Playing With Fire

Over time, life became a blur. The rock star lifestyle was madness – the cameras seemed to be getting brighter, the paparazzi quicker, the screaming fans louder. I was beginning to wonder why the boys didn’t have headaches every second of the day. We were always rushing from interview to interview, radio station to radio station. But time passed slowly. Our lives were so repetitive – sometimes, we lived the same day twice. We were rarely ever at home anymore. We took daily drives down to New York and back. California was too far. But we tried.

The day before Nick’s birthday, the boys were called back to perform their next single on TRL, so we had to pack up our stuff and leave for New York as soon as possible. The plan was to stay there for three days, giving the boys enough time to do a fair amount of promo for the album. I was excited about it – last time we went, I had no time to check out Times Square. But Mrs. Jonas was going berserk.

“This is a horrible idea,” she mumbled to herself as she piled some luggage bags into the trunk of the SUV. Nick was helping me into the backseat, so I heard every word she said.

“Mom, you’re stressing over nothing. Kara will be fine,” said Kevin, walking over to his mother and placing a gentle hand on her tense shoulders.

She scoffed loudly, placing her hands stiffly on her hips. “She’s due in just a little bit over a week! She shouldn’t be out and about like this.”

Kevin sighed deeply, knowing that nothing he said could calm her racing nerves. He rubbed her back one last time and then walked around the car to take his seat, clearly defeated. I wanted to speak up and tell Mrs. Jonas that I would be fine, but I had no reasoning behind that. I didn’t know what could happen. Leaving was as much of a shot in the dark for me as it was for her. I was afraid of what could happen, but I just sat back against Nick’s chest and hoped for the best.

The drive to the city was long and grueling. We were beginning to get restless when we passed the two hour mark. The DVD in the player that was supposed to keep us occupied failed to even grab our attention. Layla kicked inside me impatiently and I knew she wasn’t enjoying the silence much either.

“You boys should use this extra time wisely and practice your vocals,” said Mr. Jonas as he switched lanes on the highway, taking a second to glance at his three sons from the rearview mirror.

“We’ve gone through ‘em a dozen times, Dad,” Joe groaned, running his fingers through his newly straightened hair.

“Couldn’t hurt, Joseph. I know you boys play arenas now, but remember when TRL was a big deal?”

Joe was silent for a moment. “Oh, alright,” he said, defeated. “One more time.”

The boys reviewed their harmonies for the set of songs they would play later that day. Their voices, all three of them merged into one unique sound, always left me breathless. Their talent was so raw and real.

Another forty-five minutes later, the boys had the songs down and perfect in every note. We all let out a deep sigh of relief when the sign “Welcome to New York City” came into view. I glanced behind my shoulder and saw three cars behind us. It wasn’t until we got out of the car did I recognize who they were – Charlene, a few people from the record company, the boys’ new bodyguard Rob, and Mr. Jonas’s personal assistant, Jen. When we pulled up to the hotel, Jen checked us in and got everything sorted out as we freshened up and made our way down to the TRL studio in Times Square. The boys began soundchecking immediately and before their performance, they started their pump routine.

It was a pretty interesting process to watch. First, they would go on a hunt for a room with the best acoustics to warm up – usually it’s some giant bathroom. Then, Joe would do about a hundred push-ups and drink a few Red Bulls. Kevin would practice his scales and help Joe to stretch. And Nick would do one-handed cartwheels backstage, one after another, and check his blood sugar exactly three times. Just a few minutes before showtime, we’d all gather in a circle by the stage curtain, hold hands, say a prayer, and put our game faces on.
Kevin was the first to run out on stage, then Joe. The walls were already beginning to shake with screams. Nick was about to step out of the curtain when he paused and turned on his heel to look me in the eye.

“I love you,” he said simply, a smile lingering sweetly on his lips.

I grinned. “I love you, too.”

His eyes sparkled and he pressed his lips to mine, holding onto the side of my neck gently. When he finally released me and ran out on stage to join his brothers, the crowd erupted, causing the floor to shake and vibrate uneasily. I laughed proudly at my boys and met the rest of the remaining Jonases backstage.

After the show, I was expecting the boys to be pumped and ready to jump off the walls from excitement, but eventually the high wore off and they crashed, completely and utterly exhausted. Nick almost collapsed into my arms when he hugged me by the curtain.

“You boys up for some dinner?” Mr. Jonas asked his sons as the last few fans left the audience. He patted their backs lovingly.

Joe groaned. “Let’s just go to the hotel and order room service or something. I’m beat.” His eyes were already halfway closed, drooping slowly.

