Playing With Fire

Time had stood still. Every figure in that room blurred but hers. She was there in the flesh, less than three feet from me, with her eyes closed and her pink face tired and worn. The experience was unlike anything I had ever seen or felt or heard. Her crying, a beautiful and innocent sound, filled the room and bounced lightly off the walls. A feeling of such love and hope suddenly burst from within me and I wanted so much to just touch her, to feel her skin against mine and tell her I love her. My lungs begged me to breathe, but the sight of her left me completely breathless. I was in awe over her presence and I needed to have her in my arms.

But they took her away so fast.

“Get her to neonatal stat. I have a lot to deal with here with mom, okay?” Dr. Montgomery said to her team of nurses. Her voice was strained – she was upset but she was trying to hide it. I knew that strategy well.

“Listen, Kara,” she said, this time looking up at me as she cleaned up quickly. Everything these people did had to be so fast. I wanted the world to slow down. “I know this is all very fast for you, but I promise all your questions will be answered soon. Right now, I need you to stay calm and let me take care of you.”

I took a quick breath against my will. “But Layla –“

“Layla is fine. You’ll be able to see her soon. Nick will go and watch her for you. Right, Nick?” She turned to him and smiled, raising her eyebrows.

Nick was in a sheer daze, staring into my eyes in awe. I wanted him to tell me what he was thinking – everything had happened so fast and he had been there to witness it all – but there was no time. He nodded slowly in response to the doctor’s question and mentally slapped himself, coming back into reality. He was, without a doubt, in shock. And I didn’t know if that was good or bad. But he knelt over me and kissed my lips tenderly, lingering for a moment to move strands of hair from my face, then getting up and taking a deep breath before walking out.

I tried to wrap my head around everything that had happened in such little time, but I couldn’t. Life had changed beyond measure. I was a mother. Thankfully, Nick was alive, but I had no news on the others. I shuddered at the possibilities. For all I knew, they could have been dead already. I stopped thinking of it before I started to cry. My head began to hurt as Dr. Montgomery continued to talk beside me. My mind was too boggled to pay full attention to what she was saying, but I caught the basics.

“Kara, please. Stay with me,” she said loudly by my ear. “You were hit by a truck running a red light. It was bad. Very, very bad… You have no idea how lucky both you and Layla are to have survived it.” She paused abruptly to take a deep breath. “The seatbelt was wrapped around your neck for a long time, restricting a lot of oxygen from getting into your system. You bled out from the glass cutting into your back. It’s not life threatening, but I need to stitch it up as soon as possible.” As she spoke, she grabbed a thin needle-like instrument and a wad of black string. “It won’t hurt,” she assured me. “You’re already numbed,”

I could do nothing but comply as a nurse helped me to turn on my side. I felt slight tugs of pressure against my skin on the left side of my back as Dr. Montgomery stitched up the wound. It took a while – I couldn’t see it, but I knew the cut was big. I paid barely any attention to what the doctor said to me once again. My body was there, slowly being repaired, but in my mind I didn’t know where I was at all.

“Your friend there sure is a trooper,” Dr. Montgomery said from behind me, “Nick, I mean. We weren’t sure if he’d wake up. He hit his head so badly. But he opened his eyes for sure, screaming out your name as he did it. He must love you a lot.”

I smiled against my pillow. “I know,” I whispered under my breath.

Minutes later, she had finished stitching me up and wrapped my entire torso in a thick, white bandage. It was then that I noticed I was dressed in a pink hospital gown as my clothes, ripped and bloody from the accident, sat in a pile in the corner of the room. A nurse handed me a damp towel to wipe my forehead, but the moment I reached for it, I wished I hadn’t.

My arm suddenly stung with pain and I winced sharply. Dr. Montgomery rushed to stabilize my arm and I knew something was wrong.

“We couldn’t X-ray during labor,” she said quickly, suddenly realizing the problem. “Bailey, get a crash cart. I don’t want to risk moving her just yet.”

