out nothing comes without a cost.
And life was just a game we lost.
Do you have a better thought? oh
Now you're gone,
and nothings ever felt so wrong.
A moment seems to last so long.
Do you have a fear so strong?

See it turning red,
like a bullet through the chest.
Lay me down to rest.
Its a lovers final breath.
Now I die.
Kiss you tender lips goodbye
Pray to god, who hears my cry.

I finished the last chord with a smile and ended with a sigh.

“That,” said a familiar, missed voice from behind me. The voice hadn’t filled the room in such a long time. “was the most amazing song I have ever heard,”

I whipped myself around as fast as I possibly could.

Nick.

“Hello, beautiful,” he said to me, grinning hugely.

My heart damn near exploded.