“Yeah, and I don’t feel so good,” said Nick. “I think my sugar’s too high,” He looked down at the floor and I took his warm hand in mine. The highs and lows always got the best of him.

“Okay, okay,” laughed Mr. Jonas, “Let’s go then,”

Kevin picked up Frankie, who was slowly falling asleep himself, and we made our way back to the hotel. We changed into our pajamas and went to our separate rooms – Mr. and Mrs. Jonas had their own, Kevin shared with Frankie because he was the only one who could get him to go to bed, and Nick, Joe, and I had a room to ourselves.

“Goodnight, my loves,” Mrs. Jonas said as she hugged and kissed each of us. “Sleep tight,”

Once the goodnights were all said, I made my way back to the room with Nick and Joe. We put in The Hangover and ordered some dinner, but Nick felt too out of it to eat anything and Joe passed out on the floor before he even touched his spaghetti. We had to shake him twelve times before he finally stirred and moved to his bed.

“’Night, bro,” laughed Nick, pulling the covers snugly over his big brother.

“Goodnight, Joe,” I said, kissing his cheek lightly.

“Hmph…” he said, smiling groggily, before his face softened and sleep overtook him.
Nick groaned the fell onto the empty bed beside Joe’s, taking my hand and pulling me to lay down beside him. He placed a hand over Layla and sighed deeply.

I heard his heartbeat faintly thudding in his chest. He wasn’t feeling well. I took his cold hand and began tracing tiny hearts on his forearm.

“You should eat something, love,” he told me, closing his eyes and kissing my hair.

“I’m fine right here,” I replied. I had eaten two slices of Pizza Hut backstage anyway, so Layla was more than satisfied.

“I’m okay. Honestly. The sugar will go down eventually. You know how it goes,” he sighed.

“I know,” I said, “I just worry. That’s all.”

We remained silent for a while. His skin was warming up and his heartbeat was returning back to normal. He let out a laugh.

“What’s funny?” I said, smiling at the beautiful sound.

“This is my last hour being fifteen,” he replied, glancing up at the clock perched on the wall above the television. It read 11:11pm.

“Make a wish,” I told him.

He took a moment to answer. “Everything I could ever want is in my arms right now,”

I felt the heat rush to my cheeks and blushed, snuggling closer against his body.

“You’re so cheesy,” I told him out of embarrassment, but clung to him harder.

He chuckled. “It sounds cheesy, but it’s true. I don’t need to wish for anything because I have everything a guy could ever want already. I have it all and more. I have you.” He paused. “When I’m with you, the world could end and I wouldn’t care as long as I could feel you next to me. When I think of the future, Kara, all I can see is you.”

My body began to tingle. No matter how many times it happened, I could never get used to him saying things like that to me.

I struggled to find the proper words to say. Everything I thought of seemed so insignificant when the sweet words that had just slipped out of his mouth echoed in my mind. “I love you,” I whispered to him. “Everything about you. I’m not a poet or a songwriter or an author, so I can’t always pick the right words to fit together and express the way I feel. To be honest, I really don’t think there are words that even exist to describe this feeling. But I love you more than you will ever know. Never forget that.”

He hugged me to him closer, kissing my hair and resting his chin on my head. His once tense, cold muscles were relaxed and loosened, releasing a vibe that seemed to comfort me as well. We remained silent for a long time – we didn’t need words to fill in the gaps anymore. The soothing sound of his heartbeat resounded in my head. If I could have spent the rest of my life in that spot, I would have.

In a heartbeat.

I glanced up at the clock on the wall and waited as the thin red hand worked its way passed the Roman numbers on the black dial, until it finally reached twelve and struck midnight.
I smiled to myself briefly and moved so I could see Nick’s face. His eyes were closed and his lips were curved slightly upward, hinting at a warm, gentle smile.

“Nick?” I asked him, stroking the side of his face. He leaned his head against my hand.

“Hmm?” he spoke up gently, taking my hand in his. His eyes swung open and two chocolate brown pupils greeted me happily. My heart almost exploded in disbelief – he was getting more beautiful each day.

I pulled myself together so I could tell him what needed to be said. I wanted to be first. I wanted to be first forever.

“Happy birthday,” I said, grinning.

His eyes smiled at me, happy and bright. He laughed a carefree, cheerful laugh and shook his head, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on my lips.

We spent the night that way – just talking and holding each other. That’s all we needed. It wasn’t until I let out a large yawn and felt Layla begin to settle down.

“Sleep, Kara,” Nick told me, brushing my cheek with his fingers. “You’re exhausted,”

“I will if you will,”

He sighed. “Alright, you stubborn child.”

I laughed.

