Playing With Fire

Life is a mystery. You never know who you’re going to meet, who you’re going to fall in love with, where you’re going to end up. You never know where life will take you, what decisions will meet your crossroads, what sacrifices you’ll have to make. You never know if that life will lead you to your dreams or drown you in the dark. You never know if that life will be filled with love and laughter, or sorrow and pain. You never know when life will throw you a curveball, surprise you like no other, or simply take your breath away.

And you never know when life will end.

I was numb. I knew I was hurt – everyone was hurt. But I couldn’t face it. My body had failed me. I could feel no more. I could move no more. I saw nothing but darkness – pitch black, lonely night. But my ears were ringing with sounds I never wanted to remember.

First, there was screaming. It was low and distant, but slowly it grew as I regained consciousness and came back to reality into loud, heartbreakingly painful sobbing. I tried to distinguish the voice it was coming from, but my heart began to ache far too much for me to concentrate. The sound of their cries was excruciating – I couldn’t take it. The pain I heard was so raw and so real, I wanted to cry with them. I knew that whoever it was, they knew something was horribly wrong. Whoever it was, they were in indescribable pain.

Over time, the screaming divided into two voices, both equally pleading and painful. One was higher pitched that the other – I recognized the other instantly.
Nick.

“Kara! Kara! Oh, God, Kara. Make a sound or something so I know you’re okay! Please, I’m begging you. Oh, God… Oh, dear God… Let her be okay. Please, Kara…”

His voice was rough and intense, like nothing I had ever heard before. I heard it in that voice that he was in pain – both mental and physical pain. I had no way of knowing how badly he was hurt. He was fighting to keep his voice loud and steady so I would hear him and make a sound. I wanted to make a sound so badly. I wanted to yell and scream in return that I was okay so he could be at peace.

But I wasn’t okay.

Suddenly, a piercing sting of agony erupted in my side and I felt a whimper escape my lips. It was burning – a sensation unlike any pain I had ever felt before, so much worse than I could have imagined. The whimpering soon grew into crying, then unsteady screams.

“KARA! Oh, thank God you’re okay! Jesus Christ, I don’t know what I would’ve done. God – What is it? What hurts? Tell me, Kara! Just say something!” I heard Nick’s voice shriek, cracking.

All I could do was scream his name in response. The pain was blazing fiercely inside my – I was on fire, flames smoldering my body. I felt my muscles begin to shake. Nick’s voice soon became distant once again as my brain shut itself off from the world. I could think of nothing but the pain; how much it was destroying me, when it could finally be over. It felt as though someone was breaking me in half, pulling the two aching halves of my body apart until I was no longer whole. It brought back the familiar but forgotten feeling of that cold day in December – I was alone.

He was tearing me apart once again.

My eyes flew open and I fought to see. My face felt swollen and hot – my vision was blotched with tears and blurred like a foggy window in April. My torso throbbed and I rushed to pull myself together with my arms in the fear that I would fall apart, but I couldn’t move them. I was trapped under something. I tried to move my legs, my feet, my toes – anything. But a force was pushing me back against the surface, forbidding me from moving an inch. I began to panic. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak.

I was going to die.

A rush of anxiety invaded my mind as I thought of all the others – Nick, Joe, Kevin, Michael… I thought of sweet Mrs. Jonas insisting on coming with us to the bowling alley to make sure I would be safe. If I hadn’t been so irresponsible, she wouldn’t have come – she would have been at the hotel, safe and sound. I couldn’t get the echo of her shrieking my name out of my memories. I began to cry harder at the thought of losing her and her loving sons, my heroes. I heard no noise from them.

We were all going to die.

My head ached as I rambled through my head, thinking silently of a prayer to say, and struggled to say my last word. I was fully convinced of it – my life had ended that night. I didn’t want to die a silent death. I wanted my last breath to be of the four most beautiful words I knew, the words that defined my entire existence – the only thing that kept me going this long. I had no fight left in me. The pain was pulsing through my body, slowly taking me over. I prayed hard for it to end. I couldn’t take it anymore. But before I gave up completely, I had to say it. I didn’t know if it would even be heard. For all I knew, my last words would be spoken to nothing but the dark. But I had to say it. It had been said so many times before, but not even close to enough. I wanted to say it.

It was my dying wish.

I fought against the pain one last time to take a breath. As my eyes shut, hot tears of farewell streamed down my face. I was ready.