One of the nurses nodded confidently and left the room as my arm continued to burn. I wondered when all the pain would finally end. Bailey returned with a large, intricate looking machine and I began to panic.

“This may hurt just a bit,” she said as she took my arm. I rushed to shut my eyes tight and brace for more pain, but strangely there was none. I felt a small hint of pressure under my muscles, but compared to everything else I’d felt that night, it was nothing. I took a deep breath.

In my head, I stopped time and just focused on inhaling and exhaling. I drowned out the other voices and tried to escape the hospital. I let the doctors and nurses to whatever they wanted to my body. In my head, I was far, far away. In my head, part of me was waiting to wake up from the dream, to go back to how life was before. But the other more dominant part of me was relieved – relieved that Layla was healthy, Nick was alive. Relieved that the fire was finally out and I could continue to live my life.

Minutes ago, I had been ready to die.

But I was glad I had fought it. Layla would have gone wherever I had gone and if I had given up so easily, I never would have forgiven myself for taking her life.

In my head, I escaped into the future.

I thought of Layla and nothing but.

And I was okay.

---------------------------------------

“Don’t poke her like that, Joe.”

“Chill, Kevin. I’m not hurting her.”

“How would you know?”

“Boys, stop arguing.”

“Yes, Mom…Kara? Earth to mommy this time!”

“Joe, you’re a dork. Let me do it.”

“Shut up, cripple. I got this.”

I smiled and felt my heavy eyes open, revealing two smiling faces leaning over me.

“There are those pretty eyes, KC,” said Joe, grinning.

I looked from Joe to Kevin and felt myself become overwhelmed with joy. They were alive and well – that’s all I could have asked for. Joe’s face was untouched except for a small, deep cut on top of one of his eyebrows. It was stitched up and clean, but it looked like it hurt. Kevin was in a wheelchair with a navy blue cast wrapped around his leg. But otherwise, they looked good. And I was thankful.

I rushed to reach up and wrap my arms around Joe’s neck, but I winced in pain and wished I’d moved slower. I noticed a new bright pink cast wrapped around my wrist – I had broken my arm in the accident.

“Easy there,” laughed Joe, reaching behind me and laying me back on the bed gently. “You’re okay,” he said, kissing my forehead.

“I’m so happy to see you guys,” I said. My voice sounded raspy and my throat hurt. I wondered how long it had been since I’d had something to drink.

“We’re glad you’re okay,” said Kevin, taking my hand. He smiled a genuine smile.

“Is that Kara? Is she awake?” a voice said from across the room. Kevin scooted his wheelchair over, closer to the end of the bed.

“Oh, Kara! Thank God!” Mrs. Jonas threw herself in my direction and hugged me tightly. Seeing her safe brought tears to my eyes and I thanked God silently for saving her – for saving everyone.

“I don’t know what we would’ve done if – Oh, God, thank heaven you’re alright. These past few hours have been torture,” she exclaimed. Kevin reached behind her and pulled up a chair for her to sit in.

“Hours?” I asked, “How long have I been asleep?”

“We were hit at around ten o’clock. It’s three now,” she said, moving more hair from my face and stroking my cheek.

“Oh.” I wanted to talk to Nick. I wanted to see Layla. But I needed to know more.

“I was so afraid,” Mrs. Jonas continued. “Joe was unconscious for so long. He wasn’t wearing his seatbelt.” She shot Joe an angry but tear-filled look. He looked down and played with the string of his gown. “I didn’t know he would wake up. I didn’t think anyone would wake up after what happened to Michael…” She trailed off, hiding her face and wiping her eyes with a tissue that had been stuffed into her fist.

“What happened to Michael?” I asked slowly, referring to our driver.

Mrs. Jonas’s crying grew louder and Joe looked from Kevin to his mother to me and back again. I suddenly knew from the look in their eyes and my heart sank.

“Oh, no…” I whispered.

“He was closest to the truck,” Mrs. Jonas said in a thick voice through her tears. “And you were in the seat behind him. So I thought…Oh, Kara, I’m just so happy you’re alright!” She looked up at me with red, swollen eyes and took my hand. Her hair was matted and going in every direction and her skin was pale and cold to the touch. But I still saw the gentle, heartwarming woman staring back at me.