The familiar melody of Layla’s lullaby began to seep from Nick’s lips. The tempo was slowed and relaxed, causing my eyes to become heavy with fatigue. The sound was beautiful. Falling asleep to Nick’s voice gave me beautiful dreams. Beautiful dreams of his beautiful face and the beautiful future I saw us living. It was a beautiful picture.

Already halfway unconscious, I heard Nick kiss the top of my head and whisper “sweet dreams” before he turned off the lights and his breathing slowed. We slipped into deep sleep, and not one nightmare ever invaded my dreams in Nick’s presence.

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The next day was a day off for the boys. They were given the freedom of doing anything they wanted to do, as long as their bodyguard Rob tagged along. When I finally awakened, Nick was walking out of the bathroom with a bare chest, running a small white towel through his wet curls. He saw me awake and grinned.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he said, walking over to the side of the bed and kissing my forehead. He smelled so sweet. I wanted to pull him close to me and never let him go.

“Morning,” I replied, smiling.

“The bathroom’s all yours,”

“Alright,” I sat up, glancing around the room. My eyes stopped at Joe, who was still fast asleep in his bed. The covers somehow ended up on the floor and he was sprawled in the most uncomfortable looking position, yet he was knocked unconscious completely. I laughed.

Nick joined in my laughter and then walked across the room to his suitcase, pulling out a pair of dark wash jeans and a plaid button-up shirt. It was hard to tear my eyes away from him, but I fought to and eventually got out of bed. I couldn’t resist though.

“By the way,” I said as I walked over and stopped in front of him. I ran my hands up and down his chest gently, careful not to tempt him too much. “You’re hot,”

With that, I turned on my heel and walked into the bathroom, stealing one last glance at his face, an expression mixed with shock and an urge for more. I laughed.

After I showered and dressed, Joe finally decided to wake up and get in the shower as well. As we waited for him, Nick and I ordered breakfast and sat down to eat.

“You’re a tease, you know that?” he said, taking my hand.

I laughed. “Sorry,”

I waited as Nick took a bite of his cereal.

“So, what are the plans for today, Birthday Boy?”

He smiled. “I’m not sure. What do you want to do?”

“No way, kid. It’s your day. What do you want to do?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, I guess I –“

“He wants to go bowling,” I heard a voice say from behind me. I turned around and saw Joe walk out from the bathroom. His hair was freshly straightened once again.

I considered the idea. “Alright, bowling it is then,” I said, smiling at Nick, who shrugged and spooned his last bite of cereal into his mouth. He didn’t like a lot of attention – parties weren’t really his thing. But I knew he would never pass up gloating over the fact that he could get a perfect score at bowling every time.

After breakfast, Nick, Joe, and I met up with the rest of the family and discussed the day’s rules and plans. We were allowed to go anywhere in Times Square as long as we had at least one bodyguard with us at all times, which was pretty bothersome at first. But over time, I got used to it. It was just part of the package.

The boys and I hit up dozens of stores, with Urban Outfitters being our favorite. I bought Nick a new watch for his birthday. Needless to say, he loved it and asked me to fasten it around his wrist the moment he saw it with a huge smile stretched across his face, which made me unbearably happy. We walked down the busy streets of Times Square happily with Big Rob close on our heels, until the attention grew and fans began noticing exactly who we were.

“Oh, my God,” said a girl in a bright pink t-shirt gripping two shopping bags in her hands., “You’re the Jonas Brothers!” Her eyes were wide with surprise as she stopped dead in her tracks, the falling to the ground and making a small “thud”.

“Yes, we are,” Kevin said to the girl casually, flashing her a charming smile. She answered with a nervous grin of disbelief.

“I-I…Wow, I don’t know what to say,” she stuttered, “Can I have your autographs?”

“Yeah, sure,” Joe said politely. He was asked that question so many times daily, so the answer was rather rehearsed. But the girl squealed with excitement. She scrambled through one of her bags and found a small blue notepad, pulled it out, and weighed it in her hands.

“Um…I don’t have a pen,” she said sadly. Her face dropped.

I wasn’t going to say anything and bring attention to myself, to be completely honest. My plan was to hide behind Big Rob until the coast was clear. But the disappointment in the girl’s eyes were too much for me to simply ignore.

“Aw, that’s too bad,” said Nick, turning out his pockets in search of a pen. He seemed genuinely let down.

“No, I have one,” I finally spoke up from behind Big Rob. I walked around his protection haven and met the fan’s wide eyes with a nervous smile. I reached into my tote bag and pulled out a purple gel pen, handing it to Kevin. I moved back to stand beside Nick, terrified of what the girl may say to me.