“Nick,” I heard myself whisper. The distant screaming in the background silenced. “I love you.”

And with that, I let it all go. All the pain that was my life was lifted; slowly, it disappeared. Every experience, every memory of heartache – gone. All I saw was Nick. The light in the shadows.

Then, I waited – waited to be taken, waited to be put at peace. The background noise remained far away, but Nick’s voice was rising above the rest. He was angry now.

“KARA! God, Kara, NO! Don’t you give up on me. Kara Chanel – No, Kara Jonas. Do you hear me? Kara fucking Jonas, you come back to me! You can’t leave me here! Don’t you do this! Please! God, Kara…You are my life! That baby is our life! Come back!”

His pleading slowly drowned into silence. I held on for mere seconds to hear the sound of my name meshed with his, the beautiful sound coming from a pained soul. I wanted to hear that name again. I wanted to hear it over and over again for the rest of my life, coming from his lips in his voice. I held on for him.

“Kara, please… Don’t leave… I love you so much. I can’t do this…alone…” he continued to beg. His breathing was beginning to slow. I listened closely as he took deep breaths, fought to get out what he wanted to say, then gasp desperately for more air.

Nick was dying.

“I don’t know if…you can even hear me…right now, Kara…But I’m begging you. Hold on for me…Just a little…longer…and everything will be…fine…I love…you…”

His voice became low and distant once more, until it finally trailed off and silenced. I wanted to scream for him to wake up, to keep talking – hearing his voice was the only way I could know if he was alive.

But still, no sound could escape my lips but whimpering. An anger boiled in me that I couldn’t explain – my body was betraying me.

I could only guess how long we were there, trapped underneath the car against the highway. I could feel the sharp edges of the hard concrete pressed against my arm – it told me I was on my side. Something was wrapped tightly around my neck, restricting my voice – I was in too much pain to try and figure it out what it could be. I was too busy fighting for my life.

I knew if help didn’t come soon, I would die.

My emotions twisted into confusion. I didn’t know whether to fight to live or give up. All I could think of after the initial realization of the crash was Nick. I could still hear his low, unsteady gasps, but he made no attempts to speak. I wanted to touch him and tell him he was going to be okay. But I couldn’t.

Physically, I couldn’t.

But I couldn’t lie to him either.

I was almost certain I was going to die there with him and with Layla. I was meant to die nine months ago, but I hadn’t – it was only delayed by a little.

Yet, I kept holding on for Nick.

Imagining life without Nick was hard. I realized that I wouldn’t be living. I couldn’t live without him – in my body, I could. But there would be no use. There was just no life after Nick.

I was distraught, torn over life and death. Should I let go and end the blinding pain, or should I stay and fight for the ones I love? The idea of being in peace brought my comfort – peace without the pain, without the constant reminder of the disappointment in my life. I made up my mind.

It was time to go.

I was about to let go for sure and forever, give in to the light and go to Heaven with Nick.

But the music in my head interrupted me.

Sweet, beautiful music. I struggled to listen.

When you look me in the eyes, I know that it’s forever.

The pain numbed for a moment and I relaxed.

Forever.

We had promised.

The ring on my left hand suddenly became heavy and the music slowly faded, replaced by a set of loud, wailing sirens, slowly leading into crescendo as they came closer. My heart began to pound against my chest as the minutes passed.

“Whoa, Jeff, car full of kids, man! Get those stretchers over here, stat!” a man yelled loudly in the distance. My head throbbed with every syllable.

“Youngest is sixteen! Three boys, one man, woman, and girl. Oh, shit. JEFF! Hurry up! She’s pregnant!”

The voice got closer.

“Listen, sweetie, can you hear me? My name is Shane. I’m here to take care of you. Can you squeeze my hand for me please?”

I felt someone touch my hand, but I couldn’t move in response. My eyes drooped and I felt my breathing slow.

The ground began to spin, slowly at first and then faster and faster. The force around my neck was released and I was moved.

Bad idea.

The pain erupted ten times worse than before, starting in my torso then spreading to every last inch of my body. I screamed out in pain.

All I could think of was the pain. It was all I felt, saw, breathed, knew…I wanted to die all over again.

But then it all went dark, like a blackout during a thunderstorm – I didn’t know where I was, who was taking me and where, and if I’d be alive or dead the next time I saw with my own eyes.

I left it up to God.

Life was a mystery.

But the blackout was hell.