“And the baby…” Her eyes suddenly lit up and both Joe and Kevin smiled. “The baby is just beautiful, Kara. Just beautiful.”

“She is?” I asked, grinning in anticipation.

The three of them nodded proudly.

Joe craned his neck to look out the window leading into the ICU hallway and said, “Speaking of which, here comes Bailey with Dad.”

“Finally,” said Mrs. Jonas as she stood up.

“I can’t wait to see her face,” Kevin agreed. He wheeled himself over to the other side of the room and greeted his father.

“Hello,” said Dr. Bailey as she walked into the room, pushing a small cart with protective brackets and a pink blanket stretched across it. She pushed it over to the left side of my bed and I struggled to look inside it to find Layla, but it was empty.

Mr. Jonas kissed his wife and sons, assuring them the paparazzi were being kept away from the hospital, before walking over to give me a warm hug.

“Glad to see you’re well, Kara,” he said happily, smiling.

Everyone took a few steps back and sat against the wall, turning their attention to the door. I was confused – what were they waiting for? What was going to happen?

But then it became clear.

First, I saw a shadow approaching the room from the hallway and my heart skipped a few beats. Nick appeared in the doorway in his regular jeans and a t-shirt, looking down proudly at a tiny pink bundle in his arms.

I struggled to breath.

“Mr. Jonas here hasn’t let go of that child for hours,” laughed Dr. Bailey as she prepped the room with diapers and bottles.

Nick smiled and finally looked up, directly into my eyes. I had never seen his face like that. I didn’t think it was possible, but he looked even more beautiful as he gazed at Layla. There were twinkles in his eyes as he came closer to me.

“She looks just like you,” he said softly. “The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

He came over to sit by my bed and I held out my arms for Layla. He supported her head with his hand and placed her tiny body in my lap, careful not to hit my broken arm. He kept his hand close to hers.

“She won’t let go of my finger,” he said to me, laughing. I noticed her tiny hand gripping his index finger and grinned.

“She’s…amazing,” I said in awe. I couldn’t take my eyes off her rosy sleeping face. She looked so at peace, so innocent and pure. Her skin was soft and smooth, her body tiny and delicate. Simple words couldn’t describe the feeling she was giving me.

“You can’t see them right now, but her eyes are exactly like yours,” Nick said to me, reaching up to kiss me softly.

“Nick, I…I’m so…”

“We’ll leave you two – or three, actually – alone for a while,” Mrs. Jonas said, smiling. She stood up and walked over to Kevin, pushing his wheelchair. “C’mon, boys…” The Jonases left the room with big smiles and Dr. Bailey reassured me I could call if I needed her.

“Thank you,” I said to her with a smile. She grinned and nodded before walking out.

“Nick, I am so sorry. I was so close, I didn’t know what to do,” I said to Nick as I fixed Layla’s blanket, wrapping it around her more so she’d be warm. My words were rushed and panicked, but I found comfort in her face.

“What could you possibly be sorry for, Kara?” he asked me gently, using his free hand to rub my arm.

“I…I was going to give up. I was so ready. I was so convinced…” I felt tears well up in my eyes as I looked at Layla. If I had let it all go, I would have never gotten to see her gorgeous face and hold her warm and snug in my arms.

“It’s okay. All that matters is that you’re safe now, okay? That’s it. Forget the rest,”

“That feeling you had,” I began, “Before we got into the car. How did you know something was going to happen?”

He took a moment to answer. “I didn’t. It was just a feeling. A scary feeling. And I never want to feel it again.” His voice became dark at the memory.

Moments passed before either of us spoke again. I could have spent all day just watching Layla sleep and I would have if she hadn’t started waking up.

“Oh, my God…” I whispered as she began to move under my arms.

“She’s waking up,” Nick said, smiling.