“You’re…Kara? Nick’s girlfriend. Right?” she said slowly. Her expression was confusing – I couldn’t tell if she was one of the many who hated me or the few that didn’t. I just nodded. Nick snaked his arm loosely around me.

The girl opened her mouth to speak again, but Joe cut her off.

“So, what’s your favorite song off the album?” he asked her quickly as he signed his name neatly on the pad and handed it to Nick. The girl suddenly became beyond starstruck, completely in awe over the fact that Joe Jonas had just asked her a question.

“Oh, um…” She laughed nervously. “Definitely ‘When You Look Me In The Eyes’. It’s so beautiful,” she replied. I felt Nick tighten his grip on me. That was his favorite, too.

“Alright, all set,” Nick said to the fan, handing her the notepad with a smile on his face.

“Wow, thank you guys so much,” she squealed with happiness.

“No problem,” said the boys in unison. We were eager to get to Bowl America – especially me. I didn’t want to stick around long enough for her to say something mean to me. We began to say our goodbyes.

“Oh, one last thing…Well, actually two,” the girl said nervously.

She paused.

“Can I have your autograph, too? I’d really appreciate it.”

It took a moment for me to grasp exactly what she was saying. I finally realized that she was in truth talking to me, asking me for my autograph.

“Me?” I asked her, shocked. I felt my eyebrows raise and my hand brought its way to my chest.

She nodded, passing the notepad back to me. The boys look on, impressed.

I was in shock. I had never signed an autograph before, let alone had a fan or anything close to it. It was a surreal moment. I tried my best to sign my name as neatly as possible, but the signature looked so unprofessional next to Kevin’s, Joe’s, and Nick’s. It was a first for me, but a millionth for them.

I gave the girl the pad back.

“Thanks, Kara! Oh, and happy birthday, Nick,” she said, smiling. “You guys are really cute together.”

“Thank you. That means a lot,” said Nick, pulling me even closer to him. The fan grinned one last time, picked up her bags, and waved goodbye to us.

“Bye!” we all yelled in unison as she strutted down the New York street, still in disbelief.

“Well, that went well,” Kevin said once she was out of earshot.

“I know. It’s weird ‘cause they never go that well,” Joe agreed.

I just smiled up at Nick, who kissed my forehead in return. It brought me peace that not everyone hated me. It was a good day.

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At Bowl America, the boys and I bowled for hours on end. I watched intently as Joe beat Kevin in a game of one-on-one, but by eight o’clock, Nick was spending his normal gloating time teaching me how to get a strike.

“It’s all in the arm. You gotta hold it so the weight doesn’t shift and make it turn,” he said with his arms around me, guiding my hands and showing me how to grip the ball. When I finally threw it and knocked down the pins, Nick put his arm around my shoulders confidently and smirked.

“Told ya,” he said.

“Dork,” I laughed.

A few games later, we ordered pizza and shared some birthday cake. Nick warned us not to sing to him, but we did it anyway. It was Joe’s idea. Secretly, I knew Nick loved it. The DJ in charge of Bowl America had dimmed the lights and lowered the disco balls across the floor, playing music the entire time we bowled. It was nice to relax and get away from the intense lifestyle for a while – no cameras, no fans, no reporters; just us. Being ourselves. Being kids.

“Alright, guys. Time to go,” I heard a deep, rumbling voice interrupt our conversations. I turned around and saw that it came from Big Rob. The boys groaned.

“But we just got here,” Joe complained.

“Joe, it’s definitely been like, four hours,” said Kevin.

Joe smacked the back of his big brother’s head.

“Shut up, Kevin. You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“Sorry. I’m just sayin’..”

“Listen, guys,” Big Rob interrupted the boys’ quarrel. “I want to stay, too. But your parents don’t want you out so late. They want you home safe,” he tried to reason with them, patting their backs.

“Even on Nick’s birthday?” Joe asked, not giving up hope. It hurt me how little free time the boys got. It was always pure business – they had no time to be kids because they were too busy growing up.

“Yes,” said Big Rob.

We were all disappointed.

“Can we at least drive ourselves back?” asked Kevin.

“Guys, do you want me to get fired? What if fans recognize you on the road? What would you do?” argued Rob.

“C’mon, we can handle it,” said Joe.

“Coming from the nineteen-year-old without a driver’s license.”

“Shhh!” Joe hushed him, “I told you not to bring that up in public…”

Big Rob laughed. “You’ll drive home with a driver and finish the party at the hotel. Comprende?”