Layla let out a tiny yawn and opened her eyes, whimpering softly. They were absolutely breathtaking – big, chocolate brown eyes rimmed with lashes that amazed me beyond belief. I couldn’t believe Nick thought my eyes were as beautiful as hers.

“Hi there, Layla,” said Nick in a cheerful voice. “Meet Mommy.”

Her eyes were wide with excitement as she gazed back at me.

“I love you,” was all I could say to that beautiful face. My eyes filled with tears and I felt her wriggle under her blanket. Her pink lips slowly transformed into a tiny smile.

“She’s smiling,” I said in awe, shocked over the fact.

Nick laughed. “Yeah, she does that a lot.”

I felt my face drop as Layla reached for my index finger and held on.

“What’s wrong?” Nick asked me, immediately noticing my mood swing. He knew me so well.

I sighed. “You know her so well. And I…don’t.”

He chuckled and kissed my cheek lovingly.

“You will, love. Sooner than you think,” he assured me.

I took a deep breath and pulled Layla closer to my body. She nestled against my chest and sighed.

“Come up here,” I told Nick. I needed to feel him next to me. “I’ll scoot over.”

“You’ll hurt yourself.”

“I’ll be fine. Just…I need you, Nick.” I looked into his eyes. “Please.”

He smiled and sighed deeply. “Okay.”

It took a little longer than expected, but eventually I moved over enough so that he could lie down next to me. We situated Layla between us and I laid my head against his chest to hear my song – the song I thought I’d never hear again. His sweet, comforting heartbeat thudded against my ear and I was at ease. Layla was occupied with both our fingers and I allowed myself to relax.

Nick’s chest rose and deflated slowly as he took a deep breath.

“Michael passed on,” he said sadly.

I closed my eyes. “I know.”

“We were saved. We should have died, but we were saved. It’s a miracle.”

I smiled as Layla made a soft sound and tightened her grip on my finger.

“This baby is a miracle, Nick.”

His chest vibrated with laughter.

“She really is. She’s incredible.”

“Tell me about her. I want to know her like you do.”

He sighed and kissed the top of her head.

“Well for one, she never cries. It’s insane. She’s so quiet. She wasn’t awake for long before but she spent so much time just looking around. She’s very observant.”

I looked down and watched closely as Layla’s eyes scanned the room, taking in every detail, then slowly closing and falling asleep once again.

“She sleeps a lot, too,” Nick whispered, chuckling lightly as he pulled up her pink blanket. It was amazing to watch him be so protective and loving towards her – I knew he had cared so much for her since the beginning. “And she knows her lullaby, Kara. She really does.”

I looked up at him and his face was excited and animated. The lullaby meant so much to him. I grinned.

“She’s tiny, but she laughs. Joe made her laugh. Go figure,” he went on.

I giggled. “We have that in common, then.”

“Yeah,” Nick agreed.

“Know what else we have in common?” I asked him playfully.

“What?”

I leaned in closer to his face. “We both love you.”

He smiled and kissed me softly, never taking his finger away from Layla. I smiled against his skin and closed my eyes, taking my place back against his chest.

“She sleeps a lot, too. Obviously…” he continued. “That’s really all I’ve learned so far about her. They say that’s a lot for the first few hours.”

“That’s amazing, Nick. I can’t wait to get to know her more,” I told him as I looked down at Layla’s face, fast asleep.

He laughed. “Me too, babe. Me too.”

“Do you know what I just realized?” I asked him.

“What did you just realize, love?”

“You two have the same birthday,” I said, smiling.

His chest vibrated once again. “I was thinking about that in the neonatal room. Thank you.”

“For what? Reminding you?”

He took a moment to answer. “No. For giving me the best birthday present I could have ever asked for.”

I smiled and took a deep breath. “I love you, Nick.”

He moved closer to me and kissed my forehead. “I love you, too.”

And with that, we slept. We slept protected and at ease. I was with the two people I loved the most in the world. I knew there would be more to deal with in the morning, more drama to sort out and information to fill out. But for that moment, I was at peace.

I was finally at peace.