“Fine,” the boys said in unison. I was pretty sad about it too – I hadn’t seen the boys so happy in a long time. It put a smile on my face. But watching them walk out of Bowl America with their heads handing down was depressing. I latched on to Nick’s hand and walked beside him until we reached the car. He opened the door and helped me into my seat. He put extra care in buckling my seatbelt – I guessed it was because he wanted to kill the time. When he finished, he kissed my forehead and took a moment to look into my eyes.

“I love you,” he said. His voice was sad – disappointment filled his eyes.

I touched his face. “What’s bothering you?” I asked.

I knew he wanted to stay out longer and be a kid for a few more minutes – being deprived of that crucial element of childhood was so unfair to him. I knew that. But something odd inside me was screaming, telling me it wasn’t right. There was a pain buried beneath Nick’s expression – a hint of worry and concern. It scared me. I was suddenly afraid.

He looked at me as though he was never going to see me again.

“What’s bothering you?” I repeated, tension growing inside my. My throat dried.

He was quick to transform. “Nothing,” he said, forcing a smile. “It’s nothing,” He squeezed my hand gently and shut the door, walking around the car and climbing in beside me. Joe and Kevin were already buckled in, as well as our driver, Michael, who was patiently waiting for us. Nick’s sudden mood shift wouldn’t escape my mind. The anxious thoughts rattled inside my head, making it hurt.

He had no reason to look at me that way – no reason at all. I wasn’t going anywhere. Wherever he went, I would be right by his side. I needed it to stay that way. Nothing bad was going to happen, and yet his face was so traumatized, so frightened. It was a hint of the ghost. I couldn’t handle the ghost. But the question burned in me.

I turned to him and looked him deep in the eye, ignoring Layla’s uncomfortable kicking in response to my hormone imbalance.

“What’s wrong?” I asked Nick.

He took a moment to answer. I could imagine the thoughts and words bouncing around in his head like bees, frantically at first, as he thought of what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it. He was struggling with the proper diction.

He took a deep breath. “You’re gonna think I’m crazy or something,” he said, laughing briefly without humor.

I shook my head. “I won’t,”

He prepared himself. “I just…had a bad feeling. That’s all. I get those sometimes. It’s weird. But right after, something bad always happens,” he said slowly, putting his arms around me protectively. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“Everything is fine,” I comforted him. “We’re safe. You don’t need to worry,”

His breathing slowed and he kissed the top of my head. I tried to tune out Joe’s voice belting out “Bad Romance” with the radio and focused on Nick’s heartbeat. It was quicker than normal. His nerves were once again taking him over.

“Okay, seriously, guys,” I heard Joe’s voice yell over the music. “You look depressed. This is supposed to be a freakin’ party! My little man over here is sixteen!” He motioned to Nick.

I felt Nick’s chest vibrate with laughter. “I’m not little, okay? I’m older than you on the inside,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m more mature than you are,” Nick said, “Plus, I can drive.”

“Not legally,” Joe argued.

“Whatever. I’m thirty-four at heart and you’re like, six.”

“Take that back!” yelled Joe. I laughed and opened my eyes to see him stretching back across the seat to smack Nick’s shoulder.

“Or what? You’ll give me another girly slap?” teased Nick.

“Or I’ll put you in a headlock when we get home!”

Nick scoffed loudly. “I’d like to see you try,”

“Oh, now you’re just asking for it!” Joe shouted, laughing and flashing us his straight, white teeth. He unbuckled his seatbelt and climbed over the backseat to the third row, ignoring Michael’s warnings of it being unsafe. Joe began ruffling Nick’s hair and punching his sides. Kevin and I looked on, laughing carelessly. It was comforting to watch them just being brothers – they let the inner boyish charm out and acted like complete children. Seeing Nick smile like that was my favorite sight. The rare moments when he showed off that brilliant grin were incredible. My heart warmed as I saw him laugh hysterically at Joe locking his head between his forearm and shoulder blade.
We were all finally happy.

Completely, utterly, blissfully happy.

But then it all came crashing down like a bloodcurdling horror movie.

We saw a large, bright light and heard a loud, screeching bang. In a split second, my eyes rushed to meet Nick’s – the ghost was back. Joe released him and tried to bend over to shield his baby brother. Nick dived down to touch me but he was restrained by his locked seatbelt. Kevin’s hand enclosed around mine, and I heard a violent shriek of my name coming from Mrs. Jonas’s voice. We were in slow motion, until time fast forwarded itself and we finally collided. I shut my eyes tight as the sound of metal meeting metal loudly filled my ears. Glass shattered, tired screeched, human voices screamed out in pain and were suddenly silenced.

It was a scene straight out of one of my nightmares.

And I didn’t know if I was going to wake up.